girlinNYC Posted September 29, 2019 Posted September 29, 2019 On Thursday night one of my very good guy friends and I caught up. We've been friends for 2.5 years and nothing had ever happened between us - just a standard guy/girl friendship. We hadn't seen each other in a number of months and reacquainted. We grabbed a bite to eat and then hung out at his house. He was extremely respectful and not sleazy ir being suggestive in the slightest. We started to watch a documentary, he leant his head on me and within about 20 minutes after that he leant in for a kiss. There was definite chemistry, I felt it, he must have too. For the rest of the night we were on/off kissing. We didn't have sexual intercourse however oral sex was involved. For the entirety of the night he was extremely sweet, complimenting me, etc. Since then contact has been quite frequent, he's wanted to go out and catch up numerous times since Thursday but conflicting schedules has meant we haven't seen each other again yet. I want brutally honest opinions: on his end do you think has this changed our friendship? I'm fearful that he now sees me in a different light. How do I approach this situation?
Maggiemay1 Posted September 29, 2019 Posted September 29, 2019 Of course it has changed the friendship. But to what, depends on what he wants and what you want? Are either or both of you feeling vulnerable atm? Recent break up or trauma? Do you want to be his friend or do you want more? If you want more , then why have you been platonic? And vice versa? It could be that he is horny and there is a female in his company? You mentioned that you haven’t seen him in months. So are you actually friends or acquaintances? More info is required for anyone to give a reasonable opinion.
Author girlinNYC Posted September 29, 2019 Author Posted September 29, 2019 Of course it has changed the friendship. But to what, depends on what he wants and what you want? Are either or both of you feeling vulnerable atm? Recent break up or trauma? Do you want to be his friend or do you want more? If you want more , then why have you been platonic? And vice versa? It could be that he is horny and there is a female in his company? You mentioned that you haven’t seen him in months. So are you actually friends or acquaintances? More info is required for anyone to give a reasonable opinion. Neither of us are experiencing a break up or feeling vulnerable. I have feelings for him, I have for months but haven't said anything. I'm not sure what he wants from me or out of this, his interest has seemed high but whether he sees potential for a relationship is the golden question. As mentioned we only kissed for the first time the other day so this recent development is fresh. I want to have the 'what are we' chat but feel it's too soon.
schlumpy Posted September 29, 2019 Posted September 29, 2019 Shut down the sex until he takes you out on a few dates and you can measure how much effort he wants to put into knowing you. So far I'm not encouraged. My love interest always superseded my schedule. 2
Author girlinNYC Posted September 29, 2019 Author Posted September 29, 2019 Shut down the sex until he takes you out on a few dates and you can measure how much effort he wants to put into knowing you. So far I'm not encouraged. My love interest always superseded my schedule. We've known each other for a couple of years so he knows me well. We've already been on a couple of dates without 'normal' sex, so at least I can rest on that. i just don't know if it's too soon to have a general talk on where we go from here since the other night marks a significant change in our friendship.
