Telling him how I feel - what do I say?

[girlinNYC]

I hope he asks you out soon. I hope he's not afraid to since that happened. But if he doesn't ask you out soon, you should say, What have you got going on this weekend and see if he uses that opening to ask you out.

 

Hi there, we hung out on the weekend and again eventually got physical. We have been in contact since. No chats as yet about "what we are."

[d0nnivain]

Hi there, we hung out on the weekend and again eventually got physical. We have been in contact since. No chats as yet about "what we are."

 

See this may have been a mistake. Organic with no conversation before intercourse was just fine & stand by my prior advice for you not to bring up the "what are we?" conversation but my advice assumed the status quo, not upping the level of intimacy. Having sex without talking may have convinced him you fall into bed with just anyone. This man hasn't even taken you out on a date yet.

[girlinNYC]

This is in relation to my former best friend, who now is something different to me since we spent the night together. Naturally those turn of events form a significant shift in what was once a friendship over multiple years.

 

Throughout our friendship I was in love with him. I'm not too sure how I kept a lid on it or didn't crack sooner, but just over a month ago we kissed for the first time and the following week spent the night together.

 

Since then contact has been consistent, I've been away for work and just got back but within all of that time we'd been speaking.

 

I'm still in love with him and he doesn't know a single thing about my feelings. I don't know why, but I told him I didn't care if he casually dates other people since we aren't exclusive. "Do what you want" type of vibe I let off. I think I was just scared of my feelings and wanted to delude myself into thinking we could go back to the friendship we once had, but it's hard when you've been intimate.

 

It's now time to tell him how I feel. It's internally eating away at me and knowing there are things left unsaid makes me feel uneasy, especially if he continually gets the vibe that I'm not serious. I'd rather get rejected than regret not saying something.

 

The thing is, what do I say? Verbatim, I need sentence starters. I know the point I want to let off but I don't know how to start it. So some sentence starters would be great.

[Garcon1986]

Being exclusive and allowing your partner to casually date other people will emotionally hurt at least one of you at some point, so you will have to make up your mind as to what sort of relationship you really want. You'll have to approach this by some level of boundary setting and some level of honesty.

 

You could start by

- I really enjoy being around you, and want to know where this is going long term.

- Can you talk to me about your long term dating goals?

- Thank you so much for being a wonderful friend for this long; I really enjoyed our nights together. Where do you want to take this long term?

[girlinNYC]

Being exclusive and allowing your partner to casually date other people will emotionally hurt at least one of you at some point, so you will have to make up your mind as to what sort of relationship you really want. You'll have to approach this by some level of boundary setting and some level of honesty.

 

You could start by

- I really enjoy being around you, and want to know where this is going long term.

- Can you talk to me about your long term dating goals?

- Thank you so much for being a wonderful friend for this long; I really enjoyed our nights together. Where do you want to take this long term?

 

Sorry! Didn't explain myself well enough. Definitely not after an open relationship. If we are going to be together it is the two of us only.

Thank you for the tips.

[chillii]

lf he has any senses at all he likely knows anyway, l always did with friends and it proved right in the end.

Telling him , no way to know, l completely stopped seeing one friend when she told me, even though l always knew anyway.

But l always knew too l didn't want more so when it did finally come out, l dunno, l didn't handle it right either but l just felt it was best.

[MountainGirl111]

Do you feel like he loves you as well? If so, I would think that would give you more confidence in the matter.

 

Being friends for a long time can be used to your advantage....you should know one another well...and conversation should come fairly easy....you likely can talk about anything with one another. So...some night when you are talking...just see if you can steer the conversation around to your confession. I know that that when friends cross over to lovers it can be tricky as you don't want to put the friendship on the line. But, if this is eating at you, listen to whatever it is that's making you feel all bottled up inside.

[smackie9]

Like he's gonna believe you! You tell him to date others, then flip it and say you are in love with him? How would you feel if some guy you just liked did that to you. I doubt you would trust him.

[girlinNYC]

Like he's gonna believe you! You tell him to date others, then flip it and say you are in love with him? How would you feel if some guy you just liked did that to you. I doubt you would trust him.

 

I've never worn my heart on my sleeve with him. Believing me won't be an issue.

[Lotsgoingon]

Figure out the best place to talk ... that's your first item of business.

 

For me, when I've been as scared as you are, it's better to go out somewhere ... walking through a city ... in a park ... or go to a bar ... Being locked in a room with someone doesn't work for me. I'll feel too pulled back into hiding my feelings.

 

Being outside ... especially doing something different than usual or going to a new place ... is my way of making sure I don't wimp out and go silent.

 

But your mileage will vary.

 

You just have to do it ... So what helps is to not pretend you have perfect words ... to go ahead and cop to nervousness.

 

I'm nervous right now ... and I don't know how to bring this up ... But it's time I tell you that I really like you ... (You could start there). He'll smile and say, "Of course you like me."

