Should I stay or should I go....thoughts on this?

[micheller]

Hello -

 

Sorry if this is long winded... debated for hours before I should even create an account and post this but if nothing else perhaps typing it all will help me think.

 

Background:

 

• He's 41, has two kids of his own (boys 6 and 9) and has been divorced once about 2 years ago.
  
• I'm 33, one little girl who is 6 and divorced about a 1.5 years ago.
  

 

About him: He's rigid - meaning that he's pretty inflexible when it comes to changes or delays. It aggravates him but he gets over it pretty quickly. He readily admitted to that fault early into our relationship. He says it helps him in his work and knows it can be a challenge outside of work. He's pretty successful, has his own place, is an excellent dad to his boys and overall is a very giving loving man. His boys adore me and bonded to me pretty quickly. I enjoy his kids and I know he appreciates the things I do for them (helping them study, teaching them cooking etc). He's an open book with me, always has been honest and doesn't keep secrets.

 

About me: I'm usually very flexible, changes don't bother me. I work full time also and am also pretty successful. I feel like for me, this relationship I have with him is ideal - we both don't need it and don't have to be in it...but we choose to do so. I was divorced shortly after my daughter was born..she's not used to other kids or another man in the family unit. We introduced each other to our kids about 3 months in. We've lived together now for 7 months - moved into his house. We've been in a relationship now going on 18 months.

 

The issues as he sees it: My daughter is not the warmest to him, she can say rude things and as much as my boyfriend shrugs it off he's clearly getting fed up with it. As an example, it was her birthday in early October...at home he tells her he got her a gift and proceeded to get it out of the car. She said "Your gifts are terrible, it better be better than your last surprise". Interestingly, he said "Forget it, I'll return it - happy birthday". I have no idea what he got her but I ended up becoming angry at him. I asked him to give her the gift anyway and I'll work on getting her to apologize. He said no, he shouldn't have got it anyway and that my child is unappreciative of anything.

 

He never gave her the gift, I assume he returned it. Two weeks ago, she was sick and I asked him if he could work from home and setup sick camp for her. He said sure....I call about an hour into that, she is crying hysterically that she wants me to come home and that she misses me. I ask him why he didn't let me know she was having a tough time with it. He claims she was just fine until I called and then she melted down. I ask my daughter many times why she is so rude to him and mean..and usually I get silence, or i get comments like I just want it to go back to the two of us.

 

The last situation occurred 3 days ago - I wouldn't be able to get home early for a pre-Halloween neighborhood event - he volunteered to handle it and had his kids with him. When it came time to leave to go door to door - she wanted to go left on the street and his boys wanted to go right. He settles it by a coin flip and his boys won. She had a meltdown - he said he told her that there will always be disagreements and that he tried to settle it fairly...next time you may get what you want. She wanted to go back in the house. So everyone went back to the house until I got home. He told me we needed to talk in private.

 

He basically said - this isn't working. That my daughter does not respect him and refuses to listen. He claims that if anyone else asked her to do something or gave her a gift she'd listen and appreciate it. But that when it comes from him it's always met with resistance and he's tired of it. He said he knew that some kids have to warm up to the other person but that by now it should be better. He thinks she wasn't ready for her mom to date. He took his boys to the event (the pre halloween event) and when he came back he was distant. He's been distant the past 3 days. Barely talks, didn't do anything family like during halloween and hasn't touched me. I tell him this isn't fair and that every child is different and that his behavior is worse than what's happened. He simply said - I don't get it, and if the shoe was on the other foot Id feel different about it.

 

He has his kids this weekend, I don't have her. I feel like the connection we had has been lost. I think the silent treatment is immature especially or a 40+ year old man. I just don't know what to do or so. Not sure what I can do.. I can't force her to like him or respect/listen to him. If I take away things..she resents him more.

 

I don't want to lose him, I really admire him and when things are good they are very good. We work well together, and enjoy a lot of the same things. I think we're cut from the same cloth lol. Just wish I knew how to work to fix this issue.

Edited November 1, 2019 by micheller

[Mrin]

Just my opinion...

 

1. He's right about everything he said to you after he came home.

 

2. You're wrong about what you said back to him about his behavior being worse than your daughter's. It isn't.

 

3. He can't parent your daughter. She isn't accepting him in that role. That's why he stopped after he basically said this isn't working.

