anxiety_aerial Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 Dear people from loveshack. I'm having some major problems that i'm facing sometimes with this girl that i'm seeing. And it's more or less my problem with guys hitting on her, and she still hanging out with them without acknowledging that she's not interested... I've seen the dm's of how the guys are trying and showing interest, asking for pictures (happened only once), flirting with her (she's sharing her screen, for example), i've heard the stories from her. She's simply ignoring those things and just acting like things are normal. I have been cheated on in the past, and this fear/anxiety of happening again is just piling up again once you see that your s/o is still hanging out with the guys that are hitting on her. My question and look for advice... is how to stop feeling this tied up and kind of afraid that **** might happen again. I just can't...
MountainGirl111 Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 I would just openly and honestly tell her how you feel. You can practice it with a friend first if that would help. Here's the assertiveness formula...fill in the blanks: "I feel ________ when you _______ because __________" I've used this formula every now and then. I like it because it starts with "I" instead of "You"(which can cause them to feel attacked). But before you use this formula do explore how you feel so you can articulate it to her well. I think your feelings a very valid. What you describe would bother me, too. If she doesn't adjust her behavior I'd be sayin' "See ya." One the other hand if you tell her how you feel she may "get it" and let you know on a deeper level she cares enough about you to really stop and consider her behavior with other guys. The fact you've been cheated on before may have radar for this type of thing on high alert....but that doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid. On a side note: Have you totally healed from being cheated on? 1
Author anxiety_aerial Posted November 2, 2019 Author Posted November 2, 2019 (edited) I can try to ask her once more if it's continuing on a bigger scale. I just don't want to be annoying since i brought this up once. Yes I have healed from the past. It's just that your conscious is just sending these signals sometimes because of thinking about it. Edited November 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed
Gaeta Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 Don't date women that like other men's attention. I am amazed of the amount of people that have been cheated on and will pick to date *again* a person with questionable behavior. My friend is insecure and jealous and she always picks to date men that maintain contact with exs or random girls. Date someone that knows how to handle herself in a relationship, meaning when someone hit on her she clearly declines and then remove them from her social media. . 2
preraph Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 Before you can actually say anything, first have you both agreed to be exclusive? Because if you have not had that conversation, you can't jump into trying to get her to restrict other guys. If you do have a verbal agreement to be exclusive, then you have to tell her just what you told us and hope she understands, but beware because in this day of Instagram, a lot of people want their daily compliments from strangers, but the wise ones will shut it down instead of losing someone they care about. 1
FMW Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 How long have you been seeing her? At some point when you agree not to date other people, assuming you're not there yet, then she shouldn't need to be told to stop the flirtations. Otherwise, she is showing you that that she needs attention and validation from men and that's not going to sit well with most men, especially those who have been cheated on in the past. It's a trait that makes it more likely for her to stray. As Gaeta said, once you see that kind of need for attention in a woman, move along and don't start a relationship. 1
MountainGirl111 Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 I can try to ask her once more if it's continuing on a bigger scale. I just don't want to be annoying since i brought this up once. Yes I have healed from the past. It's just that your conscious is just sending these signals sometimes because of thinking about it. I know you don't want to be annoying...but there's times when you can worry too much about how you're being perceived and you can stuff your feelings down because of that worry. If you stuff your feelings too much that can be very very unhealthy! If this issue is REALLY bothering you it's okay to bring it up. We carry parts of our past with us....and that can be a good thing at times, not just "baggage"...because our past experiences warn us about things. Maybe that's the sub-conscience there.... There are advantages to being "experienced". Don't sell yourself short. It's possible she is not very aware of how she is getting hit on... or.... she loves the ego boost.... maybe on her end of things she needs find a way to keep unwanted interest where it should be...establish good boundaries. IF she's just enjoying the ego boost that can be an issue....it tells you she might be insecure about her attractiveness. Then again, maybe she just enjoys interacting with men because they are a lot nicer to her than women. Just something to consider. Whatever her reasons....don't just stuff your own feelings. If you do confront her you have to be prepared she may not like it and walk...so it's a calculated risk on your part. BTDT.... 1
brokenblade Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 Don't date women that like other men's attention. I am amazed of the amount of people that have been cheated on and will pick to date *again* a person with questionable behavior. My friend is insecure and jealous and she always picks to date men that maintain contact with exs or random girls. Date someone that knows how to handle herself in a relationship, meaning when someone hit on her she clearly declines and then remove them from her social media. . i guess they haven't fully healed from what they went through so they put themselves in that situation again... I'm afraid I may have that inclination myself because of a recent betrayal. I'm very reluctant to get close to anyone simply because I don't trust myself. Yeah, I agree that you should go with someone who is loyal and exclusive to you and is not going to entertain "outside influences" ideally. 1
OatsAndHall Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 (edited) Don't date women that like other men's attention. I am amazed of the amount of people that have been cheated on and will pick to date *again* a person with questionable behavior. My friend is insecure and jealous and she always picks to date men that maintain contact with exs or random girls. Date someone that knows how to handle herself in a relationship, meaning when someone hit on her she clearly declines and then remove them from her social media. . Exactly.... A woman's social media page will generally tell me a lot about them. They might be a pleasant individual but I will cut ties quickly if I look at their social media and see them allowing guys to pour over them. I don't need to see their texts or DMs to know that it's bad news if it's already splattered all over social media. If you want try and make things work with this woman, I suggest having a blunt discussion about boundaries with other men. Allowing other guys to hit on her is disrespectful to you and the relationship. And, I don't imagine she would view it as harmless fun if the shoe were on the other foot. I would call it off if she won't ditch the attention seeking behavior. I won't date a woman who wants to have her cake and eat it too when it comes to other men and their advances. On a side note, I had a serious girlfriend cheat on me with a close friend of mine when I was in my twenties. I carried that baggage with me for a long time and it wasn't healthy for me or anyone I was dating. I took an abrasive attitude towards women I dated for a few years after that: "I'M NOT GOING TO LET ANOTHER WOMAN SCREW ME OVER! BLAH..BLAH...BLAH..". Don't be that guy. Edited November 2, 2019 by OatsAndHall
Inspire Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 First off, what is your relationship status with her? Are you exclusive, a couple, etc. How old is she? It would concern me that she isn't telling them to stop. She clearly likes the attention and is putting aside how that might make you feel or how it may affect your relationship. Trust does have boundaries and it can be quickly eroded by doubt.
Lotsgoingon Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 I can try to ask her once more if it's continuing on a bigger scale. I just don't want to be annoying since i brought this up once. Having a partner who loves the attention of other men? And who compulsively flirts right up to the line so that she can say "nothing is happening? Yes, you do want to be annoying. Annoying and more than annoying. You worrying about being annoying is sort of like someone being mugged saying I didn't want to fight off the mugger and seem belligerent. Wake the heck up. You'll never feel safe with this woman. Some people just like to flirt ... compulsively flirt ... and it's probably as confusing for those guys she flirts with ... as it is for you, the guy she's dating. Go for ultimate annoying act: dump her. Otherwise, you'll never have peace. Let her drive some other guy nuts.
schlumpy Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 This type of thing can be big trouble in the future when you are out on a date and she's acting receptive to being hit on. You can't go the bathroom because when you come back some guy is sitting next to her or she's constantly being asked to dance. It can drive you crazy as well as cause injury. I think you have to dump her. It might or might not be a wake call for her. That depends on her feelings for you. She does seem to have lots of options that will make the action much less of a shock but then you will doing this for your own peace of mind. It's not much fun being treated as a placeholder.
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