Dating a Separated Man - should I stay? UPDATE: Ended it.

[paloma22]

I started dating a married/seperated man about 4 months ago. His ex wife moved out of their house in June officially, and they have been seeing other people for about a year. He has had intimate relations with about 4-5 other women since his ex, and had one very short relationship with a much younger girl in her mid twenties (we are both early 30s). Things started well for us, I felt secure in the relationship and tried to consider the separation a formality.

 

About me: Im an expat and soon to be medical professional living in a small town an hour from his home, while he works F/T in the city. We have had the exclusive talk, and I have asked him to get tested for STIs bc of his relations (unprotected sex w 4 women) since his ex partner. I see him about once a week, and we sent each other a long update text about daily. The thing is- we used to communicate much more, and at the start of the relationship, he was constantly wanting to see me. This has pretty much slowed- as much as he communicates, when we see each other, its for a meal / catch up and a small make out, but we haven't had any sleepovers, he hasn't shown much PDA, etc. lately. At the start of the relationship there was insane chemistry between us and he was begging for sex - but not so much now. I am still very attracted to him and always want him when I see him, but it doesnt seem reciprocated. I have started to doubt if he's still in this, or if hes dating others.

 

Last week he drove to see me (3rd time in a row hes driven an hour to see me in last few weeks), and once again it was just a meal and some kissing, that was it. I asked him again on this date if he was seeing other people - he said no. I find my insecurities from past relationships come out a lot and i need constant reassurance, which he doesn't really provide. but he does answer my questions and the answer is always that hes not seeing others. He did say how hes not sure about our time because we both live very busy lives and it seems we havent made much time for each other. I told him I agree but I need more lately.

 

We still havent slept together but he has gone to get his testing done (so he says). So i suppose we are getting close to sleeping together. Lately I am asking constantly if i should end it, or just enjoy it for what it is, given my own unpredictable worklife situation (unstable, may end up anywhere in a years time for work). He just went on a weekend boys trip and i heard radio silence all weekend from him, despite him posting a ton. I also noticed his bumble location updated. I do know he still has the app, but this tells me hes still active on it?

 

Hes met my medical flatmates but i have met nobody in his life. A month or so back I told him I didnt want to be a closet girlfriend and he said he didn't consider us Boyfriend Girlfriend, which obviously hurt a bit. I know hes mentioned me to his parents before casually, but I'm not sure anybody else knows I exist.

*Also impt fact - the separation was not mutual. His ex cheated on him. They only see each other now to work out financial stuff. It seems he has accepted it now and moved on but possibly an important piece of info.

 

Am I being insecure and paranoid or are my worries valid? Should I walk away or enjoy it for what it is (and maybe 'the best' I can really get given my own busy lifestyle?/ fact that I live in a town with absolutely 0 dating potential). Side note: This town is actually where he grew up, so his parents live here.

Edited October 27, 2019 by paloma22

[schlumpy]

So what is stopping the divorce? It doesn't make sense to form a strong bond with something whose legal ability to marry is in doubt unless you are willing to be FWB.

 

I also get a strong feeling you mistrust him.

 

If he turns your prop then stay in contact but don't encourage more until his divorce is final. Meanwhile look to more eligible prospects.

 

If children is a consideration you don't have time to waste on someone that is enjoying his single status.

[BaileyB]

Whether you stay with him or end it depends on how entirely comfortable you would be having sex with this man if in fact it turns out to be nothing more than that...

 

All relationships are a risk. But, to say there is any kind of security here is a stretch. I’ve done what you are doing, dated a man who was two years separated and swore to me that he was done. It didn’t work out well for me - at the time.

 

I would be mostly concerned about the fact that he has had unprotected sex with a number of women in the past year or so... that, to me would be a huge turn-off and probably a deal breaker. But, that’s just me.

[paloma22]

So what is stopping the divorce? It doesn't make sense to form a strong bond with something whose legal ability to marry is in doubt unless you are willing to be FWB.

 

I also get a strong feeling you mistrust him.

 

If he turns your prop then stay in contact but don't encourage more until his divorce is final. Meanwhile look to more eligible prospects.

 

If children is a consideration you don't have time to waste on someone that is enjoying his single status.

 

In the country were in one must be separated a year without reconciliation before can file for divorce. He also has told me financially its better he does not divorce he yet as hes paying the house mortgage solely. Apparently he will owe her less in the end or something to this regard. Hes an accountant so I figure he would know. He had no children with his ex partner but I do want children or a child. Hes told me he wants children in the future (by 38 apparently?) but doesnt want to remarry. Which is interesting as I dont know many women these days that would have kids out of wedlock, though i guess its possible

 

What do you mean turns your prop?

 

And trust for me is difficult - I basically never trust men bc I have been wronged in so many former relationships. I tend to self sabotage out of insecurity and paranoia. I am working on this, but its a battle between what thoughts may be valid, and insecurities.

