How to stop analyzing after breakup

[Volen_84]

No I didnt as she is not in my contact list anyway and I deleted all the messages. So nothing to block (I don't want to see her number in my phone, even in blocked list). She never wrote back after her last message yesterday and yesterday evening I wrote one last message saying that she thought she could find someone like me, but she was wrong. Whilst she was having fun and sex I was working on myself and I could handle this without rebounds or something similar. I could stand up and get rid of this on my own. She thought she could hurt me but she hurt herself. We could be together if she could safe the relationship and do her best, but she preferred to exchange gold with silver. Its her choice and she needs to live with this. If she has a little respect, she should not write to me anymore and tell she loves me when she was sleeping with someone else. Let this loss be her life lesson. 

That's it. I know I probably wrote her too much but there were so many things inside of me that I wanted to say. Obviously she didn't reply and she won't. Its for good.

I still super regret I allowed her to call me as my world messed up again. I probably need to spend a few weeks to get rid of this. 

Do you think Ive made a mistake writing so much? I don't want her to think that she has powers against me.

Edited March 4, 2020 by Volen_84

[JTSW]

14 minutes ago, Volen_84 said:

Do you think Ive made a mistake writing so much? I

Honestly, I do think you wrote to her too much. 

You played into her hands. 

She goes quiet which makes you message her more.

This was her plan, for you to chase her.

You may have deleted her number but that wont stop her messaging you.

Blocking her WILL.

[Volen_84]

Yes, you're right. But on the other hand I did not say anything that could result her believing I love her. I just told her that it was her loss and I am gone. It should make very clear for her that I won't back, unless she cannot even understand that. 

Yeah, maybe she will feel good by the fact that I was alone all this time whilst she was having fun but if she has ability to analyse, it will tell her that I was so strong that I could handle it myself without having to have rebounds. Honestly, let her think what she wants - I did not insult her, I was kind enough to allow her to talk and I was strong enough to tell her off and explain she lost me forever. I behaved much better than she did, which also speaks about my character, not feelings. If this made her feel better or eased her guild, then it is worse for her, as it shows once again that she is an egoist and s***ty person. All I care is myself now, not what she thinks or does.

However, I am in a bit crap position now - some old feelings and anger came back. But I will get over this, I can, and I will. 

[JTSW]

30 minutes ago, Volen_84 said:

I did not say anything that could result her believing I love her.

 

30 minutes ago, Volen_84 said:

some old feelings and anger came back.

It doesn't matter what you said or didn't say.

You allowed her in to talk. That makes her think you still care.

She wanted those feelings to come to the surface.

Blocking her will get the message across that you're done.

Keeping her unblocked gives her hope.   

Edited March 4, 2020 by JTSW

[Volen_84]

Yes, I will do.

The only thing I am feeling bad about is that I probably told her too much and eased her guilt.

Do you think she will still feel guilty or she is now in better position and I lost my advantage? 

[JTSW]

Just now, Volen_84 said:

Yes, I will do.

The only thing I am feeling bad about is that I probably told her too much and eased her guilt.

Do you think she will still feel guilty or she is now in better position and I lost my advantage? 

Why do you even care what she thinks or feels?

It's done now. Close that chapter and leave it at that.

[Volen_84]

Hi there,

A quick one - so she wrote again now, saying she can't believe that I cannot think about her, that she is now more clever, etc, etc, etc (buls***).

After that I directly asked if she had a rebound and she said "yes".

One again, I cannot believe how selfish people can be - she was having fun and sex with someone and now she wonders how come that I don't even think about her? What a f***!!! 

Now she is f***ed and all alone, exactly as you said, JTSW, and she crawled back to me to find sympathy and support.

I knew that all along, I was right all the time - my gut feeling, my everything. And she was calling me paranoiac! 

What a bitch!

