blackcatbunny Posted October 30, 2019 Share Posted October 30, 2019 So I have been hooking up with this guy for a few months. We never dated but just agreed to have sex. He has been genuinely busy and we don’t see each other that often. But whenever we meet, we always keep it in the bedroom, like we never went out and never made plans other than plan to chill/hang out. I was once time sending him a message to ask if we can hang out without sex and being friends alongside with the benefit. He never really replied but he did mention he doesn’t have sex regularly and just his horny self is going away. We talked regularly as well. Long shot story, recently, we started going out and doing things together. Like we spent a long good time having more chat, wandering around and making plans doing things a few times. We’re both in to photography and it comes in handy that we can enjoy a long walk together and taking photos. It was really fun and I can tell he enjoyed the time with me! And 2 days ago, I sent him a message asking him if he want to have a day-out and also suggested something like a hook-up plan. It took him 2 days to reply as he said has was busy organizing stuffs for a weekend trip coming with his sport team. And he suggested we can go out tmr and take photos. About the hook-up, he said : “ Also, I think we’re better as just friends. That just seems to complicates things I think and I don’t wanna do that really ?” So apparently he turned the sex down, but made plan to actually do things together. It could be a good thing as I started developing feelings for him and sex is a horrible adding up in this situation when he doesn’t want anything serious. I’m a little confused as I understand he doesn’t want sex, but he still wants to hang-out. Does it mean he’s genuinely being nice/polite and want to end the fwb in a nice way or he actually wants to be friends ?*♀️ Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 30, 2019 Share Posted October 30, 2019 no guy turns down sex without a real reason, my guess is he is dating someone seriously or wants to date someone seriously.. it might be time to move on from this FWB 6 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted October 30, 2019 Share Posted October 30, 2019 Have you been exclusive with this guy the whole time you were seeing him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackcatbunny Posted October 30, 2019 Author Share Posted October 30, 2019 no guy turns down sex without a real reason, my guess is he is dating someone seriously or wants to date someone seriously.. it might be time to move on from this FWB I get ya. As I know he’s not seeing anyone atm. What confuses me is he said he doesn’t want to complicate things so he wants to stop having sex. But then he asked me if I want to have a day-out with him tmr. We have never been friends in the past. We matched on an app when I was looking for someone to have a threesome with me and my bf. We didn’t have a threesome And I broke up with my ex, the guy and I started hooking up since then and had never had intention of being friends or getting to know each other. Also, he always says that relationship is difficult and he’s not up for that. His longest relationship lasted for like 6 months ?*♀️ So I imagine he’s not interested in me as a partner but just a friend and really doesn’t want to complicate things. And now he suggested plan, does it mean he’s trying to be friends or get to know each other more. We’re having a plan of going out tomorrow lined up already... If so, should I still hang out with him as friends? Or he should be in the bin. What a shame that we get along well, he’s a very well-lid guy and we always have a good time together even the sex wasn’t exciting (mostly because we are usually very shy when it comes to sex and it was kinda awkward sometimes) Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackcatbunny Posted October 30, 2019 Author Share Posted October 30, 2019 Have you been exclusive with this guy the whole time you were seeing him? No, tbh I wasn’t. We talked about it and agreed that we can see other people and if the things between us end because of any reason, we’d be honest about it and we’d not be a dick or ghost on each other. So yea ~ I was kinda going on some dates, and there was one time, I did mention it to him that I hooked up with other guys. But we are not exclusive, and he was the one who said that We’re not exclusive and he’s seeing other people sometimes so I can do the same. He said it a long time ago thou, like after a month since we met. He said that because I complained about I couldn’t see him regularly, so he said that and told me that we could meet up once a week and it’s good for him. It was a few months ago! Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted October 30, 2019 Share Posted October 30, 2019 Art_Critic is correct. He's either dating someone else or has met someone he wants to date. If this guy had any romantic feelings for you whatsoever, he wouldn't have said "I think we're better just as friends." That is a bright and unambiguous sign that he's not into you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackcatbunny Posted October 30, 2019 Author Share Posted October 30, 2019 (edited) Art_Critic is correct. He's either dating someone else or has met someone he wants to date. If this guy had any romantic feelings for you whatsoever, he wouldn't have said "I think we're better just as friends." That is a bright and unambiguous sign that he's not into you. That seems to be double confusion to me because he could have just said no, and we can stop seeing each other. I’d not bother really, because I’m not looking for a relationship immediately. But why does he still make plan to see each other and do things?! The reason I suggested him to hang out without sex before because I don’t want him to thinking that I’m using him for sex, may be that was a signal of me kinda friend-zoned him first and now it backfired me :( Edited October 30, 2019 by blackcatbunny Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted October 30, 2019 Share Posted October 30, 2019 But why does he still make plan to see each other and do things?! ( He's being a nice guy. You might see him one or two more times, or hang out occasionally. I am sure he likes you as a person. It's not about you "friend-zoning" him first. He had every opportunity to tell you he wanted something more and he didn't. As it is, he doesn't, and you have to move on from this one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackcatbunny Posted October 30, 2019 Author Share Posted October 30, 2019 Ya. I get ya. That makes a lot of sense. I mean as I was being honest with him, I showed him that I’m having a lot of self problems. Especially, I haven’t really done sorting things out with my ex, and my fwb called me a coward about it all the time. I kinda a turn off I guess. It feels like I had a chance but I blew it off I guess Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackcatbunny Posted October 30, 2019 Author Share Posted October 30, 2019 Also, it’s better to call it off as we are slowly having a lot of mutual friends as we both hang out with the same group of people in town. It could be complicate that way I suppose! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 30, 2019 Share Posted October 30, 2019 He said the "let's be friend so it doesn't complicate things" because he now knows you are developing feelings for him by wanting to hang out. He doesn't have the same feelings for you so he knows it wouldn't be wise to hang out with you and have sex or you will get the wrong idea. After all, you were the one to bring up hanging out so he had to give you an answer. I don't mean to hurt your feelings but he never looked at you as a keeper because he knows you do threesomes with 2 guys and you also hook up with other guys. It was doubtful that he would move you up to gf level. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted October 30, 2019 Share Posted October 30, 2019 hanging out, doing things together, sharing experiences, talking, laughing, getting to know each other on a deeper level, having sex is, in many ways, a relationship. He already made it clear to you that he doesn't want one. He's letting you know that you can't have both and he's drawing a line in the sand. I would guess, you might hang out casually (without sex) a few more times but I'd bet hard money he will begin to pull away. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Inspire Posted November 4, 2019 Share Posted November 4, 2019 I agree. He probably senses that you're developing feelings for him. These types of arrangements peter out because there is generally no substance there. They're relationships of convenience filling a temporary void and nothing more. Eventually one of you will move on. Have fun, enjoy yourself but don't take it seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted November 4, 2019 Share Posted November 4, 2019 I'd take him at his word. He doesn't want to date you in a relationship and values your friendship more than the sex. Most people take being friendzoned as a step down but in this case it is probably a step up if that makes sense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted November 4, 2019 Share Posted November 4, 2019 I think he might be starting to develop some feelings himself, but for whatever reason (be it timing, fear of commitment or otherwise) he doesn't want to be in a relationship. But he still values your company so it was best for him to push things back to just being friends. If he says that relationships are difficult then he's probably not ready for one. Which would also suggest that he isn't seeing anyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted November 4, 2019 Share Posted November 4, 2019 I think he might be starting to develop some feelings himself, but for whatever reason (be it timing, fear of commitment or otherwise) he doesn't want to be in a relationship. Yea, ^ this. It started heading in the direction of more in that you were hanging out and enjoying each other's company... but you were also a) withholding sex (why I don't understand), b) schutping other guys and telling him, and c) still involved with your ex (whatever that means). Hell, I don't blame him –– I'd be thinking, man this is waaaay complicated. If he was starting to have feelings, his self-preservation instincts probably blew a fuse. It's difficult to start thinking of someone that way while knowing that you're just one of several she's doing... plus wondering how long it had been since the last one finished. It's all just so incongruent. As someone said, no guy with testicles is going to turn down sex... unless something is really upside down, or he has better options. If I were you, and assuming that you're interested in him, talk to him and see if he thinks it's possible if things were straight and simple. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackcatbunny Posted November 5, 2019 Author Share Posted November 5, 2019 I think he might be starting to develop some feelings himself, but for whatever reason (be it timing, fear of commitment or otherwise) he doesn't want to be in a relationship. But he still values your company so it was best for him to push things back to just being friends. If he says that relationships are difficult then he's probably not ready for one. Which would also suggest that he isn't seeing anyone else. I genuinely think that he is not seeing anyone else, at least like the way we’re doing. He has been telling me more about his life, what he’s up to and sharing more about himself. So, since the day I posted this topic. We went out and it feels like a proper date. He enjoyed it a lot, not like just being nice. I can sense his vibe and the way he looked at me. Also, last weekend, he went out on a trip with me, my housemates and everything was cool as he really cared about it when I’m around. Showing more of his personality around people. So I guess that I should just give it sometimes to see if it’s a proper feeling or just a fling and see how things go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackcatbunny Posted November 5, 2019 Author Share Posted November 5, 2019 Yea, ^ this. It started heading in the direction of more in that you were hanging out and enjoying each other's company... but you were also a) withholding sex (why I don't understand), b) schutping other guys and telling him, and c) still involved with your ex (whatever that means). Hell, I don't blame him –– I'd be thinking, man this is waaaay complicated. If he was starting to have feelings, his self-preservation instincts probably blew a fuse. It's difficult to start thinking of someone that way while knowing that you're just one of several she's doing... plus wondering how long