dramallama Posted September 22, 2019 Posted September 22, 2019 I matched with C about a month ago. His approach is unlike anything I’m used to, and I don’t know if this is all great, or I should be worried! He’s outside of my area settings but had been working nearby when we matched - he’s 1.5 hours away but he wasn’t bothered because he works all over the country and drives a lot every day; and he is unusually interesting enough for me to consider it. He’s a big texter, much more so than I’m used to, which I associated with players, but he’s very consistent. Before we met he’d sent me a (lightweight) personality test to assess compatibility(!); on our first date he quizzed me on not only what I thought about marriage and children (we both have 1 child), but how my ex would feel about me getting into a relationship (no one I’ve dated has gone anywhere near that topic); told me he was a believer in marriage, but has had a couple of disappointments but is still looking; so it seems like he’s a serious man looking for serious things. I can’t see how he has time to be dating anyone else with the amount of contact and pics of what he’s up to all day, and whilst I had been multi-dating, I cancelled a planned 2nd date after I met C, I’ve not seen anyone else and deleted my apps recently because if it becomes a serious thing, I’d rather a nice, clean start. I feel like he deserves that. But it only takes 5 mins to download them again, should that be how it works out! We’ve only met 3 times (his work can make his schedule unpredictable) but they’ve been day-long meetings, and it all feels lovely. He’s attentive, he remembers details, he asks thought provoking questions, he is incredibly respectful / shy about sex so there’s barely any hint of that on text (though he’s definitely a red blooded male in person, haha). I’m concerned about the texting, he’ll leave a hole if/when he disappears, and I know it’s never ‘real’ over text. There was one day he didn’t text for about 12 hours and apologised for ‘the long silence’ and I said it was good to have time to miss him, but he was straight back to the frequent messages. I’m thinking about suggesting a call on an evening, see if that slows the texts down a bit. He also does the odd thing that makes me feel like he’s gone into insta-boyfriend mode (e.g. sending romantic songs, and he was telling a story about an established couple and he said ‘it’s as if you were X and I was Y and we did…’), though, as you’d expect with it being such early days, we haven’t discussed whether we’re dating anyone else or anything beyond him saying that tinder was full of crazies and he didn’t like it (he disappeared off there about a week after we matched). I’ve met love-bombers before, he doesn’t *feel* like one of those, and there’s no future faking talk - just the usual ‘it’d be good if we did…’ that you say when you’re in that early dating phase. Any glaring worries? Any tips?
smackie9 Posted September 22, 2019 Posted September 22, 2019 Nothing that I can see....but it's still early right? Anything can pop up later. You are right tho...I'm surprised he hasn't mention anything about dating other people. BUT there are some old skool people who just assume by your actions that you are not.
Gretchen12 Posted September 22, 2019 Posted September 22, 2019 It doesn't sound like a different approach. I'd still call it love bombing. But it's not necessarily bad. You can go along and see what happens. But don't be too surprised if he completely disappears after encountering the first little problem.
Beendaredonedat Posted September 22, 2019 Posted September 22, 2019 (edited) he’s 1.5 hours away but he wasn’t bothered because he works all over the country and drives a lot every day that alone would be enough for me to not see him again. He may have one like you in every stop he makes. Are you having sex with this guy? You've only been on three dates with him. For all you know of him (really) he could be married. We’ve only met 3 times (his work can make his schedule unpredictable) Why do you have your settings wide open to men who don't live closer to you? Are you okay with hardly seeing him and not knowing what he's up to when he "drives a lot every day?" Your gut is telling you something otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. What is your gut telling you? Edited September 22, 2019 by Beendaredonedat
preraph Posted September 22, 2019 Posted September 22, 2019 There's nothing wrong with sitting back and just seeing what he'll do when left to his own initiative, but at some point, if some of that isn't working for you , the communication, you initiate whatever you want yourself, such as you said, a phone call instead of text. Or a shorter date or whatever. It's good you are just watching what habits he's in, but just be sure your needs are met as well.
smackie9 Posted September 22, 2019 Posted September 22, 2019 The only way to fix this is to offer to go to his place for a weekend visit. If he gets nervous and says he will be too busy, then you have grounds to call it quits.
