Northern2 Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 I'm an event host of a social meetup group. I've been attracted to a guy who comes to my events but I have never made any move since I was in a relationship that he was aware of. Last week after an event (which he attended), I got home and received a weird text from him. It said that he should have invited me to get food with him and went on to comment on how I am his favorite host and none of the other event hosts gives him hugs the way I do. This completely came out of left field and threw me for a loop since we have only been friendly with each other and he was passively interested in another girl. Well, my ex and I decided to take a break due to an unrelated issue. To get my mind off of it, I texted my crush asking him if he wanted to attend a bar trivia with some friends from the group. He passed and said he'd rather practice his trivia first and that maybe him and I could practice together by going out some time. I told him I'd like that and I also know of a p2p trivia app we can play together. He ended up calling me since we were both driving home after work. Overall the conversation was just friendly. We mostly talked about the app and the group/upcoming events. He downloaded the app and said he would play with me once he got home that night. That never happened and I haven't heard much from him since other than an apology for not getting back to me that evening. I never told him any updates regarding my relationship but idk why it would matter since he was flirting with me last week when my ex and I were still together. We are both in our 30s with him being a bit older than me so I doubt he is being shy. What gives?
LivingWaterPlease Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 Probably some other stuff came up that he wanted to do. Can't recall if you set a specific or definite date. You'll probably hear from him again, he'll continue being friendly and possibly want to do something together with you later on. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 There's the strangeness of him texting you after a meeting and telling you he SHOULD have invited you out. Of course, unless you were relocating to the other side of the world on a plane in the morning, he didn't need to act like he missed an opportunity. He could simply invite you out now. Then there's the strangeness of him, in effect, turning you down for a date. The brother apparently heard your invite to the bar trivia game ... as a literal invite to a trivia game! He couldn't see that you were inviting him out to hang and talk? Instead, he focused on the trivia game ... and apparently got scared that he wouldn't be good enough in trivia to impress you. Sounds to me like this guy is isolated, doesn't date much, doesn't go out with friends much, has trouble reading some really basic social cues--when a woman you are crushing on turns around and invites you out, the answer is YES! Does not matter the activity. I wouldn't take this personally ... But if you're still interested, you definitely will need patience and need to coach this guy along ... he's got some social deficits, which may not be fatal ... though it is weird that he didn't even follow up with the app game. That's a serious red flag right there. Of course having read lots of stories on LS, there's also the possibility that he's involved with someone else, and simply couldn't make time and space for hanging out with you or playing with you on the app.
LivingWaterPlease Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 I was trying to edit my post but didn't get it in fast enough before someone else posted! No problem! Just wanted to add that he may have been tired and may have fallen asleep when he got home!
Author Northern2 Posted October 5, 2019 Author Posted October 5, 2019 (edited) There's the strangeness of him texting you after a meeting and telling you he SHOULD have invited you out. Of course, unless you were relocating to the other side of the world on a plane in the morning, he didn't need to act like he missed an opportunity. He could simply invite you out now. Then there's the strangeness of him, in effect, turning you down for a date. The brother apparently heard your invite to the bar trivia game ... as a literal invite to a trivia game! He couldn't see that you were inviting him out to hang and talk? Instead, he focused on the trivia game ... and apparently got scared that he wouldn't be good enough in trivia to impress you. The text "I should've asked if you wanted to eat at IHOP with me," was sent at 3am, 30 minutes after I left the bar and was already home. I thought he meant that he and the others went to get food after the bar closed but when I asked he said it was just him. I was still with my ex who I currently live with so it's not like I could just walk out the door. I friendly joked with him about the girl that he was interested in not reciprocating back and that's when he started to get flirty and commented on me hugging him. As for the trivia invite, he said he wasn't sure if he would go and that he sucks at trivia. I told him I do too and that's when he said he would like to practice his trivia first and that "maybe we can practice together by going out someday" Which is why I suggested the app. He seemed into it and was asking me questions about it on the phone. He downloaded it, signed up, and even messaged me through the app saying that he would be ready to play once he gets home and I told him to let me know which he never did. He texted me this morning apologizing for not getting back to me and he fell asleep once he got home. I told him no worries and that I crashed when I got home too. He never responded to that. It can be possible he is involved with someone else but idk. I don't know this guy well. I have only hung out with him 5 times and he is close to 40 so anything is honestly possible. He was interested in talking to a girl at the past event but he never actually went up and spoke to her. So he may have someone around, either way I cant really judge Edited October 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited
Maggiemay1 Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 My first concern is that you refer to him as a crush. My second concern is that you took a break from your current relationship , a guy you live with , yet already refer to him as your ex? Which is it? Is he your ex bf, or your current bf , taking a step back? And does this break have any conditions? As in it’s ok to date others despite living together? Back to your crush ... you suggested a trivia event. He said he sucks at trivia and suggested to meet to “practice” trivia. He was looking for a hook up clearly! But you responded suggesting an app , which he loosely entertained by downloading but realised you turned him down for a hook up and suddenly became the event organiser again. So he didn’t pursue further. Have you sorted out your issues with your bf yet? Because until you do , you need to stop letting any distractions get in the way.
preraph Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 I'm sure he's just got more than one woman on the string, which is fine, but he shouldn't have made a date and stood you up, so to me, he's out unless you find out he spent the night at the ER or something.