d0nnivain Posted September 29, 2019 Posted September 29, 2019 on his end do you think has this changed our friendship? I'm fearful that he now sees me in a different light. How do I approach this situation? Of course the kiss changes things. It told him he's out of the friend-zone & you'd be open to dating him. Unless you are not & this was just some one off thing for you, go out of your way to make it easy for him. Let him know it's safe to ask you on a date because you will say yes & not shoot him down. Whatever you do, DO NOT initiate some kind of what are we talk. That will kill this before it gets started. Just enjoy the actions & activities of dating for a while. Give him dates & times when you will be free. Work with the guy to be available to see him. Move something if you have to. Unless you are DTF avoid intimate spaces like each other's apartments for a while until you are in a more secure relationship. Otherwise this will disintegrate to a booty call fast. 4
smackie9 Posted September 29, 2019 Posted September 29, 2019 Keep away from the sex and let him ask you out on dates and let things develop organically. I'll let you in on a secret...99.9% of the time, a guy friend has a sexual or romantic interest in you. This guy has always liked you. 5
preraph Posted September 29, 2019 Posted September 29, 2019 He must like you. Of course, guys will have sex with women they don't care about, but seems like you two have been having some relationship, so I will assume he cares about you, plus he didn't go right in for full sex, did he? You didn't have to stop him, did you? And he's been nice since? So as long as he was respectful and seemed happy about it all, I think you might have a boyfriend. But you shouldn't start quizzing him about it yet. Too soon. What you should do is keep up whatever contact got you to this point and be normal and let him ask you out again and go and start acting more touchy and girlfriendlike. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted September 29, 2019 Posted September 29, 2019 Of course, the relationship has changed ... The kissing and oral sex changed things. But ... frankly, it sounds like you guys were both feeling attracted to each other before you kissed. So the relationship had changed before you kissed. I'm confused by this line: I want brutally honest opinions: on his end do you think has this changed our friendship? I'm fearful that he now sees me in a different light. How do I approach this situation? Whaddaya mean here? Of course, he sees you in a different light. Did he send you any texts telling you that the kissing was a mistake? I'm betting the answer is no. Did he send you any texts telling you that he had a great time? I'm betting the answer here is yes. You gotta own up to what you want. Do you want to date him? If so, start moving towards that. Sounds like he already is. Time for the talk. Sometimes you gotta talk about the most awkward, thrilling thing there is ... because you gotta figure out what each of you wants. Do this in person. I enjoyed the other night, but I'm a little nervous because I'm not sure where this leaves us. I really enjoyed it, but I don't want to be out of sync with what you're feeling." Translation: you're interested if he's interested. Do this in person ... so you guys can be with each other to hold hands and walk and talk ... and start your new life. Don't do this on the phone unless it happens by accident. And don't text this ... and frankly, don't be afraid to ask for an urgent meeting to clarify things. He'll find the time! Everything you say indicates movement towards dating ... but sounds like you think this may have been a one-time thing. Doesn't seem like that to me. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted September 29, 2019 Posted September 29, 2019 If it were me I'd let him take me out on some dates and show and tell me where he sees it going. One way or the other, he'll make it very clear. Let him define it. Just continue having fun with him - minus the sex if you want to make sure he's interested in more than that. Sounds very promising! 2
mark clemson Posted September 29, 2019 Posted September 29, 2019 Since then contact has been quite frequent, he's wanted to go out and catch up numerous times since Thursday but conflicting schedules has meant we haven't seen each other again yet. The effort being put in at coordinating this is encouraging IMO. Per some comments above, if you really like the guy perhaps be willing to prioritize time with him over other stuff (and hopefully he will as well). I want brutally honest opinions: on his end do you think has this changed our friendship? I'm fearful that he now sees me in a different light. How do I approach this situation? I think you approach this as you are both working towards a different type of relationship. Whether that's to be BF/GF or more FWB depends on what you both want and can agree on. It's possible it will end the friendship. Don't mean to be negative, just that these things happen. 1
fromheart Posted September 29, 2019 Posted September 29, 2019 Well, usually if you go down south on a friend it can change the friendship. For some only a relationship can occur after sexual contact with a friend, for some they can effortlessly be FWB for years. You need to figure out what you want, then have a chat with him and see what he wants. If you want the same thing, then its all good. If there's a difference of ideas, give things a long break and then go back to the friendship later. 2
Maggiemay1 Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 We've known each other for a couple of years so he knows me well. We've already been on a couple of dates without 'normal' sex, so at least I can rest on that. Sex is sex. I’m female and I have no idea why other heterosexual females think they have preserved themself by doing everything but penetration? The only thing you can rest on , is that there is minimal chance of being pregnant to him. Oral sex doesn’t mean you are excluded from stis? Others have suggested it’s too soon to have the what are we chat? But since you have known him as platonic friends until now, I personally think it’s ok to have some chat about how this affects your friendship? 1
Maddie82 Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 Uh, yep, you've crossed the boundaries of friendship, that's out of the window. Sounds like you really like each other. Just be honest with him about that and ask him where you both go from here? It doesn't have to be complicated. 1
elaine567 Posted September 30, 2019 Posted September 30, 2019 We hadn't seen each other in a number of months and reacquainted. Why is that? ....................