Author dramallama Posted September 22, 2019 Author Posted September 22, 2019 that alone would be enough for me to not see him again. He may have one like you in every stop he makes. Are you having sex with this guy? You've only been on three dates with him. For all you know of him (really) he could be married. Why do you have your settings wide open to men who don't live closer to you? Are you okay with hardly seeing him and not knowing what he's up to when he "drives a lot every day?" Your gut is telling you something otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. What is your gut telling you? I have my settings to within 30 mins drive but we matched when he was nearby, when I found out where he lived it gave me pause but he's interesting. I find it hard to find a 'match' for various reasons (high flying career amongst other things) - he's the first serious prospect I've met in a long time. He works in TV and is sent where the news is - so it's not like a woman in every port situation, more that he's not sure where he is from one day to the next and quite how far from home. It's added a challenge to planning, but he's communicating about it, and in the early stages not being able to be in each other's pockets is no bad thing as far as I'm concerned. We've visited each other's homes (we're both musicians, we've jammed and yes there's been an overnight), there's been no woman's touch there for sure (v spartan though a pic of his parents), he introduced me to his cousin, and he clearly doesn't entertain much - he had to nip and buy wine glasses as he didn't have any! My gut says that all the texting builds false intimacy, I've got to slow this down. I've been on the emotionally unavailable side and attracted to similar, so someone who seems keen and consistent just doesn't seem 'real' to me. I'm used to hot and cold. Not hot hot hot hot hot hot.... 1
Beendaredonedat Posted September 22, 2019 Posted September 22, 2019 (edited) You seem to want to see this through so just do what your gut is telling you. Don't respond to any of his over-the-top missives (like romantic songs etc). Dial it back and don't have your heart on your sleeve. You've been sexually intimate. I'm not you but I would want exclusivity at least sexually if he wasn't ready to stop dating others. Edited September 22, 2019 by Beendaredonedat
preraph Posted September 22, 2019 Posted September 22, 2019 Anytime a man is in entertainment, he has plenty of opportunity with women. But his schedule is busy so the opportunity may be more for one-night stands than a real relationship. I wouldn't write him off. Those voids, he's on the road and jet-lagged, or at least that accounts for a lot of it. No reason to think you're exclusive at this point, so keep dating if you want. He sounds like he's trying to avoid some pitfalls with women who are too involved with their exes and there's plenty of both men and women like that. It's like having your mother-in-law living nextdoor if you ask me. Wait and see what happens and as you do you'll find out more what his life is like. He may be looking for some stability. Traveling for work is hard. It may sound exciting, but it's draining and lonely. Sex ops for the high profile people, but it's still draining and lonely and eventually most people get tired of living on sex ops alone.
