Reasonably good date

[Trail Blazer]

The more I'm reading the more I'm convinced this was anything but a "reasonably good date."

[mark clemson]

...and that's the thing, this isn't equal, this is me being told I must pay for everything, buy everything, take to expensive places and what do I get for this? Nothing really to be honest, an extra obligation that seems to be the only thing I get.

 

 

Fair enough, it's your life, your choice. Yes, perhaps she is trying to be a sugar baby or looking for a "traditional gender roles" type relationship from what she said about the cooking, beautifying etc.

 

Some men would love that, but if it's not you, it's not you. I'm actually not the type to go for that sort of thing either.

[Calmandfocused]

ZA, usually I think that you’re too rigid.

 

However I don’t on this occasion.

 

Big red flag alert! She’s going to use you. Don’t do it.

 

If she can’t be flexible in the location, then she doesn’t want to see you again for you, she wants to see you again for her expensive dinner.

 

I’d bet my bottom dollar on her not wanting to pay half for this expensive excursion?

 

Don’t do it. She’s trying to take advantage of you. You may be able to afford it but that’s not the point.

[vla1120]

 

I see nothing wrong with telling her outright that you will not spend your hard-earned money at this overrated, pretentious place. Tell her she'll like the food much better at your suggested venue. If she is a genuine person, she'll appreciate and respect your stance and agree to go with you to another restaurant. But most importantly, give her a chance (although I had a red flag at her mention of her birthday coming up, as well, so go with your gut instinct leaning in the direction of giving her a fair chance, if at all possible!)

[ZA Dater]

I see nothing wrong with telling her outright that you will not spend your hard-earned money at this overrated, pretentious place. Tell her she'll like the food much better at your suggested venue. If she is a genuine person, she'll appreciate and respect your stance and agree to go with you to another restaurant. But most importantly, give her a chance (although I had a red flag at her mention of her birthday coming up, as well, so go with your gut instinct leaning in the direction of giving her a fair chance, if at all possible!)

 

I will change the venue and see what she says, if she is that inflexible then she isn't for me. I get a sense she is stuck with a very set idea in mind of what she thinks she is owed in some respects. Lets use the word I hate, entitlement.

 

My philosophy with people in general is to believe they are good until proven otherwise and to try and treat all people well. Look, she is quite pretty, much better than either of the two other dates I had recently, she doesn't have kids and she is super bogged down in baggage so there are good point but I just ask myself if I really need this. Maybe this sounds pathetic but I am just not seeing what is in this for me "a guy dates with the view of marrying" so she says and while I accept that might be true, its not true of me at this point in my life, it would perhaps be for someone I felt a genuine connection with, while we are alike in many ways I don't find myself desperate to set up the next date.

[basil67]

ZA, what has her prettiness got to do with anything?

[BaileyB]

ZA, what has her prettiness got to do with anything?

 

Everything. If she was hard to look at, he wouldn’t be considering another date when she is quite obviously a set in her opinions, very entitled personality...

 

Maybe this sounds pathetic but I am just not seeing what is in this for me

 

That’s the thing though. Why are you dating if you don’t know what you want - do you want some arm candy who looks good on your arm, do you want sex, do you want a life partner, do you want a wife? With respect, you say “I don’t need this in my life...” but you go on more first dates than anyone else on this site. If you don’t want to date, don’t want to find a partner, stop going on dates and posting very last detail of how you “have it a chance, but it just wasn’t right so you have decided it’s just not for you...”

[Trail Blazer]

but you go on more first dates than anyone else on this site.

His username is South African Dater so he's got to live up to the moniker.

[Flame Aura]

 

"If the man buys groceries I will cook for him" "him buying will allow me to save so I can study further or to beautify the space we share"

 

Again sort of says it all.

I would love if a girl said that to me.. and happily buy all the groceries for the rest of our lives if she always cooked it.

 

 

What do you think happens in a relationship? The man pays for most things, if not all. What do you get in return? Well if you have to ask... you get the one thing that men love.. and only women have. And all the other things that come with it.

[ZA Dater]

That’s the thing though. Why are you dating if you don’t know what you want - do you want some arm candy who looks good on your arm, do you want sex, do you want a life partner, do you want a wife? With respect, you say “I don’t need this in my life...” but you go on more first dates than anyone else on this site. If you don’t want to date, don’t want to find a partner, stop going on dates and posting very last detail of how you “have it a chance, but it just wasn’t right so you have decided it’s just not for you...”

 

A question I cant really answer hence me going on dates to try and answer that question. If I had to choose I would say I go on dates to be wowed to some degree but it also has been said with time this is becoming more difficult to find because I am more cynical than ever!

