I had an amazing date this evening, but now I won't be able to see her for a month

[Calmandfocused]

TB

 

You do realise that she drank nearly 2 bottles of wine to herself before you met your friends don’t you? I find that quite concerning- if I did that (especially day time drinking) I’d be hospitalised having my stomach pumped. Getting blind drunk, especially on a second date is not attractive in my opinion.

 

Her not being able to control her mouth is also quite concerning TB. If she’s offending your friends on date 2 then it’s a sign of much worse to come.

 

Just be careful that you’re not hanging onto the fantasy/ ideals here and avoiding seeing the reality of the situation.

 

I’m really sorry if I come across as negative, I really do hope it works out for you. However you need to be cautious in relation to her drinking and social boundaries.

 

Best of luck to you.

[BaileyB]

TB

Just be careful that you’re not hanging onto the fantasy/ ideals here and avoiding seeing the reality of the situation.

 

Indeed. However, he seems to think that everything she does is just “adorable.” The reality of the situation is, she showed poor judgment by drinking FAR for more than she should on one of the first dates with a man. Her intoxication caused her to lose all inhibition which loosens her tongue - enough that your friends are telling you to be careful about this one. She also put herself at risk by having drunken sex with a man she really doesn’t know well. Which is fine, if that’s what she wants to do. But, most people would be unconscious having had that much to drink. Not exactly how I would want to have sex for the first time with a woman I really like. Red flag.

 

You are love bombing each other at this point. Again, not to rain on your parade but I fear that those rose coloured glasses you are wearing are heavily tinted.

Edited November 24, 2019 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

Few women can down almost 2 bottles of wine and keep drinking without falling over unless they regularly drink a lot.

Not only that she is not a pleasant drunk she is a nasty drunk, she ripped into your friends. In vino veritas.

Carry on...

BUT my guess is she is cray cray and that you will rue the day you got entangled.

[dramallama]

The fact she had sex with you after drinking very, very heavily jumped out at me, too; although if you've been messaging daily for a month you've created some faux intimacy right there.

 

 

 

I'm not judging having sex on date 2 - that would be entirely hypocritical of me - but it's the drinking so much so there's always the risk that she might feel regretful or at least insecure about it.

 

 

 

I'm a bit surprised you introduced her to your friends on date 2, as well; because now they've got an opinion about her and her caustic wit before you really know *your* opinion of her.

 

 

Good luck TB - but remember, hang onto your heart....

[Trail Blazer]

TB

 

You do realise that she drank nearly 2 bottles of wine to herself before you met your friends don’t you? I find that quite concerning- if I did that (especially day time drinking) I’d be hospitalised having my stomach pumped. Getting blind drunk, especially on a second date is not attractive in my opinion.

 

Her not being able to control her mouth is also quite concerning TB. If she’s offending your friends on date 2 then it’s a sign of much worse to come.

 

Just be careful that you’re not hanging onto the fantasy/ ideals here and avoiding seeing the reality of the situation.

 

I’m really sorry if I come across as negative, I really do hope it works out for you. However you need to be cautious in relation to her drinking and social boundaries.

 

Best of luck to you.

I find it remarkable that a 110lb woman can drink that much and not only not require her stomach pumped, but actually function like an almost normal person. It was barely noticeable that she was drunk. So much so, in fact, that if she said anything a little offensive, it was seemingly inexcusable from a perspective of being drunk - because she did not present that way.

 

When we arrived at her place, I took notice of how she walked, talked more than anything, as there was no other competing sensory distractions on the baackground. She spoke clear and concise with no slurred speech. She had seemingly no impaired motor function. She picked up her cat as we walked through the door, then fed him. When we walked up thr stairs to her bedroom, once again, no staggering, it all seemed normal.

 

I do understand what you're saying, though. What everyone here is saying, actually. At this point forward I'm wanting to proceed with caution. We are having our third date. It's nothing out there. Just coffee on Tuesday evening.

