notthatintome Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 I met a guy online. We messaged quite enthusiastically at first, it was like he was interviewing me for a girlfriend role. He said that we live too far apart for anything to happen but offered a random night. I declined. We messaged a little while longer but it fizzled out. After the good advice on here, I messaged him saying i was in the area and whether he wanted to meet for coffee. We were 90 minutes apart and he offered to drive half way to meet me in a pub for dinner. He organised the everything. The date went well and we got on - he paid for everything despite me offereing. His body language was positive - good eye contact, etc. I did feel a bit overwhelmed (i always do on dates) and I know I can come across as not liking someone when I actually do. We didn't hug or kiss or anything after the date or even arrange another meet up. He said to add him on social media and message him when i got home. I did both and he replied. I didn't hear from him until the evening of the next day - he asked me where i was. He then went onto say he enjoyed the night and to let him know when i would be in the area again. I said I would be in a couple days time and to meet if he was around. It took him a whole day to get back to me and said he couldn't as he would not be around. I replied a day later saying that i actually went home instead and that I would give him a shout if I was in the area again or suggested if he wanted to travel to me then he could. He said yes but would have to figure it out. The thing is he rarely messages and when he does it is just one line! I guess he messages at least a line a day but I can't gauge his level of interest?! He rarely messages yet is willing to travel 3 hours to see me. I quite like him though and his lack of messages don't make me feel anxious but I also don't want to get into something if someone feels lukewarm about me. I guess it is still very early. Can anyone shed any light on this?
stillafool Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 Not really, I guess you'll just have to wait and see. It would seem that he would have offered to travel to see you.
dramallama Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 I met a guy online. We messaged quite enthusiastically at first, it was like he was interviewing me for a girlfriend role. He said that we live too far apart for anything to happen but offered a random night. I declined. We messaged a little while longer but it fizzled out. ...... Can anyone shed any light on this? There's something about your description of this guy that makes me feel anxious about the similarities to the guy I'm seeing But some big differences, which I think would explain why I'm feeling like a starry-eyed teenager and you're feeling confused. So - we matched on tinder late August, live 90mins apart but he travels loads with work so wasn't phased by it. The interviewing for a girlfriend resonates - he sent me a (v lightweight) personality test before we met!!! I love all that stuff though. Met 1st Sept, have only managed to line up schedules 5 times now, but he's a big texter - and he's text me every. single. day. since we matched. Every time we meet, the tone of the texts shifts a little. I know where he's been every day (he volunteers, I'm not asking!), and often have pictures etc. He has been sharing his life with me that way. 'Takes me with him' when he's on the road. So I feel like he's interested. But another echo - he asked me what I thought of tinder quite early on - but he said he didn't like it, he got rid of it. But yours 'doesn't take it seriously' - that sounds like my former FWB who called me out on updating pics (which I'd done to see if he was on there) but when challenged about how come he was on there said 'I'm not looking' - well why are you there then? It's like a weird hobby with some guys, just idle swiping. That would make me anxious. Always idly scouting. I'd call this as he's interested in casual. he likes you, for sure; but he's not thinking serious right now. Mainly because he's not making sure there's no room for someone else to snap you up.
schlumpy Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 I think he just doesn't like using the phone to text. Maybe his fingers are too big or it's a coordination problem. Think of typists on a keyboard. I've seen people with spider like quickness do 90 words a minute without a mistake and then there are the one finger people that take hours to perform the same task. That could be all it is. You need a better system of measurement for his intentions then the length of the post. I think I would concentrate on his enthusiasm for meet-ups and what he willing to do to make those happen.
Author notthatintome Posted October 31, 2019 Author Posted October 31, 2019 This is what i don't understand about him - he is willing to travel up to 3 hours to see me but finds it difficult to send a text. I think he initially wanted a small fling because of the distance but i made it clear this wasn't going to happen. If it was casual then he wouldn't have bothered to meet up (and this meet up had no potential for anything to happen). He arranged the place; if it was casual then he would have suggested his place, or somewhere near to mine. I was really reserved on the date and even wore clothes that showed there was not a hope in hell that it was going to be FWB He didn't even try to make it anything else (i was relieved). He then messaged after the date. What i do know is i am drawn to him and would like to see him again but I am also very cautious - I don't want to get into something where someone doesn't think i'm worth it or feels lukewarm about me. I'm just not sure. But I also know a guy will snap up a woman who he really likes and he definitely isn't doing this - he is very good looking and it seems like he has never had to work hard for female attention. My longest relationship i knew straight away we were meant to be together - it just fit. But years and years later we split. My chaotic relationship - was long distance and he messaged me everyday and I felt i was with him and that he loved me but Jennifer, Alison and Sue were with him too Now I don't know what is right and normal?! I'm not short on offers and know what it is like to be pursued by men but i never like them! I always seem to like men that offer a challenge and I need to change this. All i know is I suck at this
Author notthatintome Posted October 31, 2019 Author Posted October 31, 2019 I think he just doesn't like using the phone to text. Maybe his fingers are too big or it's a coordination problem. Think of typists on a keyboard. I've seen people with spider like quickness do 90 words a minute without a mistake and then there are the one finger people that take hours to perform the same task. That could be all it is. You need a better system of measurement for his intentions then the length of the post. I think I would concentrate on his enthusiasm for meet-ups and what he willing to do to make those happen. This makes me feel a little better...I think you're right, actions speak louder than words. I trust them more.
d0nnivain Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 He said that we live too far apart for anything to happen Can anyone shed any light on this? You still live too far apart. He was happy enough to have dinner when you were in the area but he has no interest in what he considers an LDR. Part of your problem is what you said. You like the ones who are a challenge & don't care for the ones who pursue you. I was like that in my 20s. Stop making it about the chase & start making it about the person. 2
stillafool Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 i agree. If you only go for guys who are in high demand that you have to chase you will be frustrated for a long time. Good looking guys who are used to getting a lot of girls are not going to put in much effort because ( like good looking women) they don't have to. However they are human and when they meet someone who blows their mind they will do the chasing. Try dating guys who are eager to pursue you.
