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Should I stay or should I go....thoughts on this?

micheller

By micheller
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preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

You need to stop asking your daughter and start telling her and demanding she be polite to people, including him and especially adults in general. He did the exact right thing after she made that nasty comment about a gift. No one should give a spoiled kid with no appreciation a gift when they're that rude! Kids need to learn they earn gifts and other things, not that they are just entitled to things.

 

He's telling the truth when he says she was fine until you appeared, because you are the one enabling her and allowing her to act out rudely! You need to start disciplining her and making her earn things. He sounds perfectly reasonable to me and might do your kid some good if you'd let him and get on the same page with him about it.

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted
Care to elaborate? I prefer to think he's frustrated and perhaps at a loss on what to do. He hasn't told me its done unless you see something I'm not seeing. He's been withdrawn but I hope over the weekend he can finally relax a bit. I don't think hes the kind of man to throw me out on a whim. I don't have that concern at all.

 

Pride goes before destruction...

 

You underestimate the damage your actions have done to the esteem of your relationship and that happens when you don't take seriously his feelings of being emasculated by you in front of your kid and ordered to give a gift back.

 

There is no sex on the planet that is strong enough to erase from his memory the events of that day and it will seep into the intimate times when you try to sex this out of him--and that won't work. He'll recall your face when you gave your kid a pass and told him to give her back the gift that she wasn't entitled to.

 

So you can prefer to think all you want, but the fact is you're on ice so thin it's not funny right now... if right was so on your side, this thread wouldn't be here.

  • Like 2
Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

Posted
Posted (edited)
I don't think that thread is similar, except for the kids ages and timelines. The problem wasn't parenting differences there, more like how the woman treated her boyfriend. And they already broke up.

 

Hmmm, you and i almost always are in agreement on just about everything lol :) I do believe if you read through the lines, it's very similar. Let's say for arguments sake (and as i supposed they are different posters with eerily similar circumstances including writing styles, i.e. "background" etc), i think there is valuable feedback in there that will help this poster as the situations are similar enough.

 

I believe also if we checked in with "rachel" they ended up staying together at least for some time--otherwise i think she would have been back on as they unraveled a much intertwined relationship and as she recovered from the breakup.

 

For the sake of following the rules and benefit of the doubt, let's assume they are different people. Lots of valuable advice since the bf in rachels thread shut it down when the little girl stepped out of line in a rude way about the ice cream and was deemed rigid and shut her out, much like OP in this thread.

Edited by Versacehottie
  • Like 1
scooby-philly Established Member

scooby-philly

Posted
Posted

OMG - I WOULD BET MONEY THIS IS THE SAME PERSON!!!

 

If not, then the description is eerily similar.

 

In either regard it sounds like their parenting styles are different and that the timeline and process for introducing the families together was off.

  • Like 1
Mrin Established Member

Mrin

Posted
Posted

Mrin - I'm all eyes for your comments... I can take it. I really want there to be peace and harmony back in this relationship. I don't know where we stand... I assume we're still together. He hasn't asked me to move out - but I feel he should communicate more....no one should endure the silent treatment. I find it immature and it seems like its a power play to me.

 

Okay here goes... Some of this is written from his perspective and some just my genuine advice to you.

 

1. Him vs. You and Your Daughter: Right now he finds himself in a position where it is him (and by extension, his boys) vs. your daughter and you. Your daughter's behavior towards him and in the household is completely unacceptable. Especially because he welcomed you into his house with his boys. Because you instinctively took your daughter's side and excused her behavior, this has turned into a him vs. you/your daughter thing when it should be...

 

2. A partnership: By any objective measure, your daughter's behavior is unacceptable. Explainable? Sure. Understandable, maybe? But not acceptable. He feels like he's done his part. He's welcomed you guys into his home. It sounds like he's treated her like he does his boys. He's tried to adjudicate dispute fairly (e.g. flipping a coin). And, he's let you know that it isn't a workable situation. He probably feels like he's in a powerless position and the only power he does have is the nuclear option (asking you guys to leave). And, based on the current custody schedule, there is a good chance he'll go there this weekend.