[Trail Blazer]

The fact she had sex with you after drinking very, very heavily jumped out at me, too; although if you've been messaging daily for a month you've created some faux intimacy right there.

 

 

 

I'm not judging having sex on date 2 - that would be entirely hypocritical of me - but it's the drinking so much so there's always the risk that she might feel regretful or at least insecure about it.

 

 

 

I'm a bit surprised you introduced her to your friends on date 2, as well; because now they've got an opinion about her and her caustic wit before you really know *your* opinion of her.

 

 

Good luck TB - but remember, hang onto your heart....

 

I don't think she's feeling regretful or insecure at all about the sex. I'm pretty sure she was up for it before the day even began.

 

The rest of what you're saying is kind of true. The way I see it, though, the introduction of artificial red flags (introdicing her too early to my friends) has given me an opportunity to observe her behavior from a different perspective.

 

At the end of the day, if she's not someone I could introduce to my mom and kids eventually, then she's not someone I could be with long term. And, I'll find that out LONG before she ever meets either.

[Trail Blazer]

Few women can down almost 2 bottles of wine and keep drinking without falling over unless they regularly drink a lot.

Not only that she is not a pleasant drunk she is a nasty drunk, she ripped into your friends. In vino veritas.

Carry on...

BUT my guess is she is cray cray and that you will rue the day you got entangled.

 

You could be right about everything. Or, it could be just a once off. Only time will tell.

 

Maybe the crazy ones are the ones who make me feel alive. After a vanilla marriage, and then a girlfriend after that who was lovely, sweet, polite and great to show mom, perhaps I'm gravitating to a different kind of woman?

 

Having said that, my ex-girlfriend was like pulling teeth out to communicate with, and she showed no loyalty or desire to even give me closure for pulling away from me after I'd told her I'd loved her (but not as a result of telling her that), it seems like a lottert to find a genuinely good, compatible woman.

 

Lucky for me I'm not that invested in finding one. I'm happy to take it as it comes. I really like this one, but I won't be putting her on a pedestal and willfully ignoring red flags.

[elaine567]

Alcoholics are often not the shambling dishevelled chaotic drunk imagined. That may come later...

I guess here she has developed tolerance to such an extent that 2 bottles of wine plus multiple other alcoholic drinks, has little effect on her.

Veterinary medicine is a profession prone to individuals becoming binge drinkers and alcoholics.

[Trail Blazer]

Unless she outright lied to me, she said she hasn't had a big night in quite some time as she's been too busy between studying and being "up to my neck in ruminant entrails" with job placement.

Edited November 24, 2019 by Trail Blazer

[mark clemson]

... "up to my neck in ruminant entrails"...

 

 

Keeper!

[elaine567]

Unless she outright lied to me, she said she hasn't had a big night in quite some time as she's been too busy between studying and being "up to my neck in ruminant entrails" with job placement.

You don't need to go on big night outs to develop tolerance.

You can do that at home.

A small glass of wine, a bigger glass of wine, 2 big glasses, 3/4 of a bottle, a whole bottle... With gradual tolerance she can easily study too... then she starts adding in a few shots to help her sleep or after a stressful day...

Suddenly a big night out barely hits the spot...

[Trail Blazer]

You don't need to go on big night outs to develop tolerance.

You can do that at home.

A small glass of wine, a bigger glass of wine, 2 big glasses, 3/4 of a bottle, a whole bottle... With gradual tolerance she can easily study too... then she starts adding in a few shots to help her sleep or after a stressful day...

Suddenly a big night out barely hits the spot...

Perhaps. I guess I'll figure that out pretty quickly as I start to spend more time with her.

[Trail Blazer]

I spoke with my friend again today and I asked him to tell me what exactly my date said or did that was so bad.

 

So, apparently she went up to one of our friends, who has an impressive beard, and asked him if she could touch it. He said, "Yeah... I guess... " and then grabbed his beard and said "Beards are hot and yours is no exception."

