How to stop analyzing after breakup

[Volen_84]

Hi Guys,

 

Long story very short - I was in a LDR for the last 5.5 years. It started like a dream with me being her world, idol and god, and her true love (I cite her words).

 

However, she then revealed her true face little by little and appeared be an EXACT opposite person she was telling me she is during "honeymoon" period - LOADs of double standards, selfishness, abusive and manipulative behaviour, never admitting mistakes or working on herself to fix things, constantly comparing me with others and blaming me in everything. She was an evil and selfish woman, always doing what she wants without thinking about our relationship. She was only thinking about herself, her ego and satisfaction. She was always demanding from me but never giving back the same.

 

I was tolerating all this because I thought it is because of distance and will be fixed once we will marry. I was always trusting her that she is loyal as she was always telling me that she hates liars and cheaters and prefers to tell everything directly.

 

She was always creating an image of "self-respecting girl" who "knows her limits" and "will never lie or cheat as it is cheap". She was the one how was condemning other people when they were cheating or lying.

 

However, I caught her telling constant lies about "a guy friend" that she apparently met in a night club and was then chatting and meeting with him. She was hiding it from me for 2.5 years and had contact with that guy for that 2,5 years. She lied to me even after confrontation and bringing facts, telling different things that do not talk to each other logically. Obviously, she said "it just a friend" but refused to provide any details or answer to my questions, blaming me and telling me that I am a paranoid. She provided only very few answers that were contradicting with each other. She continued to lie about that person even after confrontation, telling me they meet not in club but he came to her salon with his wife, which was also a lie. I told her I will understand and forgive, just need the truth to understand where we are and how to fix things. She refused to provide any details, only lied and provided very few and contradictory answers.

 

She also lied to me about other guys too, with whom I caught her flirting constantly. She was hiding the fact she has a boyfriend from all that people and was flirting all around, meeting new guys in clubs and other places, and giving them her phone number - on the same time, hiding all this from me and creating an image of "honest" and "self-respecting" girl who "doesn't have time to chat with anyone". She was flirting with all that guys even when they were clearly messaging her intimate things like "my d*** is standing on you". She was constantly deleting all her phone calls and messages before our meetings and was SUPER nervous when I was taking her phone, occurring me of being paranoid. She was even sleeping with her phone in her hands and could wake up immediately when I was moving in the bed.

 

She never provided any satisfactory explanations and then dumped me when I asked her nicely that she lost my trust after all the lies but she can recover it by telling me the truth and allowing us together to work on it to get out of this. It was a cold dump, over chat, not even in person or on the phone. She just abused me, called me a paranoid again and blocked me completely. I blocked her too as my patience finally ended and I couldn't tolerate abuse and lies anymore.

 

So it all ended up with her lying to me and never telling the truth.

 

It is already a month that I am in total NC. I am doing really well with NC - I have absolutely no temptation to check her social media or know about her. I am trying to not think about her life or whereabouts. It's hard, but I am doing it.

 

I know she is a liar and a cheater, I know she has double standards, I know I DON'T WANT her in my life, period. I know I dodged a bullet and deserve better.

 

But my problem is that I constantly recall all her lies and getting SUPER ANGRY as I never got the truth and the answers to all of my questions. I am constantly trying to find the answers to my questions.

 

I constantly tell myself "how could I be so blind to not see all these red flags", "how could I be so naive believing her dirty, obvious lies", "who I did not confront her further using another method to get the truth and just believed her when I knew she is lying", "why I ignored my gut feelings from the very beginning".

 

I constantly recall all her lies about different guys and events, and getting super angry on why I did not question her further when I had a chance? How could I be so blind and not question her further during our meetings? I could at least get some answers and truth!

 

I torture myself because I never got the truth from her and had no closure whatsever. If only I could know the truth and get answers to my questions, I could "rest in peace" but as she left me without providing any information on anything, I am in the loop of constantly recalling all her lies and creating different answers in my mind. This makes me crazy as I want to know the truth and the answers.

 

All that questions are haunting me and I don't know how to get rid of them.

