New to dating / relationships, demisexual?

[sunbaby]

Hey everyone!

 

Despite being in my late 20s I just started more actively dating recently. In the past I had extremely low self esteem and anxiety and i just never focused on dating so I'm pretty far behind the game.

 

With the dating I've done recently I'm just left generally pretty confused. I'm dating a guy right now who after our first date wanted to see me 3 more times within a week. I felt pretty overwhelmed by that because I'm an introvert and I'm used to having a lot of alone time so the change of being busy most evenings was a bit daunting.

 

That being said I have enjoyed my time with him, our dates have been fun and our conversations light and easy. He's not hugely attractive but he's cute enough. We have kissed several times (just closed lips) and i don't feel anything hugely special about the kisses, no butterflies or anything. On our most recent date he asked to be more "serious" I'm the romantic sense and i said I'm interested in seeing where things go.

 

Basically I'm just super confused. I'm confused as to how to tell when I like someone as a potential partner vs. just a nice person, and I'm confused as to why I don't feel anything with a kiss and kind of shy away from physical stuff. Is it because I don't like him? Because I'm anxious? I even thought maybe I'm demisexual and just don't get sexual vibes until an emotional connection is established?

 

And yes I over think and am trying my best to just see where things go, but any thoughts or advice is appreciated!

[lavenderandvelvet]

It doesn’t sound like you felt any chemistry with him - at least in the physical sense.

 

I find that the physical attraction can grow, but you need to have a connection that makes you want to explore more.

 

For the people I feel super, intense chemistry with - simple touch in any form leaves me with a heightened level of awareness of every sensation. For the ones where the chemistry is not intense then it is a feeling of comfort. If I am not feeling either one of those things - well I am just not attracted. But they may turn out to be a great friend.

[sunbaby]

Does chemistry develop over time? I feel like the only times I can remember having like 'sexual tension' was with people I knew well already, whereas this guy I've only known in person for 2 weeks. I don't think I'm the love at first sight or lust at first sight kind of person, at least not so far. It just confuses me as to whether I need to keep giving this a chance or at what point would I stop and say i have it enough time...

[Coldfire]

Hi dear,

I’m confident that if you feel truly drawn to someone, you will just have no doubt that you want to see him. My advice would be to take things more slowly and see how you feel a couple of weeks from now once you know him better. Don’t ever push yourself to do anything and always trust your instincts!

[lavenderandvelvet]

Does chemistry develop over time? I feel like the only times I can remember having like 'sexual tension' was with people I knew well already, whereas this guy I've only known in person for 2 weeks. I don't think I'm the love at first sight or lust at first sight kind of person, at least not so far. It just confuses me as to whether I need to keep giving this a chance or at what point would I stop and say i have it enough time...

 

Yes and no. There does have to be some sort of base, for me at least. And if I don’t have some level of curiosity or anticipation that a person will touch me - it doesn’t really change for me.

[Ami1uwant]

Does chemistry develop over time? I feel like the only times I can remember having like 'sexual tension' was with people I knew well already, whereas this guy I've only known in person for 2 weeks. I don't think I'm the love at first sight or lust at first sight kind of person, at least not so far. It just confuses me as to whether I need to keep giving this a chance or at what point would I stop and say i have it enough time...

 

Fantasy vs reality

 

Drop all those hopeless romantic stories you read or saw in the movies...

 

Ask yourself these questions....if you aren’t asexual, do you know what attraction is? Do you know something lime this guy is attractive or not?

 

With most relationshipsthings develop over time..time is normal time..not by some count of dates.

 

There is different types of attraction..

 

Emotional and physical. Emotional is feeling you enjoy time with someone, you have connection to someone. Physical is something like he has a nice body.you can have one withou the other or thry could interact

 

What I mean by that...fir me I can look at a women and say she looks attractive. Some based on pure looks I can say someone is cuter fir my own reasons. That doesn’t drive things for me. Emotional live is what drives me. I can look at someone and say they are objectively attractive but they may not trigger these attractive things in me...but I start taking to her and getting to know her and like her thrn I can have physical attraction develop. But this doesn’t devrlopif I wasn’t open to dating her.....like this wouldn’t happen with a coworker or someone I knew was married thus someone ne I wouldn’t date.

[Foxhall]

You allude to self esteem issues which could lead to a mindset of just accepting the first guy that comes along,

 

Id venture your not ready for a relationship, go out join into events in your community, find out more about yourself and what you enjoy,

 

its not always easy when you are an introvert but is worth exploring

 

and you might randomly meet someone along the way but perhaps dont force it for the time being.

[chillii]

Demisexual eh , yet another one, wth is that anyway.

And l'm wondering wth closed lip is all about , there's all kinds of kissing and kissers what difference does that make. Saw one chick here wondering similar stuff to you and one of the reasons was he didn't tongue kiss her, l'm just like wtf is that bs yaknow.l can't stand a woman shoving her tongue down my throat anyway actually.

Sorry op l'm not having a go at ya here , but a lot of this stuff l just dunno wth , ya know.

Anyway , as to your thing , btw , so are you super attractive yourself then ?

My guess is your either subconsciously blocking things, fear !

Or , this guy just isn't quite your thing.

But whatever the case , l think if you just keep things at the pace your comfortable with and see him a few more times , whatever it is will probably become clearer to you and you'll either open up more to it as you become more comfortable , or you'll know he's just not for you.

[SumGuy]

From your definition of Demisexual sounds like the world would be a better place if we all were. In fact, what you call demisexual I’d call healthy relationship behavior...don’t for a second believe the hook-up culture hype.

 

I agree with all the posts that say don’t rush it, give it some time if you wish and since these are feelings you will know when you feel them. Don’t let him or anyone tell you what you should feel, or should sleep with him etc.

[sunbaby]

Thanks everyone for the comments and advice I'll try to see where things go and give myself more time to see if feelings if attraction develop. I guess because I'm not very experienced I'm just not sure how I'm supposed to feel since it seems like a lot of people nowadays will do a lot more than just kiss on the first date and I'm definitely not one of them.

 

I don't feel that he's pressuring me for sex or anything though. Mostly just feeling a bit overwhelmed by the attention because like I said he seems to have gotten a liking to me pretty fast - he said so himself and seems to want to spend a lot of time with me, whereas (at least for now) I still like a fair amount of alone time.

 

@Foxhall I have considered doing community events or clubs as a way of meeting people but my city is small and there's not a ton going on. I'll try to look again though cause I like that idea!

 

I think one of the reasons I even started trying dating is a fear of being alone and because of my age I'm worried time is running out. I already feel like a weirdo for being this age with virtually no dating experience

 

@chillii from what I've read demisexual is a term used for people who aren't asexual but kinda on that scale? So they don't necessarily feel sexual attraction to just a random hot person they see but if they got to know that person and form a bond with them then they would. As for describing the type of kiss I'm just giving people an idea of the stage(?) of how far we've gone (like we haven't made out or anything).

 

And i wouldn't consider myself super attractive no lol maybe average?? You might be right about the fear thing though. I hate change and it scares me so being in a relationship would be a whole lot of change. I'm also terrible at making decisions and worry I'll make the wrong one...

[mortensorchid]

I had to google that term (demisexual) to find out what that means. Yes, I am an old fart, but thanks to google I can keep up with it.