ZA Dater Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 Here 26yo, extremely motivated go getter sort of personality, decent to good job. I wasn't actually going to go to this date, she was particularly inflexible re meeting times and meeting place which I didn't really like but I ended up going anyway. She is very pretty, petite, pretty face, great smile. She talks very easily, very detail orientated. She has a very old school view of dating whereby the guy must invest and then she will decide if she wants to be his girlfriend. Not really a problem per se. The date was a coffee date but it ended up lasting 3 hours, it would have gone on longer had I not had another engagement to go to. Body language was pretty good, got a proper hug at the end and apparently we are going to have date 2. However, she is dictating where she wants date 2 to be and also what day and what time. I am less enthused by this, honestly she seems very inflexible. She is very determined career wise, I have accomplished some of what she wants to accomplish. She then ends the date telling me its her birthday in 3 weeks and she likes certain things. Again I saw that as being cheeky but also quite odd. In some respects it was like going on a date with a female version of myself, there are some shared interests. Overall though I am not so sure, her proposed second date doesn't excite me much and I have to be honest I didn't "feel" much being around her, sure, the idea of someone with mutual interests was and is nice but she seems determined to run before she can crawl. Do I agree to go to a place I don't really like simply for date 2 on a date what really doesn't suit me? Yes, the normal superficial things do apply, she would fit in with the group of people I normally spend time around but I cant help but feel she is using me as a potential career step.
elaine567 Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 You are looking a gift horse in the mouth... 2
Author ZA Dater Posted October 28, 2019 Author Posted October 28, 2019 Note mods I did try to edit the line spacing in my initial post.
Legatus Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 If I were you I'd go. Simply because two dates with her give you more information whether you just were seeing things you wanted (or didn't want to ) see or if there's no magic. To put it simply: Will it cost you a lot of effort to go on that second date? If not then what's the worse that can happen? You'll have a laugh, good conversation, and you'll call it a day. I admit that it's a bit contradictory when she is so adamant about the choice of time, date, and place, even though she is old-fashioned gal. Perhaps she is very busy indeed. perhaps you can ask about it in a positive manner, why that particular date and time..
Author ZA Dater Posted October 28, 2019 Author Posted October 28, 2019 You are looking a gift horse in the mouth... Maybe, I just don't feel much to be honest, I guess this was a case of my own strategy being used with me on the receiving end. Sure we talked about things that matter to us, experiences we have had but I kept getting the sense she is just looking for expensive dinners and a step to greater things.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 28, 2019 Author Posted October 28, 2019 I admit that it's a bit contradictory when she is so adamant about the choice of time, date, and place, even though she is old-fashioned gal. Perhaps she is very busy indeed. perhaps you can ask about it in a positive manner, why that particular date and time.. I find the insistence of going to the most expensive restaurant in town very off putting, more so when I was told "if you want a certain type of girl then you need to make a certain type of investment". Look I don't mind going to this pretentious eatery, a place I have been to a few times and don't enjoy but it simply seems she wants to go there because its expensive, I suggested equally nice places but no she wants to go there.
Legatus Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 Okay, I must have missed the "most expensive" part. That is definitely suspicious. Your gut seems to be on point. If you suggest other places and she refuses, then the date becomes more about the place rather than the person. I would stand my ground. Unless it's her who is inviting you and she'll pay
elaine567 Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 What price experience? If you can't afford the dinner and will be living like a church mouse the rest of year then don't waste your money, but she is correct... In old fashioned dating, if you are not willing to invest, the next guy will... I know it is in your instinct to run away, "if you don't try, you don't fail", but don't, just don't...
Author ZA Dater Posted October 28, 2019 Author Posted October 28, 2019 (edited) What price experience? If you can't afford the dinner and will be living like a church mouse the rest of year then don't waste your money, but she is correct... In old fashioned dating, if you are not willing to invest, the next guy will... I know it is in your instinct to run away, "if you don't try, you don't fail", but don't, just don't... What am I actually investing in here? Its very difficult to see any sort of return at all. Its not so much the money, its simple logic, if someone is so inflexible this early one it doesn't bode well. What is she investing? Edited October 28, 2019 by ZA Dater
elaine567 Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 The ONLY woman who has EVER suggested a second date with you, and you are pulling her to pieces... 4
Author ZA Dater Posted October 28, 2019 Author Posted October 28, 2019 The ONLY woman who has EVER suggested a second date with you, and you are pulling her to pieces... I have had one or two other suggest second dates but like this instance, I felt nothing for them so I didn't feel the need to actually go. I'll see, I will go on a second date, just not to this eatery, a place I simply cannot stand. I despise pretentious places and this one is right at the top of that list in this city. I'll flip a coin and decide.
Legatus Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 Give her a benefit of the doubt, just this once but I still think you should stick to your guts and not go to a place you don't like. If she insists on choosing places like this next time, you'll have your answer
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 It sounds like you want the best of both worlds--a feminine, passive woman who is also a detailed-oriented career woman. While a woman can possess some of both sides, to expect heavy doses of each is unrealistic. 1
Author ZA Dater Posted October 28, 2019 Author Posted October 28, 2019 Give her a benefit of the doubt, just this once but I still think you should stick to your guts and not go to a place you don't like. If she insists on choosing places like this next time, you'll have your answer Ok so I kept the text conversation going and mentioned to her a nice small town I sometimes go to, she then mentions a guest house an ex took her to, after I suggested a place I quite like there. No surprise the place she suggested is super flashy. I think I may leave this one. I don't mind the high life but for the point I prefer a normal life. It seems to me all she wants is a guy to take her to fancy places and "invest".