She asked me for a call tomorrow. I agreed only to tell to her face that she is a bitch and I feel no sympathy whatsoever towards that bitch. She lost my and she lost her mother (she is crawling back to her mother too, but her mom said she is not going to accept her back after all she did towards me and her). 

I will just tell her she is a bitch and will hang up the phone. Let her suffer all alone.

The chapter is closed now.

The morale of this - DO NOT ignore RED FLAGS! And DO NOT allow your exes to come back and f*** with your life.

Thank you everyone for all your CORRECT advises!

I will like a s***, but I am finally free of burden. I need some time to go back to normal, it hurts like hell.

I will keep you updated on my progress guys. There will be a day that I will write and tell that I am now completely healed and achieved indifference. 

 

[JTSW]

11 hours ago, Volen_84 said:

so she wrote again

 

11 hours ago, Volen_84 said:

After that I directly asked if she had a rebound and she said "yes".

 

11 hours ago, Volen_84 said:

She asked me for a call tomorrow. I agreed only to tell to her face that she is a bitch and I feel no sympathy whatsoever towards that bitch.

 

11 hours ago, Volen_84 said:

I will just tell her she is a bitch and will hang up the phone.

What are you doing?

Why are you still responding to her?

This is exactly what she wants, can't you see that? 

You are still playing into her hands by responding and agreeing to talk to her.

Don't call her. Don't respond to anymore messages and for god sake BLOCK HER!

[Acacia98]

On 3/3/2020 at 5:55 PM, Volen_84 said:

I probably made a mistake allowing her to contact me.

You made a mistake unblocking her.

You see, the thing is, you still care about what she thinks and feels. And she sounds remarkably self-centered and manipulative. So you are still vulnerable and have no business leaving the door open for her to waltz back into your life.

What you need to do now is block her everywhere. Its the most effective way to take back your power. Having done that, you will be in a position to do something you should have done in the first place.

Remember when you made the original post and were asking how you could get rid of the anger and obsessive thoughts? Well, here's my 2 cents. I think you've been having trouble moving on for 2 main reasons: 1) you are having a hard time understanding why she did what she did because you genuinely don't understand her; 2) you are angry with yourself because you didn't remove yourself from the humiliating, painful situation early enough.

What you need to do now is address those 2 issues. You need to gain insight into who she is and why she behaves the way she does. And you need to understand why you were so vulnerable to her lies and manipulations. You can do both things by hanging out in other discussions here and reading about the experiences of people in similar situations. And you can also do it by reading psychology-themed blogs and other reading materials. That will give you the tools to understand why people are the way they are and do the things they do. It will also allow you to distance yourself from your own experience and view it more objectively.

This is a process that will take time, though. And it requires your commitment and focus. So you really need to do away with distractions like communicating with her. Block her everywhere. And stop talking to her mother.

[Redhead14]

The couples who say the honeymoon period never ended, are the couples who were being themselves from the very beginning. 

[Silver_star]

The damage is done. 
You made a mistake in allowing her back into your life when it was clear that things were not right and she was not being honest.
All talking to her did was give you more hurt to hold on to. Who cares how she feels about any of this. Don't ask for more info. Dont try to exact revenge by hurting her, it won't work. The only thing you can do that will help you is letting it go. 

 

[JTSW]

12 hours ago, Silver_star said:

Dont try to exact revenge by hurting her, it won't work.

I agree with this. 

The more you try to hurt her the worse you will feel in the end.

[2BGoodAgain]

i once told my cousin that the time spent hating her ex was the same as spending time thinking/loving her ex... 

whether you pine about her afterwards or hate her and wanting her to suffer, are two sides of the same coin... you're still wasting time on her.

one indication that you've truly moved on, like you said... is to just move on... NC, excise that person from your life.

 

highly suggest you just cut off all contact. better for you, and also, as justified as your anger is... you need to move on... i think you just "forgot" the anger... i don't know if you've really released it.

Good luck to you.

[Volen_84]

Hi All,

Thank you so much for all valuable advise.