 

How can I let it go guys? I know a closure is a myth and everyone has their own closure but don't know how to stop thinking about her lies, re-analysing the same things over and over again and providing possible answers to myself?

 

Any advise on this? Thanks.

Edited November 1, 2019 by Volen_84

[ExpatInItaly]

I torture myself because I never got the truth from her and had no closure whatsever. If only I could know the truth and get answers to my questions, I could "rest in peace"

 

I hear what you are saying, but it is very unlikely that you would put your mind at ease upon hearing the complete truth. Quite the opposite, actually. If you really knew all the facts, it is far more probable that you would become even more upset and angry and torment yourself with the painful details.

 

So, what you need to do first is stop telling yourself that the whole and unvarnished truth from her would somehow benefit your healing. You also need to realize that she won't ever tell you the truth. She wasn't honest for a long time, and she sure won't start now.

 

Instead, concentrate on accepting that she is not the girl you hoped she was, and that you can trust your instincts when something doesn't seem right. You seem to have realized quite a while ago that she was not being transparent or honorable. Listen to your gut next time, and don't overlook big red flags just to sell yourself a fairy-tale future with the wrong person. It's a tough but critical life lesson.

[Volen_84]

I hear what you are saying, but it is very unlikely that you would put your mind at ease upon hearing the complete truth. Quite the opposite, actually. If you really knew all the facts, it is far more probable that you would become even more upset and angry and torment yourself with the painful details.

 

So, what you need to do first is stop telling yourself that the whole and unvarnished truth from her would somehow benefit your healing. You also need to realize that she won't ever tell you the truth. She wasn't honest for a long time, and she sure won't start now.

 

Instead, concentrate on accepting that she is not the girl you hoped she was, and that you can trust your instincts when something doesn't seem right. You seem to have realized quite a while ago that she was not being transparent or honorable. Listen to your gut next time, and don't overlook big red flags just to sell yourself a fairy-tale future with the wrong person. It's a tough but critical life lesson.

 

Hi ExpatInItaly,

 

Thanks a lot for your reply.

 

Yes, I does make complete sense. I had SUPER STRONG gut feeling all the time, but somehow was ignoring it as she was constantly dodging and telling lies. It's true that you are blind when you are in love. Gut feeling is NEVER wrong.

 

I also totally accept that there is no way for me to know the truth - she will NEVER tell the truth and there is no way for me knowing it. I also accept that all the facts clearly indicate that she was dishonest and cheating.

 

I just don't know how to get rid of all that obsessive thoughts and let the anger go. I am angry at her, I am angry at myself even though I totally understand and accept I was blind and she is not clearly the person I hoped she is.

 

I tried therapy and hypnotherapy but not much progress yet.

Edited November 1, 2019 by Volen_84

[preraph]

It's never easy and always complicated, but your goal should be to stop caring what she is doing, what she is thinking, and who she is having sex with. You can't do that as long as you are seeing her social media or she can see yours (you'll put stuff to try to get a reaction), so you need to wrap that up and block her.

[Volen_84]

It's never easy and always complicated, but your goal should be to stop caring what she is doing, what she is thinking, and who she is having sex with. You can't do that as long as you are seeing her social media or she can see yours (you'll put stuff to try to get a reaction), so you need to wrap that up and block her.

 

Thanks a lot!

 

I blocked her already since breakup and am in complete NC.

 

But funny thing is that I am not bothering what she is doing now, but rather I am bothering what she was doing during our relationship and how could she lie and what exactly she lied to me. Kinda funny, I know, but that obsessive thoughts don't get away.

[BC1980]

It's normal to continue to analyze a relationship after it's demise. It's part of moving on and putting it to bed. You can't control when she pops into your head either. There are a few things you can do to help. One is to force yourself to think about something else when she comes to mind. You have to actively do that. The other thing is good old time and distance. Eventually, the relationship starts to become uninteresting. In your situation, it hasn't been a very long time, so you'll have to rely on simply forcing yourself to think about something else for the time being.