 

4. You have to parent your daughter.

 

5. This isn't working. She, and you, by virtue of of you not taking a more active parenting role with your daughter, are a disruptive influence on his household and his relationship with the boys.

 

6. You are sulking and not taking an active role in solving the problem of your daughter's behavior towards him.

 

7. If you do nothing, the next conversation he has with you about this will be to tell you and your daughter to move out.

 

Sorry if that stings. But it is the cold hard truth. I can give you advice but you will probably need to decide if you can chew and swallow what I just said first.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

[anika99]

I feel like little kids often get the short end of the stick when it comes to their parents divorcing and getting into new marriages/relationships. Their little lives are turned upside down, they feel pushed to the side while their parents are off chasing new romances, and they are powerless.

 

Couple of contradictions in your post. You say you divorced 1.5 yrs ago and you say you were divorced shortly after your daughter was born. That's not adding up. If your daughter is 6yrs old and you were divorced 1.5yrs ago then she 4 1/2 when you got divorced and that's not shortly after she was born.

 

Then you say you have been in this relationship for 18 months which is 1.5 yrs. So you jumped into this relationship immediately upon your divorce. Your divorce was a time whe your daughter really really needed you. She needed assurance, she needed attention, she needed to be given lots and lots of time to adjust to the divorce before even more changes were forced on her. Here she is just 4 1/2 yrs old, her father is gone and her mother is of falling in love and bonding with some other kids. Next thing she knows she is being forced to live with a stepfather and stepbrothers that she never wanted or asked for. All these life changing events that she has no power over.

 

Your boyfriend is correct. Your little girl wasn't ready for any of this, it was pushed on her way too fast. She is not happy but she is too young to articulate her feelings or really even understand why she feels and behaves the way she does. Little kids are deeply affected by things but don't yet have the self awareness or verbal skills to explain themselves, so they act out their pain instead.

 

Move out, focus on your daughter. Make sure she is well adjusted, feels loved, valued and 100% safe before you consider moving in with any man. Your poor little girl should have been given at least a couple of years of your undivided attention before she had to share you with another man and his kids and before that man and his kids were living with her.

[rightondude]

yeah you need to talk. Talk to your daughter, that is. If you want this man in y'alls life you're going to need to explain that to her. It sounds like he did this with his boys or didn't need to as much as you do. You say you were divorced shortly after she was born, but she's 6 and you've only been divorced 1.5 years? If she has never had a man in her life, this is a huge change and it doesn't sound like the change has been a good one.

 

But you can and must shape the kids perspective and actions if you want this to work.

[micheller]

Thanks everyone.

 

Apparently I can't edit the post now, there's a typo. I was divorced shortly after she was born but it was not finalized. He moved out and moved on with his life but decided to finally wrap up the process and I quit fighting so the process was finished about 1.5 years ago.

 

I didn't date for some time after my ex moved out, I focused on my little one and raised her on my own. I dated off an on before I met my current boyfriend and he's the only guy that's been around and met her. I felt she was ready and at times, the family unit works very well together. Things always break down and the train comes off the tracks when he (my bf) feels like he's not being appreciated or respected.

 

I can't force that, I feel when she's ready she will be ready. She may never accept him as a fatherly figure and that's fine but she needs to understand it's not appropriate to be rude or harsh like that.

 

Mrin - I'm all eyes for your comments... I can take it. I really want there to be peace and harmony back in this relationship. I don't know where we stand... I assume we're still together. He hasn't asked me to move out - but I feel he should communicate more....no one should endure the silent treatment. I find it immature and it seems like its a power play to me.

[SumGuy]

Have to sadly agree in large part with Mrin. I agree about him not giving her the present, her attitude was unacceptable.

 

However, your daughter is 6 . To me that is hugely important.

I think he needs to give her and you a bit of a break (not in break from the relationship but more understanding). Have you told him it is really not about him but it sounds like your daughter is afraid of losing you?

 

I think counseling to help your daughter with her fears and anxiety, which are perfectly reasonable for a 6 year old, would help.

 

If I have his personality down, I suspect he is applying a standard to a 6 year old he would apply to someone much older and holding you to parent like he did or has. It is unfair to expect you to parent like him, or have parented like him, or even if you have a 6 year old (who saw a divorce at around 4 or 5) can still act up.

 

In my unprofessional view, your daughter is not bad, or rude, she is a 6 year old who went through a traumatic experience at 4 or 5 and this is her way of trying to keep you and bring some sense of security to her life. He needs to understand that "discipline" doesn't solve everything (except symptoms) and in fact can just kick the can down the road.

