Author Volen_84 Posted December 29, 2019 Author Posted December 29, 2019 Thanks for all your help, guys! I will go ahead and keep NC. I must admit, I realised that I still have a long way ahead after her message. A single message made me think of her again. I *might* consider getting back with her but ONLY if she will be genuinely sorry, will tell all the truth and genuinely work on relationship and herself which, I think, will never happen. I have enough examples within our 5.5 years' of relationship when she was saying "sorry" like she did yesterday but doing the same thing again and again. I don't believe her apology is genuine. I am really tempted to talk with her but I will agree that I will need to keep silence for now. If she is genuinely sorry, she will definitely contact me again and will make it clear she wants to get back with me. Somehow, I feel bad by not replying and wishing her happy new year as she did, but I need to be strong. At the end of the day, she was the one who told me to stay away from her, so I am doing what she wanted! 1
Author Volen_84 Posted December 30, 2019 Author Posted December 30, 2019 Guys, I was thinking about this lately. I really want to understand what is behind her message. I am still fine without reply, but also thinking what if I write something like "Apology is something that is earned by actions not by words. Hope you will have a happy new year too". Do you think its worth it or should I still maintain silence? Will a message like this break my advantage? Thanks.
2BGoodAgain Posted December 30, 2019 Posted December 30, 2019 blocking her is fine. completely remove her from your life, which appears to be what you've done. But as to how to remove her from your mind?... there really is no sure way. Like most things, the BEST way is to grow larger than whatever is occupying your mind... during those vulnerable, random, waking moments... over time, it'll fade... but you have to choose it. Every day, anytime, thoughts of her enter your mind. I realize it's just thoughts of wanting the truth, but that can be deceptive too. Your mind will come up with very logical reasons why you are thinking about her, but it doesn't really matter. Like many above, it doesn't matter what the lies are or what the truth is... b/c they're both the same thing... you care about her. Not necessarily love or like, but you care about whatever it is she is. Not caring about her, will allow you to let go of any lingering curiosity about her... the truth from the lies... it won't matter, b/c she won't matter. Right now, even though logically, you know what she is... emotionally, chemically, you're weaning yourself off of her. It'll take time and your choice to keep doing so. Keep doing what you're doing. When you mind wanders to her, don't entertain any fantasies or thoughts... think about something else. Until everything about her becomes less and your current life, friends, family is bigger. That's the only way you can move on from this. Variations, sure. Everyone is different, but that's basically it. whether positive or negative, stop all thoughts on her. Contemplate it enough to understand the relationship, and what it was, and what it wasn't, and why it can't continue to exist in your life, and learn from it... your mind, your heart, your soul... then put it all into a box, and move on. it'll take time and your personal choices, but over time, it will fade... until even the sight of her, won't phase you one direction or the other... be more than the relationship. 1
alterest Posted December 30, 2019 Posted December 30, 2019 1 hour ago, Volen_84 said: Guys, I was thinking about this lately. I really want to understand what is behind her message. I am still fine without reply, but also thinking what if I write something like "Apology is something that is earned by actions not by words. Hope you will have a happy new year too". Do you think its worth it or should I still maintain silence? Will a message like this break my advantage? Thanks. It's hard, but don't waste your energy trying to figure out what the message means. Leave it be. If she wants something from you, she will let you know in the future. But everything you elaborate in your mind trying to understand her, it's only your conclusion, not the truth. The truth is with her only, and I doubt she will let you know anything. Leave it be and move on. It's your best and only choice. If you waste your time thinking about it, you will develop some kind of anxiety. Don't do it to yourself.