 

He's looking for you to come in and back him up and be a partner to him rather than a bystander or adversary. I know that's not what your intent is but it is coming across that way. So.... here's how I would do it.

 

3. Acknowledgment: Start out by acknowledging that her behavior is not acceptable. Don't try to excuse it. Don't try to explain it away. Just acknowledge that no, it isn't acceptable to her to treat him that way. No "buts". No "you have to understand". Nothing. This will be the hardest thing you do - keeping your tongue still and not trying to defend you daughter. And you have to go further...

 

You have to acknowledge his feelings. Ask him how it makes him feel. Let him rant a bit if he wants to. Don't defend your daughter. Let him vent. Hopefully he'll open up.

 

4. Come with a plan: He's waiting for you to do two things: 1) acknowledge there is a problem and 2) do something about it. Remember, he feels powerless to do anything other than kick you out. You need to have a plan and it has to be something other than "do better" or "i'll talk to her". At a minimum I would have her meet with a child counselor/therapist. They're very used to this sort of thing. It will probably start out 1:1 with her and the therapist. And then branch into probably the two of you and the therapist and hopefully culminate in you, him, and your daughter.

 

The other thing you need to do in your plan is make a promise to step in with your daughter when these situations occur and back him up. Very vocally say that that sort of behavior isn't allowed and punish her (e.g. time out, etc...) You should also be proactive and fair to your daughter by telling her that she isn't allowed to behave that way and she will be punished if she does.

 

After you lay out your plan, ask him for his ideas. He may or may not participate in your plan. And that's okay.

 

He's successful. Driven and inflexible. Which means that he's a man of action. As a similar man, any action is better than no action - which is where he is now. A plan is a form of action to him. This is what he needs.

 

5. Followthrough: He's probably going to be happy about the plan but the second you falter and don't follow through, it is going to land like a hammer blow on him. You have to follow through. Set up the therapist. Make all the appointments. Step in when she acts up. If you don't follow through you might as well just do nothing. Following through means restoring or forming the partnership.

 

6. Boundaries: I'm a father of two daughters and a soon to be step-father of two sons. It is all about boundaries and firm ones at that. Ya, it sucks for kids when they repeatedly hit a boundary. But you have to erect them. It is okay if she doesn't like him. But she can't be disrespectful. Establish that boundary. Also, let her know that she can't pit you against him. You just won't let that happen. I would do this in conjunction with her therapist.

 

Finally: OP, as I mentioned above and as others have cautioned, the end of this relationship may be nigh upon you. I would suggest you have my proposed discussion with your BF as soon as possible.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

chillii Established Member

chillii

Posted
Posted (edited)

Probaly missed it but is she seeing her dad?

Anyway , it breaks my heart what kids go through in all this , but she's only 6 , l mean 6. And if she is seeing her dad which l hope to hell she is , then of course she doesn't want another one that really, has nothing to do with her, he's just a stranger,of course she's resentful.

How can she be expected to understand all this , at 6 for crying out loud, and come to terms with the family breaking up or even comprehend all this , and your bf being around.

Sounds like you both expect her to act like an adult or some shyt with no comprehension of what all this must be like for her.

 

The only suggestion l have is that he shouldn't act like and she doesn't need to have another dad , he's just mums friend , nothing more, and her friend to if she'll except that , in time , time time ,time. Try not to push it at all , try to just keep it all really light , playful, humor if possible and no second dad stuff , just mums friend. Might help.

But basically it's all just too soon for her and too much to expect of a 6yr old child if she has trouble with it and she obviously does.

The only other thing l could see otherwise is to just see him privately and just stop involving her , for another year or two . Hopefully in time she can come to terms with everything and be able to handle it better later on as she gets a bit older.

Edited by chillii
  • Like 1
BluEyeL Established Member

BluEyeL

Posted
Posted
Hmmm, you and i almost always are in agreement on just about everything lol :) I do believe if you read through the lines, it's very similar. Let's say for arguments sake (and as i supposed they are different posters with eerily similar circumstances including writing styles, i.e. "background" etc), i think there is valuable feedback in there that will help this poster as the situations are similar enough.

