Driver Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 My husband's brother's girlfriend of a year is pregnant with her second baby. My mother in law asked me the other day if I would throw the girlfriend a baby shower with the help of one of my brother in law's sisters. Apparently, the girlfriend does not have any close friends, so the shower would have to be thrown by someone in the family. My mother in law stated that she would help, too, and that she wanted to invite "a lot of people." I feel terrible to say this, but I was taken aback and annoyed by her request. I thought it was weird that she asked me as her daughter in law to throw her son's girlfriend's shower. I assumed that showers are supposed to be thrown by family or close friends, and I am neither to this girl. I barely know her, and have seen her only a handful of times over the last year. What I do know of her, I don't like much at all - I think she has been abusive and controlling of my brother in law. Additionally, the thought of having to cohost something with my mother in law sounds like a slippery slope. She is very controlling and pushy, and I can only forsee problems arising. This is all besides the point. There are a bunch of little reasons I don't want to do this, but the reality is (and I feel like a total jerk for saying this...just want to be honest, though) I don't want to put the time, effort, and money into throwing a shower for someone I don't know or even like. I also felt it was inappropriate for my mother in law to ask me to do this given I have no relationship with this girl (although I will be in the future, as she's the mother of my brother in law's future baby). It just seemed a lot to ask when she could be asking her own daughters or just throw it herself. I texted my mother in law today that I thought about it and I won't be able to cohost but am happy to help with things. No response and now I wonder if she is pissed. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Am I a jerk for not wanting to throw a shower? You can be blunt, as I have been in this post - not sugar coating anything. Is it acceptable for me to say no or should I just bite the bullet and do it?
Mr. Lucky Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 Is it acceptable for me to say no or should I just bite the bullet and do it? I would have chosen the latter. You’re family, she will be and the baby will certainly be a part of it all. It may have also been a chance for you to draw closer to everyone involved. But isn’t the question academic? You already said ‘No’, confirming the gulf between you and that side of the family. Colder weather ahead... Mr. Lucky 1
ajequals Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 of course being men. what do we know. lol. but I'll take a shot at it ..I'm with you and probably would have given the same response , you don't know her as well as others in the family. I'm sure she has friends, what woman does not? If you thru the party I think it would be very awkward. I wonder why your mother in law is putting you on the spot?...I'm sure she has more time for something like this and has a more direct connection with her son
amaysngrace Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 It should be her doing it if she wants to give this woman a shower. She was wrong to ask this of you in the first place. And now she’s giving you the silent treatment? Charming.
CC12 Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 I assumed that showers are supposed to be thrown by family or close friends, and I am neither to this girl. She is going to give birth to a blood relative of your husband. She will be part of your family. I think you probably should have asked your MIL why she wanted you to do this. She may just be trying to build connections between family members. MIL may have already welcomed her into the family - maybe she would like to give other family members the opportunity to make her feel welcome, as well. I don't think it was inappropriate for her to make the suggestion that you host a shower. You're absolutely not obligated to do it. You can stand by your decision not to. But I think it would be a nice gesture. This woman is going to be in your family's lives, for better or worse, for a long time. You might as well try to make it nice and get started on the right foot. You've already made some judgments about her despite barely knowing her and only having met her "a handful of times." Maybe giving her another chance and getting to know her would be good for everyone. As far as having your pushy, controlling MIL involved in this shower, you'd have to create and enforce strong boundaries. You can opt to make it as simple as setting out some sandwiches and a punch bowl in your backyard with a limited guest list. If MIL starts suggesting more, allow her to pony up the cash for extra food and a change of venue, if that's what she wants. "Sorry, MIL, that sounds nice, but I only have the budget for sandwiches and seating for 15 people. If you want more, you'll have to rent a venue." Doing the right thing feels good. Being nice to family is good. A new addition to the family is a wonderful thing. It wouldn't be a bad decision to celebrate the arrival of a new family member. In any case, congrats on your new niece or nephew!
elaine567 Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 This was a family bonding thing and you have rejected it. Not good. This is how bad feeling and family feuds start. You need to start thinking past your own needs. This was an opportunity to get to know this girl and welcome her to the family, and further bond with your SIL, so why are you so hostile?
schlumpy Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 No you are not a jerk for having these feelings. What you described is to me a fairly normal response considering your reasoning but there are family obligations that go much further into the future then this piddly little baby shower. It's time to grit your teeth. You could make use of moral qualms because of the out-of-wedlock baby, but you don't indicate that it particularly bothers you. I don't see anyway out except to outright refuse and risk that chilly isolation that comes when we are viewed as an outsider and not reliable. Be prepared for the whispers and talk behind your back that is to come. With family it's all for one and one for all. After this is over you might want to consider moving away.