 

I don't really know what to make of that. I mean, it's not as if I think she was hitting on my friend. However, even if it was a meaningless joke on her part, I guess it's still inappropriate. At least with someone you don't know.

 

I'm all for a laugh and not taking life too seriously. And I'm certainly not jealous in any way because I don't think it meant anything. I guess it's just one of the "whack" things my buddy meant, that's all.

 

We are catching up for coffee tomorrow evening. Nothing changes as far as I'm concerned, but I will monitor any alcohol consumption in my presence, or if she has a propensity to suggest frequently going out to somewhere which serves alcohol.

[Calmandfocused]

Elaine is correct.

 

The only way that a 7.5 stone woman can drink that amount and still be standing is if she has a high tolerance to alcohol. Which subsequently could indeed indicate a dependency.

 

Her behaviour with the man with the beard was highly inappropriate. Consider vice versa with you touching one of her friends face? How would that come across?

 

I can see why your friends were slightly alarmed.

 

Just keep an eye on it TB. If all your dates revolve around booze and drinking heavily then you have your answer.

[balletomane]

I'm a doctor. The rate of problem drinking in our profession is thought to be disproportionately high (although the stats are inconclusive as different studies use different definitions of problem drinking). Stress is a big factor - high-pressure, high-stakes job with long hours. I don't know if similar research exists on drinking among veterinarians, but their training is also very intense, so I wouldn't be surprised.

 

I also wouldn't jump to conclusions about alcoholism after one date. It sounds as if you've got your eyes open. Bear in mind as well that her comment to your friend indicates that she doesn't hold her drink as well as you initially thought...

[Zinging]

 

We are catching up for coffee tomorrow evening. Nothing changes as far as I'm concerned, but I will monitor any alcohol consumption in my presence, or if she has a propensity to suggest frequently going out to somewhere which serves alcohol.

 

Been following your story. Just thought I'd mention something that popped up in my head. The banter that she whipped out, the beard-compliments etc are something that might be considered totally appropriate amongst a close-knit circle of friends. However, for a socially well-adjusted woman to spring that on men/women she's never met is rare, and shows alcohol might have totally erased her social barriers. I don't know if she was really having such a good time that she lost sight of the boundaries, or if this is her every now and again...

 

But the chronic alcoholism/one-night-out debate aside, do you plan to be honest with her and let her know what happened? If I was her - and was head over heels attracted to a date - I would most definitely want to know if I'd caused a problem while being a little tipsy during an evening out. Especially a problem with his closest buddies. It'd show he respected me enough to be honest and give me an opportunity to correct myself.

 

It also gives you an opportunity to gauge her reactions. If she accepts that she was wrong, tries explaining her stance in a rational way, doesn't stew/blame-shift/or resort to passive-aggressive remarks/actions, offers to make up for it - then she definitely has the 'positive approach to criticism' trait going for her. Perhaps even indicative of the fact that she'd correct her behaviour hereafter and take extra care not to embarrass herself/you in future if you matter enough to her.

 

If she gets defensive/PA about the episode, well... you have your answer.

[dramallama]

 

But the chronic alcoholism/one-night-out debate aside, do you plan to be honest with her and let her know what happened?

 

 

I second this - if you joke "I hear you like beards?" (make sure you're laughing) and see how she reacts, it'll be a very good measure of lots of things. If she's clueless, you know she's not as 'on point' on alcohol as she thinks, if she's awkward - well you'll read the situation as it unfolds, won't you. You see conflict resolution / communication skills, lots of things. Do it.

[Trail Blazer]

...the chronic alcoholism/one-night-out debate aside, do you plan to be honest with her and let her know what happened?

 

I'd been thinking about that very question. Since I'm catching up with her tonight, it wouldn't be a bad idea to broach the topic with her.

 

It's funny, she only sent me a message this morning with an accompanying photo of a country road which said: "Mercy dash for a cow dystocia call out". She's doing job placement at one of the local vets at the moment, so she's been updating me with some funny/interesting things she's been up to.

