BJP1991 Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 (edited) Went on a first date from bumble two days ago. Had a drink at a bar, seated side by side. During the date, she kept crossing her legs towards me and resting one of her legs against mine - the majority of the time after the first ten minutes went by. As we chatted she occasionally would touch my arm (not grab, but lightly touch) randomly or when I would joke or tease with her during convo. Overall felt good. Didn’t go for a kiss, though I should have. I sort of pulled her in like I usually do when I go for a kiss, but she averted to a hug quickly, before I could move closer to her (not a big deal). At the end, we toyed with the idea of a mini bar crawl around our neighborhood sometime. She sounded keen on it and mentioned something about next week. Wondering when a good time to reach out would be. This evening will be 48 hrs since the date, so it’s still early enough where I didn’t wait too long. I know some say “waiting is game playing” but if a person is genuinely interested, does it matter as long as it isn’t TOO long (4+ days)? Also, I’d like to keep it short/simple/to the point, meaning setting up a second date. Thoughts/opinions/advice on the matter? I enjoyed the date, but wanted to allow her a chance to reach out first to see where her interest is at. I know women don’t always reach out first after a date, but when they have it generally meant they were really interested. We are both mid twenties, and met on a dating app. Thanks! Edited October 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
d0nnivain Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 Reach out & say something -- anything -- TODAY. Unfortunately in this day & age the fact that somebody doesn't reach out the very next day makes some people believe that you are not interested. If you wait 4 days the woman will conclude that you were on dates with others from Bumble & she is your fall back position. You can wait a few days to set up the next date but you need interim communication now or this will falter. It won't matter how much she initially like you. She will believe you used her & that will annoy her to the extent that any warm fuzzies she had toward you will be consumed by her anger. 1
Gaeta Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 Do NOT play the waiting game, you'll end up the big loser. Nowadays women expect to be reached the following day if you are interested. You need to contact her TODAY and set up a date for this weekend. Yes it's still your turn to set it up, this will confirm your interest in her, then she should feel confident enough to initiate the 3rd date. Sometimes timid women will prefer you set up the first 3 dates but then past that she has to start play ball with you.
Author BJP1991 Posted October 31, 2019 Author Posted October 31, 2019 I mean, less than 48 hours is not much time. If someone has a good self esteem and is happy with themselves, would they really come unraveled if I don’t reach out first or early like you suggest? There’s nothing wrong with her phone, as far as I know... Nonetheless I plan to text her today. Probably midday sometime and let her know it was nice to meet her and suggest a date for sometime soon
Gaeta Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 You met on a dating site. I assure you she is being bombarded with offers. If you don't reach to her after a date or the next couple of days you will be far far out of her mind and she'll set up dates with others for the weekend. I know it should not be like this in a perfect world but it's how it is when you do online. If you delay she will think you are not interested and she'll move on with one of her other 100 prospects. 1
lavenderandvelvet Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 You should reach out already. If you like someone just do it. No bs with a waiting game. While I know the story is that all women are juggling hundreds of options, that is the exception not the rule. But if you want to stand out be clear in your intent. If you had a good time, tell her soon and schedule the next thing. You can schedule the next date at the end of the first date.
d0nnivain Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 If someone has a good self esteem and is happy with themselves, would they really come unraveled if I don’t reach out first or early like you suggest? There’s nothing wrong with her phone, as far as I know... Unraveled no . . .but given conventional wisdom it could lead to disinterest. Nobody wants to think they are 2nd choice.
Gaeta Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 If someone has a good self esteem and is happy with themselves, would they really come unraveled Actually a woman with good self-esteem will simply go on and date others and leave you behind in the dust. When you get back to her 5 days later she'll go BJP1991 who? 3
SumGuy Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 (edited) Actually a woman with good self-esteem will simply go on and date others and leave you behind in the dust. Exactly, and with all the bodily contact she was flirting with you, letting you know she liked you. Not getting back to her can feel like rejection, women don't like it any better than men. Edited October 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author BJP1991 Posted October 31, 2019 Author Posted October 31, 2019 (edited) I mean, I like her too. I texted her a little over an hour ago, said it was nice meeting her and suggested a date idea and asked what her schedule is like. No response yet Edited October 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
preraph Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 She's already being touchy with you, so you need to kiss her when you drop her off at the end of the next date or she'll be on to greener pastures. I mean, it would be odd if she was that touchy and then averted a kiss, so if she does it again, sounds gamey.
