willnotdoit Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 (edited) Some differences between the guy and I - I'm 23, he's 21 - I'm at University and he's doing an apprenticeship - While he moved to the country I am in when he was young, and he hasn't done a whole lot of travelling however I have. I met this guy out on the weekend, and it was almost instantaneous attraction/chemistry. He came over to me and told me how attractive I was. We ended up sitting on the ground and talking for a few hours, which started off as a general chit chat. I'm not sure if the fact that I'm a highly sexual being put that tone out to him immediately as well. As we were originally dancing and I leaned in for a kiss. Also when he asked me to go home with him, I said in another way of saying "sex?" and he said yes. I believe we asked each other if we're single, he told me that he was a few months out of a serious relationship which ended badly. When he first asked if I'm single, I jokingly said I was in a relationship. When we got back to his, I got a phone call from a guy which he saw and I think he asked along the lines of "Are you really in a relationship?" We spoke about mutual friends and how we actually went to the same primary school. We had a fair bit in common and he told me that he liked my personality. Then the compliments starting coming in, he told me that I must be smart for what I’m studying, that I’m out of his league and questioning why would I want to spend time with him. He could tell that I was attracted to him however so he asked if I would like to come home with him or otherwise offered we meet the next day. I decided to go home with him, in the taxi and when we had to run into a store (for condoms and both of our lips were so dry, we had to get some chap stick), we couldn’t keep our eyes off each other and smiling ear to ear. When we got back to his, he offered me a drink and something to eat. We then watched some tv, and he was amazed that I liked the same YouTubers as me, said I have a good sense of humour and again, that he likes my personality. We ended up getting intimate, and he couldn’t stop telling me how sexually attractive I was. He also told me that I was the best lay he’s ever had, that it’s like being with a porn star and that he’s only slept with a few girls and those girls were his ex’s so he jokingly told me that I should feel lucky. He got the general understanding that I’ve slept around quite a bit. He mentioned his previous girlfriends barely ever gave oral. One of his friends called him, he picked up the phone and jokingly said that he was spending time with the missus (to his friend, regarding me), he told me afterwards how pretty I am. We ended up having a fairly fun night in sort of getting to know each other and sort of playing around – I’m sure you get the gist. A lot of flirting with each other, kissing and being affectionate. He was also asking me questions such as do I get treated nicely by men. After we were being intimate, we layed there for a bit, something came up and I asked him how he's enjoying being single. He said it's okay but he prefers being in a relationship if he loves the girl. I do find it a bit weird how after we had done everything, he asked if I wanted to go out to a club with him with his friends, but I think he was semi-joking. At one point he sort of rolled over on his stomach and I noticed something on his back and I was like "Is that a pimple?" and went to try and squeeze it, he laughed and said "We're moving too fast" The next morning, he offered to drop me home; however, I declined. He also gave me some of his clothes that he claims he doesn’t wear, to wear home instead of the dress I had. From memory, I don’t think I gave him my number however, he has me on social media. I asked him how would he like me to give the clothing back, and he said he would message me. I haven’t heard from him since Saturday evening (when we first met), essentially Sunday. He's been watching my Instagram stories and I noticed one his male friends did but that's it. What is your take on this? I’m interested in the guy however I’m completely aware it may just be sexually charged. Edited October 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs
notthatintome Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 (edited) My take on this is it's just a fling and not going anywhere. The most you will ever achieve is a FWB with this guy. Clues: He is just out of a relationship and probably isn't looking for anything serious. He likened you were a porn star (no one wants to date/have a relationship with a porn star) He wanted to go out again after he had sex with you instead of spending time with you. He didn't ask for your number. He gave you clothes that he didn't care if he saw them again. Guys say lovely things when they want to sleep with a woman and after so they don't feel bad. He probably meant those things in the moment but you are not girlfriend material for him. The only way you would have been if you didn't sleep with him straight away. If he liked you then he would have messaged but he didn't. He probably still fancies you and would like to hook up again but that would be it with this guy. If you are looking for a relationship you will need to change your approach - get a guy to work for you, don't hand it out so easily on a plate. Edited October 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator fixed spacing 1
stillafool Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 ^^^^This. I couldn't agree more. He did not use you as you seemed more interested in having sex than he did. I don't understand how you think you were used. I think it wasn't even a fling but a hook up and now it's over. If you got what you wanted out of that situation, fine; but if you are wanting more I doubt very much it's going to happen with this guy. 1
Author willnotdoit Posted October 31, 2019 Author Posted October 31, 2019 Thank you for your replies! I noticed he just unfollowed a bunch of girls on Instagram and I was one of them. He seems pretty immature anyway and it's like he wants me to be affected by it.. goodbye. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he comes up with some lie saying his ex went through his Instagram and did a clean out. 1
stillafool Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 (edited) How he he immature? Now that he's unfollowed you, you shouldn't talk to him to hear any lies that may come your way. It's over. Edited October 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
ExpatInItaly Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 I agree with the others, it was just a fling. I don't see why you should assume he wants you to be affected by unfollowing you online, though. Without meaning to sound rude, I think you're over-estimating your importance to him, in this regard. Perhaps he and his ex are trying to work things out and he's deleting all the flings he met since the break-up or some such thing. Either way, I wouldn't give it another thought. It was a night of fun in which you were a willing participant. He didn't use you any more than you used him. 3
d0nnivain Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 You set the tone & the pace for your encounter. He went along with it because . . .well, why wouldn't he? You have a certain view of the world & enjoy it's carnal pleasures. He doesn't share that philosophy, having a more sheltered experience to date. Sure he liked it well enough to partake of what you were offering but you move at too fast a pace for him. He either assumed you'd get bored quickly & dump him or he doesn't view you as relationship material. He told you he likes relationships & being in love. You are entitled to live your life anyway you like but you have to understand that other people are allowed to disagree with your choices. That doesn't make your approach invalid. It's just wrong for him. He doesn't want the clothes back. But they do give you an excuse to reach out. You know where he lives so bundle them up & drop them off with a note that includes your phone #. He may not respond but since you are interested in him at you know you will have tried. 1
Author willnotdoit Posted October 31, 2019 Author Posted October 31, 2019 I wonder if he's mad because I put up an Instagram story last night with another guy?