 

Then you can say, "No, I mean I REALLY like you."

 

He's gonna say, "I really like you too."

 

Now you're leading to the climax ... you don't have to say the "love" word. Go more specific. I want to be your gf and you be my bf. I want to date you only and all that stuff I said about being ok with you being with others--that's nonsense. I want to be with you only, I don't want you with other people. I want you with me and me only."

 

In here is where you'll get a yes/no/maybe ... but let's assume a "yes."

 

Now I realize I'm not pointing you to the "Love" word because ... maybe my own caution is getting in the way. I tend to think escalating is the way to go. Once you see if he wants to go official and exclusive with you then you can mention "love" any time you want ... at some point it will naturally come up. At some point it will come up with both of you ...

 

There is no way to do this without being scared. Scared is part of the thrill, part of the fun, part of the energy of romance. Quit thinking something is wrong about being terrified of him saying no ... That's normal. You will survive that.

 

And having suggested some words, I will now let you in on the utter truth. The words do not much matter. You could babble it out ... and if he wants to be with you, he'll say that ... The words at this stage, being precisely articulate ...that's just your nerves getting triggered.

 

There's no .... "Oh, I would have dated you had you spoken more clearly and in better sentences, but you paused and got a little lost in your words and you were so nervous, so I lost interest." Nope! Not. Doesn't happen.

 

The real communication is coming through your entire being, your body ... the moment. He'll know what the heck you're trying to say even if you only babble it out.

 

Maybe for confidence ... look good ... look good in a way that makes you feel confident ...

[girlinNYC]

Do you feel like he loves you as well? If so, I would think that would give you more confidence in the matter.

 

Being friends for a long time can be used to your advantage....you should know one another well...and conversation should come fairly easy....you likely can talk about anything with one another. So...some night when you are talking...just see if you can steer the conversation around to your confession. I know that that when friends cross over to lovers it can be tricky as you don't want to put the friendship on the line. But, if this is eating at you, listen to whatever it is that's making you feel all bottled up inside.

 

I'm not too sure about his feelings. He's shown romantic interest, but whether that means he secretly likes me is another thing. Frankly, my only objective is him knowing how I feel so its off my chest for good.

Confidence isn't necessarily an issue, I feel more certain now as ever that it's the right thing to do. I know what I want to say in the sense of protecting our friendship, even if we need some time apart (if he doesn't reciprocate feelings) I want to reiterate that I hope one day we can be friendly again. I don't want the last few years of friendship to be all for nothing.

It's just starting the conversation - once it starts it will all flow!

[Flame Aura]

Just tell him, what exactly is the problem? This is something I used to be worried about when I was a teenager... how to tell a girl I liked her.

 

 

I'm assuming you are an adult so next time you see him just tell him, "I like you, really like you, more than a friend, how do you feel?"

 

 

You will have your answer one way or another.

[girlinNYC]

Just tell him, what exactly is the problem? This is something I used to be worried about when I was a teenager... how to tell a girl I liked her.

 

 

I'm assuming you are an adult so next time you see him just tell him, "I like you, really like you, more than a friend, how do you feel?"

 

 

You will have your answer one way or another.

 

There's no problem - it's not an issue of if I tell him, I know I have to. It's not knowing how to start the conversation.

[Flame Aura]

It's not knowing how to start the conversation.

"Hey I want to talk to you about something"

 

 

"Sure what is it"

 

 

"Well, I've realised that I like you, really like you, more than just friends.." etc

 

 

C'mon it's really not that hard!

[chillii]

l'vel had two girls give me letters and l can certainly see how they might've needed to write it out but l really wouldn't advise that one.

But yeah , telling him to see other girls is going to blow whatever he thought he knew out of the water so that'll take some explaining.

l think l'd maybe try to set a mood to just talk , sit close , see if you can get him talking about his real feelings and you guys. hopefully you hear good things and from there you can tell him.

Or something like that.

[girlinNYC]

I ended up telling my friend or 'friend' how I feel following on the intimate nights we'd spent together after two years of a platonic friendship.

 

Unfortunately, he doesn't feel the same way. It was a hard but necessary pill to swallow because at least now I have clarity and won't ever have to regret not saying anything when I had the chance.

 

He was respectful, honest and was sorry I was hurting.

 

However one particular remark really cut me, and maybe I'm being over sensitive but he after he told me the feelings aren't mutual he said "I know what I'm looking for" - despite flirting with me in the past and recently, joking about marriage and kids, etc. Why even say that? That part really hurt.

 

I'm feeling numb right now, but I'm sure the emotion will come in waves.

 

Any input would be appreciated.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry, OP. That must've hurt to hear.

 

I think he enjoys your companionship and affection in the moment, and maybe he's been having a dry spell to turned to you to meet those desires. It appears he didn't see anything long-term coming of it.