scooby-philly Posted December 30, 2019 Posted December 30, 2019 @Volen_84 DUDE - CALM THE HELL DOWN! Look - if people are SERIOUS about their mistakes and genuinely changed - if she knows where you live she could have shown up or written you a letter. You unblocked her after two months so there could be a variety of reasons for her reaching out - none of which are good! From what you described you don't need this woman, you didn't get anything out of this relationship, and overall you deserve better and she deserves the time and space to try and work on herself as much as you do. 1
Author Volen_84 Posted December 30, 2019 Author Posted December 30, 2019 Thank you so much guys for your replies - it makes my mind clearer! You know how it works - as I am still in recovery process, even when my mind and logic say I need to ignore her, my heart still hurts and I have a small hope that maybe she changed this time, maybe she didn't do anything serious (I mean, cheating), and maybe she just doesn't want to tell me directly that she wants to come back (pride?) but rather is checking if I still have feelings towards her first. However, I still accept that I will never know the truth and even if she didn't do anything serious enough, I will still be in doubts as I won't trust her after her lies. Not sure how hard she should work to fade away my doubts after her multiple lies. Also, from my previous experience, she never changed when she was saying generic sorries, so chances are very good that she won't change now. Yes, I don't need her in the way she was before, but if she never cheated and will genuinely work on herself, I am happy to give it another chance and work on myself too to make it work. It leaves me with one choice then - ignore her message and carry on. If she wants me to give her another chance, she will tell me directly. Or call me instead of messaging. Its so pity that a single message can mess up all the recovery process and open wounds again, even though I feel I have an upper hand at the moment!
Piddy Posted December 31, 2019 Posted December 31, 2019 (edited) Unfortunately you're probably never going to know if she ever cheated, unless she tells you. But, with her flirting the way you described it she certainly had the opportunity to cheat. An overly flirtatious woman will get many opportunities to cheat. Guys will assume she's coming onto them and hit on her. Then it's up to her to decide whether to cheat or not. Some women are just a tease and won't cheat, but others won't refuse temptation. If you ever do reconcile the flirting has to end. Edited December 31, 2019 by Piddy
elaine567 Posted December 31, 2019 Posted December 31, 2019 Stay away from flirty people. Flirting is one of the main personality traits associated with cheating. Many like to say flirting is harmless but it tends not to be, flirty people will cheat as their boundaries are weak. 2
scooby-philly Posted December 31, 2019 Posted December 31, 2019 3 hours ago, Volen_84 said: Thank you so much guys for your replies - it makes my mind clearer! You know how it works - as I am still in recovery process, even when my mind and logic say I need to ignore her, my heart still hurts and I have a small hope that maybe she changed this time, maybe she didn't do anything serious (I mean, cheating), and maybe she just doesn't want to tell me directly that she wants to come back (pride?) but rather is checking if I still have feelings towards her first. However, I still accept that I will never know the truth and even if she didn't do anything serious enough, I will still be in doubts as I won't trust her after her lies. Not sure how hard she should work to fade away my doubts after her multiple lies. Also, from my previous experience, she never changed when she was saying generic sorries, so chances are very good that she won't change now. Yes, I don't need her in the way she was before, but if she never cheated and will genuinely work on herself, I am happy to give it another chance and work on myself too to make it work. It leaves me with one choice then - ignore her message and carry on. If she wants me to give her another chance, she will tell me directly. Or call me instead of messaging. Its so pity that a single message can mess up all the recovery process and open wounds again, even though I feel I have an upper hand at the moment! I think part of your healing process is to stop thinking she will ever really apologize. I know a few people have pointed out to me that as part of my recovery from a recent split I needed to stop thinking about what would happen to her - good or bad. People wouldn't let someone they love go in the first place, so the fact that she didn't want to change is proof that her personality is not at a point where she wants you more than she wants to stay the way she is. 1
preraph Posted December 31, 2019 Posted December 31, 2019 (edited) I think that happens a lot in long distance relationships. I think when something doesn't work out the best thing you can do is accept that you were in love with who you hoped that person would be, and realize that if they really were who you hoped they'd be they would have loved you back. So it just wasn't the right one. Edited December 31, 2019 by preraph 1
