Tamfana Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 I broke up with a guy last week and I still don’t know whether I should tell him why. He was pretty terrific overall but there were two 2 things that were negatives, he is shabby (faded frayed clothes that don't fit right, beat up old car with door handle falling off) and the kissing hurt. I was okay with the shabby part but the kissing was just appalling. Never in my life has a guy kissed so hard all the time that my lip was cut and my neck hurt. The first couple times we weren’t making out, just a few kisses, so the hard press seemed correctable with just some guidance. But the last time we made out and he relentlessly pushed so hard it hurt. I said “gentler” and he said “okay” but then just kept ramming his head against mine and jabbing his hardened tongue. I asked some friends and they all said don’t worry about it, he doesn’t care or he wouldn’t be so forceful. What do you think? Should I tell him his kissing hurts? He’s 56, married his HS sweetheart and she died 5 years ago, so I wonder whether he knows. He might not have enough experience to know. As for the shabbiness, he put four kids through college so I assume he's put his $ toward family, which is fine.
Gretchen12 Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 I've said goodbye to several bad kissers and never told them why. You can't be teaching them when they're already in their 50's. And maybe some other woman likes it his way. The last bad kisser I went out with was covering the entire lower half of my face with saliva. My face was wet the whole time and sticky. I just couldn't take it anymore. He was in his 60's and that's how he kissed all hs life. Why should he change? So I just figured it was a mismatch. 1
Mrin Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 Don't bother. Old dog, new tricks. I once gave a pass to a woman because she was a bad kisser. She was maybe 31 or 32 and kissed like Scooby Doo. Yeah... It was pretty bad. 1
Gaeta Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 Well, I told my bf when I met him to slow down his aggressive kissing style. It was too much to me. At the time he was an old dog of 48. He did exactly what I asked, he took example on me and in no time he became an amazing tender kisser. If you see any potential to this man then tell him. . 1
SumGuy Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 You tried to instruct him yet he couldn't or wouldn't adjust. That's a pretty negative sign right there. You are never too old to listen to your romantic partner and adjust, in fact listening and adjusting is part of the very essence of it. I'm low 50s and can tell you I always pay attention to feedback of all kinds. Certainly words but also body language, breathing, moans, that melting, heart rate, all of it...you are never to old to learn new tricks or just the trick. I think anyone can agree that it is not good if the kissing actually injures you, unless you are OK with such injury. 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 Kissing is HUGE for me so when it's bad, it's a problem. However, if this guy was indeed a great guy bad kissing aside, you might owe it to both of you to let him know and see if he wouldn't be open to tweaking things a bit. If he's been with one women for so many years, he probably doesn't have a clue what he's doing wrong. You can't fix what you don't know after all. 2
Legatus Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 Sometimes feedback hurt at first glance. He may not welcome it and get very defensive but why not tell him, perhaps he will realise that when somebody asks you to do something differently, you might end up regretting it if you don't adjust. I second the saying "You are never too old to learn".. and we do learn from each other. People shouldn't change? It's not about that but more about being able to adapt to your partner, right? 1
smackie9 Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 Door handle falling off? that would be enough for me to be saying goodbye lol. 2
kendahke Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 He’s 56, A 56 year old man should have had that locked down 40 years ago. 1
preraph Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 Don't mention the clothes, etc, as he did put kids first, but do just tell him that kissing him is painful and was cutting into you and remind him you did tell him and he kept doing it . Tell him he seems nice otherwise, but that this is going to be a dealbreaker and keep him from keeping women, so you are letting him know, and then block him. 1
elaine567 Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 If he's been with one women for so many years, he probably doesn't have a clue what he's doing wrong. He may not have kissed anyone in decades... His wife may have stopped the "passionate" kissing early doors... 2
kendahke Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 OP, are you his first relationship since his wife's passing? 1
preraph Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 Kissing is like riding a bike. You don't forget. Plus she TOLD him and he didn't even listen, so he needs to get it into his head and stop it or he's never going to find someone. 1
Author Tamfana Posted October 28, 2019 Author Posted October 28, 2019 OP, are you his first relationship since his wife's passing? Yeah. He is such a polite, fun, smart guy and I enjoyed our times together. I hope he finds someone who's a good fit.
preraph Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 And tell him penises should be hard, not tongues. 2
Rayce Posted October 29, 2019 Posted October 29, 2019 And tell him penises should be hard, not tongues. When I was a teenager there was this guy one time (once was all I could take) actually made me puke when he kissed me. Talk about embarrassing. lol... 2
RecentChange Posted October 29, 2019 Posted October 29, 2019 Here's the thing.... Kissing, and later sex - they are all about non verbal communication. The better the listener the better the experience. I thought I had encountered some bad kissers in my life - wow I guess not though compared to what ladies on this thread have described! What really jumps out at me is that he was completely tone deaf to your response. I am assuming you weren't pretending to really enjoy it but rather were giving him "this is uncomfortable OMG please do not kiss me like that" non verbal feed back - and I am also guessing he was doing all the "talking" (ie aggressive kissing) and absolutely no "listening" (paying attention to and searching for what your partner enjoys). The fact you literally had to tell him with words and he still did not get it - isn't a good sign in my book. Now, I have been with some - I guess you can't even say bad - but kissers that weren't quite my style. The attentive ones simply let me start leading the dance - and soon we were both enjoying ourselves. The ones that needed a bit more help - I have said "I like to be kissed like this- let me kiss you" - held their face and kissed them in the way that lights my fire. That has worked very well and he simply kissed me back in the same manner and passion. This... This sounds like the equivalent of having sex with a guy and having to say "stop that hurts" and having him blindly pound away. A conscientious lover will be paying attention and respond to your reactions. 3
beentheredonethat77 Posted October 29, 2019 Posted October 29, 2019 What you describe OP is EXACTLY how a guy kissed i dated (only got as far as a couple of dates for this exact reason). Id never experienced it before .. the 'hard' painful kissing..i'd had sloppy/clumsy but this was maybe worse. I did tell me (sort of) -- i texted him and said "i think im allergic to you! my lips are sore and swollen today from our kissing -- allergic reaction perhaps? lol -- then i said 'nah just kidding.. honestly i think the pressure was just way too much when you kissed me.. anyway i look like ive had bad lip fillers.. thanks .. haha!". -- So played it off as a joke.. THEN i ended it few days later.. i have zero doubt he gets why. 1
Author Tamfana Posted October 29, 2019 Author Posted October 29, 2019 Thanks for the replies. I will not tell him. The obliviousness to cues- and pretty obvious ones at that, like pulling my head back and telling him- is such a bad sign at this age. Such a pity. I liked so many things about him. C'est la vie. 1
fromheart Posted October 29, 2019 Posted October 29, 2019 (edited) This is sexual abuse, I would advise kneeing between the legs in this situation and then notifying the police. There can be a degree of mutually consented 'roughness,' between couples when they fully trust one another and enjoy it. In the heat of the moment, with BOTH enjoying, there certainly can be a love bite. But when you say no, if the other continues this becomes abuse. Edited October 29, 2019 by fromheart
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