Author Northern2 Posted October 5, 2019 Author Posted October 5, 2019 (edited) My first concern is that you refer to him as a crush. My second concern is that you took a break from your current relationship , a guy you live with , yet already refer to him as your ex? Which is it? Is he your ex bf, or your current bf , taking a step back? And does this break have any conditions? As in itÂ’s ok to date others despite living together?. I refer to him as a crush cause idk alot about him other than he seemed nice and I find him very attractive. I assumed he was single cause most people that show up to this group are single and/or new in town. As for my current situation, the break was suggested by the other but was mutual on my end too. It was coming for some time since the relationship has gotten very stale and both have been questioning whether we are better off as friends. I refer to him as an ex cause idk what else to call him when he said he wants space and we live together. This was 3 days ago. We didn't discuss conditions and I don't want to date anyone or hookup. All I was interested in was getting to know this particular guy better in a group setting which is why I thought to invite him out to the trivia. I have no expectations with him. I just wanted to have a general conversation with him without a big crowd surrounding us. What I'm confused about is that this guy isn't updated on my situation. As far as he knows I'm still in a relationship. The flirting itself was already weird and very random but now the silence makes it more confusing. Do you really think this whole thing was just an attempt to hookup? Edited October 5, 2019 by Northern2
smackie9 Posted October 5, 2019 Posted October 5, 2019 (edited) It's obvious this guy wants to date you...just that he doesn't have a real plan to execute, so he's been doing it in a roundabout way. He ghosted most likely because he got a better option, and put you on the back burner for there is uncertainty from you and your relationship status. If you want to get this ball rolling, be honest with him. Tell him you are single again and would be interested in going out together. This is dating 101....just go for it. Note: maybe he heard from a little birdie that you are broken up with your BF...just a rumor tho. I think he's been doing some fishing for that info from you. Edited October 5, 2019 by smackie9
Author Northern2 Posted October 5, 2019 Author Posted October 5, 2019 Note: maybe he heard from a little birdie that you are broken up with your BF...just a rumor tho. I think he's been doing some fishing for that info from you. This happened 3 days ago so I doubt he heard anything. He never really fished for any info about the relationship however last time I hung out with him he asked a little about the dynamic about of the relationship but we didnt really talk much about it. Again, he seemed more friendly then anything. I agree that maybe if it wasnt a hookup situation then he may have put me on the back burner thinking I'm still in a relationship. He could have found someone else, who knows. He is on the guest list for two more events I'm hosting next week so unless he flakes then I will see him again next week. It will just be hard for me to upfront tell him I'm single without it being awkward. Also hard to have any sort of meaningful conversation at one of these events.
Author Northern2 Posted October 7, 2019 Author Posted October 7, 2019 So I have an event tonight in a few hours that my crush is supposed to go to. I decided to message him asking him if he would like to grab food with me before the event. Initially, he said yes but ended up changing his mind a few hours later but he said he would still make it to the event. I feel kinda embarrassed and rejected. I'm currently trying to think of a way to talk myself out of this one so it's not awkward when I see him. He still doesn't know that I'm single. Should I mention it to him tonight or just sorta wash my hands of it and let it be?
Author Northern2 Posted November 1, 2019 Author Posted November 1, 2019 IÂ’m an event host for a meetup group and recently single. ThereÂ’s this guy who IÂ’ll call John, who always attended my events. Since October began our friendship escalated to flirting while I was in a relationship. The flirting never crossed the lines into kissing or sex. He would flirt with me but then would seem slightly distant. I figured it was cause I was in a relationship. My ex boyfriend and I were having issues for a couple months which John was slightly aware of. The issues with my ex led us to completely break up a few weeks ago. A few days after the break up John attended an event I was hosting. We snuck away towards the end to be alone and finally kissed. Since then we texted everyday but his texts were always kinda short and he would even stop replying to some of our convos. He would initiate some conversations though. He did invite me to his place to hangout and watch Netflix which we did exactly that. I stayed the night and we barely kissed. I figured itÂ’s cause he didnÂ’t want to take advantage of me. The next few days his texts were still short. He came out to another event of mine and we went back to his place and watched Netflix. I stayed the night and still no sex although he was a bit more affectionate with the kissing and cuddling. After that his texts still remained short to the point where the last text he sent me was a thumbs up emoji to which I didnÂ’t respond. This was 2 days ago and I havenÂ’t heard from him since. My next event he rsvp to is towards the end of this month. I have a feeling I wonÂ’t hear from him till then. IÂ’m not even looking for a relationship right now but IÂ’m curious why the hot and cold. Why invite me over just to watch Netflix then go silent on me. Should I ask him what happened? If it matters IÂ’m age 30 and he is 40.