Author Volen_84 Posted December 31, 2019 Author Posted December 31, 2019 Thank you, everyone, so much! Your comments do make sense. Yes, on long distance we always draw a picture of an ideal person of our dreams and don't see all the negatives. Also, all meetings are carefully planned in advance so we simply don't see the reality as it is. I myself can confirm that as someone who went through it. I wish you guys a very happy New Year and a quick recovery to everyone who is in their healing process! I will keep you updated if something else happens but I hope my next update will be about me being completely recovered and indifferent towards my past. 1
Battlescarred Posted December 31, 2019 Posted December 31, 2019 (edited) @Volen_84 I read your thread with intrest and feel that I can relate to your situation. Don't know if my experience will help in any way however...... About 2 years ago my partner told me he wanted to end the relationship when we were on our way to the travel agents to book my dream holiday. We had been together almost 7 years by then. Over those 7 years we had been on and off and he did flirt with a number of women. In fact, once when we were on a break he had a brief relationship. I know he didn't cheat when we were together although it never took him long to try once we broke up. I was devistated, I knew we had problems but thought we were working through them. I stayed with him at the time and in a matter of two weeks he got himself a new girlfriend. The morning I left with only a couple of bags was when he stayed out until 3am in the morning with this girl....I moved in with one of my friend and was devistated - I had so many unanswered questions and went between sadness and intense anger towards him. I obsessed and although I maintained NC I stalked him all the time - my biggest thing was I didn't understand why he wasn't as upset as me, it drove me crazy as I just wanted him to feel like I did...I thought it wasn't fair ....anyway I did a ton of reading and started the STH online program which helped. I stared to feel better and then a bout 2 months after the split he sent me a message out of the blue similar to your ex. I was elated and felt like I had the upper hand, he said he was hurting and I took great delight. I did reply as although I said I didn't care I really did - two months later we were back together and I had to guide him through what I can only describe as a total mental meltdown - during this time I felt powerful as he needed me so much and I could be the strong one, the one who had survived without giving in....that was two years ago and although our relationship worked for a while, I now find myself single again. This time I feel stronger and not as devistated as the last time (circumstances are a bit different - it is a somewhat mutual parti g of ways with no other party involved). Anyway, sorry for the long post but my point is I understand how you feel but when the superiority wears off you will fall back into the same routine and believe me you will come to resent the fact that you allowed it to happen and be manipulated again. I can only advise that you maintain NC and try your hardest to move forward, the answers don't really matter and neither does the feeling of superiority - its only temporary. Good luck whatever you decide to do! Edited December 31, 2019 by Battlescarred Typo 1
jolehno Posted January 1, 2020 Posted January 1, 2020 Look for narcissism, she certainly look like one. Thank God you didn't marry this woman. 1
Author Volen_84 Posted January 3, 2020 Author Posted January 3, 2020 (edited) On 12/31/2019 at 10:23 AM, Battlescarred said: @Volen_84 I read your thread with intrest and feel that I can relate to your situation. Don't know if my experience will help in any way however...... About 2 years ago my partner told me he wanted to end the relationship when we were on our way to the travel agents to book my dream holiday. We had been together almost 7 years by then. Over those 7 years we had been on and off and he did flirt with a number of women. In fact, once when we were on a break he had a brief relationship. I know he didn't cheat when we were together although it never took him long to try once we broke up........ Thanks a lot for your post and sorry for a late reply. Your post does make sense and, yes, you are right - a broken cup will not be the same no matter how much you glue it. To be honest, I was leaning towards NC from the very beginning but wanted second opinion and reassurance that I have got from different people here. We should not be fooled by illusion, sometimes the best action is ignoring and moving on. I feel that I am getting stronger every day and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Edited January 3, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 1
Author Volen_84 Posted January 3, 2020 Author Posted January 3, 2020 On 1/1/2020 at 11:04 PM, jolehno said: Look for narcissism, she certainly look like one. Thank God you didn't marry this woman. Thanks, to be honest, I was doing a LOT of research and readings about relationships after our breakup and also noticed that she has loads of similarities with narcisstic people. I also noticed that there were so many things about relationship I wish I could read earlier. Obviously, diagnosing the ex is not the best idea, especially, when I am not a medical professional but the symptoms are definitely matching and this is another red flag to watch out for. 1
JTSW Posted January 3, 2020 Posted January 3, 2020 Hi Volen, I think deep down you do know the truth. Her complete evasiveness and defensiveness made it clear that she was cheating with that guy. I don't think you should waste your time analyzing everything because she is certainly not worth it. Close that chapter of your life and put it behind you. Begin fresh. 1