 

I think the problem really is I have an idea in mind which perhaps isn't realistic which means I end up chasing the impossible. In fact its easier to say what I don't want than what I do.

 

Maybe I am just being very difficult but I need to feel like I want to spend time with the person, get to know them, get involved in their life, support the decisions they make, listen to their ideas and comment, have them listen to my ideas and so on and so forth.

 

The main problem is I am not sold on the fact a relationship is considered superior to a friendship, this because the former has never happened for me and the whole charade of trying to find one has left me deeply cynical, whereas as from time to time I have managed to pull of the friendship thing on some shallow level, meaning its a friendship of convenience, which really works for me for the most part.

[5x5]

So ZA Dater, given your response above and that sex or anything close to it isn't a listed as a reason you are dating.

 

Why on earth are you bothering to date at all ever?

 

Since if you only want platonic relationships, you don't need to date anyone at all to find such relationships.

[BaileyB]

A question I cant really answer hence me going on dates to try and answer that question.

 

Like the university student who moves from program to program because they can’t decide what they want for their major, they end up having spent thousands of dollars, having acquired multiple degrees over a number of years, but never actually achieving gainful employment...

 

It begins by getting clear with yourself what you want. Otherwise, dating will be either fun or frustrating - depending on your attitude - but you will never get to your destination if you don’t have any direction or goal...

 

And, saying that you want the unattainable or that you don’t understand what makes a relationship better than a friendship is nothing more than arguing, for the sake of argument. Obviously, you want a relationship or your wouldn’t be dating. Whether you want the appearance of a woman by your side, sex, or the experience of being in an intimate relationship with a woman - that is unclear. But, you obviously seek something or you wouldn’t continue to seek dates all these women...

[ZA Dater]

And, saying that you want the unattainable or that you don’t understand what makes a relationship better than a friendship is nothing more than arguing, for the sake of argument. Obviously, you want a relationship or your wouldn’t be dating. Whether you want the appearance of a woman by your side, sex, or the experience of being in an intimate relationship with a woman - that is unclear. But, you obviously seek something or you wouldn’t continue to seek dates all these women...

 

In my eyes a relationship is basically a very complicated friendship and I think the problem is I need that friendship base and women aren't really interested in that seemingly so I go on dates to see if I can be friend zoned because arguably the benefits for me are great in being friend zoned than they are in being rejected.

 

Most of what you say is right though. What does not help is I don't have many examples around me of good relationships, almost everyday there is someone complaining about their partner, someone getting divorced, someone getting dumped, someone being rejected, to coin a phrase there is never a "good story to tell".

 

I have sort of decided to see this date again.

[preraph]

She's looking for a sugar daddy and you went along with it up to a point. She pointed out you pay to play very openly. My feeling is that you chose to overlook something in her profile or communications that told you this beforehand. Nothing to do with her baggage. She's a prostitute.

[ZA Dater]

She's looking for a sugar daddy and you went along with it up to a point. She pointed out you pay to play very openly. My feeling is that you chose to overlook something in her profile or communications that told you this beforehand. Nothing to do with her baggage. She's a prostitute.

 

I think you were partly right here. I think she simply wants to try and network her way to success. Problem is that doesn't really impress me that much, my friend think I am mad not to try and go out with here again, truth is she demanded birthday gifts and when I didn't supply the communication pretty much went dead. I then tried to take her to dinner and she was busy.

 

At the age of nearly 36 I am cant be bother with chasing these people. Fact is I feel a lot better from a dating point of view than I probably ever have, I have had some interactions with some decently attractive people and mostly I am still not sold on the whole dating idea. I thought it would be nice, and I am sure it would be with someone like K, who I actually feel something for but some 26yo trying to get ahead in life, not so much.

 

Possibly I will regret not chasing her but why should I chase her, she has done nothing to take any sort of interest in me. She refuses to compromise at all, what I really want is an equal someone who sees me as equal.

 

The stark truth is, sitting here I think about some of the amazing people I have met, models, business people, talented people, driven people, women who have the whole package, women who have interesting lives, women who can engage in an interesting conversation and perhaps I sound arrogant but anyone I meet will always be measure against them and the truth is that unfair but I tend live with the mantra of always trying to be better and I think when it comes to women I am probably unlikely to meet anyone to compare to the absolute best I have ever met.

 

For me now dating is simply about conversational fun, unless of course I meet someone who somehow wows me....

Edited November 11, 2019 by ZA Dater

[ZA Dater]

It begins by getting clear with yourself what you want. Otherwise, dating will be either fun or frustrating - depending on your attitude - but you will never get to your destination if you don’t have any direction or goal...