[Volen_84]

It's normal to continue to analyze a relationship after it's demise. It's part of moving on and putting it to bed. You can't control when she pops into your head either. There are a few things you can do to help. One is to force yourself to think about something else when she comes to mind. You have to actively do that. The other thing is good old time and distance. Eventually, the relationship starts to become uninteresting. In your situation, it hasn't been a very long time, so you'll have to rely on simply forcing yourself to think about something else for the time being.

 

Thanks a lot, will try to do that!

 

Its just very hard as I literally isolated myself from the world and was concentrating on her in all these years. And just got cheated and dumped.

 

The morale of the story - NEVER ignore red flags and trust your guts!

 

I am dreaming about the day I will wake up and feel nothing towards her - no anger, no love, nothing like I never had any relationship with her. I know that day will come eventually, I just need to somehow distract myself from that thoughts.

[preraph]

No, that's good. Of course you're still worrying about that. But once you realize you can't make sense of it, you'll just have to put it on the back burner. Anytime you think of anything good about her that you miss, make yourself think of two bad things about her. It does help.

[d0nnivain]

Closure comes from within. It doesn't come from her. Stop thinking that you didn't get something.

 

As for the Qs about how you could be so blind . . . it's a learning experience. Now that this has happened to you, in the future you will know to be a bit more skeptical. You thought you could believe her. You didn't know that somebody who tells you early on that you are "their world, their god or their idol" has no idea what a real relationship is or how to maintain it. Now you know that that kinds of words indicate that the person has their head in the clouds & doesn't have a clue so you walk away much earlier.

 

It's not about what you missed then. It's about what you learned & how you will be better in your next, hopefully not long distance, relationship. You have learned not to ignore red flags & to trust your gut.

[Volen_84]

Closure comes from within. It doesn't come from her. Stop thinking that you didn't get something.

 

As for the Qs about how you could be so blind . . . it's a learning experience. Now that this has happened to you, in the future you will know to be a bit more skeptical. You thought you could believe her. You didn't know that somebody who tells you early on that you are "their world, their god or their idol" has no idea what a real relationship is or how to maintain it. Now you know that that kinds of words indicate that the person has their head in the clouds & doesn't have a clue so you walk away much earlier.

 

It's not about what you missed then. It's about what you learned & how you will be better in your next, hopefully not long distance, relationship. You have learned not to ignore red flags & to trust your gut.

 

Yes, you're right. It's my fault at the end of the day that I ignored all that and let it continue for too long. I needed to dump her the first time I ever noticed a red flag.

 

Just need to find a way to get rid of obsessive thoughts.

 

Is there anything you guys tried to get rid of them? Thanks.

[d0nnivain]

Maybe not the 1st time you saw a red flag but definitely by the 3rd time.

 

When you find yourself having obsessive thoughts, stop & acknowledge that you are having them. Then purposefully think about something else, reminding yourself that obsessing isn't good for you nor is it helping.

[Volen_84]

Ok guys,

So 3 months passed since the breakup and I am in complete NC. 

I ublocked her from social media but never checked her profile and don't care.

I feel A LOT better than it was 3 months ago but still think about her and our relationship, still miss her sometimes and still angry on her because of her lies.

Today she wrote me on social media "I am grateful for everything you did.... please forgive me if you can.... I did many wrong things.... wish you a good new year"

I did not reply to her, should I?

Also, what you guys think it is? Dumper's remorse? Breadcrumb? Intention to recover the relationship or just a selfish message to get a forgiveness and feel easier?

Your advise will be highly appreciated. Thanks a lot!

Edited December 29, 2019 by Volen_84

[alterest]

Why did you unblocked her?

She probably testing ground to see where she belongs in your life and thoughts right now... Don't bite it.

If she wants do reconcile, she will tell you. But the question is: After everything you went throught, do you want that?

[Volen_84]

49 minutes ago, alterest said:

Why did you unblocked her?

She probably testing ground to see where she belongs in your life and thoughts right now... Don't bite it.

If she wants do reconcile, she will tell you. But the question is: After everything you went throught, do you want that?

Thanks a lot for your reply and suggestion!