 

He needs to connect to his heart more, and you more action on helping your daughter process all this...and kindly let her know when her behaviors are inappropriate. I would 100% agree if you said she should have no worries, that her response is not appropriate; but she is 6. She is feeling and thinking like a 6 year old, it is the job of the adults to help her respond appropriately and to help her with her emotions. It can take some time for that to happen.

 

I bet he will say it is just about parenting, but he is expecting a 6 year old to take care of his emotions. He should not let a 6 year olds acting out impact his emotional state at all (I'm a parent to 3 kids so know it is hard).

 

You can ask him is he going to let a 6 year determine his romantic relationships? Also he doesn't see this working? Really" She is 6, you don't think she may mature as she ages? In fact, he has a lot of power together with you to help your daughter mature, it is eminently doable at this age unless you just give up.

 

Of course it is just directed at him, his relationship with you is the threat to her security. She feels she is going to completely lose you if you stay with him. Yes it is irrational (to an adult) but she is 6, in 6 year old world it is not irrational, I'm not sure if anything is.

 

Understand where the 6 year old is coming from, provide love, support and firm guidance. I think you and him going to a professional child counselor to help you both understand on how to respond and proceed is good. In my view your daughter is doing this out of fear not because she is a bad kid and not because she doesn't like him or his gifts (in fact that may make it worse if she like him it makes even more fear that you like him...yes it is completely illogical...welcome to the emotions of a 6 year old)

 

This won't improve overnight but truly believe that once your daughter can internalize you will always be there for her and that he is trying to as well she will do better, in fact probably bloom into the wonderful kid you know her to be.

[notthatintome]

The issues as he sees it: My daughter is not the warmest to him, she can say rude things and as much as my boyfriend shrugs it off he's clearly getting fed up with it. As an example, it was her birthday in early October...at home he tells her he got her a gift and proceeded to get it out of the car. She said "Your gifts are terrible, it better be better than your last surprise". Interestingly, he said "Forget it, I'll return it - happy birthday". I have no idea what he got her but I ended up becoming angry at him. I asked him to give her the gift anyway and I'll work on getting her to apologize. He said no, he shouldn't have got it anyway and that my child is unappreciative of anything.

 

 

This troubles me. He gave your daughter a present and she behaved in a unsuitable manner yet you told him to give it to her anyway?!

 

 

After a divorce a child needs strong boundaries; often guilt, or an easy life can make you give into her more frequently. If you are to live as one family you need to be united - in the way you parent and deal with such issues. Without that the whole thing will be (and is) a complete mess.

 

 

I can't see that he has done anything wrong, he is trying his best. He can't deal with your daughter. It appears as though she is continually getting her own way and rewarded for her bad behaviour. If she continues then she gets her wish of being 'just you two' again - why would she change? It looks as though her wish is coming true.

 

 

The thing is whoever you are with, your daughter will act the same - does that mean you have to be single until she leaves home? Unrealistic. You need to do your bit to make this work. Discuss how you will parent together, what your boundaries are and consistently apply them, even when your daughter is showing problematic behaviour. This consistency and your unconditional love, will help her adapt to this change. The tantrums will lessen when she realises she can't get her own way.

 

 

 

You seem like you are blaming him but it's not his fault, he sounds great. Unfortunately you need to work out how you are going manage your daughters behaviour.

[Ruby Slippers]

We've lived together now for 7 months - moved into his house.

 

He basically said - this isn't working.

I think it must be very scary for a 6-year-old girl to be in a cohabiting/roommate situation with this new family. I'm not at all surprised she's reacting this way.

 

Since you haven't made the commitment to get married, she's probably feeling this is unstable and could implode at any time, hence the bad reactions.

 

I think if you had discussed plans to get married and eased everyone into this more gradually, it would have gone much more smoothly. Right now, he's basically just some guy to her. If you were married, I'm sure things would feel more permanent and secure for her.

[micheller]

I think it must be very scary for a 6-year-old girl to be in a cohabiting/roommate situation with this new family. I'm not at all surprised she's reacting this way.

 

Since you haven't made the commitment to get married, she's probably feeling this is unstable and could implode at any time, hence the bad reactions.