 

Obviously, you want a relationship or your wouldn’t be dating. Whether you want the appearance of a woman by your side, sex, or the experience of being in an intimate relationship with a woman - that is unclear. But, you obviously seek something or you wouldn’t continue to seek dates all these women...

 

 

 

I just want to be liked by someone I like and not have to buy that attraction, I want someone who is classy, motivated, ambitious, fairly grounded, well spoken, good looking, challenging, tolerant, honest, warm but most all I want them to make me feel something. Its that last feeling which is chase, I have only experienced it twice ever and its amazing.

[lakerman34]

Maybe, I just don't feel much to be honest, I guess this was a case of my own strategy being used with me on the receiving end. Sure we talked about things that matter to us, experiences we have had but I kept getting the sense she is just looking for expensive dinners and a step to greater things.

 

The "feeling butterflies" after a single date thing is overstated.

 

I know many happily married couples who had first dates that didn't go well, that claimed their first date was kind of boring, that stated it took years to be sure of their partners, etc.

 

Unless you genuinely did not like her, I'd go on the second date. This way you can at least gather data.

 

As a busy person myself, I KIND OF understand where she is coming from regarding her setting the date. Did she check to make sure it matched your schedule? I assume it did (because if it didn't you should have said "that doesn't work for me").

 

I say if it isn't horribly inconvenient, go, and you can judge if she's worth a 3rd date.

[lavenderandvelvet]

She is very pretty, petite, pretty face, great smile. She talks very easily, very detail orientated. She has a very old school view of dating whereby the guy must invest and then she will decide if she wants to be his girlfriend. Not really a problem per se.

 

The date was a coffee date but it ended up lasting 3 hours, it would have gone on longer had I not had another engagement to go to.

 

Body language was pretty good, got a proper hug at the end and apparently we are going to have date 2.

 

However, she is dictating where she wants date 2 to be and also what day and what time. I am less enthused by this, honestly she seems very inflexible. She is very determined career wise, I have accomplished some of what she wants to accomplish.

 

I somewhat share her view. I prefer that the guy pays the first couple of dates. If we go multiple places in a date, I want him to get the first one, I'll get the next place/2nd round/dessert.

 

It feels like when the guy doesn't pay, they aren't really that into you, for me at least.

 

Once it becomes a thing, I am totally fine going 50/50.

 

I think it is weird she has a very specific request. I will suggest somewhere else if the person picks a place with a crappy atmosphere. I wouldn't expect an expensive place at all. Of course I realize expensive is variable. My idea of "average" may be too pricey for some.

 

It seems weird, what you outlined, about only going to that one place and not other similar nice places.

 

She then ends the date telling me its her birthday in 3 weeks and she likes certain things.

This is weird to me, and seems a little gold digging.

[ZA Dater]

The "feeling butterflies" after a single date thing is overstated.

 

I know many happily married couples who had first dates that didn't go well, that claimed their first date was kind of boring, that stated it took years to be sure of their partners, etc.

Unless you genuinely did not like her, I'd go on the second date. This way you can at least gather data.

 

I say if it isn't horribly inconvenient, go, and you can judge if she's worth a 3rd date.

 

Here I differ substantially, for me that's a complete waste of time and it cuts both ways, if I take so long to be sure if you actually like the person then I'd wager you don't like the person to begin with and all time does is rationalise a choice which is one you didn't want to begin with. "Oh well its not that bad", unfortunately like you say LOTS of people do this and I know many that fall into this category.

 

Look I wont lie, she is looks wise substantially better than I normally get which isn't saying much as for whatever reason the largest people seem to find me the most attractive, quite how they think I am going to find them attractive I really don't know. And yes I will get slammed for saying that. In short she is pretty.

 

However like me she has very set ideas and like me she is extremely rigid in those ideas and perhaps like me she is not that flexible so in a sense what I found here is literally in some respects the equivalent of me, which has its attraction but also has its downsides. The biggest downside here is she seems to think she is entitled to this and entitled to that, again I can understand that BUT she seems to think attaining those things is easy, the reality isn't so and mostly she is looking to shortcut to get what she wants. When a sentence starts "most guys see me as a gold digger" and then "send gifts" one has to make certain conclusions.

 

I will try take her out again but I think she has moved on from me and I guess that's normal, many guys will fall over themselves, throw open their wallet and manipulate this situation to get laid but I am not one of those guys.

[chillii]

They usually have to do a lot more chasing, but they might also be your equivalent in the looks regard , even if you aren't over weight . There's a lot more to looks than just weight.