I unblocked her a couple of weeks ago because I was going through my blocklist and decided I am strong enough to unblock but never chase her, which I did, and it was a small victory for me, meaning that I am healing slowly and no longer obsessed on checking her profile. 

Also, something inside of me was telling me that she will reach out one day and I wanted to get my power back again seeing how she is reaching back. I am not gonna lie, I feel very empowered now, even though I know she most likely reached for herself but I still feel good about myself and the power of NC.

No, I don't want her back to my life as I have zero trust in her. However, I do want her to realise her loss and suffer. Maybe this is because I am still in healing process. And I wasn't sure what is the best strategy right now, replying or not.

[spiderowl]

My first thoughts were how did you know she was cheating on you when you were long distance?

If you did not trust her, why not abandon her instead of demanding to see her phone?  There was already a lack of trust there so seeing her phone just confirms that you did not trust her.

It seems you spent a long time not believing this woman.  I do not know whether she was lying or not, just that you believed that she was a certain kind of person and then she seems to have proven to be different.  Once it gets to the stage where you need to see someone's phone, the relationship is already lost.

Your questions was how can you get over this?  I think it is harder to get over something where you have so many questions in your head that you feel were unanswered.  She is clearly not going to give you answers that you would trust.  You asked why you believed her - did you believe her?  I am not getting the feeling you did so much as you always suspected something was amiss.

Sometimes there are no clear answers to questions and one has to accept that understanding what happened is impossible without the truth. The truth seems to have been lacking here.  She was a woman you could not trust in the end.  As all good relationships are based on trust, then it is reasonable to trust someone at first and then see how things go.  You haven't done anything wrong.  In future, you will know to trust your instincts and not necessarily what someone says about themselves.

[Volen_84]

10 hours ago, spiderowl said:

My first thoughts were how did you know she was cheating on you when you were long distance?

If you did not trust her, why not abandon her instead of demanding to see her phone?  There was already a lack of trust there so seeing her phone just confirms that you did not trust her.

It seems you spent a long time not believing this woman.  I do not know whether she was lying or not, just that you believed that she was a certain kind of person and then she seems to have proven to be different.  Once it gets to the stage where you need to see someone's phone, the relationship is already lost.

Your questions was how can you get over this?  I think it is harder to get over something where you have so many questions in your head that you feel were unanswered.  She is clearly not going to give you answers that you would trust.  You asked why you believed her - did you believe her?  I am not getting the feeling you did so much as you always suspected something was amiss.

Sometimes there are no clear answers to questions and one has to accept that understanding what happened is impossible without the truth. The truth seems to have been lacking here.  She was a woman you could not trust in the end.  As all good relationships are based on trust, then it is reasonable to trust someone at first and then see how things go.  You haven't done anything wrong.  In future, you will know to trust your instincts and not necessarily what someone says about themselves.

Thanks for your reply.

You're right - I did not have a "firm" proof of cheating, however, I caught her on multiple lies, she swapped our relationship for random orbiters, she was lying about them and flirting with them on my back. Maybe she didn't have sex with any of them, but flirting, lying and masking the facts alone is enough to completely destroy the trust, also cheating is not only having sex but betraying the other person. I proposed her, but she took the ring off her finger the next day on a silly excuse, because she clearly didn't want to commit to marriage. She clearly showed me her disrespect and "I don't care" attitude and dumped me in abusive and disrespectful way. 

I agree with you that any relationship is over when there is lack of trust and checking her phone proofed that she was lying and hiding things.

Obviously, both parties are always wrong when relationship is over, I probably also was not ideal and did many mistakes, but I never flirted, never lied, even though I could easily do that on distance.  And I proposed her at the end.

I just don't understand why she suddenly wrote me an apology message (however, without even telling what exactly she thinks she did wrong, is she going to fix it, does she want to reconcile, etc). I think she is just feeling guilty and wants me to forgive her so that she could carry on with her life without guilt. 

 

[alterest]

1 hour ago, Volen_84 said:

I just don't understand why she suddenly wrote me an apology message (however, without even telling what exactly she thinks she did wrong, is she going to fix it, does she want to reconcile, etc). I think she is just feeling guilty and wants me to forgive her so that she could carry on with her life without guilt. 