Author willnotdoit Posted October 31, 2019 Author Posted October 31, 2019 You set the tone & the pace for your encounter. He went along with it because . . .well, why wouldn't he? You have a certain view of the world & enjoy it's carnal pleasures. He doesn't share that philosophy, having a more sheltered experience to date. Sure he liked it well enough to partake of what you were offering but you move at too fast a pace for him. He either assumed you'd get bored quickly & dump him or he doesn't view you as relationship material. He told you he likes relationships & being in love. You are entitled to live your life anyway you like but you have to understand that other people are allowed to disagree with your choices. That doesn't make your approach invalid. It's just wrong for him. He doesn't want the clothes back. But they do give you an excuse to reach out. You know where he lives so bundle them up & drop them off with a note that includes your phone #. He may not respond but since you are interested in him at you know you will have tried. I appreciate your advice, I thought of doing that as well. It feels odd and I would like to think I'm a kind enough individual to drop his clothing back as it would feel weird for me to hold onto.
d0nnivain Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 The IG story about the other guy didn't help. This guy is about relationships. Everything you have done & said gives him the impression that you are more about Hit it & Quit it. If you want a relationship with him you are going to have to spell it out & dispel the impression he currently holds about you 2
stillafool Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 I wonder if he's mad because I put up an Instagram story last night with another guy? If so, why would the other girls be unfollowed as well? He was just cleaning up. I think you need to forget him because if he wanted to see you again he would have at least asked for your phone number.
Author willnotdoit Posted October 31, 2019 Author Posted October 31, 2019 If so, why would the other girls be unfollowed as well? He was just cleaning up. I think you need to forget him because if he wanted to see you again he would have at least asked for your phone number. I agree. I'm not excusing it nor am I oblivious to what it really is. There's a possibility as that because we like the same comedian, I followed a hashtag today called "the unfollowing" where it's essentially about chicks who act like hookers and we should stop giving them attention. Maybe he thought by unfollowing me and other girls, it's taking a passive-aggressive dig at me. I guess time will only tell.
notthatintome Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 I wonder if he's mad because I put up an Instagram story last night with another guy? This guy isn't interested in you. He liked what you offered that night and thought you were hot but that was it. For just one night. I am surprised you thought it would be anything more? Guys are interested until they have sex. Girls are interested after they have sex. This is a classic example of that. You are misjudging his interest by your own. You think he is upset because you posted a story of another guy. Firstly, what motivated you to do that? To capture his attention and make him jealous? It wouldn't work. Doing this would only confirm to him that you handed it out easily and that you get around. Please do not hand his stuff back - this will look like you are chasing him. He already said they were clothes to be binned, so do that. He didn't give you his nice clothes because he didn't want you to stick around. He didn't give you his number because he didn't want to see you again. He unfollowed you on instagram because he didn't want any more contact with you. He has moved on. I would leave this one alone. Hold on to the last bit of dignity you have and move on too. He has probably told his friends about your night of passion and this will implicate your reputation, especially if he has likened you to a porn star. You are worth more than this. Just learn from the experience and don't jump into bed with a guy too soon. Please leave this one alone and stop playing games, it'll be you who will end up being burnt. 2
stillafool Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 I followed a hashtag today called "the unfollowing" where it's essentially about chicks who act like hookers and we should stop giving them attention. Maybe he thought by unfollowing me and other girls, it's taking a passive-aggressive dig at me. I guess time will only tell. If this was so, how insulting to you and the other girls. Not very flattering at all.