Author ZA Dater Posted October 28, 2019 Author Posted October 28, 2019 What price experience? ... Have spent some time thinking about this post, a welcome distraction from a very ill family member. Its not so much the money which is pretty much immaterial in this instance. What experience am I hoping to derive here? Hard to say because she is quite intense but not very "warm". I compare her to people I did like very much and there isn't the same "feeling", everything she says is almost an attempt to "go one better" which is a bit tiresome, its like she is desperately to show off or prove she is better. I have had an interesting life but I am very careful how I spin that because spun the wrong way it could seem like boasting. What I would prefer to do is a more modest less fancy dinner and engage more, see what exactly I am investing in here. Like me she seems to over think a lot but what I really don't like is the inflexibility, as soon as I suggest another idea she doesn't even consider it but rather then waxes lyrical as to why her idea is better.
jspice Posted October 29, 2019 Posted October 29, 2019 What I would prefer to do is a more modest less fancy dinner and engage more, see what exactly I am investing in here. Like me she seems to over think a lot but what I really don't like is the inflexibility, as soon as I suggest another idea she doesn't even consider it but rather then waxes lyrical as to why her idea is better. Pot, kettle. Here is a woman who knows what she wants. She’s prepared to go out with you. She’ll fit in with your crowd. She has her life together. 1
mark clemson Posted October 29, 2019 Posted October 29, 2019 I compare her to people I did like very much and there isn't the same "feeling", everything she says is almost an attempt to "go one better" which is a bit tiresome, its like she is desperately to show off or prove she is better. ... Like me she seems to over think a lot but what I really don't like is the inflexibility, as soon as I suggest another idea she doesn't even consider it but rather then waxes lyrical as to why her idea is better. So, smart but very (almost unconsciously/reflexively) competitive. No qualms about playing the cards she knows she has (you have to spend $ to be with her). Possibly a bit of a sociopath (not necessarily in a dangerous way). Asks for exactly what she wants. Those with relatively few options are often best advised to take the ones that DO present themselves. Also maybe coming to terms with having few prospects has changed your approach (possibly unconsciously) in such a way that you now seem less interested/"needy" but through that more desirable. Maybe she sees a bit of herself in you (as you apparently do in her) and likes that.
basil67 Posted October 29, 2019 Posted October 29, 2019 The two of you are too similar. It can't work unless both of you find some flexibility.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 29, 2019 Author Posted October 29, 2019 So, smart but very (almost unconsciously/reflexively) competitive. No qualms about playing the cards she knows she has (you have to spend $ to be with her). Possibly a bit of a sociopath (not necessarily in a dangerous way). Asks for exactly what she wants. Those with relatively few options are often best advised to take the ones that DO present themselves. Also maybe coming to terms with having few prospects has changed your approach (possibly unconsciously) in such a way that you now seem less interested/"needy" but through that more desirable. Well the latest is she basically expects to have groceries bought for her etc. That's not my idea of a modern relationship. Thing is I don't really need to date at all, it falls into a "nice to have, lets see what its like" category. Few options, again I am beyond the point of caring. I simply would like someone I can accomplish things with as an equal partner and that's the thing, this isn't equal, this is me being told I must pay for everything, buy everything, take to expensive places and what do I get for this? Nothing really to be honest, an extra obligation that seems to be the only thing I get.
chillii Posted October 29, 2019 Posted October 29, 2019 God almighty , talk about princess syndrome , l'd be happily letting some other sucker put up with that one. But l'll say one thing , which l said 6mths ago anyway, but at least you can get that dates though, no doubt about that.
basil67 Posted October 29, 2019 Posted October 29, 2019 With the latest update, it sounds suspiciously like she's an escort. But hey, at least you're getting experience dating and talking with women. Heaps of people kiss many frogs before they find their match, so it's reasonable to expect that this will be your experience too. 1
elaine567 Posted October 29, 2019 Posted October 29, 2019 With the latest update, it sounds suspiciously like she's an escort. Yes, sugar baby looking for a sugar daddy to pay her bills and entertain her in fancy places... 2
Author ZA Dater Posted October 29, 2019 Author Posted October 29, 2019 Yes, sugar baby looking for a sugar daddy to pay her bills and entertain her in fancy places... Sounds to me like that too. However, she had a bf who apparently cheated on her for a year and a half so perhaps some baggage from that. That was a 5 year relationship apparently. I think I am just going to be honest and tell her the idea of fancy restaurant, fancy hotel over and over again simply doesn't appeal to me, I am looking for a partnership not a one sided benefactor type arrangement which is what she apparently is looking for. There is a very distinct look and personality type who could in theory manipulate me into such a one sided arrangement but she is not either of those. She is the sort of person I'd like to build with but not if I have do all the building on my own. In short I wont buy into such a one sided "relationship" because there is zero return for me.
elaine567 Posted October 29, 2019 Posted October 29, 2019 It could be possible that her long term bf paid for everything... Was he also older?
Author ZA Dater Posted October 29, 2019 Author Posted October 29, 2019 (edited) It could be possible that her long term bf paid for everything... Was he also older? I make a note of never asking about ex bf's on dates....doesn't seem like a very wise thing to do. "Its not about the size or cost of the gift, its what the gift allows the partner to do", that was the comment when I mentioned its not about the cost of a gift but rather the thought put into it. "If the man buys groceries I will cook for him" "him buying will allow me to save so I can study further or to beautify the space we share" Again sort of says it all. Edited October 29, 2019 by ZA Dater
Recommended Posts