Maybe gulty, maybe she wants reconcile, maybe is just breadcrumbs... We'll never know. Maybe you are right, but the reason behind this redemption is unclear. If you have to respond her, give her a short and polite answer and back to NC. If she wants something more she will let you know and then you make your decision.

Don't overthinking about relationship. It's pretty easy to enter in t hose thoughts, but you gain nothing with that.

[Volen_84]

19 minutes ago, alterest said:

Maybe gulty, maybe she wants reconcile, maybe is just breadcrumbs... We'll never know. Maybe you are right, but the reason behind this redemption is unclear. If you have to respond her, give her a short and polite answer and back to NC. If she wants something more she will let you know and then you make your decision.

Don't overthinking about relationship. It's pretty easy to enter in t hose thoughts, but you gain nothing with that.

Thanks!

Should I write her something like "what exactly you are sorry about?" to understand what she means? Or just "Thanks, I wish you happy new year too"? Or should I write something else, what do you think? I don't want her to think that she is done by simply apologising, I want to know what exactly she is sorry for.  On the same time I don't want her to think that I easily accept her apologies and make her feel good about that. 

I don't want to give her an upper hand and impression that I am here, ready to jump in back but on the same time I really want to know what she is sorry about and what is her aim of writing this message. If she will tell me the truth and make it clear she is ready to work on relationship, I MIGHT consider getting back with her, but only if she did not cheat to me. I will never forget cheating. But I understand that chances are very, very slim that she will be honest enough to tell me the truth, if she ever cheated. This is probably something I will never know and I need to either live with it or dump all this.  

Edited December 29, 2019 by Volen_84

[alterest]

Meh, with those answers you only will have a discussion that you don't need to. If you want to know or want this kind of conversation, do it. I just think that is better to stay away of those discussions right now. Say something "Hey, thank you for sincerity. Hope you are doing your best right now!!". If she wants to give you more details about it, she will.

You said before that you don't want her back and now say the opposite. That's fine, tho. But keep in mind that you will have exactly what did you have in the past. Also, maybe you could talk more deeply about her apologize, but make sure why is she reaching you out and make sure to protect your feelings, cause she could miss you right now and jump off again after see that you are into her yet.

Wait for more answers here to help you make your decision!!

[K.K.]

Volen_84 , I guarantee she sent you that message because she’s trying to alleviate her guilt and only for that. 

She treated you horribly. 

I’ve been where you are with the anger. I was angry for a long, long time. But it does go away. Promise. 

You said that you feel like you have the upper hand right now. That’s true, you do. So don’t ruin it with responding to her at all! 

No matter what you say to her, she either won’t respond or she’ll say something stupid or mean and then you’re right back to square one with the anger. She’s not going to admit anything she did wrong. 

If you don’t answer her at all... she will eventually know that you acquired a backbone! Then she’ll be wondering why you didn’t answer. It will bug the piss out of her. 

You’re going to lose that upper hand the second you message back. 

Don’t. 

[Piddy]

The thing that helped me was to start dating again.  It worked for me.  If you get back with her you'll never trust her and that's no way to live with a life of worry.  Every time she's away from you you'll wonder if she's cheating. 

I know there's plenty of success stories of couples surviving cheating, but the doubt has to always be there somewhere in the back of your mind.  If you do decide to go down the road of reconciliation then I'd demand she go to counseling with you.  And I'd demand to hear the whole truth about what she did behind your back.  

 

Edited December 29, 2019 by Piddy

[Volen_84]

Thanks a lot for all your answers, guys! I really, really appreciate it!