 

I think if you had discussed plans to get married and eased everyone into this more gradually, it would have gone much more smoothly. Right now, he's basically just some guy to her. If you were married, I'm sure things would feel more permanent and secure for her.

 

Perhaps, though it's a bit early for talks of marriage. I mean short of this reoccuring issue, there's been zero problems. I admire him, his parenting and his financial discipline among the other things he does (volunteers, etc). He really is a good man, but as I mentioned before, he's rigid.. and I fear that with this distance he's already made up his mind. I don't want to disrupt or fracture the family again.

 

I touched on the topic of marriage briefly and sort of as a joke and he provided some details that told me about his thinking on the topic. He said his first marriage failed because she was not ready to commit and that he can't trust his own judgement on marriages and will not rush. He also clearly said the door was open for that to a degree but that he didn't want to rush and that he wanted much more time. I think that's fair... if he has the same position in another year that may be an issue for me.

Edited November 1, 2019 by micheller

[Interstellar]

Everything anika99 said. Everything.

 

You need to break up. Drop this guy, and he’s miserable anyway he’ll be relieved.

 

This is about your daughter. You should’ve taken the time with her before you even started dating anyone. You’re really thinking of yourself here. It’s selfish.

 

The guy didn’t do anything wrong. He was right to be upset and now he’s distant, hah, and resentment has already creeped in. Sounds like a recipe for an incredible, and happy, long lasting relationship!

 

He’s checked out and this is not gonna get better so count your losses, focus on your daughter and move on.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

I think returning your daughters gift, especially after you asked him not to, was an overreaction on his part. That being said, you're daughter is out of line for her behavior. Since it's an ongoing issue and you've already tried talking to her, maybe it's time to see a child therapist or something.

 

Part of the problem is that you moved into his house without being married or even engaged first. Being married or engaged first would have demonstrated that he is committed to the ups and downs of life. Yes, dealing with a bratty 6 year-old is unpleasant, but it happens and will likely resolve as she gets older and understands the sacrifice he's making. It shouldn't be this huge deal-breaker. When there is no deep commitment and you move in, any little thing is potentially grounds for ending the relationship.

 

It's also possible something else is the REAL issue and he's using your daughter's bratty behavior as an excuse to get out.

 

He's already told you he doesn't feel things are working, and his behavior towards you has grown cold and disrespectful. Hope for the best that things can work out, but make alternate living arrangements ASAP just in case.

[ChatroomHero]

When he said he would take the gift back and return it, you should have actually insisted he do so. You should have also told your daughter you were going to take back any gifts you got her. How else would she know her behavior has consequences?

 

You say she may never fully accept him, but YOU need to teach her she has to respect him at least. You need to show her consequences for bad behavior.

 

She's taking cues from you. She says something nasty and disrespectful to someone giving her a gift and when that person is upset and says forget it, you are siding with your daughter in actuality, when she is in the wrong.

 

You're the parent. She doesn't tell you what to do or who to date. Now you just have to make sure she understands that. Until you step up and be a parent, she will run all over you and dictate what you do and who you see.

[micheller]

Everything anika99 said. Everything.

 

You need to break up. Drop this guy, and he’s miserable anyway he’ll be relieved.

 

This is about your daughter. You should’ve taken the time with her before you even started dating anyone. You’re really thinking of yourself here. It’s selfish.

 

The guy didn’t do anything wrong. He was right to be upset and now he’s distant, hah, and resentment has already creeped in. Sounds like a recipe for an incredible, and happy, long lasting relationship!

 

He’s checked out and this is not gonna get better so count your losses, focus on your daughter and move on.

 

I'm a little surprised at the tone of this reply...you don't think there's realistically any way of coming back from this? People do far worse things in a relationship (or a marriage for that matter) and can sort it out if two people are willing. I can't help but think that throwing in the towel now will only cause my daughter more confusion as well as confuse his boys. I don't think when things get difficult you just walk away. If he tells me it's done I'm going to fight to help him change his mind but in the end... I can't control it. I don't think a relationship, especially a long term one with kids involved should be so easily tossed. I don't know.... now I am even more confused.

[SumGuy]

...

 

I can't force that, I feel when she's ready she will be ready. She may never accept him as a fatherly figure and that's fine but she needs to understand it's not appropriate to be rude or harsh like that.

Exactly and forcing it won't address the root cause. You can require manners while also recognizing she "doesn't like him." If he is a business guy then the "root cause" language should be familiar to him.