it had been since the last one finished. It's all just so incongruent. As someone said, no guy with testicles is going to turn down sex... unless something is really upside down, or he has better options. If I were you, and assuming that you're interested in him, talk to him and see if he thinks it's possible if things were straight and simple. I totally get ya. Like from beginning, I didn’t expect that we would be in this situation so I was pretty open about sharing about other things going on. He has always acted like it’s cool so I kinda putting my guard down. But man, it does sound too complicated! anyhow, I already moved on from my last relationship (we were together for 3 years) and also I stopped seeing other people, I’m not even using dating app and he doesn’t, either. I will keep calm for a bit and see how it actually feels being around him for a while. If I do have proper feeling for him, I’ll let him know. Because if it’s just a fling then there’s no point to mess the friendship up! Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackcatbunny Posted November 5, 2019 Author Share Posted November 5, 2019 Yea, ^ this. It started heading in the direction of more in that you were hanging out and enjoying each other's company... but you were also a) withholding sex (why I don't understand), b) schutping other guys and telling him, and c) still involved with your ex (whatever that means). Hell, I don't blame him –– I'd be thinking, man this is waaaay complicated. If he was starting to have feelings, his self-preservation instincts probably blew a fuse. It's difficult to start thinking of someone that way while knowing that you're just one of several she's doing... plus wondering how long it had been since the last one finished. It's all just so incongruent. As someone said, no guy with testicles is going to turn down sex... unless something is really upside down, or he has better options. If I were you, and assuming that you're interested in him, talk to him and see if he thinks it's possible if things were straight and simple. And you’re right, he did say that relationship is difficult. He hasn’t had much of a proper relationship and his longest one lasted 6 months, he was saying that he’s that type of guy who doesn’t care much, and usually doesn’t give a **** about a lot of things. His life is also very interesting in a way with his hobbies and stuff so I think he doesn’t have the rush to be in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 I know it seems like a good development to you, but it happened after he told you he thinks you're better off just as friends. It may have felt like a date to you, but it didn't to him. Part of the reason he felt so comfortable and natural was because he thought you guys had reached an understanding. He is assuming that you're friends. You have to operate from that baseline unless he tells you otherwise. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackcatbunny Posted November 5, 2019 Author Share Posted November 5, 2019 I know it seems like a good development to you, but it happened after he told you he thinks you're better off just as friends. It may have felt like a date to you, but it didn't to him. Part of the reason he felt so comfortable and natural was because he thought you guys had reached an understanding. He is assuming that you're friends. You have to operate from that baseline unless he tells you otherwise. I am aware of that really. But also, I looked at the way he treats other friends and himself being around other people, it’s just different. May be he doesn’t like me as a romance but he actually pays more attention and care about me so. And one thing which also confuses me a lot that, he seems to be curious and ask more about my other guy friends whenever he sees things about them! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 (edited) He does care about you and he does like you. He's your friend; that's what friends do. But at this point you are reading too deeply into anything and everything he does scouring for hints that he is romantically into you (despite his insistence to the contrary). You are slipping into full-blown denial about your relationship, and instead you're spinning up all kinds of justifications for why he doesn't want to be with you, not to mention all the fantasies about when you'll just be hanging out and then he touches you in a certain way or sees you in a particular dress and he'll realize he's wanted you all along... I know it when I see it. In the years before I was married I spent way too long doing the same thing. Personally I suggest you limit your contact with this guy as much as possible and start looking for men who actually want to be with you on a romantic level. If this guy changes his mind, he knows how to get in touch. But as it is you're getting addicted to every interaction and that's just putting you deeper in the hole. Edited November 5, 2019 by lana-banana 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 And one thing which also confuses me a lot that, he seems to be curious and ask more about my other guy friends whenever he sees things about them! Guys being jealous is just guys being jealous. It doesn't mean he cares, he just doesn't want other guys steaming in to his "property". Many guys in fwb arrangements are playing the field and not caring a jot, but they don't want the women the are having sex with to be having sex with anyone else... It is a mistake many women make, "He is jealous of other guys, he must care about me..." Wrong! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 It seems you like this guy and would want a relationship if it were on offer. The more scarce you are, the more he has to reconsider his feelings about you. It may be that he decides he is happy enough without you, but it could also go the other way ... Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted November 15, 2019 Share Posted November 15, 2019 no guy turns down sex without a real reason, my guess is he is dating someone seriously or wants to date someone seriously.. it might be time to move on from this FWB Depends on what you consider a real reason, but guys who have an engaging life and no problem getting sex live in an abundance mentality and don’t jump at or rearrange their lives for just any offer of sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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