How to cope with my fiances 16 year old daughter

[Michaelroyale]

Just wondering if anyone can offer alittle advice, just recently became engaged after dating nearly 2 years,my fiance had a very difficult marriage her ex was very controlling and very narcissistic and her 2 children were emotionally damaged because of how they all were treated by him,although that was over seven years ago it has taken me along time to win her trust to the point of getting engaged, her daughter is 16 now and is on the Autistic spectrum she is a talented dancer and musician ,but can be so disrespectful to her mother,swearing demanding shouting ,always wanting more things ,very ungrateful and seems to have no empathy for anyone especially her mother who works 50 hours aweek to provide for the family,she receives no maintenance from her ex,I find it very frustrating because my own children are respectful and generally nice kids,I really don't know how to handle her,I never discipline her because she's not my daughter and not in a position to do so...I realise some of the traits are possibly linked to the autism but cannot always blame that ,would really appreciate some advice of how to get on with her ,all I want is everyone to be happy but at the moment she continues to upset her mum because of her behaviour which upsets me...please help M

[Mr. Lucky]

all I want is everyone to be happy but at the moment she continues to upset her mum because of her behaviour which upsets me...please help M

 

Why not give us something easier to work on, like peace in the Middle East? Or getting the Democrats and Republicans - or Conservative and Labour Party - on the same page?

 

In other words, few situations more challenging than the one you're walking into. Not only are you obviously not this girl's parent, she may resent you for taking away Mom's time and attention.

 

You don't describe what your living situation will be after marriage. You might want to hold off on living together until this one goes off to school.

 

Congratulations on your engagement...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

I wouldn't want my kids around her unless my kids were already adults. I agree you should wait until she's out of the house on her own, if that ever happens. You need to find out if it's likely she will get a job and be independent or if she will still be doing this ten years from now due to her condition. I wouldn't live with that,whether or not it's the child's fault. I wouldn't be able to have that negativity every day pulling me down and keeping me upset.

[d0nnivain]

You need to resolve this before you walk down the aisle. Tell your FI some of what you told us that you are upset by the way the daughter treats the mother. You may have to temper your parenting approach because of the Autism but basic manners & less entitlement should be on the table.

[Beendaredonedat]

I agree. Please get this giant pink elephant out of your lives before you blend families permanently. It's not fair to your children to have to put up with such disrespect and princess like behaviour. I don't blame the autism but rather the mother for not enforcing good solid boundaries with the girl.

[basil67]

My first bit of advice is to disregard any parenting advice given by those who have no experience with autism or behaviour disorders. As a parent of an autistic son and a neuro typical daughter, I can tell you that parenting her was done through commonsense and parenting him was done with the support of books and therapists. Parenting a child who has ASD is frequently known as "extreme parenting" for good reason.

 

Now, it's entirely possible that the daughter has no concept of how her behaviour makes others feel or appreciation for how many hours her mother works. The "bad behaviour" could easily be reflective of her having trouble processing her wants and needs and not understanding why she can't have what she wants right now. Are you aware that the term 'autism' was coined with respect to the word "auto" (one) Oneism...about the one...about me. If you think of it from that angle, all her behaviour is classic autism.

 

That said, this behaviour is undoubtedly unpleasant for mum, unpleasant for the daughter and frustrating for all. The answer lies in therapy with a psychologist who's trained in autism. The psychologist's role is to work with the daughter and to also help mum implement strategies for the home which will underpin what she's been working on.

 

Regular discipline WILL NOT WORK. Mum needs to call in the big guns if she wants change. And even then, it will be an ongoing process. No quick fixes for this.

Edited November 1, 2019 by basil67

[Gaeta]

Are the mom and daughter getting all the help available? Is mom part of a support group? What is the daughter prognostic for the future, will she be able to go to college or trade school, or she'll be permanently dependent of her parent?

 

 

Two years isn't that long, you may want to make this a long engagement till you have a plan thought out for your future and hers.

[BluEyeL]

Not much you can do, OP. Perhaps do not move in together for another year and expect things to be rough until the girl moves out. The best thing you can be is stay out of it, unless she's putting someone in danger.

 

She's going to go off to college hopefully. Maybe talk to you fiance and make a plan to see how the girl could be evolving into someone who is able to go away to college. I am not sure how severe the autism is.

 

I have a friend with an autistic son, and I know she was very worried about him being out of the house for college, but he is there and he's ok. But he's in the same town as the mom, just not in the same house. Perhaps in two years the girl could go to a local college and move out. That's the only way. Teenagers are often difficult, someone with special needs must be even harder to deal with.