 

I'll repeat she is 6, logical conversation is not a reasonable expectation at that age. Laying out all his good traits likely makes her act up more, while I bet agreeing with her would make her feel more secure. But consult professional first on how best to proceed.

 

It is not hopeless, just what he has tried is not working. No surprise because he likely cannot remember his own 6 year old "thought" process and likely did not go through a divorce when he was 4 or 5. There are professions that can give you the tools and language that will work.

 

You both need to disabuse yourself of the notion that a 6 year old will act logically, or responds best to logical arguments. this is all emotion drive, you helping her get through this is part of the process of her learning to become more logical and not let her emotions rule her thinking and acting.

 

It may even help to put it into a business context. He has not been addressing the root cause of your daughter's problem with him (hint I suspect she has no problem with him actually, it likely frustrate her that he is so likeable and feeds her fear even more) and certainly not in a way that is effective for her "negotiation strategy." Maybe he should think of this in the Thomas-Killman Conflict resolution manner with different negotiation styles, but only to a point...DO NOT have him apply how you react there to your daughter (it works well with adults not 6 year olds).

 

Rather Thomas-Killman is an analogy, when you need or want to do a deal, but you have difficult people on the other side you have to adjust your approach to get the deal done. Here the adjustment is talking to a child specialist to address your daughters fears and also insure that when you instill manners into her you do it in the best way.

 

 

I really want there to be peace ng how one thought wehen 6and harmony back in this relationship. I don't know where we stand... I assume we're still together. He hasn't asked me to move out - but I feel he should communicate more....no one should endure the silent treatment. I find it immature and it seems like its a power play to me.

 

It may be immature, he may just be exasperate...in any event it looks like you need to be the adult for him as well, the diplomat as well.

 

Given he is a very organized guy, I'd suggest reaching out to him to talk.

Don't ask him if he wants to still be together, ask him if your daughter didn't act this way would he want to be together.

 

Acknowledge there is a problem, and you want to solve it and it maybe beyond your basic parent knowledge. Let him know that you think it is because your daughter fears losing you, I'm sure he can imagine how that would make him fell if his sons said the same. That a child psychologist might really help, on how to help your daughter overcome what is likely fear not any dislike of him, in fact the nicer he is the more fearful she may be of losing you (not that he should be mean).

 

You can let him know he has been a good man in all of this, you know it tries his patience, and people go through much worse for a relationship that is far less than what you two have.

 

She is 6, this problem can be solved and as she gets older she will be more logical and easier to deal with.

 

I really wish you the best of luck, this should not be what breaks up a good relationship.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Perhaps, though it's a bit early for talks of marriage. I mean short of this reoccuring issue, there's been zero problems. I admire him, his parenting and his financial discipline among the other things he does (volunteers, etc). He really is a good man, but as I mentioned before, he's rigid.. and I fear that with this distance he's already made up his mind. I don't want to disrupt or fracture the family again.

 

I touched on the topic of marriage briefly and sort of as a joke and he provided some details that told me about his thinking on the topic. He said his first marriage failed because she was not ready to commit and that he can't trust his own judgement on marriages and will not rush. He also clearly said the door was open for that to a degree but that he didn't want to rush and that he wanted much more time. I think that's fair... if he has the same position in another year that may be an issue for me.

 

Then why move in together, which involves children, so soon if it's too soon to get engaged or married?

[Ruby Slippers]

If it's too early to make a real commitment in marriage, it's too early to move in together and put your children in this limbo situation. I don't think it's fair to put a young child in that position. Your daughter is letting you know this in her 6-year-old way, and your boyfriend is right that it's not going to work.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd move out and get my own place, then only move in together once you're married or at the very least engaged.

[kendahke]

This relationship is done. You might as well go find someplace else to live because you and your daughter dropped a reality bomb in his lap and he's recoiling from the horror.

[Interstellar]

I'm a little surprised at the tone of this reply...you don't think there's realistically any way of coming back from this? People do far worse things in a relationship (or a marriage for that matter) and can sort it out if two people are willing. I can't help but think that throwing in the towel now will only cause my daughter more confusion as well as confuse his boys. I don't think when things get difficult you just walk away. If he tells me it's done I'm going to fight to help him change his mind but in the end... I can't control it. I don't think a relationship, especially a long term one with kids involved should be so easily tossed. I don't know.... now I am even more confused.

 

No. It’s over.