Author girlinNYC Posted September 30, 2019 Author Posted September 30, 2019 Why is that? .................... I was away for work. 1
Author girlinNYC Posted October 1, 2019 Author Posted October 1, 2019 Have you spoken to him about it yet op? We’ve spoken daily since the event, but not specifically about where we go from here. I think I’ll just let any talk like that happen organically. 1
Author girlinNYC Posted October 1, 2019 Author Posted October 1, 2019 He must like you. Of course, guys will have sex with women they don't care about, but seems like you two have been having some relationship, so I will assume he cares about you, plus he didn't go right in for full sex, did he? You didn't have to stop him, did you? And he's been nice since? So as long as he was respectful and seemed happy about it all, I think you might have a boyfriend. But you shouldn't start quizzing him about it yet. Too soon. What you should do is keep up whatever contact got you to this point and be normal and let him ask you out again and go and start acting more touchy and girlfriendlike. He was great the entire time and has been since. He didn’t go in for full blown sex, he was being really gentlemanly before anything like that developed. When I wanted to keep it just at second base he was fine. He’s kept contact going ever since. I haven’t initiated any ‘what are we’ talks, I’ll just let it flow as it’s meant to. 1
Author girlinNYC Posted October 1, 2019 Author Posted October 1, 2019 (edited) I'm confused by this line: I want brutally honest opinions: on his end do you think has this changed our friendship? I'm fearful that he now sees me in a different light. How do I approach this situation? Whaddaya mean here? Of course, he sees you in a different light. Did he send you any texts telling you that the kissing was a mistake? I'm betting the answer is no. Did he send you any texts telling you that he had a great time? I'm betting the answer here is yes. You gotta own up to what you want. Do you want to date him? If so, start moving towards that. Sounds like he already is. Time for the talk. Sorry for not being clear! In my question I was trying to gauge how I move forward with him since a significant event took place. I do want to date him. I’ve always liked him, just that we only kissed for the first time the other night. Any talk we have will definitely be in person. It’s not a text or over the phone type of conversation. After I see him again I’ll feel better placed to approach it. Edited October 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited
Author girlinNYC Posted October 1, 2019 Author Posted October 1, 2019 Sex is sex. I’m female and I have no idea why other heterosexual females think they have preserved themself by doing everything but penetration? The only thing you can rest on , is that there is minimal chance of being pregnant to him. Oral sex doesn’t mean you are excluded from stis? Others have suggested it’s too soon to have the what are we chat? But since you have known him as platonic friends until now, I personally think it’s ok to have some chat about how this affects your friendship? There’s a slim-none chance of falling pregnant via oral sex. There’s conflicting opinions over whether the what are we chat is necessary at the moment, I might just let things flow organically and when it happens it happens.
oldtruck Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 We've known each other for a couple of years so he knows me well. We've already been on a couple of dates without 'normal' sex, so at least I can rest on that. i just don't know if it's too soon to have a general talk on where we go from here since the other night marks a significant change in our friendship. not to soon to talk ask him if wants you to be a BF GF
Lotsgoingon Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 Well you gotta have the talk at some point ...But ... you can go at this in your more "natural" way. Just understand, it's too late to hide. I've gotten involved with friends. You cannot easily go back. I basically had to stay away from a friend I got involved with for three years ... Took that long for us to let go of our fling, so that we could sit down, have dinner, open up, share deeply ... and not feel the desire to do anything more. Three years to feel genuine friendship again--not fake friendship with one of us wanted more. Suggestion: go out ... and step into his space ... the way people do when the're comfortable with the other persons. (It's like we have this calculator in our brain for the right physical distance from a person we don't want to get involved with.) Let your hand rub against his ... if he takes your hand, take his ... He touches you ... make it clear you're comfortable. Just show up and let things happen, assuming you are really feeling him in the moment. Most likely you guys will end up making out again ... and the conversation, as you say, will naturally happen. But you can't really ruin this ... If he turns out not to be interested in dating, you'll want to pull back for a while. No shame there. I do think he's interested, based on your continued enthusiastic contact. So, when's your next date, nygirl?
preraph Posted October 1, 2019 Posted October 1, 2019 I hope he asks you out soon. I hope he's not afraid to since that happened. But if he doesn't ask you out soon, you should say, What have you got going on this weekend and see if he uses that opening to ask you out.
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