rainman2000 Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 Hi all, Please let me know if I'm being too unreasonable, moany or whiney! I've been with this girl for a few months now and things are mostly great. I appreciate that it is still early days. We are both similar in that we are quite passive people who are happy to do most things. Neither of us are particularly demanding towards each other and that's one of the reasons things do work so well. However, sometimes I feel that if I never contacted her to hang out, then maybe we never would do anything. This is not true all of the time, but most of the time. I have a very demanding and busy job and she is amazing at recognising this and supporting me through it. As a result, I realise that arranging times when we can hang out does fall on me a little bit because I am the one with the busy schedule and less likely to be free. I try my best to make time for her but more often than not it is me saying that I have an evening or a day freed up and that we can do something. Rather than her reaching out to me asking if I am free on x night to go out, etc. It is not like this all the time, though. A few weeks back she invited me to a small private family party of hers. But organising the private 1:1 meet ups we have seems to fall on me. She has never said something like 'I'd love to go here to eat with you' or 'I wanna go see this film this week'. Last week (admittedly I was snowed under) we didn't meet at all because I didn't contact her. She was very good in messaging me during the week to make sure I was okay, and telling me that she missed me and couldn't wait to see me again. But then never suggested a potential day/time for that to actually happen. She is always happy to meet up, though. She is always willing to go along with things and to see me. It could just be her personality trait, but I question sometimes whether she wants it/me enough. We always have a great time together. Perhaps I just want to be less in control and for the onus to not always fall on me. 1
Gaeta Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 Like you said neither of you are the type to stir the pot so because you're the one with the busy schedule she accepted you'll be the one holding the date agenda. I don't see this as a lack of interest, I just see this as a secure independent woman who's satisfied so far to go with the flow on your schedule. Have you addressed this with her? Have you told her you'd like she takes the lead a little more? . 1
Cersei Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 You are the one with the busy schedule and lack of free time. If I were her I would likely be waiting on you to ask me out because your time is more limited. Talk it out with her in case she sees it the same way I do. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 While I definitely let a man I've been dating a while know about things I'd like to do with him, I generally let him take the lead in initiating the dates. It's actually showing a respect for him as the man, trusting his judgment and leadership. Maybe it's the way I was raised. I'm from the South, quite traditional in romance. This is the way it always happened with my parents, my siblings and their dates, my friends. For me it feels very natural and normal. I might be able to adapt a little, but he'd have to specifically ask for it and it would be changing what I've done my whole life.
schlumpy Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 I have a sister who works crazy schedules. I never know when she is home but she does like to talk on the phone once in a while. Whenever I tried contacting her it always failed because she was at work so I eventually just let her do the calling at her convenience. I think what's happening is for the best. Planning an event maybe even buying tickets just to find out your SO can't make it is not the kind of memories and feelings you want her to have. You are reading too much into her reluctance to initiate a date but your are free to create the appearance of a problem that you think exists. Find out what she likes to do and make it happen. 2
preraph Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 What she's doing sounds logical to me. It's your schedule you're having to work around. It didn't stop her from asking you to something special, so there's no real problem here. I mean, first you'd have to say here is my schedule and then tell her, Let me know if you want to go do anything particular while i'm off, but that's a bit awkward when you could just ask her if she wants to do something on Thursday and does she have anything in particular she'd like to go do.
Lotsgoingon Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 Just tell her what you've told us here. Put in positively of course. You would love for her to feel free and fine about arranging meetups. You know she's been flexible because your schedule is so busy. But you don't want your schedule to prevent her from taking initiative. You want her to feel free and you'd like it to have her set things up. I would NEVER want to be the only one taking the initiative for meeting up. Sure, at the start, I'm willing to take more initiative, but in not too long, I would expect both of us to take the initiative. 1
chillii Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 (edited) Yeah pretty well agree with others. To me she sounds more just patient and secure and just understanding that your busy and all over the place. And she's obviously not a pushy person either . But on what you've said it doesn't sound like it's lack of interest and feelings though but yeah like above , just talk about it and who knows , she might even be holding back and actually trying not to be too pushy but this patience is killing her haha. Edited November 2, 2019 by chillii 1
scooby-philly Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 Completely agree with what everyone else said. Theres nothing wrong with your feelings. And theres nothing wrong with her behavior this far. But you've felt this and you need to share it with her. She could be boiling over wanting to reach out and this will alleviate her stress. She could also be happy to hear it from you. Just be clear that if you say no when she asks it will be on you to find a suitable alternative. Perhaps you can spend some time analyzing your work to try and help her get a better sense of what will work for you. Of course, if she isn't happy to hear it or doesn't follow through you will need to assess things at that point. I know for me as a guy I love it when a woman can show initiative as it denotes interest. 1
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