 

I believe also if we checked in with "rachel" they ended up staying together at least for some time--otherwise i think she would have been back on as they unraveled a much intertwined relationship and as she recovered from the breakup.

 

For the sake of following the rules and benefit of the doubt, let's assume they are different people. Lots of valuable advice since the bf in rachels thread shut it down when the little girl stepped out of line in a rude way about the ice cream and was deemed rigid and shut her out, much like OP in this thread.

 

Yes it does sound extremely similar , but I just read the part about Rachel screaming at him “what are you doing to my daughter??”, And understood that was the main issue. Didn’t read about conflict on the kid’s behavior.

 

Perhaps I missed it and maybe they got back together after they broke up .

  • Like 1
Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

Posted
Posted

lol, i replied many times on that thread so it's possible i caught most nuances. Either way, lots of valuable advice there no matter who the OP is on this thread since the situations are so similar. I think it boiled down to his aggravation over her parenting style and problems with the daughter being rude and him not having it while she was permissive about it being guilt tripped that it was to do with the divorce. Rachel threw her own tantrum and flew off the handle--wonder where the daughters in both cases get it :) And the bf in both cases was over it and shut her out in both cases.

 

Needless to say, much as in this thread, I feel like the OP on this thread doesn't see or take responsibility or a course of definitive action to get her daughter in line and come to more of an agreement on how to parent together in a blended household. I think the bf is fed up with "i'll talk to her" as a solution, which is to my point that it's a throwaway solution and more of a "negotiation" with the kid/maybe while he's left holding the bag and he doesn't like it (fairly IMO) and is not open to accepting that as a solution. As people have mentioned, the only concrete solution that I think he would find acceptable at this point is a neutral mediator, like a child therapist, to give therapy to the daughter and advise the OP on more effective parenting.

 

In fairness, there are 3 kids in the household. How does one explain how the other two are so well-behaved? His parenting style vs hers and the daughter is modeling the mother who behaves emotionally perhaps to get her way. In fairness, if i were in his shoes, I'd be done letting the negative energy from the daughter and instability between the two parents affect his kids. Sorry he has to draw the line somewhere. I'm actually upset for those kids. There's a limit to what they should have to deal with. Saying the kids get along is minor in comparison to what overall lessons they are seeing in front of them. It's nice that they get along but kind of insignificant in light of other things happening. Kids are generally easy and get along with other kids or will tell you that they do. It's not fair to the two boys.

Inspire Established Member

Inspire

Posted
Posted

Mrin made some really solid points. Right now he probably does feel it like its you vs him and he has every right to feel that way. It might have been too soon for you to expect her to accept anyone, much less him.

 

Your statements and actions lack empathy for how he must feel. Your stance comes off as "deal with it" ... That's a hard pill to swallow considering that he is right. I wouldn't be too chatty or want to touch you either.

 

If you want to have a chance as salvaging this he needs to know how you feel about him, that you empathize with how he must feel and you own up to the things you've said and done that would make him feel as though it is you vs him. Don't defend yourself, just own up. Ask him if he has a suggestion, get him involved. That at least tells him that you're open to improving this situation and above all else that you value his opinion. At the same time you need to be understanding that this may all have been too much for a relatively new relationship to handle. Moving in with someone too soon puts a lot of undue pressure on a relationship.

 

Don't wait for him, you need to act.

Malin889 Established Member

Malin889

Posted
Posted

You need to focus on your daughter's behavior and focus on her needs, away

from them. It sounds like you jumped into this co-habitating situation

pretty quickly. Did you let her adjust to him before you moved in together?

It sounds like she hasn't liked him from the get-go and she didn't get the

proper healing after you divorced. She's scared, he's frustrated, and you

need to step in to fix the situation. I think you should move out and

concentrate on her. You can still date him, but keep them separate for

awhile until she is ready.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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