All your words does make sense and I absolutely agree with all of you, I can't argue or add more, I totally agree with every single word said here.

The more anger I will express now, the more I will regret in future, that's a golden rule, no matter who was right or wrong, we all are humans at the end.

I already feel guilty, as a person, not as ex. for allowing my anger and revenge to come out  - I am not that kind of human being, I am stronger than that. 

On the other hand, I had so much anger inside of me about everything, I just needed to release it and express myself. I will try to forgive myself for that weakness. 

She tried to initiate conversation yesterday, and, the way that nothing really happened. Moreover, she directly told me to fly back to her country to see her and discuss. I obviously, declined and wrote to her once again that not only she lost my love, she also lost my respect as a person not because she was with someone after she ended things like that, but because she is now telling me that she loves me and demands love, but was having sex and fun with someone else when she wanted that. The only reason she now turned back to me because that person left her and she is now alone. When she was feeling good and having sex, she couldn't care less about love she is now talking about, there was no love, just selfishness. That's dirty, that's cheap and that's disgusting.  I told her one again that she lost me forever and I no longer feel anything towards her and she is now suffering because of her own actions, no one else to blame, it was her game and her decision, no way back. I then told her to never write to me again if she has any sense of self respect and blocked her for good.

I am absolutely confident that she has no sense of love whatsoever. She just had a rebound and when it failed, she turned back to me as a backup option and tried to hook me up again using love, our stories, etc to put me back to the trap. That's definitely obvious, no doubts here. 

What's done it's done and I am happy the way its ended. I am now grateful to her that she ended things like that, thanks god I did not marry that women. I am not a perfect person at any degree and did many things wrong myself, but my heart is clean, I never cheated, never lied and never tried to have a rebound, I was suffering alone and getting out of this crap alone. What's more important, I never tried to have her as a backup option.

Thank you for all your advised, guys. All you answers made sense. I am very, very grateful to all of you.

Edited March 6, 2020 by Volen_84

[Volen_84]

So I blocked her as I said in my post above (I don't have her number or anything like that), she now wrote me from other place and sending reminders of our old memories - songs, places, messages and wants to meet. I never replied and blocked her there as well.

I cannot understand how selfish and cheap she can be as a person to send reminders now in a hope to awaken my feelings and suck me back. She is sending a text message that I wrote for both of us years ago, that says that each of us should think before doing wrong things, as some actions cannot be undone.

When she was having fun with someone, she never thought about that reminders and was just enjoying her life. How selfish she can be to send me that reminders now, after she f***ed up everything herself?

Now, when she is all alone, she is trying to suck me back. It is super cheap, disgusting and disrespectful. 

The one thing I now understand for sure that blocking is the best ever strategy. No matter how much anger I have, the more I waste my time trying to talk with her and expressing my disappointment and anger, the more I am awakening old memories and hurting myself and it leads nowhere as my anger becomes even stronger and she doesn't even have regrets about her actions. It only damages me at the end and leads nowhere.

Honestly, the more I read about narcissistic people, the more I realise that she is probably one, even though I am not a doctor myself at any degree and cannot diagnose anyone.

Relationships aside,  the one thing I always hated in people is dual standards, when one person does whatever they want, then never accepts nor works on their mistakes, blames the others in everything and demands the opposite from the other person. Its one of the s***tiest qualities one can have. She is exactly like that and I don't respect her for that.

Edited March 7, 2020 by Volen_84

[Volen_84]

So today she called again from another number! Asking me hows my parents and me, is everything ok because of outbreak. I told her that neither I nor my relatives are her problem to think and suggested she calls to people she cares. She said she is calling to everyone to ask, I told her again I am not her business anymore and advised I am trying to sort out my private life and date a person and the least thing I want is her texting or calling me as I don't want someone from my past to mess up with my future. I hung the phone after that.