 

I would take a lot of time and space away from him. You will need it in order to move past him.

[schlumpy]

However one particular remark really cut me, and maybe I'm being over sensitive but he after he told me the feelings aren't mutual he said "I know what I'm looking for" - despite flirting with me in the past and recently, joking about marriage and kids, etc. Why even say that? That part really hurt.

 

Because reality and fantasy are entirely two different things.

 

He obviously didn't see what he was doing as engaging your heart or he didn't care. Perhaps he considered it practice. Some people enjoy taking advantage of other peoples feelings so don't make him out to be more of a gentlemen then he really is.

 

He was having mind movies of a relationship with a woman but that woman did not have your face but she did have your body.

 

You know it wasn't that long ago where leading a women on with hopes of matrimony and then dashing her hopes in abject misery earned the perpetrator the scorn of polite society.

 

Have we changed for the better?

[girlinNYC]

I'm sorry, OP. That must've hurt to hear.

 

I think he enjoys your companionship and affection in the moment, and maybe he's been having a dry spell to turned to you to meet those desires. It appears he didn't see anything long-term coming of it.

 

I would take a lot of time and space away from him. You will need it in order to move past him.

 

Yeah, it was tough. That remark stuck out - I think because I’ve always wanted to be the person he’s “looking for” and knowing someone else will fit that mould for him instead is hard. But these things have to be handled with grace. You can’t control the uncontrollable. He said he’d like to stay friends but understands if we can’t. However time and space right now is the most essential thing.

[girlinNYC]

Because reality and fantasy are entirely two different things.

 

He obviously didn't see what he was doing as engaging your heart or he didn't care. Perhaps he considered it practice. Some people enjoy taking advantage of other peoples feelings so don't make him out to be more of a gentlemen then he really is.

 

He was having mind movies of a relationship with a woman but that woman did not have your face but she did have your body.

 

You know it wasn't that long ago where leading a women on with hopes of matrimony and then dashing her hopes in abject misery earned the perpetrator the scorn of polite society.

 

Have we changed for the better?

 

Definitely not putting him on a pedestal, although he was honest about his feelings and didn’t appease me, I’m hurt at that aforementioned comment and feeling entirely lead on. He made it out as though his level was only ever friends and that he wants us to stay friends. Which I’m not saying he’s ever been head over heels, but he made moves on me. Just entirely unnecessary.

Edited November 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[stillafool]

Sorry girl in NYC

[schlumpy]

He made it out as though his level was only ever friends and that he wants us to stay friends.

 

I don't have sex with my friends so he's either lying or just took advantage of you and those are two other things I don't do to my friends.

[stillafool]

Sorry girl in NYC, but at least you got what you originally wanted which was to get this off your chest. Now you know how he feels and it would probably be best to end your friendship. I have to tell you my best friend at one time was a gay guy and we would flirt with each other all the time; obviously not interested in each other that way. It's impossible to make a best friend out of someone you have a romantic interest in unless it's mutual. I've found it is best to chose same sex partners as best friends. I guess you guys just got caught up in the moment by having sex but he should have told you before it that he still doesn't want more than a friendship with you.

[preraph]

Boy, you really shot yourself in the foot telling him you don't care if he dates other people. So dishonest and self-defeating!

 

Do you think he has feelings for you, or do you think this is just sex for him mostly, or friendship with sex? Or do you think he views you as a potential keeper? Does he ask you out on dates and treat you like a girlfriend or is it hooking up and hanging out?

[Lotsgoingon]

However one particular remark really cut me, and maybe I'm being over sensitive but he after he told me the feelings aren't mutual he said "I know what I'm looking for" - despite flirting with me in the past and recently, joking about marriage and kids, etc. Why even say that? That part really hurt.

 

Yes this hurts ... but you will get through the hurt ... and you will emerge with better social skills if you allow yourself some time to flirt. In the future, you really don't be silently in love with someone for two years without saying something, right? You can also learn a nice way of flirting so that you do not have to ask this question so directly ... you will get an answer based on how he responds to your flirting. But credit yourself: I was one in love with a friend and didn't even get a kiss out of it.

 

So there's lots to mull over ... but for now I want to honor your pain.

 

I strongly suggest you talk to him and tell him exactly what you write about here--talking about marriage and kids ... Call him on that! One, you'll get a better answer ... even if the thinking is twisted and inconsistent--you'll know for sure his thinking was twisted ... Two, calling him on this--and telling him about his confusing signals--you'll feel better for standing up to him. You've giving yourself a good voice.

 

It's OK to feel numb and bad ... just remember in the back of your mind ... even though it won't feel convincing for a bit ... that this is one person. Your mind and heart will try to tell you that there cannot possibly be anyone else who you'll connect with as strongly as you connected with him ... that's all wrong ... just a brain glitch ... The right person will be all over you every bit as much as you're all over them.

 

But call him on the marriage and kids joking!