Author BJP1991 Posted October 31, 2019 Author Posted October 31, 2019 (edited) See, I think some girls come to expect a text the next day. That simply is not fair or realistic to a man. I still believe that, if after a first date a girl has moderate/lukewarm interest, that waiting a couple of days to contact her is good. Whereas coming too soon will make you clingy/desperate, etc. and chase her away from you, for good. A lot of people here on this forum seem to support this notion, whereas for myself, in my own experiences, I have driven more women away doing this than giving a little space to breathe and process how the date went and decide if we want to see one another again (seems like a mature concept, but maybe I am wrong? doubtful). Also, I dont see it as "waiting" on purpose. I am a young man, trying to stay busy in my professional career, my sideproject business startup, and staying healthy/active and spending my time where I want to. If a girl wants to turn the table on me just because I waited (god forbid) an extra 24 hours to text her after a date, and express that I had a good time and would be fun to do it again, then I don't want a woman like that anyways. The only ones who get upset if you wait too long are the ones that are generally more desperate for attention. How does nobody else see that as an indicator of low self-esteem? A person should be happy you got in touch, not mad that it took you a "little" longer than he/she had hoped to hear from you. What is wrong with the other person's phone? Nothing. This cannot be denied. There is no equality in relationships. At least in the beginning. Edited October 31, 2019 by BJP1991
Author BJP1991 Posted October 31, 2019 Author Posted October 31, 2019 Do NOT play the waiting game, you'll end up the big loser. Nowadays women expect to be reached the following day if you are interested. You need to contact her TODAY and set up a date for this weekend. Yes it's still your turn to set it up, this will confirm your interest in her, then she should feel confident enough to initiate the 3rd date. Sometimes timid women will prefer you set up the first 3 dates but then past that she has to start play ball with you. I dont NEED to do ANYTHING. What I NEED to do is focus on myself and improve myself daily in all aspects of my life. If a beautiful girl ends up fitting nicely into my life, then that is something I want. I dont NEED to do anything else, especially for a girl I've talked to once for 1.25 hours on a very first date. The latter part of your post, I agree with entirely. The first part is what all too often gets younger men like myself rejected, since it comes off as needy and pushy to make a date for THIS weekend. Trust me - it does get us rejected, even if a girl had a great time of the date, initiated kissing, asked for a second date on the first date, etc. I have seen it all; if a girl does all that, you can still chase her away by being too needy and desperate, as this advice is recommending Besides, I have plans for this weekend. I simply refuse to alter my plans for a girl who I barely know. Why has she earned that from me already? Sheesh. Sorry - End Rant.
Lotsgoingon Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 You got two things going on here. You have the meeting with this actual woman ... And you have the playbook in your head about the rules of when to contact someone following a date. I'll say this ... despite her touching you and all of that ... all you report is that it was a "nice" first date. Sounds to me like you aren't really that interested in her. Which is not a criticism. If you were really interested in her, you would have contacted her before 48 hours. You would not have been able to stop yourself.
Author BJP1991 Posted October 31, 2019 Author Posted October 31, 2019 You got two things going on here. You have the meeting with this actual woman ... And you have the playbook in your head about the rules of when to contact someone following a date. I'll say this ... despite her touching you and all of that ... all you report is that it was a "nice" first date. Sounds to me like you aren't really that interested in her. Which is not a criticism. If you were really interested in her, you would have contacted her before 48 hours. You would not have been able to stop yourself. Thanks for the input and also thanks for not reading the entire thread. I did reach out to her, roughly 36 hours after the first date. Honestly, what is the rush, people? I had a very nice time and would love a second date. Did I actually do anything wrong here?
Flame Aura Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 48 hours is too long, should have been the next day. When someone is genuinely interested there is no 'too soon'. So did she reply?
Author BJP1991 Posted November 1, 2019 Author Posted November 1, 2019 48 hours is too long, should have been the next day. When someone is genuinely interested there is no 'too soon'. It was less than 48 hours for like the 100th time. Less than two days total. Also, while when someone is genuinely interested there is no "too soon", but if someone is lukewarm, semi-interested and curious to see where things might go, there is ABSOLUTELY TOO SOON. Too soon, in fact, that it WILL turn her off. To be fair and honest with ourselves, we cannot assume everyone we go on a first date with is "genuinely interested" already. It takes time for these things and for attraction to build up. I literally think everyone on this forum just wants men to go over the top and out of their way to show their intent. How is that good advice? Also, demographic-wise, I would venture to guess many here are much older than I. Sure, lots more actual experience, but zero experience with Modern 2010+ dating where dating apps are ultra common and female hypergamy is becoming stronger than it ever was before. She texted me back, yes. But honestly I think maybe I should give up on dating for a while. It is so much gameplaying, and perhaps a little time off to "reset" would do me some good. Can anyone point out a time where you were mid-level interested in a guy and would like to possibly see him again, and he texted you immediately after the date - did your interest in him go up when he expressed a higher level of interest in you, than you in him? I would venture to guess, the answer is a definitive "no". People want what they cannot have, generally. And it has been scientifically proven (through research) that women are more attracted to me who's feelings are unclear. Go for it - check google scholar. It's a thing.
