Goulash Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 (edited) Recently, I got in touch with an old acquaintance I hadn't seen in three years. We saw each other walking by the college's corridors, and I, not expecting much, decided to message her in social media. We talked for a while, and I suggested we might go eat something simple and quick after our classes. She seemed kind and responsive in her texts, and, to my surprise, she accepted the invitation and gave me her phone number. The day before we'd meet, I messaged her to see if the thing was still up. She only answered a few hours before the established time, apologizing and asking to reschedule: a close relative had died during the night. I promptly said it was ok and gave her my condolences. A few days later, a friend suggested I asked her if she'd like to meet and talk, have an ear to listen to her situation. As I followed this advice, I got a long reply with multiple apologies a couple of days later. She said her relative's death had worsened her already complicated mental health, that she took long to answer because she was avoiding social media due to anxiety, and that she'd like time to sort things out before anything else. As someone who went through some terrible moments with both depression and anxiety, and who knows how crippling it can be, I saw no problem in her request. She thanked me for my understanding and we then chatted a little bit more. I said that I, too, had my bad moments with mental illness, and that I was available if she ever needed someone to vent or talk about it with. Even though I think she probably won't do that, as we don't know each other that well, and she probably has friends to do it with already, she actually seemed to appreciate my offer. Of course I want to give her the space she needs, and I don't want to bother her in any way, but I also don't know how to reapproach her later. In her texts, she was always kind and responsive, which makes me believe she's not necessarily uninterested in getting to know each other eventually. I'll likely move on with my life and try to talk to other people, but I also don't want to just set her aside. I really appreciated her honesty on the situation, and I sincerely related to her story, as it resembles mine in quite a few ways. I don't know what to make of this, or how to talk to her in the future, if I even should. Edited November 1, 2019 by Goulash
ExpatInItaly Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 Honestly, I wouldn't approach her again. She is going through too much and you don't really know her. You both handled the matter respectfully but it is clear she isn't in a place to be going on a date right now. She will find you again if she's up for it. 1
Art_Critic Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 It sounds like you both a good respectful conversation but in the end she blew you off.. for what ever reason it is still the same. All your communication with her never yielded in actually going on a date with her. I see a few red flags.. one is her mental health, if her family member dying made it worse then it isn't the best to begin with, do you really want to start dating someone who you might have to save ? I think the fact she never met with you anytime after the chance meeting at the college is a red flag, you should have more self respect for your own time and effort than that. Of course I want to give her the space she needs, and I don't want to bother her in any way, but I also don't know how to reapproach her later. You should not re-approach her at all, SHE clearly took the ball into her court so any contact has to come from her, otherwise you will be bothering her. Is it possible that you both have some common friend that you could gauge her in the future and see if she might have just blown you off or was serious about your exchange ?
d0nnivain Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 Keep her on social media. Let her know if you are doing something that she can attend. For example: my friends & I are going to the student union to play pool later if you want to stop by; I'm going to the Alpha Beta house for the party tonight come find me; we're going to be standing on the corner of Main & University to watch the Homecoming parade -- hope to see you. But do not ask about one of one date things for the rest of this semester.
kendahke Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 Grief is a tough thing to wade through. My mother died in January and I have had no interest in dating, talking to anyone, getting into anything with anyone because the grief is all consuming. It's only been in the last few weeks that I've begun to feel like I used to feel, so depending upon how close she was to this relative, it could be a really horrible blow for her and may take her some time to get through it. My advice would be to periodically reach out and see how she's doing. Let her suggest the two of you get together--that way, you'll know if she, as I put it "is no longer on the bottom of the ocean on a gulp of air".
Lotsgoingon Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 Sorry, I'm not buying it. First of all ... she's in deep grief over a "relative." I mean a parent's death ... a child's death sure ... but paralyzing grief over a "relative." Sounds like an excuse to me ... an excuse to keep distance from you because she's depressed and has been depressed since before the relative's death. Just FYI: There is no such thing as you providing space for someone to vent--unless you are a close friend, who has been in a lot of recent contact. So making an offer like that ... is useless ... and it's way too "giving" anyway. Offer to take her to dinner, if you want to do her a favor. She's not going to suddenly let you in on the deepest feelings and thoughts she has. And if she took up your offer and sobbed and cried and told you about her depression during a first meeting in years ... you would freak out. You aren't in position to handle that energy. Playing "I'll be patient/let me know what I can do" card ... is clingy and passive and unrealistic. People need close friends to cry with and process deep pain. Sounds like she's depressed ... and not available for dating. So, offer to take her out if you want to "help" her ... Other than that, leave her alone. 1
brokenblade Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 (edited) I think the best thing to do is leave the ball in her court and let her do the reaching out. As someone who's grieved a lot, I appreciate offers for support, but I need to have the space to reach out so to speak. As long as no one tries to force me. I don't know what to say for her because people grieve differently. Edited November 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed
Author Goulash Posted November 4, 2019 Author Posted November 4, 2019 (edited) Hi, everyone, thanks for the answers! Sorry for the delay, I had a rather tough weekend. Is it possible that you both have some common friend that you could gauge her in the future and see if she might have just blown you off or was serious about your exchange ? No common friends, but a good friend of mine shares a class with her. He described her as "sad-looking and isolated", things I certainly wouldn't have described her when we first met, she used to be very approachable and well-spoken. Also, he can confirm the relative's death thing. I see a few red flags.. one is her mental health, if her family member dying made it worse then it isn't the best to begin with, do you really want to start dating someone who you might have to save ? That's a good point. I know I posted this on "Dating", but I might be reconsidering how my interest in her manifests. As far as my experience goes, relationships starting as someone "saving" the other are doomed to fail sometime. What I mean is that I'll probably settle as only a friend. I don't go much into this in my post, but, by the time we first met, I was also deep into depression, and she was one of the few people who were consistently kind and friendly to me... so I suppose there's some sentiment on my part. If I get to know her better, and I see we're both mature enough to handle those issues, maybe I'll consider trying a relationship, but that's not the plan right now. Edited November 4, 2019 by Goulash
Author Goulash Posted November 4, 2019 Author Posted November 4, 2019 Thanks for the honest answer, Lotsgoingon! Sorry, I'm not buying it. First of all ... she's in deep grief over a "relative." I mean a parent's death ... a child's death sure ... but paralyzing grief over a "relative." Sounds like an excuse to me ... an excuse to keep distance from you because she's depressed and has been depressed since before the relative's death. Maybe I should've developed my post more, I'm sorry for the potential vagueness. She actually specified me the relative, It's her grandfather. I just wrote about this in response to Art_Critic, but I think it applies here also: I know a friend who shares a class with her, and he confirms both the mental health issues and the grandfather's death. My friend's sad and gloomy description of her absolutely doesn't match the warm and joyful persona she had when we first met, and he says that, during that same week we would meet, she talked to their professor about her grandfather's death, and that she would likely have to miss a couple of classes. Just FYI: There is no such thing as you providing space for someone to vent--unless you are a close friend, who has been in a lot of recent contact. So making an offer like that ... is useless ... and it's way too "giving" anyway(...) Playing "I'll be patient/let me know what I can do" card ... is clingy and passive and unrealistic. I had no idea it could be seen this way, thanks for the warning. Justifying myself: when I first knew her, I was going through the lowest point of a long struggle with mental illness, and she was always consistently friendly with me, despite not being at my best, so I guess there was some sentiment involved in my offer. But yeah, I guess I was being unrealistic if I expected anything from that. Thank's for the shake up. 1
kendahke Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 The death of her grandfather is a perfectly understandable family member to be distraught over, especially if he was present in her life growing up. Plenty of people have extremely close relationships with their grandparents and would be beside themselves with grief over their passing. Nothing fake about that and it's insulting and highly insensitive to even suggest otherwise.
MountainGirl111 Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 How about just sending her a sympathy card? Do people even still do that? I'd just tell her you understand if this is a hard time and you can relate and leave her with a way to get in touch with you. Give her condolences and if she wants to get in touch with you she will and if she doesn't she won't. It's not such a huge loss if she won't because it sounds like you'd be taking on someone who's mentally ill. Do you really want to do that? It might seem fine at first....but not so good the more you get to know them.
mortensorchid Posted November 5, 2019 Posted November 5, 2019 I agree. Being with a person who is depressed (no matter what the reason) is hard - You're expected to be the rock and they depend on you far too much for emotional stroking at all times. And when you are down they don't want to be that rock for you, it's all about them. I would just put this aside and move on. Keep your relationship on social media and not much else for now.
Author Goulash Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 The death of her grandfather is a perfectly understandable family member to be distraught over, especially if he was present in her life growing up. Plenty of people have extremely close relationships with their grandparents and would be beside themselves with grief over their passing. Nothing fake about that and it's insulting and highly insensitive to even suggest otherwise. I certainly agree, as someone whose grandmother was as involved in my upbringing as my mother. I didn't feel the need to specify the relative in my original post, I felt it might be too exposing, but perhaps it might have been helpful. Oh, and I don't know if this is the case, but I didn't ask my friend directly if her grieving was real, although I see how it might have been understood that way. That's just part of what he said when I asked if he knew her (I already knew previously that they were in the same majour)
Author Goulash Posted November 5, 2019 Author Posted November 5, 2019 How about just sending her a sympathy card? Do people even still do that? I'd just tell her you understand if this is a hard time and you can relate and leave her with a way to get in touch with you. Give her condolences and if she wants to get in touch with you she will and if she doesn't she won't. It's not such a huge loss if she won't because it sounds like you'd be taking on someone who's mentally ill. Do you really want to do that? It might seem fine at first....but not so good the more you get to know them. I was thinking about sending her another message a few weeks before the end of the semester, asking if she'd like to do something after it ends. By then, it will have passed at least a month from our last conversation. I don't realistically think she'll be feeling much better by then, but at least that's college as one less stress factor over her back. If she refuses, then I guess it's settled, at least for the forseeable future. On your second point: I agree. Being with a person who is depressed (no matter what the reason) is hard - You're expected to be the rock and they depend on you far too much for emotional stroking at all times. And when you are down they don't want to be that rock for you, it's all about them. That's more or less my experience as well :/. I know a couple in which one of the people has a severe case of depression, and yet they actually appear to be doing really well together! Both of them are really mature and indempendent people, so that's probably the thing. Even they say it's really hard work though. My greatest fear, actually, is for the other person to become too dependent on me, and I end up worsening the situation for her, be it if I screw up somehow, or if we end just breaking up for something else. In other words, making her depression worst because of normal couple issues, which I've seen happening quite a few times.
Recommended Posts