Author dramallama Posted November 2, 2019 Author Posted November 2, 2019 (edited) I've posted about this guy before. We matched around 22nd August, met 1st Sept, and he's text me multiple times every single day since the off. However, there's a 90 minute drive between us and he is a VERY busy man, this week he's driven thousands of miles and that's not unusual; and we both have children, so it's hard to line up our schedules and I don't think that'd be different if I lived round the corner. As such, we've only met 5 times, and I'm seeing him again tomorrow. We've not managed to meet for nearly 3 weeks now so we both said we'd have to make it worth the wait - but the current plan is to meet at his, have a relaxed lunch and 'hang out'. Hmm. His communication is very boyfriend-y in tone, but we've fallen into what I feel is a bad habit of home dates - perhaps because we're snatching time together, perhaps because he's a lazy planner. On the one hand, it's a very honest way to get to know someone, spending time in their environment, we share our hobbies, do things together, have really deep conversations, and yes there's intimacy. On the other hand, if I look at it objectively, it looks like a booty call / FWB situation right now, even if it doesn't feel that way. We've talked a bit about planning a couple of times, and he is getting a bit better and more open with me about what he knows about his schedule and what's still up in the air etc. He said he was looking for serious (doesn't mean it has to be with me, obviously), I told him I wanted something meaningful and to spend time with someone going places and doing things. We haven't discussed if we're dating other people, but with the frequency he texts me, he'd literally have to be texting from dates so I don't think he is. As such, I want to know if he's still got that in mind, or if I'm just a bit of fun, I guess. He's a really special guy, but I'm only interested in continuing if he's thinking serious. I can get casual far nearer home. I'm really rubbish at bringing these conversations up. Any tips? Edited November 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator fixed spacing
chillii Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 (edited) Have you ever driven 1000s of miles a week, and what, every wk he does nearly as much, and in a work sense not just on some cruise holiday trip.? l'll tell you , it's exhausting. And your 90mins apart , does he have to drive to you too after all that too, or do you drive to him? l can promise ya if he has to drive like that all the time then last thing he'd feel like in what little spare time he would have , is going out again well l sure don;t that's for sure and l do trips like that not weekly thank God but quite often for work. You said he's very busy too , and he has kids, l hate to think but is that other stuff on top of all he's driving and work and kids ? l sure wouldn't want the pressure and expectations of having to go out just to impress you after all that and if he does , jesus, hope he gets some kind of medal he deserves it. Don't you love the time your having , even at home, there's nothing nicer so early into a relationship anyway if it works out you got the rest of your lives to go do things. As far as where it's headed , sounds like you can talk together just have a convo about how you feel and things you've said here and concerns . like yeah it's probably a bit early for anything def' but hopefully you'll at least both know if your own the same page. Edited November 2, 2019 by chillii
Author dramallama Posted November 2, 2019 Author Posted November 2, 2019 Thanks Chilli. I'm loving the time I spend with him, and he says things like he 'misses my presence' (which is just words but it's not the usual). He's been to me twice, I've been to him 3 times and am going to him tomorrow. I guess I'm just feeling at that vulnerable stage of opening up (which he's been encouraging) and I don't want to be doing that if we're not on the same page about what this is. I don't want to pressure him - I'm busy too, I appreciate a butterfly for what it is if you know what I mean - I'm not one who sees a butterfly and wants to pin it to a board - I was the butterfly in my marriage and it's soul destroying having someone that wants to cage you. Weirdly my ex-FWB has been in touch this morning saying he's really happy I've found someone and then he came over all protective and has given me a big pep talk about the things that leave me vulnerable to being led on / messed about which has unsettled me further. New guy asked me if I'd missed him the last time we saw each other and was fishing for how I felt and I said he was 'definitely something else' and his response was 'oh that's good' (!!! - big smile though) and moved the conversation on - so he's not one to be easily drawn on how HE feels. So - you've got this girl in your life, what can she say to see where your head is at without making you feel pressured?
Gaeta Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 I think after 5 dates it's time to address exclusivity, as for his intention 'toward you' it's too soon. He has already confirm he is interested in serious dating and I think his actions and words mean that so far. It's a time game, it's time that will confirm feelings developing, compatibility, etc. If you like outings then don't leave it all to him, you can be proactive and organize the type of activity you both enjoy. I think it's normal to fall in home-dates after a couple of months as we get more comfortable with each other. Many men also like to be organized by their gf. My bf will make statements like he would like we go to movies but wait for me to say 'tonight' lets go to the movies. Have you address the distance? If this relationship lift off the ground who would be willing to relocate? I would not start a long distance relationship without addressing this. .