 

As evidence shows, kids are very, very, inflexible when it comes to having a new man (or woman) in the house. In their minds, there is only one daddy. They don’t want some stranger telling them to eat their vegetables, telling them what to do, etc...

[micheller]

This relationship is done. You might as well go find someplace else to live because you and your daughter dropped a reality bomb in his lap and he's recoiling from the horror.

 

Care to elaborate? I prefer to think he's frustrated and perhaps at a loss on what to do. He hasn't told me its done unless you see something I'm not seeing. He's been withdrawn but I hope over the weekend he can finally relax a bit. I don't think hes the kind of man to throw me out on a whim. I don't have that concern at all.

[Ruby Slippers]

I ask my daughter many times why she is so rude to him and mean..and usually I get silence, or i get comments like I just want it to go back to the two of us.

 

my daughter does not respect him and refuses to listen

It's all right here in black and white.

 

You forced this limbo roommate situation on your daughter and she deeply resents it, as she should.

 

If you had eased into this properly, given everyone proper time to bond and adjust, and only moved in once you were married, giving your very young daughter the foundation for security that she needs to thrive, it probably would have been very different.

 

If you continue as is, she's only going to grow more resentful and hostile, could end up with lasting developmental issues. I don't think a responsible, loving parent overlooks their child's normal, natural feelings like this.

[SumGuy]

Perhaps, though it's a bit early for talks of marriage. I mean short of this reoccuring issue, there's been zero problems. I admire him, his parenting and his financial discipline among the other things he does (volunteers, etc). He really is a good man, but as I mentioned before, he's rigid.. and I fear that with this distance he's already made up his mind. ...

 

The rigidity is an issue as he may feel that addressing her fears and having some understanding on his part is "giving in" to her behavior.

He may not hear the part about setting boundaries and requiring manners, when the method proposed is not the one he chose or come naturally to him.

 

Hence the business analogy of Thomas-Killman.

 

No one is giving in (well maybe he is giving up) you are adjusting approach to get the result you both want. What he has tried and you have tried is not working. Neither one of you should assume you know what will work at this point. Consult a professional in this and then together as a unified front apply what the professional recommends.

 

Hence "bottom-line" it for him. If your daughter learned to not be rude to him or even like him would he want this? That is the bottom line. If yes then there is still hope because neither of you knew how to best respond, and in fact I would say both of you are completely out of your depth here.

It is OK to acknowledge that.

 

The thing a "can do" person would do is realize that what they tried didn't work and is not be afraid to find what does work.

 

He should realize that he does not really know how to deal in general with a 6 year old going through deep emotional issues. He dealt with his 6 year old, as in business where not all people view negotiation the same, not all 6 year olds are going to react the same.

 

He likely doesn't realize his reaction is not as logical as he thinks (I would not necessarily tell him this), in my experience rigid people are slow to recognize when their emotions are overtaking their reason, but they are very good about wrapping up their emotional responses as logic.

 

 

P.S. I almost swear by Thomas-Killman in the business context, has done wonders for me in negotiating with zero-sum mentalities, which are usually so full of themselves they can't fathom you are on to them and leading them.

[SumGuy]

Care to elaborate? I prefer to think he's frustrated and perhaps at a loss on what to do. He hasn't told me its done unless you see something I'm not seeing. He's been withdrawn but I hope over the weekend he can finally relax a bit. I don't think hes the kind of man to throw me out on a whim. I don't have that concern at all.

 

Good. I'll elaborate, your getting projection not advice. I've seen nothing in what you have posted to conclude it is 100% hopeless. Rather just what has been tried not been working and the situation is pushing you to the edge.

 

A child psychologist is who you need to be taking advice from, not internet posters (except for that advice )

[scooby-philly]

OP,

 

First off - ignore the people saying it's 100% time to go or this is 100% fixeable. Neither are correct.

 

Second - we need a clear, accurate, and detailed timeline of events here as your original post and your comment about the original post are confusing.

 

My overall reaction is that you rushed into living together without consideration of his personality, his parenting style, and your feelings for him. But it's hard to piece things together given the little and confusing detail you provided.

 

In terms of the specific situation it's also hard to gauge the appropriateness of your BF's response to your daughter's action without more (and clear) detail. Things like, does she know or have ever met her biological father? How did you frame up the moving-in situation? How long and in what ways did you get her to meet your BF and his children? If that was not handled well, her behavior may be rude but it's understandable. That said, if it's been a constant stream of rudeness for 1.5 years and you haven't addressed it seriously with her, then I can understand why your BF's reaction. Sure, some may see it as an extension of his rigid personality. But no one deserves to be disrespected like that, especially if's been on a regular basis for such a long time.

