Author girlinNYC Posted November 3, 2019 Author Posted November 3, 2019 Boy, you really shot yourself in the foot telling him you don't care if he dates other people. So dishonest and self-defeating! Do you think he has feelings for you, or do you think this is just sex for him mostly, or friendship with sex? Or do you think he views you as a potential keeper? Does he ask you out on dates and treat you like a girlfriend or is it hooking up and hanging out? The date other people was banter we'd engaged in. He knew it was. If after two years of friendship it all came down to one comment like that then it was a superficial friendship to begin with. He told me verbatim that the feelings aren't mutual and only ever viewed us as friends so I know there aren't any romantic feelings on his end. If someone you're genuinely into tells you how they feel, you won't let that slip, you'd know its the right time to reciprocate - but he didn't, so I know he was being honest.
Author girlinNYC Posted November 3, 2019 Author Posted November 3, 2019 Sorry girl in NYC, but at least you got what you originally wanted which was to get this off your chest. Now you know how he feels and it would probably be best to end your friendship. I have to tell you my best friend at one time was a gay guy and we would flirt with each other all the time; obviously not interested in each other that way. It's impossible to make a best friend out of someone you have a romantic interest in unless it's mutual. I've found it is best to chose same sex partners as best friends. I guess you guys just got caught up in the moment by having sex but he should have told you before it that he still doesn't want more than a friendship with you. Thank you. It's hard, but long term it would have been harder to regret not saying something and beat myself up over that. He said it wasn't his intention to send mixed messages and would like to be friends but understands if I don't, I didn't really say much in response to that, although I don't think I can be a good friend to him. All I said is I'll be fine and thanked him for clearing things up. I don't really know why he'd even make a comment about us still being friends. Seems futile. 1
preraph Posted November 3, 2019 Posted November 3, 2019 When guys say "just friends," in my past experiences, they were just hoping for a friendly F once in a while, in other words, no-strings sex. Women usually mean everything BUT sex. Sorry you got attached. He was careless if he already knew you weren't what he was looking for (which after two years, if you WERE, something would have happened sooner). But you acting like you didn't care he saw other women may be what gave him the green light, because he thought you were not getting invested because of that. Curious to see how "cool" he is with you when you get a boyfriend. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 I don't really know why he'd even make a comment about us still being friends. Seems futile. I wouldn't read too much into it. I think this was just his way of trying to soften the blow.
Author girlinNYC Posted November 4, 2019 Author Posted November 4, 2019 The morning after he rejected me he sent me a text saying he’s sorry and feels awful. Despite the hurt I was very graceful the night before when he was telling me he didn’t feel the same, so perhaps the fact I was kind instead of blowing up at him made him feel bad. I don’t see why a morning after text is necessary when we had already put the conversation to bed. I replied later that night, needed some time during the day as I was still quite raw and frankly didn’t even know what to say. It was a brief two sentence reply and I wished him happiness. I know he isn’t interested, but why send an I’m sorry when he’d already apologised the night before?
Lotsgoingon Posted November 4, 2019 Posted November 4, 2019 Hold on, this guy did spend a lot of time with you. So he likes you ... and feels connected to you ... even though he says he doesn't want more than friendship. So yes, he feels bad that you feel bad. His answer let a close friend of his feeling sad (that's you). You're right that it is odd to get a "I feel bad" message after someone "rejects" us. But you and he have been quite close, right. He said he didn't want to date you. He didn't say he disliked you.
Author girlinNYC Posted November 11, 2019 Author Posted November 11, 2019 Further to the discussion about telling my best friend I've fallen for him and he didn't reciprocate, I've been slightly distant with him since it happened just to protect my heart. The day after, he apologised and felt terrible because I was so sad - I was graceful about it and told him I just want him to be happy, which I genuinely do. Since then, here and there he's been sending me funny photos etc - like he usually would before I dropped the feelings bombshell. I gather it's because he wants to keep the friendship going, as he said when he rejected me so I understand that. I want that too, but I need time to get over my feelings before I can be a good friend to him. it wouldn't be fair on either of us otherwise. Having him in my life as a friend > becoming strangers. Decided I should text him later in the week, maybe next, when I've processed the unrequited love more so, just to excuse my temporary distance from him and briefly explain my reasons for being distant before reiterating how important our friendship is to me. Is this a good idea?
Lotsgoingon Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 You don't owe him an explanation for being distant. He KNOWS why you would want to be distance ... and just say I need to not talk to you for now. You need to go No-Contact ... for months ... and months ... Don't explain anything. He knows. That's what people do when their love is unrequited or rejected. We have to shutdown and not spend time with the other person if we are to preserve our sanity and avoid feeling rejected all the time in this other person's presence. You can say I appreciate the humor and the texts with funny photos, but right not it's best that I not communicate to you. He asks "how long?" you say, "I don't know." Hey and drop this nonsense of "I just want him to be happy." That's not your job to make him happy. Of course, you're a good person, so you want him to have a good life. But saying that is just sticking a stake in your own heart. No need to say that, and it's phony anyway. You really want him to reconsider and change his mind. It's inherent to loving someone that you want the best for them. No need to say that. Focus on building yourself up. Quit taking care of him! Take care of you! 2
Author girlinNYC Posted November 11, 2019 Author Posted November 11, 2019 (edited) @Lotsgoingon.... okay, I think you've interpreted the point of what I'm saying entirely incorrectly. As you were. Edited November 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
MeadowFlower Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 @girlinNYC Do you really think you can be friends with him now.... How can you even do that, won't it hurt? What happens when he gets a girlfriend. I would hope that his girlfriend becomes his best friend eventually, which means you would loose that place anyway.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 Decided I should text him later in the week, maybe next, when I've processed the unrequited love more so, just to excuse my temporary distance from him and briefly explain my reasons for being distant before reiterating how important our friendship is to me. Is this a good idea? Sincere question, but how will this help you? He is going to know why you're distant. As far as telling him how important your friendship is - it's a nice sentiment, but will you still want to be as close to him when he meets a new woman and starts dating her? How will you feel when he no longer makes much time for you, when you're no longer the one getting those funny photos, because he's sending them to his new girl? I don't think you taking space from him requires an explanation, in other words. He is, presumably, intelligent enough to figure it out for himself. 1
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