Author dramallama Posted November 2, 2019 Author Posted November 2, 2019 Have you address the distance? If this relationship lift off the ground who would be willing to relocate? I would not start a long distance relationship without addressing this. . He told me on the first date he's open to moving as he doesn't like where he lives, and I also said I'm open to moving as I'm only where I am due to my ex's family being here. We're both a little anchored by children and family but we could certainly both move to the middle and there are some lovely places in between us.
chillii Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 ln a way for me that's a tough one because l'd have to think back to ex w and l don't really wanna do that haha . She was the queen of subtle . When as gf now on the other hand , l don't think she was around when they invented the word pressure , or subtle either. She just lets me have it , whatever's goin on in there it's just boom, been like that since we met, thankfully it mostly cracks me up. l mean though he does seem like he's into it. l think just when your curled up somewhere chatting away , just kinda work it into that a little. Believe me most women wanna know this stuff pretty early and l couldn't see how it'd be any surprise to him, if he's into it that shouldn't bother him. 2
Gaeta Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 Ok that sounds great. It's normal to start feeling vulnerable at that stage of dating. Even if the other person seems exclusive it's always a relieve to confirm we're both heading toward the same goal. . 1
Cersei Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 Sorry to jump on your thread but this caught my eye. Many men also like to be organized by their gf. My bf will make statements like he would like we go to movies but wait for me to say 'tonight' lets go to the movies. . Oh I wish I had known this sooner than when I learned it. I tried to let my guy pick things to do or plan as well so I did not seem so bossy or a dictator but not too much happened beyond him saying "I have always wanted to go to -----." I now will suggest a date or tell him to set it up for us. Your guy may never have been the one to organize any outings and just went along for the ride. Try inviting him on an outing and see how that goes. As far as him driving and always wanting to stay in, look long and hard at this. If this is the early stages of dating how much will he want to go out once you are more used to each other and settled? Sorry for my honesty but this kind of looks like a friends with benefits arrangement so far.
Author dramallama Posted November 4, 2019 Author Posted November 4, 2019 (edited) Well I saw him again yesterday (date 6 in 2 months), and it was lovely - a proper date-date, too. He was like an enthusaistic labrador when I arrived - to the point we both laughed about it, it was super cute. We'd not seen each other for 3 weeks and I was pretty anxious - is this the person I think he is, who is the man behind the messages etc. We went out for lunch, he took me on a tour of the area, we went to a 'millionaires row' and pointed out mansions we liked, we went to a massive shopping centre to look at the Xmas lights and wandered round eating ice cream like teenagers. Conversation was about childhood, some big topics (he asked me what I thought was really behind Brexit!!!), what am I doing for Xmas, what am I doing for my birthday (in June!) etc. All good, solid, getting to know you properly stuff. I've never had a FWB this interested in my opinions and history though I know they're all different. He had a few calls while I was there and was happily sat right next to me scrolling through the app list on his phone, opening WhatsApp - no furtiveness, or acting like he was worried about me seeing anything (like chat from random women or dating apps or whatever). Anyway, I didn't feel the need to have any conversations about what this is - for a start we were having too much fun, it's unfolding nicely and the time we spend together is full of laughter, so at the end of the date I just thanked him for a lovely day and told him how much I enjoy spending time with him, to which he responded 'that's nice to know' and kissed me and started fussing about me getting home safe, which felt a little underwhelming at the time but he'd text me a few minutes after I left to say how much he'd enjoyed it too. So - I am relaxed again. He did say something at one point about how he feels the pressure of so many people relying on him all the time - so I will take a lead on the planning for our next date and see how he responds. He'd mentioned his ex 'trying to run his life' so I'd been trying to let him take charge but there's definitely a balance to be had! it's good to have all you LS folk to bounce these things off! Edited November 4, 2019 by dramallama 1
Calmandfocused Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 Op, Just be careful that this man is not a narcissist looking for fuel. The fuel being your adoration. There are a couple of reasons why I’m suspicious of narcissism in this case. Firstly he seems to be everything you want him to be (not possible). Secondly, it appears that he has an egotistical assumption that hes hooked you already and you won’t want any other man but him. He knows you’re his already, that’s why he doesn’t need to have the conversation with you. Thirdly, the obsessive texts, often masked as infatuation, can be a sign of future controlling behaviour. Sorry if this sounds negative. I hope I’m wrong. Good luck 1
Author dramallama Posted November 4, 2019 Author Posted November 4, 2019 Op, Just be careful that this man is not a narcissist looking for fuel. The fuel being your adoration. Firstly he seems to be everything you want him to be (not possible). Interesting, but I wouldn't say that about him. My mother has a personality disorder and is a narcissist, and I was hooked into almost having an affair by a narcissit before, so I do know some of the traits. He works on a major music show (amongst other things) and could live the 'hangers on' lifestyle if he wanted it, but doesn't seem to. He's quite solitary in his pursuits. I'm curious why you think he's 'everything I want him to be' - I haven't really expressed what kind of person I'm looking for - just that it's hard to find a 'match' - so the things he's telling me about himself aren't to suit an image. However, I only know what he's told me so far, and it's good to be on guard.
