2much4 Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 Today I have realised one of my major blind spots in dating. I have never been married or have had any relationship of over a few years (I'm not super old so it's nothing to worry about). Somehow I have noticed if someone has been married before or has had very long relationships I somehow assume they must possess all kinds of great relationship qualities....and then end up being taken completely aback when I realise they have anger issues, are emotionally unavailable, have bad communication and conflict resolution skills, are cheaters....list goes on. I then spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if they've always been that way or if it's my fault their assumed great qualities suddenly disappeared. In my mind it's like: if someone tolerated them for so long surely they can't be that bad? I then end up wasting time with people I'm quite unhappy with. Any advice, especially from more mature people out there?
stillafool Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 Well when you think about it these people wouldn't be divorced or out of their long range relationship unless there were problems, right? So, obviously there were problems that lead to the break up. This is where cheating, abuse, anger issues, etc., come into play. No one is perfect so you just have to take your time and ask questions before you date. It's pretty easy to tell who is emotionally unavailable early on and those people usually don't want long term relationships.
Legatus Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 Never assume it's your fault. More likely than not it has nothing to do with you. If they had problems in past relationships and they've been seen by you or mentioned by them, I think you shouldn't judge straight away but be wary. If you become uncomfortable you should remove yourself from situation that rendered your feelings that way. Just because somebody put up with some bad behaviour it doesn't mean you should. Perhaps they were too attached to see a cheater for who they were. Probably if you ask them they would tell you they wasted a long time trying to repair or see something that wasn't there. Despite all that, as long as you give somebody a chance to see their true self, but be on your toes when you see a red flag, then you'll be fine.. 1
chillii Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 Very complex at times with many things coming into play. often the person that actually wants the divorce can be at more fault or another for 50 reasons why a couple don't work out. Often people just didn't get along or changed , often the wrong person brings out things in us that aren't us at all, and on and on it can go. Marriage can be bloody hard not married people couldn't even imagine, especially once kids and life come into it all. People could say about you , you've never been married , doesn;t sound like there were any really long relationship either , must be something wrong, you got issues. So it's all a very subjective thing if you ask me and about the individual . l mean often yeah you can see in people why this or that and issues,as someone already said , some things yeah are very easily spotted and obvious. But at times to there's reasons for stuff too or others they're great but later on stuff comes out. Tricky business
GoreSP Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 Well when you think about it these people wouldn't be divorced or out of their long range relationship unless there were problems, right? So, obviously there were problems that lead to the break up. This is where cheating, abuse, anger issues, etc., come into play. No one is perfect so you just have to take your time and ask questions before you date. It's pretty easy to tell who is emotionally unavailable early on and those people usually don't want long term relationships. Excellent point, but you can't ignore the fact that some people end up divorced because their partner were the problem... That being said, my suggestion for OP is to have solid boundaries and don't be afraid to enforce them. If you can't have a conversations about you needs with your partner, the relationship is never going to be healthy. People with actual personality disorders like NPD or psychopathy/sociopathy are a minority. People cheat, abuse and have anger issues because those behaviours have been tolerated and enabled by so many people in their lives that they never felt the need to be better and learned how to get their way. Personally, I've decided to not date and get pets
Blind-Sided Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 (edited) This is not an easy subject, because when you meet someone... you don't know who they are until you are with them for a little while. Also... from someone on the other side of you (just out of a long relationship) I see someone that was never married as a small red flag. Not a stopper, but a question of why? (just somthing to consider) OK, like I said... everything is subjective. When my ex walked out on me, she said I was angry, and violent. Do I get mad... Sure I do, everyone does. Am I violent... NO !!! In this case, she "Put up with me" for 20 years... but since my kids don't see it, my friends don't see it, most of my neighbors don't see it, and my criminal record, and my kid's medical records show that it's not the case. So, is it the truth? I guess it depends what side of the lens you are on. It's what the ex saw (or at least used as her excuse) but on a "Legal" definition... not even close. From my side... the ex has simply gone nutz. I'm guessing her next man is going to have a handful. FYI... she's the one the pushed for the divorce, and didn't want to work on trying to fix it. As you can see... it's too hard to know what the truth is. Reflecting on a comment above from GoreSP... I'm guessing when you are looking at someone who has been in a long relationship... maybe a good question would be... who filed? It's not a solid indicator, but after reading a bunch of things here over the last year... seems like the person who filed is the person with issues. The emotionally unavailable is the hard one to pick out. After a long relationship, those people are ready to move on, and want to have a partner... but they may not even know themselves that they have emotional issues until they are in a new relationship. I, myself feel I'm over my ex (because of her cruelty, and lies used to end it) but once I'm in a new relationship, I may start to have longing because my next relationship may not do things the way I'm use too, or maybe, I start comparing. I simply don't know yet... and won't until I'm in that position. Anyway... don't give up, you will find someone right for you. Edited October 31, 2019 by Blind-Sided
ChatroomHero Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 If they have been married before or in long term relationships and you assume that means they must be relationship material, you're missing the obvious. The only thing you really know is that they failed at relationships in their past. I know a lot of people that can't be alone and jump into relationships the first chance they get with people that they get along with like oil and water. I know people that haven't had long term relationships that are picky and want someone that works with them and they are great people that just aren't going to make a long term commitment with someone they know it won't work with in the long run. You should treat them the same. See who they are and how they are and don't assign bonus points because one guy had a failed marriage. Chances are that guy either made a bad choice or is bad in relationships. Again, that is all you really know. Just because a guy shows that he has 'committed' in the past isn't a good thing. And if someone hasn't 'committed' in the past, it's not necessarily a bad thing. They may be smart and looking for someone that it will work and not just the next warm body to come along and fill the space.