 

So anyway, I asked her where she was as the road looked semi-familiar. She told me and it was the road I was thinking of, not all that far from where we had lunch on Friday. When I said to her, "Two trips to Willamatte (Valley) in the one week. Aren't you a lucky girl?" Her response was, "Yeah, except this time I won't be getting plastered and embarassing myself in front of my date :lmao:" with that exact laughing emoji.

 

I really don't think she's the kind that would take it badly at all. She tends to not take herself too seriously. I think I will bring it up with her, just so she knows. I think her reaction will be to apologize profusely, as she's done that quite a bit with other things. From coming on too strong (in her own perspective of hindsight) to the very time that I nudged her and subtly suggested she tone things down, she's been very quick in that regard to say sorry.

[preraph]

So, apparently she went up to one of our friends, who has an impressive beard, and asked him if she could touch it. He said, "Yeah... I guess... " and then grabbed his beard and said "Beards are hot and yours is no exception."

 

Assuming your buddy reported the incident correctly, which is doubtful -- you know how stories grow every time someone repeats them -- and assuming he has no ulterior motive, like wants her himself, sad to say....

 

She was flirting bigtime. Very openly. She asked to touch him and told him he was hot. Women don't get much bolder than that. But I would consider the source.

[Trail Blazer]

Assuming your buddy reported the incident correctly, which is doubtful -- you know how stories grow every time someone repeats them -- and assuming he has no ulterior motive, like wants her himself, sad to say....

 

She was flirting bigtime. Very openly. She asked to touch him and told him he was hot. Women don't get much bolder than that. But I would consider the source.

I have no doubt that it was reported correctly. It's not a very complex story, where say, nuances can completely change what actually happened.

 

It was my buddy who I spoke with, who saw it first hand, who told me. And, both friends are guys in long term relationships, who both had their partners there.

[rightondude]

I've been on several rendezvous like this one; they have all been blasts. I have quite the drinking habit myself so I understand the life of drama and excitement that accompanies it and I seem to attract likewise. Now that I've found someone to chill with, I've cut it down dramatically (thank goodness) and I don't get into shenanigans like this, but when I was playing the field, whoooo as the Nature Boy would say. Anyways, with that said...

 

I for one wouldn't call her on her questionable behavior after this one occurrence. What'd you expect, you helped her loosen up to that level and she was with new people who she'd never met and didn't get her "jokes." Now, I'd definitely watch and see if it becomes the pattern instead of an outlier, but when you do day drinking and finish it up with a night at the bar....and meet your date's friends for the first time, without warning ... well, this is kinda why people drink to this level of excess in the first place. To go ass-wild and leave it all out there and be "the life of the party." I'm sure she'd had rather said some "controversial" stuff than to have been considered a stick in the mud.

 

full disclaimer: I fully realize the ridiculousness and risks of drinking in excess. I will also say that it seems just about everyone I've dated or associate with seems to do so these days. It's just ingrained in the singles culture I have been a part of since my divorce. No judgements on right or wrong from my standpoint, but it would seem to have a limited shelf life.

[Trail Blazer]

I picked up my date last night. We went and had coffee.

 

As we were driving, I said to her: "Hey, so I was thinking... about growing a beard." She looked at me a little perplexed, and asked, "Why would you want to do that?" I replied, "Ah, you know... I just think you'd be the kind of chick who likes beards." She said, "Well, yeah... they're good on some dudes. But a handsome face like yours, covering it up with hair would be a total waste!"

 

I didn't have a lot in response to that, so I just came out straight to the point. I first asked her how much she recalled from Friday night, to which she said, "Er, most of it, albeit a little hazy." I told her that my beard comment was in jest, but that I felt it was important to pass on what my buddy had told me as I don't like leaving things up in the air.

 

Her response, when I told her what had been said, was to drop her jaw wide open with an exasperated gasp, before saying, "OMG! I said nothing of the kind!"