Author Volen_84 Posted January 8, 2020 Author Posted January 8, 2020 (edited) Hi guys, Hope you all doing well. A quick update: I never checked her profile and never attempted to contact. However, I received a missed call from her 5 minutes ago on Viber. I did not reply and didn't do anything, juts received a notification of a missed call. I dont think she was holding the call, she probably just called and hung the phone. Or, maybe, she just accidentally called me and then stopped straight away, who knows? So..... what do you think I should do now? Obviously, I am not going to call or write her. But.. should I pick up the call? And what you guys recommend me to answer? Thanks! Edited January 8, 2020 by Volen_84
JTSW Posted January 8, 2020 Posted January 8, 2020 No don't answer. Just ignore it or block if you can x
Author Volen_84 Posted January 14, 2020 Author Posted January 14, 2020 Hi guys, A small update and intro: her mother moved abroad a few years ago and I had and still have excellent relationship with her mother. When we split, her mother supported me, saying that her daughter is wrong (she lied to her mother too about the same guy, was ignoring her mother, etc) but she simply blocked her mother the same way she did to me and completely wiped her mother out of her life without any explanation or remorse. She has 2 kids, so she even turned her kids against their own grandmother, telling lies to them. In the way that kids even didn't message to their grandmother to say happy Christmas. So they never talked since we split. I was talking with her mother today (we have great relationship and talk to each other once in a while) and she mentioned during the conversation that her daughter sent her a brief message before Christmas and was very upset saying that that it was just a fake and cold message, like she was messaging just to a stranger not her mother. And that she felt zero remorse in her message. She sent me that message and .... it was the EXACT message my ex messaged to me before Christmas (see my posts above)! So my ex simply copied the same message and sent to me and her mother which proofs that she had zero remorse and, obviously, never understood her mistakes and messaged just to make her own guilt easier and celebrate new year without guilt. To be honest, this completely destroyed her in my eyes. All is fake, man. Thank you so much guys that you advised me not to reply to her - my reply could potentially draw me back to step 1 of recovery process and allow her to get her old good powers back! A lifetime lesson - do not ignore red flags!
Author Volen_84 Posted March 3, 2020 Author Posted March 3, 2020 Hi Guys, To keep my story full, an update on this. So I was doing really well, living without her and enjoying my life. With time, the pain and memories faded away. However, she sent me a postcard a few days ago via social media. The postcard was saying "I am asking for forgiveness this Sunday" (the country she lives in has funny forgiving days aka celebrations). I, obviously, never replied. Then, she sent me a message yesterday asking if she can talk with me. I was about to ignore that too, but decided to give her a chance. So she called and started to cry, saying "forgive me". On my question what exactly she wants me to forgive, she did not provide any specific reason. She was saying that she keeps remembering our times together and all the good thing I did for her and that she doesn't want to finish things like enemies. I told her that for her to be my enemy I need to at least think about her and I don't. She said "let's be friends" I told her that I have many good friends and am not interested in friendship. She started to cry saying "how, I am not even your friend, I am no one?". Then she started to tell buls*** like "when we were together I never slept with anyone" and I replied saying that cheating is not about sleeping only - meeting with people on my back, flirting, dating and hiding all that from me was a cheating on its own. She then said she remembers things we were together and I told her that I don't remember that days anymore and even if I try to remember, it brings me nothing but disappointment. She started to play victim card. From all her behaviour, it was pretty clear that she feels super guilty and super sorry that she ended up things with me and she wanted someone ease her guilt. She know she did many wrong things and is now killing herself because of that. After we hanged up the phone she messaged to me saying something like "if one can stop force themselves to love, they cannot love". I replied saying that the only person she ever loved was herself and her wishes. Then I asked her, was it cool that she was flirting with guys and sleeping, did they replace me? She said "no, no one can replace anyone" then started to tell me that it is impossible that I forgot about her, that I still have feelings, that I am lying that I don't feel anything towards her. Then she said she is still crying when she hears our song. And I replied "ah ok, so when you had sex with other guys, how come you didn't think about that song?". She then said that I will never feel the pain she felt. And I wrote her a pretty long message, saying that I do not think about her, I do not cry when I listen to that song, moreover - I was singing that song some time