Flame Aura Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 It was less than 48 hours for like the 100th time. So still 24 hours too late. I literally think everyone on this forum just wants men to go over the top and out of their way to show their intent. How is that good advice? That is indeed great advice. Because men should be the ones leading, which is what women expect them to do. Women like to be treated like Queens. She texted me back, yes. But honestly I think maybe I should give up on dating for a while. It is so much gameplaying, and perhaps a little time off to "reset" would do me some good. The only one playing games that I can see is you. Can anyone point out a time where you were mid-level interested in a guy and would like to possibly see him again, and he texted you immediately after the date - did your interest in him go up when he expressed a higher level of interest in you, than you in him? I would venture to guess, the answer is a definitive "no". I disagree, I think the answer is yes. People want what they cannot have, generally. And it has been scientifically proven (through research) that women are more attracted to me who's feelings are unclear. Go for it - check google scholar. It's a thing. I don't need to Google, I have plenty of real life experience with women, something you clearly lack as you are talking out of your ass.
Author BJP1991 Posted November 1, 2019 Author Posted November 1, 2019 So still 24 hours too late. That is indeed great advice. Because men should be the ones leading, which is what women expect them to do. Women like to be treated like Queens. The only one playing games that I can see is you. I disagree, I think the answer is yes. I don't need to Google, I have plenty of real life experience with women, something you clearly lack as you are talking out of your ass. You are preaching for neediness and desperation. This advice has proven for so many men to fail. Stop telling others to act desperately - it’s unhealthy. How is being needy and desperate to setup another date attractive to anyone other than an attention-starved male/female?
Saracena Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 If you were interested why didn't you set a date at the end of the first one? Nothing wrong with this, at all. You're way overthinking all of this, btw!
Author BJP1991 Posted November 1, 2019 Author Posted November 1, 2019 If you were interested why didn't you set a date at the end of the first one? Nothing wrong with this, at all. You're way overthinking all of this, btw! Well here is what happened. At the very end, she brought up doing it again next week. I suggested a couple cool places in the neighborhood we should maybe checkout and she said “definitely checkout”. We parted ways very shortly thereafter. On the other hand, in the past I’ve had mixed results doing that. Sometimes it goes to a second date that is fun and enjoyable, other times a girl ghosts me when I hit her up the next day or after 2 days. Two weeks ago, I texted the day after when a girl asked me for a second date on the first date, and got ghosted. Things happen. That’s why I feel like doing what “I” think is right/best often is. Because there are no rules.
mortensorchid Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 Reach out NOW if you want to see her again. If you don't within 48 hours the trail will go cold.
lavenderandvelvet Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 It was less than 48 hours for like the 100th time. Less than two days total. Also, while when someone is genuinely interested there is no "too soon", but if someone is lukewarm, semi-interested and curious to see where things might go, there is ABSOLUTELY TOO SOON. Too soon, in fact, that it WILL turn her off. To be fair and honest with ourselves, we cannot assume everyone we go on a first date with is "genuinely interested" already. It takes time for these things and for attraction to build up. I literally think everyone on this forum just wants men to go over the top and out of their way to show their intent. How is that good advice? Also, demographic-wise, I would venture to guess many here are much older than I. Sure, lots more actual experience, but zero experience with Modern 2010+ dating where dating apps are ultra common and female hypergamy is becoming stronger than it ever was before. She texted me back, yes. But honestly I think maybe I should give up on dating for a while. It is so much gameplaying, and perhaps a little time off to "reset" would do me some good. Can anyone point out a time where you were mid-level interested in a guy and would like to possibly see him again, and he texted you immediately after the date - did your interest in him go up when he expressed a higher level of interest in you, than you in him? I would venture to guess, the answer is a definitive "no". People want what they cannot have, generally. And it has been scientifically proven (through research) that women are more attracted to me who's feelings are unclear. Go for it - check google scholar. It's a thing. For people I am lukewarm on, when they exhibit decisiveness, it makes them more attractive. Wishy washy is not attractive. I text two days later like "how's your day going?" is a turn off. I don't want to make small talk with you. I want you to decide if you want to go out again and set it up. The more days that pass without setting up a new date, the less interest I have. It looks like you are lukewarm on her. So game over for both of you.
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