 

I told her that I wasn't bothered either way, as if it did happen, I'm sure there was some kind of context to it which wasn't meant to be taken like it was.

 

My date told me that there wasn't any context to it as it did not happen! Then, she said that there was one instance (which I was actually present and recall) where she asked to look at my buddy's tattoo which is just under his right ear. He's a musician and has a tattoo of a semiquaver. She did grab his face and turn it to the side, to look, then said, "I'm sorry, I like totally touched your face and didn't ask." She then said, "Nice beard, though, by the way."

 

I don't recall the exact words said, but she was adamant she never said he was sexy, his beard was sexy or even uttered the word sexy in any context around any of my friends.

 

My date then got on the front foot and said, "if any of your friends thought I'd had too much to drink... well, they probably need to have a look at themselves if that's how they recollect things." She went on to say how she felt hurt and upset, as she was being made out to be some kind of a slut who was hitting on my friends all night.

 

I assured her that it didn't affect how I felt. She said that she was relieved to hear that, but she was still pissed about those things being said. Then she said, "that guy actually thinks I'd say he's sexy? Him!? OMG, I'd had a few wines, but I'd need a hell of a lot more wines to find him sexy. More like, he wishes!"

 

She then said that she thinks they didn't like her because "they thought I was a posh b!tch!" I told her it was obviously a misunderstanding and she said, "more like they're jealous and/or don't want their fun, single buddy getting with someone and are trying to sabotage it for you." I told her that they knew me when I was with my ex-girlfriend, so I highly doubt that." She replied, "Well, maybe they've just realized they like you better when you're single."

 

I told her that I do not believe that is the case at all, and that it was clearly a misunderstanding. She replied, "Look, those guys aren't the sort of people I'd normally associate with. Clearly, they felt the same about me. But hey, at least I can say that I looked past that fact and tried. Clearly your friends weren't willing to do the same and felt the need to cut me down, rather than meet me half way."

 

My thoughts on the matter: I am only interested in objective analysis. Sure, I like her a lot, but confirmation bias isn't something that will affect how I think. Firstly, I didn't even use the bathroom once the whole time we were therr with my friends. My date was by my side pretty mucu the whole night. So, for her to have said those things, or a whole bunch of other "whack" things, I'm struggling to thing of a time when that would have happened.

 

Secondly, my friend wouldn't be the type to make that stuff up, but at the same time he had consumed a fair bit of alcohol himself. He's also not the brightest tool in the shed. I do recall times at work when he's misinterpret something then go off on a tangent about it when he had the facts or situation very wrong or completely out of context.

 

Having said all that, I'm not ruling out the possibility that I'm getting manipulated by her, and her faux outrage is designed to put me on the backfoot and side with her, at least to the point where I overlook whatever she did.

 

Honestly, my gut tells me that she did not in fact say anything like what's been said. Mainly because I was with her and saw said incident with her turning his head to the side to check out his tattoo. She repeated almost word for word what I'd recalling her say. So, unless there was some other very narrow window which I just happened to be distracted by, then I find it quite difficult to believe. Besides that, unless she's a brilliant actor (perhaps she is *shrugs*), then I feel like her reaction was genuine.

 

All that aside, we had a fantastic evening. I went back to her place, had her three persian cats, as well as her, show me a lot of love and affection. I fly out to Idaho tomorrow morning and we are catching up again next week when I return.

Edited November 26, 2019 by Trail Blazer

[thecracker]

Sounds like every date I HAVENT been on haha. As the others said, keep her on her toes knowing that you are interested but not too much ,you seem to be doing just fine! good luck

[rightondude]

yep that reaction is precisely why I wouldn't have brought it up. Now things are going to be even more awkward between her and your friends. And you. I think you should have just let it slid brother and paid attention the next few go arounds.

[Trail Blazer]

I'm a "get it all out in the open" kind of guy. I don't like things lingering. Truth be known, that group of friends and my date, should we progress further, probably won't have much to do with each other. It'd end up being way nore awkward some time down the track if I didn't tell her.