d0nnivain Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 Change your underlying assumptions. You assume that somebody who has been married before is a good catch. In my 20s I assumed that somebody who had been married before was a bad relationship prospect because they got married too young (impatient / impulsive) & couldn't make it work (lack of fortitude & willingness to honor vows). Judging certain behaviors on the past is probably valid. People who cheated on multiple past partners will probably cheat on you. People who have criminal records should be viewed with additional scrutiny to see if they have learned from what happened or if it's a lifestyle choice. Whether their past relationships make them a good prospect for you to date is not a valid assessment because you are missing an important piece of info: knowledge about their past partner. Without that you can't use past relationship status to screen for compatibility accurately.
smackie9 Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 Sounds like you are using online dating sites to find dates.
kendahke Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 People gravitate towards others for a myriad of reasons... it's all about chemistry working between the two and past life experiences that made them who they are today. Some people have no tolerance for silliness in a relationship--others have the patience of Job on relationship silliness. Depends upon which camp one finds themselves in. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 There are people who stay together in all kinds of crazy relationships where neither partner has worked on their issues. You think everyone who has been in a job a certain amount of time therefore loves that job? ... or is therefore great at that job? Gets along with others in that job? In the best of marriages, people haven't worked through all their emotional issues ... We are human! .... Same applies to single people ... single-married has nothing to do with it.' You should assume everyone has issues ... everyone! ... You want to find out what your person's issues are ... and honestly think about whether you can deal with their set of issues ... and you want to find someone who is aware of enough to limit the damage their issues would cause in a relationship. BTW: there is a ton of a rage inside of marriages. Marriages go through betrayals and inequities ... there are mother-in-laws who mistreat son and daughter in laws ... there are money conflicts ... sexism ... and unbalanced gender roles ... Petty meanness ... cheating ... some people hang in there through their rage ... hoping it dies down ... doesn't mean the rage is gone. You do know, I assume, that when someone is killed, the first person police look for ... they literally start there ... is the spouse? Plus, there's lingering pain from childhood ... abuse in childhood or simple mistreatment ... none of that goes away upon signing a marriage license. People have to concertedly work on their issues for them to go away. 2
basil67 Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 I agree with what everyone else has said. My only caveat being that you're also finding people who are good people but simply aren't a match for you. Because if you're only finding bad people, then you also have to look at what you are doing.
MountainGirl111 Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 The say past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior....that's not always true, though. Some people stay in bad marriages much longer than they should...either they put up with a bad spouse or they were a bad spouse or they just weren't honest enough to call the relationship what it really was: bad. But hey, I do give people credit for trying to save marriages especially when there's kids involved and when there is not abuse involved. I've known marriages that have endured for decades and everyone around them could see they were bad marriages, and wondered why in the world they wound't get a divorce....and then I've known of people who were married for 20 plus years and finally got divorced but kicked themselves for not setting one another free much sooner to be able to move onto better relationships. So I guess i'd have to say the longevity of past relationships doesn't tell the whole story. Not only in relationships, but just in life....you are going to get burned a time or two....what matters is how you RECOVER from it and somehow take a lesson and carry it forward.....you'll develop a gut feel for things....when you're not sure what to do...what road to take....do listen to your gut....though I'm not saying the gut is always right....just because you listen to your gut doesn't mean you should automatically follow your gut....but do take it into consideration.... 1
preraph Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 I never made any assumptions based on that stuff when I was young and dating. The main vibe I got from most guys I was around or had flings with or dated was some were cheating, of course, with no intention on leaving (you'd find that out later, seeing them with the same woman). But then a lot of them were just outgrowing their relationships and just becoming their own person and seemed destined to get single one way or the other. Growing apart just from maturing. So I never marked anyone down for that. I certainly never thought someone was more mature because they were or had been married, because I think the opposite was true a lot of times (codependent sort of). But once people get a little older, it's a little easier to find meaning in their pattern. 2
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