preraph Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 I have no problem with you saying no. Sounds like the woman has closer people to do this for her.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 No you are not a jerk for having these feelings. ... After this is over you might want to consider moving away. schlumpy, I'm afraid these two sentences together in the same response made me chuckle a bit. I guess proof there's no easy answer... Mr. Lucky
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 It should be her doing it if she wants to give this woman a shower. She was wrong to ask this of you in the first place. And now she’s giving you the silent treatment? Charming. Agree! "Just because you're mad I said no doesn't mean I should have said yes." 2
Whodatdog Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 Why isnt the MIL throwing the shower if she wants it done? Easy for her to have someone else do it. Ive always found that when someone gets roped into doing something like that and people say "oh Ill help", that the help will disappear. Tell the MIL that you cant do it, but if MIL does it then you'll help her. 2
central Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 I'm a guy, but in any comparable scenario, I'd say no, too. I'd have to be very close to the person to consider doing this sort of thing, and would consider it highly inappropriate to be asked. I'd also make that view clear to whoever asked, damn the consequences. I don't need manipulative people in my life, whether or not they're "family." 1
Mr. Lucky Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 I don't need manipulative people in my life, whether or not they're "family." Unfortunately, the OP is making that choice for her husband too. Few things I hate more than moving. Yet I helped a niece I’d met twice pack and schlep her stuff because her husband was deployed. In some families, that’s how it works... Mr. Lucky
central Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 Unfortunately, the OP is making that choice for her husband too. Few things I hate more than moving. Yet I helped a niece I’d met twice pack and schlep her stuff because her husband was deployed. In some families, that’s how it works... Mr. Lucky Then let him do the work, and let her take the credit. Yes, some families are closer, some less so. It certainly seems that there should be plenty of people closer to the honoree than the OP, so they should be asked - or step up of their own accord, the MIL being one of them.
basil67 Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 I find it odd that she's getting a shower for baby #2. It's not customary here. 1
Author Driver Posted November 2, 2019 Author Posted November 2, 2019 Wow, thanks for all the responses. It’s clear there isn’t an easy answer but I think the right thing to have done here was to not waste time thinking about whether this girl is family, whether my MIL has a right to ask me to cohost a shower, whatever... the right thing was probably just say “Sure!” it may have been a bid for closeness and for us to do something together. That’s what I am hoping it was. 2
schlumpy Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 schlumpy, I'm afraid these two sentences together in the same response made me chuckle a bit. I guess proof there's no easy answer... Mr. Lucky The idea I was attempting to express was that it's difficult to belong to a family that wants you to be active in it's affairs when you don't want to and that may be for whatever reason the person feels. Many people are family members in name only. If you don't want to be active in the weddings, showers, birthday parties, or High School Athletics then living a couple of hundred miles away is a good excuse. You can still show at the major events like Christmas but beg off the minor ones. I'm very glad I could bring some humor to your day.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 That’s what I am hoping it was. Having realized that, what’s your next step? Mr. Lucky
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 I find it odd that she's getting a shower for baby #2. It's not customary here. I think anything goes these days, honestly. Everything is such.a.big.deal. Even homecoming "proposals." It's out of hand. 2
d0nnivain Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 Your MIL said she & her daughters would also be part of throwing this. She is including you as a family member because it would have been rude of her to exclude you. She's not dumping all the work on you. If you don't know the mother to be, that is on you. She's the mother of your niece / nephew soon to be 2 of those kids. Putting something like this together with at least 2 other people is not a lot of effort. You are family whether you like it or not. Get back to your MIL & tell her that upon further reflection, you'd be happy to help.