 

In all honesty, I'm feeling something fishy here - as if you're purposefully omitting, changing, or lying about details to cover something up. That may not be your intent at all, and we all want to help. But as Shakespeare said (based on your initial post and your "clarification") - "something's rotten in the state of Denmark".

[BluEyeL]

I'm sorry you are having these issues. However, they are extremely common.

 

Let's say this ends and in a few years you meet someone else and I'm not saying it's 100% sure but very very likely you'll have similar problems or even worse. It's just that step parents and step kids are often not getting along. I for one, believe is more on the step parent than on the kid to behave. I believe him taking things personally from a 6yo is not reasonable. They are not equals.

 

I think your boyfriend is being unreasonable and unrealistic when expecting a 6yo to like and respect him blah blha blah.. it's rarely like that and there is not much you can do to force her. Also, he's being unrealistic in respect to timelines. It takes about 4 years for a step family to start working reasonably well.

 

I don't think this relationship will go very well on the long term, not becuase of the 6 yo or even the BF reactions to a little kid's behavior, but because he said he wasn't ready to commit to his ex wife (what would make him commit to you-especially with the added stress of a blended family) and his hesitation about marriage (not that it's not understandable). Also, you were way too quick to move in!!! What the actual....xxxx ? Too quick! Why did you do that to yourself? You know that relationships are best when living separately. You should still be going on dates and not worrying about parenting and such conflicts.

 

Now that's done. What I'd do, in your shoes, is separate him from parenting and caring for your daughter as much as possible. Don't leave her with him alone when she's sick, don't send him with her and the boys to events etc.

 

In addition, family counseling would be really necessary. Again, you'd have similar situations in every and any blended family. It's just a matter of time and degree. And kids have meltdowns in non-blended families too, and siblings fight, but parents don't hold it against the other one and don't resent the meltdown kid. In addition, the kid throwing tantrums accepts the disciplining. So in this case, it's better he isn't in charge. You are not there yet. not married and not enough time has passed and the girl is having a hard time.

 

Again, I'm really sorry you're going through this. If it's not working out please next time don't move in so quick. Do it more gradually, 2-3 years...and do pre marital counseling and talk a lot about the blended family issues with your SO so you both (all) have realistic expectations and the patience to deal with them, knowing it takes several years, not expecting "respect and love" next day after moving in.

Edited November 1, 2019 by BluEyeL

[Versacehottie]

I don't know if anyone else has mentioned this but did you post before under a different name? This situation was virtually the same as someone who posted several months ago--along with the kids (gender/ages). If it's not you, you might find lots of insight on that thread. I can try to find it and link.

 

Ok, as i'm sure i said on that thread, why is this 6 year old running the household? Sorry she is rude and taking you all for a ride. You know why she is doing it? Cause it works. She can manipulate you guys in the kid way. Frankly,I totally agree with your boyfriend. She may be able to jerk you around but he's right not to allow it for himself or to affect his kids--nor to let them see that her bad behavior is rewarded. It looks like you guys are at an impasse.

 

He's in a tough position as it is not his role to parent her--it's yours but it looks like he does not respect your parenting style and it's causing problems. Again, I agree with him. I don't get why you are trying to reason and negotiate with a child about things that are clearly in the wrong--when she is in the wrong, it shouldn't be up for discussion--you are the parent, not two equals. That's the lesson he has trying to impart: if you are ungrateful about gifts, you will not receive them; play fair, sometimes things are in others favor, i.e. which direction to go for halloween and sometimes they are in yours; you need to share and a meltdown/tantrum doesn't solve things or turn them in your favor. Idk, he seems totally reasonable to me. Those are great lessons. I don't get why you are being such a pushover and permissive toward her--when it will NOT benefit her in the long run.

 

On your timeline (which is sketchy as someone else pointed out and way too soon to move in with kids if you ask me), she has been in his household, in his life since about 4 years old? Sorry, this has very little to do with the divorce. It's just a little girl who throws a tantrum when things don't go her way and you are falling for it. I wish I could send your guy a message that breaking up is the right thing to do. Sorry, little sympathy for this situation.