Calmandfocused Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 Because he questioned you prematurely with intense questions. About your intentions, wants/ desires for the future etc, yes? And he wants exactly the same as you and feels exactly the way you do about certain things. Could he be mirroring you and telling you what you want to hear rather than showing you who he really is? Narcs tend to pump us for information early on. Not because they care. It’s because they want us to adore them and be so attracted to them so they hook us. Later on they use the information they have about us against us. Like you op, I have come across quite a few Narcissist’s in my life and my detector is on full alert. What you said about having experience of this personality disorder also makes you vulnerable to them. Just be aware of that. As I said I could be very very wrong. What has he said about his last relationship breakdown? That should give you a clue,
Author dramallama Posted November 4, 2019 Author Posted November 4, 2019 (edited) Because he questioned you prematurely with intense questions. About your intentions, wants/ desires for the future etc, yes? And he wants exactly the same as you and feels exactly the way you do about certain things. Could he be mirroring you and telling you what you want to hear rather than showing you who he really is? Narcs tend to pump us for information early on. Not because they care. It’s because they want us to adore them and be so attracted to them so they hook us. Later on they use the information they have about us against us. Yes to intense questions, but only in person, and he's a pretty serious deep-thinking guy. He expressed a lot of his 'wants' before asking me mine, and there's some alignment but not exact mirroring. He's looking for marriage, I'd consider it but it's not a goal; he wants to live somewhere rural eventually, I grew up on a farm but am more of a town-girl at heart etc. The bit you said about narcs using information against us - I am SO guarded emotionally because of this - anything my mother knew I cared about was a weapon. I find it really hard in relationships to open up about my feelings as a result. Last relationship - it was prolongued by an unplanned pregnancy, he said she was really controlling and wanted to run his life. He's very spontaneous, I can see that it would drive someone more rigid potty. It's an interesting viewpoint. I'll observe for mirroring and see. Edited November 4, 2019 by dramallama
fishlips Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 I don't see any red flags in what you've posted, but it doesn't seem like you see him often enough to really get serious. 1.5 hours isn't that much of a distance. Could you drive to see him if he travels a lot? At least, I hope you're talking by phone instead of just texting all the time. You can't really get to know someone by seeing them only once in awhile. Is that going to change at some point?
Author dramallama Posted November 4, 2019 Author Posted November 4, 2019 The pattern has been a bit sporadic - 2 dates in the first week, then a couple of weeks' gap, then two closer together, then a gap as we had a couple of weekends where he had his daughter and then I had mine when I wouldn't usually, and he had some Brexit-related shenanigans as he has a hobby which involves imports/exports. I've been to him 4 times of the 6, though one was a last minute switch when he ended up the other end of the country for work (i.e. he'd planned to come to me but asked for me to go to him instead). Usually our childcare schedules line up pretty nicely and it's workable that we could see each other for up to 24 hours 3 weekends per month and once midweek; which is enough for me until such a point it became more serious and then you meet kids and family and it all gets easier because you're not trying to carve out separate time. But he's very spontaneous, bit of a last minute planner, and complained about his ex running his life. This time I did have to directly ask him when he had time to see me, and then he told me he'd been thinking about it and he offered an idea. His plan wasn't a goer, but plan b was. The (lack of) planning might be the killer yet! We'll see. I'm just trying to enjoy getting to know him, without getting too attached to someone who is still more of an idea than a real person.
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