Author notthatintome Posted October 31, 2019 Author Posted October 31, 2019 i agree. If you only go for guys who are in high demand that you have to chase you will be frustrated for a long time. Good looking guys who are used to getting a lot of girls are not going to put in much effort because ( like good looking women) they don't have to. However they are human and when they meet someone who blows their mind they will do the chasing. Try dating guys who are eager to pursue you. I don't think I have chased this one. I think we have matched in our approach - he is not overly chasing and neither am I. There is no 'blowing of anyones mind' on both sides but I am intrigued and drawn to him; I am also very cautious and will not jump into something that is going to be frustrating/painful/ etc. I can only imagine he feels the same but you never know. I am just going to sit back and see how it pans out. I'm not invested but I haven't checked out either. It has got to that point with me that I don't know what is right. When they have blown my mind, it has always ended up being chaotic, horrible resulting in a bad break up. If its right do you just feel it? Or does it take time to grow? Every guy i have dated etc recently have always stayed in contact as just friends. It has mostly been a mutual attraction but there was something not right and we both felt it. I am gathering lots of friends but no boyfriend. Maybe I am the cool friend but not the person who blows someones mind. I would like to be the person who blows someones mind! The last person i was seeing, which was more like FWB - we did try but it lacked something. He went onto date a girl who was not very attractive but he saw something very special in her and fell head over heels. We have remained friends and catch up frequently but I am never 'that girl/woman' for anyone recently. Well, except for the ones who i don't like
smackie9 Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 He's not going to put in tremendous effort if you were lukewarm on that date. Got to reel them in with flirty conversation, and light touch, big smile. 1
Author notthatintome Posted October 31, 2019 Author Posted October 31, 2019 He has just messaged... Ok, I have got this... flirty, fun...be normal 3
Versacehottie Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 I agree with donnivain. Nothing has changed in the biggest obstacle in that you live very far (too far in his opinion) to date. I would take any contact with a grain of salt and in a very casual way. Who knows what the future holds or if you are in proximity and don't mind casual then sure why not meet up? I don't think it will go anywhere serious unless the distance changes though. Good luck
preraph Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 Someone who doesn't do chitchat texting just means they have a job and are busy. It's a good thing. Stop asking him and see if he asks you.
introverted1 Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 This is what i don't understand about him - he is willing to travel up to 3 hours to see me but finds it difficult to send a text. Has he actually traveled to see you or has he just said he would at some future, undefined date? If he's actually made the trip or has firm plans, that could be an indicator of interest. But just saying he will make the trip "someday" means nothing. Actions > words.
Author notthatintome Posted October 31, 2019 Author Posted October 31, 2019 I can't thank you all enough! Always such good advice on here for me, who is completely useless at dating. So I realised I was being lukewarm and not giving off enough so I approached it differently with the last set of messages. He were messaging quite a bit back and forth and I kept it light, fun and a little flirty (something I hadn't done before) and now we have a date for when he will come and see me! Long term - who knows - the distance is a factor. But for now I am happy because I don't feel completely useless when it comes to this! 3
smackie9 Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 Like I always say, ya gotta throw them a bone once in awhile.
mortensorchid Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 I'm not too fond of this, here's why... 1) Your first meeting - He had to travel a certain distance to see you, plus he didn't give a hug or at least a handshake at the end of the evening. When this happens, I feel like the man is socially awkward or not too interested in you that way. I have also had guys just walk away from me after an OLD, THAT tells me he is definitely not interested in me but that is an extreme. 2) Texting - If you haven't heard from him within 48 hours after the first get together, you will not hear from him again. He might call/text a few days later, you might have a second get together with him, bit he doesn't really care if you say yes or no. Also a bad sign if he is texting you only through the dating app or social media, especially when you gave him your number to text or call directly. 3) Unlimited texting - No matter how he is contacting you, if he doesn't even mention that he would like to see you again, chances are he sees you as a texting friend. If that's the case, don't waste time with time wasters. Keep your options open.
Author notthatintome Posted November 1, 2019 Author Posted November 1, 2019 I'm not too fond of this, here's why... 1) Your first meeting - He had to travel a certain distance to see you, plus he didn't give a hug or at least a handshake at the end of the evening. When this happens, I feel like the man is socially awkward or not too interested in you that way. I have also had guys just walk away from me after an OLD, THAT tells me he is definitely not interested in me but that is an extreme. 2) Texting - If you haven't heard from him within 48 hours after the first get together, you will not hear from him again. He might call/text a few days later, you might have a second get together with him, bit he doesn't really care if you say yes or no. Also a bad sign if he is texting you only through the dating app or social media, especially when you gave him your number to text or call directly. 3) Unlimited texting - No matter how he is contacting you, if he doesn't even mention that he would like to see you again, chances are he sees you as a texting friend. If that's the case, don't waste time with time wasters. Keep your options open. 1. I think the lack of hug was my part... I really give off a cool vibe when I first meet someone. Everyone I have dated thinks I don't like them to start off with. This is mainly because I feel overwhelmed. I think I gave it off more than ever with him as I was trying to figure him out and how I felt about him. 2. I heart from him the same night and the next day. Its just that his text messages were few and short but they were daily. 3. He did ask to see me again Now I stressing out that if he travels all the way to see me, will he expect more from me? It's freaking me out as I'm not ready to give it to him yet. How can I bring this up beforehand so he is clear without killing the romance too much?
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