ago (that's true). I said to her that she replaced the relationship she once had for random strangers, she thought the grass is greener on the other side, she though she will find someone like me but now she knows that she will never will. I told her that I had a great respect, trust and love towards her but she broke all my expectations and appeared to be an exact opposite. I said that I no longer respect her and that I am very happy without her. I then asked, so, you thought other are great, you've met them ,you slept with them - was it that good? Did you feel better? She replied "the same as you". Today, in the morning, she wrote again, saying "I know you are not interested, but I didn't have anyone when we were together" and then "yes, I was talking with guys like a friend but I never thought a guy who is sure in himself will never jealous" . Haha, so, according her, a guy should be ok with his girfriend going to clubs, meeting with guys, flirting with them on his back and lying about them and hiding them from him? So this is pretty much normal, yes? :) Wow, if this is the case then yes, I am a guy who is not sure in himself :) :) She then added "I didn't have anyone whilst we were together" and then "You cannot restrict me from loving you, respecting you and wishing good to you. I was breathing by you, I was living by you". I added that she was an ordinary liar and egoist, nothing else.When she wanted to do something, she never thought of our relationship. And I will remember her like that. How dare she tell me that she still loves me when she had a sex with someone else during this time? (it is pretty much obvious from her texts, that she did that). Is this her love? :) I also told her that she just thought the grass is greener, then she realised she will never find anyone like me and now she is crawling back with regrets, but it is too late, she cannot change the past. She did not reply yet, but I am not going to ease of her guilt. Such a bitch she is - after all things, all insults, all s***ty behaviour she is now talking about love? When she was having sex with someone during this time, was she remembering about that love? Such a cheap bulls***! I believe, she just had a rebound that failed and she now crawled back trying to bring me back. Any thoughts on this guys? And what should I do next? I DON'T want her in my life, period, but I want her to suffer and don't want to ease her guilt. What is the best strategy for that?
JTSW Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 44 minutes ago, Volen_84 said: what should I do next? I DON'T want her in my life, period, but I want her to suffer and don't want to ease her guilt. What is the best strategy for that? Block her so she can't contact you again. She will hate that and it will hurt. Super proud of how you handled her Volen_84
Author Volen_84 Posted March 3, 2020 Author Posted March 3, 2020 (edited) She wrote and said "everyone has their own feeling of love" and "everyone is saying me just always remember bad things about him" and then "let's just be friends, you have your life I have my life". I replied to her that I do not need her as a friend or as someone else and that if person can love someone and sleep with someone else, that person has no morale and no values for me. I then said that I no longer want her to write to me and that I already spend a lot of time chatting with her and was kind enough to allow her to call and chat to me whilst she blocked me back in the days when I was so crawling for a chat. She replied in her typical victim manner "so many insults. No one could tolerate this! I am now super happy and letting you go". It is obvious that she now regrets her decision and that she just wanted to take me back - I don't believe she wants me as a friend, because she already said that no one can restrict her for loving me. I deeply believe she had a rebound which failed. But one fact pisses me off, that after all this s*** she did, she was still playing a victim and making things that she was all correct and didn't do anything wrong. Really? I can't understand how selfish people can be! Thanks god I never married that woman. What do you think her intentions were? Do you think she now really let me go or it was just something to tell me? What do you think? Edited March 3, 2020 by Volen_84
JTSW Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 1 minute ago, Volen_84 said: It is obvious that she now regrets her decision and that she just wanted to take me back Nah, she doesn't regret any of her actions. She's too cold to care. 1 minute ago, Volen_84 said: What do you think her intentions were? It's obvious what happened. She has found herself alone because everyone got fed up of her crap. So she tried to latch on to you again. Block her once and for all and it'll be done with for good.
Author Volen_84 Posted March 3, 2020 Author Posted March 3, 2020 The bad thing is that this definitely dropped some of my progress, loads of old pain came back. I hope this will go away soon. I probably made a mistake allowing her to contact me.
JTSW Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 17 hours ago, Volen_84 said: The bad thing is that this definitely dropped some of my progress, loads of old pain came back. I hope this will go away soon. I probably made a mistake allowing her to contact me. I agree, you have ignored and blocked like many suggested. Have you blocked her now?
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