[BaileyB]

trust for me is difficult

 

So, how much of a risk do you think it is to date a man who is recently separated from a woman who cheated on him, currently sowing his wild oats by having unprotected sex with a series of women, who tells you that he wouldn’t consider you to be “boyfriend and girlfriend.”

 

What would you advise your best friend to do - take the risk, or end it.

 

There is really no harm in doing what you are doing, taking it slow. Except, it sounds like he is losing interest... which tells you something in and of itself.

[paloma22]

I would be mostly concerned about the fact that he has had unprotected sex with a number of women in the past year or so... that, to me would be a huge turn-off and probably a deal breaker. But, that’s just me.

 

Yep it has been, which is why Ive asked him to get tested. Reality is men (and women) today have more and more unprotected sex. Even if a man told me he was wrapping it, I wouldn't believe him til he got tested. But then theres believing this actually occurred as well... Its a **** dating world out there.

Edited November 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

I hear what you are saying. You were smart to ask him to get tested. You know, I’m sure, that it takes some time for some STDs to show up on testing after exposure... So, be cautious.

Edited November 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[paloma22]

What would you advise your best friend to do - take the risk, or end it.

 

Yea I hear you - ide probably say walk. But to be honest my options lately have been pretty dismal, and i dont want to call myself desperate, but hes the first guy that has actually been making the trips and effort to see me, takes me for nice meals, does follow up. But I agree, lately it seems hes losing interest. Although he was on this weekend boys trip, a text would have been nice. This is the first time I havent heard from him in over a few days... maybe its already ending? I have a pattern of not walking away from men when the signs are there, i tend to hold on, but i really want to be strong this time. I guess I just dont want to end something that 'could' improve? I realize this sounds sad and desperate as it is.

Edited November 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[schlumpy]

What do you mean turns your prop?

 

I apologize for the prop remark. It's just an idiom that is used to express that you have an interest in him. The prop refers to an airplane propeller. The first aircraft did not have starter motors, so the plane prop had to be turned by hand to start the engine.

 

Ok, so he has financial consideration. Where does that put you? Will you settle for what he is offering. You could use him for casual sex. The big question here is what do you want because you know what he wants. Where do you see yourself 2 years from now?

[paloma22]

What do you mean I know what he wants? In 2 years its hard to say because my career may take me somewhere entirely different. Hence i think another reason he is hesitating to commit to me.

Edited November 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Artdeco]

Best thing you can do: listen to what he’s saying. What is he telling you? ——->> That he doesn’t consider you gf/bf. If that bothers you, don’t stick around. If you want a relationship, he’s obviously not the one. He’s either not there yet, or you’re not the one, or he wants to remain single altogether.

 

If a loose relationship or a friendship is good enough for you, then go for it. Absolutely go for it, if you get along pretty well in general. Things could develop into something more serious down the road, but there’s no guarantee. By what he’s told you, it’s clear that he’s not interested in a serious, monogamous relationship, at least not right now. This could change, and it will depend on many factors, most of which you won’t have any influence on. He’s also told you he won’t get remarried. If a family is what you want, then he’s not the right guy for you. Granted, the relationship is relatively new, but a clear statement of that type speaks volumes.

[BaileyB]

Staying with someone because there are few other options is not usually a recipe for success.

 

I can certainly appreciate how it must feel nice to have someone to spend time with, and you can certainly enjoy that for what it’s worth. Just be sure to keep your expectations reasonable. As artdeco says, if you are looking for a long term, monogamous partner - this guy has basically told you that is not him.

 

So, whether you stay or go depends on what you want for your life and whether a casual sexual relationship is something you can do.

[mortensorchid]

I was only with one separated man in my lifetime. He and his wife had been living apart for about two years, he and I were just friends. Until... It changed. We had an affair for 4 months, then he went home, went to bed, had a heart attack and died at age 44. I miss him for obvious reasons ... But I never pushed him or questioned him much about his marriage, what happened, or if he would ever divorce her officially. I wonder had he lived what we would be doing today.

 

But how come he and his wife are not ending it officially? Too lazy or is someone holding something over someone's head?

[Versacehottie]

He sounds like he is checking out emotionally (or having you as a placeholder for almost companionship).

 

I think the main importance should be less on the sex part and more on the overall set of circumstances on his part. Again, it doesn't look like a good bet for you due to his actual circumstances and him pulling away effectively.

 

On your end, it feels like you are settling and honestly I think you deserve more. I realize it would be hard if the biggest city is an hour away but you found him in it--all you need to do is find another guy from there & one that is emotionally available. If you want a child and believe in marriage then he is a dead end based on what he said now--continuing with him effectively means you accept HIS conditions and it's far too one-sided to be good for you.