basil67 Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 Ummm....there was no hot and cold. A better description would be kinda interested and then disinterested. It didn't sound like the two of you had a huge connection but he invited you around for a couple of evenings to see if one developed. Despite some kissing and cuddling, one didn't develop and so he's not going to pursue anything. It's OK. We can't form a close connection with everyone. Asking him what went wrong would make you look really needy. Just write it off as a failed experiment. And don't ever assume that flirting means interest. Flirting can be fun for it's own sake, without any intention of making things go further. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 Co-ed sleepovers without sex are kind of odd to me. I have no idea what this man thinks but I wouldn't give him the time of day at this point. Seems like too much effort for too little return. He's interested in what you put in his lap but unwilling to make any effort; heck the man can't be bothered to text, make a date with you or even make a move when you were in his bed. Why bother? This won't get better. 1
basil67 Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 I would question whether the idea that he's interested. Doesn't sound like there was much in the way of connection or chemistry to pique much interest.
Inspire Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 It doesn't necessarily sound like he wants a relationship with you but rather a hookup. The kissing and cuddling the second time could have been an opener to sex that night but for whatever reason it didn't happen. Any idea why?
kendahke Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 My ex boyfriend and I were having issues for a couple months which John was slightly aware of. The issues with my ex led us to completely break up a few weeks ago.My guess is that upon further recollection, he didn't want to set himself up as rebound boy. He knew you had just broken up with your ex and he didn't want to take things any further with you because you haven't been broken up long enough to be over your boyfriend, emotionally, yet. A LOT of women think they're ready to move on when what it is is that they want some guy to play place-holder, cuddlebuddy, emotional tampon/male-girlfriend with while they mark time until the ex opens a can of "act right" and they're off. You're not emotionally ready to be trying to get a new guy to be your new boyfriend. Two weeks isn't enough time to be emotionally clear of that. Slow your roll.
preraph Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 You told us you didn't want a relationship, so did you tell him you did not want a relationship? That would explain it. 1
Author Northern2 Posted November 16, 2019 Author Posted November 16, 2019 I’m a leader of a social meetup group. There’s a guy who attends my events that I became involved with. We started as friends but progressed. He started to show signs that he was no longer interested in me by breadcrumbing. I attended a festival with some friends from the group who also knew him. There, I ran into him and he couldn’t have acted more uncomfortable. He awkwardly said “Hi.....well bye” and walked off. This happened in front of 4 of my friends who knew we have progressed. It was embarrassing. I called him out on it that night through text and he said that we are the ones who walked away which all 4 of my friends said was a lie. They verified that it was obvious he was trying to get away from me. I was upset so I decided to remove him from the group. Figured if he even respected me as a friend he would be upfront and talk to me rather than try to avoid me. Even if his interest changed. That, and he was rsvpd to attend 3 more events I was hosting and I didn’t want to see him again and deal with the drama. When he found out I removed him, he flipped. Said it was a b**** move and I didn’t talk to him about it first. He swore up and down what happened at the festival was a misunderstanding and if he didn’t want to talk to me anymore he would of told me upfront. He said I should of communicated better that I was upset and talked it out with him before removing him the group. It made me feel guilty so I offered to add him back but he said no cause now everyone thinks he’s an a*****e. I now feel really bad. Was removing him from the group the wrong move or is he gaslighting me?
kendahke Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 Who knows? But if he hasn't learned to control himself by his age, wouldn't you rather he "sat at the kiddie table" when it's your finances/brand that are in play?
Author Northern2 Posted November 16, 2019 Author Posted November 16, 2019 Who knows? But if he hasn't learned to control himself by his age, wouldn't you rather he "sat at the kiddie table" when it's your finances/brand that are in play? Sorry, im not understanding what you mean
stillafool Posted November 16, 2019 Posted November 16, 2019 I would have never called him out on his behavior. I wouldn't have let him know it bothered me that much and I certainly wouldn't care what my friends thought either. That would have been the end for me. This guy is not invested in getting to know you.
introverted1 Posted November 18, 2019 Posted November 18, 2019 I’m a leader of a social meetup group. <snip> Was removing him from the group the wrong move or is he gaslighting me? It was wrong of you to remove him. Meetup is intended as an open platform. Unless he violated Meetup's TOS, you had no basis for removing him. If you cannot handle the fallout from dating someone in your group, then just don't do it. It's inappropriate for you to punish this guy by removing his access to a public group. I'd let him back in and find another leader if you can't handle the interaction.
stillafool Posted November 18, 2019 Posted November 18, 2019 You are a poor communicator because you never told him about your live in ex bf either but it wouldn't have mattered this guy never was really interested. Your opening statement says you spent the night with him twice. If this true? If so, what happened the second time you spent the night?
clia Posted November 18, 2019 Posted November 18, 2019 It's your meetup group, so you have every right to remove him, but I think you overreacted by doing so. I think it's a stretch to say you were "involved" with him. Based on your posts above, he really didn't ever seem all that interested in developing a relationship with you. He was hot and cold from the beginning, never took you out on a date, never did more than kiss. It seems like you read too much into things and he was never all in, or even acted like he was. So, I can understand his confusion and anger at being kicked out of the group. To him, it probably feels like retaliation because he didn't want to date you. 1
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