d0nnivain Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 T Hold on to the last bit of dignity you have and move on too. He has probably told his friends about your night of passion and this will implicate your reputation, especially if he has likened you to a porn star. You are worth more than this. Just learn from the experience and don't jump into bed with a guy too soon. Please leave this one alone and stop playing games, it'll be you who will end up being burnt. She isn't playing games. She wanted sex & she went after what she wanted. She gets to do that. Brava for her. A woman can initiate a relationship with a man & still hold on to her dignity. Self respect includes owning your own choices. belladun isn't whining that her choice to have sex was invalid. She just doesn't understand why the guy isn't anxious to repeat the experience. The answer is he has a different view of the world. Both views are valid but they may be incompatible. The advice you offered reads like it came straight out of 1950. Any advice that relegates a woman to a secondary position where she is not allowed to live her life the way she want is retro at best & disenfranchising. 1
Author willnotdoit Posted October 31, 2019 Author Posted October 31, 2019 She isn't playing games. She wanted sex & she went after what she wanted. She gets to do that. Brava for her. A woman can initiate a relationship with a man & still hold on to her dignity. Self respect includes owning your own choices. belladun isn't whining that her choice to have sex was invalid. She just doesn't understand why the guy isn't anxious to repeat the experience. The answer is he has a different view of the world. Both views are valid but they may be incompatible. The advice you offered reads like it came straight out of 1950. Any advice that relegates a woman to a secondary position where she is not allowed to live her life the way she want is retro at best & disenfranchising. Thank you! I've listened to plenty of men that tell me that if a woman sleeps with a man on the first date, it shouldn't make a difference. It's only insecure men who might then see the woman as second class, thus, treating her 'badly' or 'different' 1
d0nnivain Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 It will make a difference to some men. It might have made a difference to this guy. In fact, I think it did. That doesn't make you wrong. It does make you & him incompatible. 2
stillafool Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 I agree with dOnnivain that you did nothing wrong as you are a grown woman and if you need sex you go after it. It's just this guy is not on the same page as you and is really not interested for whatever reason. I do think you should just chalk this one up and continue doing you.
Author willnotdoit Posted October 31, 2019 Author Posted October 31, 2019 I think we're all on the same page. Is there anything, any of you suggest I do? Do I message him asking for his address to return his clothing? Completely do a hiatus on the whole situation?
d0nnivain Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 You have 3 choices as far as I can tell: 1. Do nothing & write this off. 2. Message him but since he deleted you . . . I'm not optimistic. Then again, stranger things have happened & maybe you reaching out will be the reassurance he needs to believe that you are interested in him. 3. Wait & hope you bump into him. You obviously have some people in common which is how you ended up at the same place the 1st time. 4. Do what I said. Bundle up the clothes & return them, with a note that includes your phone #.
notthatintome Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 (edited) I agree with dOnnivain that you did nothing wrong as you are a grown woman and if you need sex you go after it. It's just this guy is not on the same page as you and is really not interested for whatever reason. I do think you should just chalk this one up and continue doing you. It is ok to have sex on a first date, heck I have done it myself and enjoyed it! But the difference is she is expecting more from this guy. She hasn't had a one night and owned it - she is expecting him to continue to be interested in her after that one night. She is stalking his social media, researching websites, writing on here and expecting him to care. He doesn't. And now she wants his address to send his clothes back, the same clothes he told her he didn't want back! He will freak if she finds out his address or even asks for it, I know i would!! The whole thing screams desperation for me...sorry. But hey we have all been there at some point. Game playing was more to do with putting a story on with another guy to get a reaction, nothing else. I did the same recently (slept with someone on a first date) It was fun and i don't regret it. Wea have remained friends but the relationship couldn't have gone any further as it was just one big sex fest - where could it have gone from there?! After I soon realised that I couldn't handle feeling used so vowed never to do it again. Edited November 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator fixed spacing 2
stillafool Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 I would just choose Option 1, and write it off and move on. You two are just not on the same page so what's the use. 1
stillafool Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 (edited) I did the same recently (slept with someone on a first date) It was fun and i don't regret it. Wea have remained friends but the relationship couldn't have gone any further as it was just one big sex fest - where could it have gone from there?! After I soon realised that I couldn't handle feeling used so vowed never to do it again. Yes I agree with you too. A lot of women are having casual sex on first dates or whatever, saying they don't want anything serious or just want casual but then are hurt that the guy doesn't want to see them again instead of moving on to another guy. Then comes the "he used me" speech when nothing could be further from the truth. They will have to live and learn as you did or start being honest with at least themselves that they are horny and want sex but are still looking to tie down a boyfriend. Edited November 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited 3
kendahke Posted October 31, 2019 Posted October 31, 2019 You weren't used. You enthusiastically participated in everything--you just didn't like the outcome you felt your investment should have produced. 2
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