 

Lastly, you are 4 months in with him & he's still on bumble, sees you once a week, doesn't put in a lot of effort, or reach out to you on a weekend away nor call you his girlfriend. It's regressing, not progressing. I think you should stop seeing him or at least pull back and see if he makes some effort. Good luck

Edited October 27, 2019 by Versacehottie

[elaine567]

You could use him for casual sex.

 

Yes, that is if they were actually having sex...

 

Meals and making out but no sleepovers now...

He has lost interest is my assessment of the situation, the spark has gone out...

 

He may be seeing someone else, he may be still hung up on his wife, they may be reconciling, he may just be a low drive/sexless kind of a guy or all this testing has put him off, or he doesn't see you as gf material... who knows?

 

I think you are wasting your time... Separated men are usually a waste of time for all sorts of different reasons.

 

BTW Try not to free wheel through your fertile years, once they are gone they are gone...

[paloma22]

Yes, that is if they were actually having sex....

 

Yeah. I agree. Its just hard to admit. TBH I may send him a message tonight ending it. I dont want to do anything without properly thinking it through but i just drafted a break up message (for the second time). Its just hard to follow through on actually doing it because of the what ifs.

 

I am NEVER the breaker upper - so if i have the balls to do it, i will be proud of myself i guess.

 

Definitely not 'free wheeling my fertile years' but I've been on this never ending academic medical pursuit and its kind of a trade off. It scares a lot of guys away as well (highly educated woman in medical profession but starting at the botton of the food chain career wise with potentially unknown future location).

Edited November 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[paloma22]

Ya so one can't divorce until legally seperated without reconciliation for a year here (Australia) Its a bit crazy and tbh i dont know exact details but that's my understanding. Hes staying married/seperated for financial reasons and shes agreed. In saying that they havent been separated a year officially i dont think.

Edited November 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly, OP, you don't have much to build on here. This isn't going anywhere.

 

He has been clear he doesn't see you as a couple. His increasingly distant behaviour supports that assertion. You are (were) seeing this as heading towards a relationship, whereas I don't see the same from him. This is much more casual for him than for you, and it seems it's fizzled on his end.

 

My close relative is in nearly the exact same position as this man, though he's been separated around a year now. His ex-wife met someone else and the separation was tough on him. He's casually dated a few women in the meantime, but is certainly not looking for anything serious any time soon. Based on my conversations with him, it was obvious that a couple of these women wanted something more, and he had to definitively call it off with both. (He also never promised exclusivity) He doesn't have strong feelings for either of them, and while he enjoyed their company, he maintains he never intended to have a relationship with them and never indicated it was heading in that direction. As far as I know, he hasn't seen or spoken to either of them since letting them know it wasn't going to become a relationship.

 

My reason for sharing? A recently-separated person, especially when they didn't initiate the separation themselves, is not a good candidate for serious dating. They're just usually not in the right head-space for a relationship and will only been on your radar a short time before bowing out.

[FMW]

If he likes the financial situation of remaining married, and if he doesn't care about ever getting married again, he doesn't have much motivation to divorce, especially if his wife also sees benefit in staying legally married but living their own lives.

 

And as has been mentioned already, (1) she cheated on him so he may not truly be over her, and (2) he's told you straight up that he doesn't consider you his girlfriend.

 

The fact that he's had unprotected sex with several other women means that he wants sex, and if he isn't getting it from you he's likely getting it from someone else - no matter what he's telling you.

 

I know that all sounds cynical, but right now I think cynicism is your friend.

[central]

You're uncertain for good reason, but so is he. Why should he commit when you haven't even spent a night together, much less not had sex? Add in the distance factor, and it seems neither of you have much incentive to build this further.

[preraph]

He's dating others.

[kendahke]

I

And trust for me is difficult

 

 

then don't date married/separated men.

 

 

this guy is in the wind now... let him go and you ago find someone who isn't in a messy, unresolved emotional situation.

[schlumpy]

Yes, that is if they were actually having sex...

 

I took her comments about him begging for sex as she had acquiesced. The sleepover comment registered separately with me as they had not spent the night together. Two separate things as it very possible to have sex without a sleepover.

 

Since you pointed it out, it's likely I misread it.

[paloma22]

You're uncertain for good reason, but so is he. Why should he commit when you haven't even spent a night together, much less not had sex? Add in the distance factor, and it seems neither of you have much incentive to build this further.

 

We've definitely spent many nights together/sleepovers, and have been intimate in all ways but sex. We just haven't had any sleepovers lately.

[paloma22]

So don’t date him until he is actually divorced!

 

He is STILL very much married until it’s final.

 

Yep very true. Part of me tends to put certain men i date on pedestals, and i really have to stop because its not exactly like hes the most dateable man on the market right now so he should consider himself lucky and imo trying harder with me. that obviously hasn't been happening for the myriad of reasons discussed above.