Author Driver Posted November 3, 2019 Author Posted November 3, 2019 To clarify she did NOT ask her own daughter to be involved whatsoever. Or any of her other daughter in laws... so to be fair this isn’t some family affair I am dipping out on. So this was not a thing where she was trying to avoid excluding me. The step daughter she asked to cohost the shower with doesn’t seem enthused either... she says she is waiting to see if one of this girl’s friends will throw it instead. So I had already texted her something very nice but declining to cohost - in a nutshell I said that with my work schedule this winter It will be difficult for me to cohost but I’m happy to help her with what she needs or buy whatever. That’s what i said even before I posted here. Essentially it’s not that I don’t want to do any work… It’s just that me cohosting the party just feels incredibly awkward - I am an introvert who has never thrown a party for anyone or entertained more than a handful of people, much less someone I don’t even know or like -and I worry I would butt heads with my controlling MIL. I would rather her throw it and me help her with it. To me that’s different than being a host. So she eventually did respond and was nice about it and said she would take me up on my offer to help. I also texted the step daughter she wanted to have cohost as well and she said she understood and that she was actually hoping one of this girl’s friends would do her shower (essentially so she doesn’t have to). After reading some of the posts here I realize that her asking me to help may have been a bid for closeness and doing something together, so after we chatted about it a bit more I asked if she would have lunch with me today as I knew for a fact she was free or, as I put it, “another day that works for you!” She made an excuse that her friend had a brief (30 minute) appointment at noon so it won’t work. Why she couldn’t have met me before or after was confusing so to me it just felt like an excuse. She also didn’t suggest a different day or time. Which gives me the impression, this among many other things, that she does not want closeness. I’ve been with my husband for eight years and she’s never ONCE done anything with me one on one. I’ve initiated once or twice and got shut down the one time she did come to lunch after I invited her out, she texted me a half a minute before she walked in that she was bringing her friend with her. It hurt my feelings because it was almost like she didn’t want to be alone with me. Anyway…Perhaps my seemingly cold refusal to help with this is rooted with my bad relationship with my mother in law. :-(
schlumpy Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 Why she couldn’t have met me before or after was confusing so to me it just felt like an excuse. She also didn’t suggest a different day or time. Which gives me the impression, this among many other things, that she does not want closeness. I’ve been with my husband for eight years and she’s never ONCE done anything with me one on one. I’ve initiated once or twice and got shut down the one time she did come to lunch after I invited her out, she texted me a half a minute before she walked in that she was bringing her friend with her. It hurt my feelings because it was almost like she didn’t want to be alone with me. Anyway…Perhaps my seemingly cold refusal to help with this is rooted with my bad relationship with my mother in law. :-( My advice stands. A couple hundred miles between you and the MIL will do wonders for your mental well being.
healing light Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 If hosting the event is going to make you uncomfortable, resentful, and set a precedence of being pushed around, then I think your declining to host but offering to help was just fine. Given the extra details in your last response, I would not go against your initial word by offering to host now. I have been a people pleaser for most of my life and it never once seemed to work out in my favor in the long run when I did things I didn't actually want to do, to be honest. Haha. I can't tell by your last response if you asked the MIL to lunch or the girl you barely know?
Author Driver Posted November 3, 2019 Author Posted November 3, 2019 It was my mother in-law I asked out to lunch, in an effort to be closer.
Pastypop Posted November 24, 2019 Posted November 24, 2019 So when the MIL tells her that you refused to host a baby shower for her because you don’t like the way she treats the BIL, what are you going to do? You really don’t know what kind of relationship they have and it’s really none of your business anyway. Maybe he isn’t meeting her needs. Who knows!!! But it doesn’t and never will concern you. First and foremost, the girlfriend will be in control of the relationship that the child will have with the in-laws. It doesn’t matter what the BIL tries to, the possible custody agreement mandates or anything else. If she thinks you all hate her, then the child will not have much of a relationship on this side of the family. This May seem like nothing now but it will grow and fester. You may have caused the MIL to lose a relationship with the child. It could take awhile but it would be such a shame if she a had a relationship for say 10 years and then it was cut off over bad behavior from the in-laws. You may think this could never happen but usually if a man is forced to chose between his family or having a relationship with his child, he will choose the child and desert the family. Usually, though in-laws are too stupid to believe that and continue to be mean and bully the mom of the child until it’s too late. Not only that, but you have put your husband in a very bad situation. Especially with his brother. Also, the MIL will probably start talking about you now and picking apart everything you do. My in-laws didn’t like me and created rumors, lied and treated me like crap because they didn’t like the way I treated my husband. I took my kids away from that family when they 13, 10 and 9. They had well established relationships with them. My kids haven’t seen them years. Nor, will they anytime soon. My son called her two weeks ago and lied to her about everything. He told her that he still lived in the same house, went to the same school and pretty much everything he was doing when he was 13. We don’t even live in that state anymore and haven’t in two years. I told him to lie because I don’t want that family in any of my business. I also told my kids, my family and friends every mean thing they ever said and did to me. So guess what? My kids, family and friends want nothing to do with that awful family. It stinks but they shouldn’t have been so horrible to begin with.
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