Guys, why she keeps contacting me? Is she trying to suck me back or play friends game? Guilt? Regret? Or something else? I want to understand why she keeps contacting me? Every time she contacts me it makes me super angry as I immediately recall all the bad things she did to me. She already messed up with my healing progress making me remember her every day and getting angry. What she wants from me?

[JTSW]

From now on don't answer any numbers you don't recognise. 

If you have to answer, just hang up the second you hear her voice and block that number. 

You shouldn't have talked to her at all. 

[Marc878]

You’re back in the mess because you didn’t hold NC.

Big mistake.

NC is totally up to you not her.

Now you’re hanging on every word trying to analyze it all.

For what? She is who she is and that won’t change

Edited March 19, 2020 by Marc878

[Supernova11]

Your question is how to stop analysing after a breakup. It essentially boils down to two things.

1) instigate no contact

2) start self focus

If you watch the mouth of the ape channel on youtube, he goes into a lot of detail about both.  You’re doing great.

[Volen_84]

Hi All,

I hope you all are safe and healthy. 

I wanted to update this post to let you know about my progress. It can be useful for other people too, who recently split.

So, it's been 9 months since we split.

How do I feel now? - a WAY, WAY better. Time did its trick and I am no longer obsessed with any thoughts nor do I look for any answers. Its all in the past now, I have no desire to know anything and it doesn't bother me anymore. I no longer feel pain, no longer want to "fix" broken things. And, yes, I am now happy the things ended and that I never married that woman. I still have a short way to go, but can certainly see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Do I still think about her? - yes, quite often.  BUT, I am not thinking in the way that "oh, I miss you, our old good days, I want to get you back". No. I just think about all bad things she did and that she lost something bigger than a relationship - she lost my respect as a human being. And she lost me forever.

We have a common mate. He called me the other day and was looking for support, as he divorced recently and is suffering. When we were talking he mentioned about her and said that she is still with her rebound, BUT she is super unhappy with the relationship and is constantly complaining about her rebound on his back. In fact, her rebound is a married man haha Then he started to describe the things she is constantly complaining about her current relationship and I realised that she never changed, just carried all her problems from old relationship to new, without doing anything to improve herself. As usual - only complaining, manipulating and demanding and giving nothing in exchange. And I once again realised that she was never the person she was describing she is. And I felt kinda sorry for her rebound even though he is a married man so doesn't probably take their relationship seriously.  This is the result of rebound relationship - wrong decisions with wrong people. That are always doomed to fail. 

I now understand why she tried to contact me a few months ago and recently  - to test the waters and keep me as a backup plan as she was clearly not happy with her rebound. I am super thankful to all of you for supporting me and pointing to the right direction! 

Yes, she was the dumper, she was having fun at the beginning. She was laughing when I was crying. She though she could find someone like me easily, but was wrong. Instead of going through natural stages of grief and working on herself, she proffered to use a shortcut (rebound) to avoid her suffering. BUT, not for long. Life did its justice - now she is suffering and unhappy in her relationship, and I am free from her forever. I consider this a victory for myself. Being a dumpee is super hard at the beginning, but we almost always win at the end as we were not the ones who did the wrong thing and the dumpers realise they cannot find someone like us.   

The mate was shocked when he noticed I am completely indifferent to the fact she is still with her rebound. I didn't even ask about their relationship, etc. He said he is super jealous to me as he is suffering from his divorce (his wife cheated on him). 

After that conversation I once again realised that she is just what she is and she will never change. It was my illusion thinking she is something special. She is not. I now truly see that there was nothing I could do and it was not my fault. Thanks god I did not marry her. That would be the biggest mistake of my life!

I hope this will be helpful to anyone who is currently going through stages of grief. 

I will update you guys again after some time, once I will completely stop thinking about her and will be completely healed. I am 90% there, just a little left!

[Acacia98]

I'm glad you made this progress and hope you're continuing to maintain NC and to heal. Time really does change things, doesn't it?