Suddenly, I recalled all the bad things she did to me. Not only lying, but the way she was behaving, like "ha,ha,ha look at me, I am a queen, I am in centre of attention, I enjoy the life". How she was posting provocative pictures with provocative statuses like "I am a tuned Lexus car but I have no breeeeeaks", obviously, trying to get male attention and was thriving from that. How she was constantly meeting, chatting and flirting with guys, sometimes, all night long, and hiding this from me and lying to my face when I was confronting her, telling another lie to cover the first one. How she could easily go and have fun when we were not taking and how she was always remembering about me when she was lonely. How she was treating me badly, how she was abusive and never appreciated all the things I did. How she was constantly telling me that "everyone will treat me the way you do if I sleep with them". How she was constantly comparing me with other males, highlighting their good points and never talking about negatives. How, after her own mistakes, not only she never admitted her guilt but blamed me saying "look, you made me sad, now I will have to go to disco and dance to get some energy and release bad feelings".

Man, she did many horrible things to me, I never felt that kind of humiliation in my life. She was selfish, immature, never appreciated our relationship. After all, I proposed her and she then took the ring away for a stupid reason, blaming me in everything. I believe there is no way a 35 years old person will change all her characteristics. Most likely, it will all happen again and again and she is just trying to get her power back. 

I am not saying I am perfect - obviously, not. And I also did many wrong things, no doubts. But I never treated her like s***, like she did to me, never allowed myself to flirt or chat with girls, I even eliminated all my female friends upon her request! 

I am NOT going to reconcile with her. Let her live with this. I deserve a lot better!

Why should I know the truth, even if she is willing to tell me that? To put all my progress to zero again? To be angry again? No, sir, thank you!

I am totally fine with no replying at all but I don't want her to think that I am still so weak that I don't want to reply. If I don't reply will it mean that I am weak? Or should I just say something like "thank you for sincerity. Hope you are doing your best right now!!" or it will mean that I am ready to chat and forgive her mistakes? Thanks.

I want her to see I am strong and doing well. So I don't know how to act now to make it right. 

 

Edited December 29, 2019 by Volen_84

[K.K.]

Let’s look at just a few scenarios... 

You- what are you sorry for?

Her- wtf you mean what am I sorry for? You being paranoid again?! Ugh I knew I shouldn’t have messaged. (Gaslighting) 

 

You- thank you for saying sorry. 

Her- never responds because she’s thinking omg what a dumbass. I still have him on the hook. 

 

You- I really need some closure I need to know why you did what you did. 

Her- oh my freaking God leave me alone I didn’t do anything! You’re so paranoid! 

(Where you were angry, now you will be livid and hit her back with every thing you can think of and she will ignore you or LOL a lot. 

 

You- (respond absolutely nothing) 

Her- hmmm what’s his deal. He’s not even answering! How dare he! He must really not care anymore! How dare he not respond to the queen! Wow I guess I’m not as important as I thought I was  

 

AND YOU WIN  

 

[Volen_84]

1 minute ago, K.K. said:

Let’s look at just a few scenarios... 

You- what are you sorry for?

Her- wtf you mean what am I sorry for? You being paranoid again?! Ugh I knew I shouldn’t have messaged. (Gaslighting) 

 

You- thank you for saying sorry. 

Her- never responds because she’s thinking omg what a dumbass. I still have him on the hook. 

 

You- I really need some closure I need to know why you did what you did. 

Her- oh my freaking God leave me alone I didn’t do anything! You’re so paranoid! 

(Where you were angry, now you will be livid and hit her back with every thing you can think of and she will ignore you or LOL a lot. 

 

You- (respond absolutely nothing) 

Her- hmmm what’s his deal. He’s not even answering! How dare he! He must really not care anymore! How dare he not respond to the queen! Wow I guess I’m not as important as I thought I was  

 

AND YOU WIN  

 

Haha, you made my day Thanks for reassuring! 

I will go ahead and not reply anything for now. I want to have an upper hand and not going to give my power back to her again!

[K.K.]

I think it will help you a lot to not respond. If you think you might, try to distract yourself. See how many days you can go and if she does anything in the meantime. 

You already know that you don’t want her back. She doesn’t deserve you for a second  

So now it’s all about getting yourself through the stages of grief, with anger being one of them. 

Hang in there, sweetie I know it’s hard. 

Let us know if she has anything else to say. 

 

P.S. don’t even block  her. You want her to knowww that you see her and quite simply DGAF. 

Edited December 29, 2019 by K.K.