Author MountainGirl111 Posted October 31, 2019 Author Posted October 31, 2019 Sure... everyone has regrets... but I need to ask you a question, since your post is vague. Are you sure these are real regrets, or are they sorrow and self blame? Here's why I ask. I just finished a divorce of a 20 year relationship. During the months my ex was torturing me... I would hear things like... "you are too angry and violent"... "you should have changed more diapers"... "you should have done more dishes"... "You should have done more laundry".... and so on. During that time, I would have bad days, and I would think to myself that I should have done more household chores, been more attentive to the needs of my kids when they were babies, and I should have talked to her more about the things she wanted. (Got blamed for her not going to grad school) But as time went by... I realized that it wasn't up to me to investigate every point she MAY have wanted... and eventually thought those were her shortcomings because she never once opened her mouth to talk to me about the things that were bothering her. So when I started to come back with "Why didn't you simply ask me for help", I would get "I shouldn't have to" in response. Also, as I started to realize these were all her justification, I would ask... "If I did more dishes, and laundry, would you maintain the yard, and do oil changes on our cars?" Her answer was "That's not my job" Sure, the heart ach was real... but I was able to forgive myself quickly, because I came to the conclusion that she simply wanted out, and was doing everything she could to justify it in her mind. Anyway... to sum it up... don't beat yourself up on the regrets... they may not be factual. Sounds like she didn't have good insight and was quite demanding? Let me guess, she stayed home with the kids while you made the bacon...
Double D Posted November 9, 2019 Posted November 9, 2019 I found this Ted Talk very useful in dealing with my regrets. Someone on Loveshack a while back and I still watch it, to help me keep perspective on it. Its very difficult at times living with regret. 1
wtm78 Posted November 9, 2019 Posted November 9, 2019 Man, there's things I wish I would have done. I would have swallowed my pride. I would have been more loving. I would have showed my honest feelings more. I would have done this and wouldn't have done that. Does anyone else here live with regret? I'm not a stupid person, but I feel so stupid sometimes.... What makes you think that it's too late? Are you not able to do something now knowing what you know? 1
Blind-Sided Posted November 9, 2019 Posted November 9, 2019 Sounds like she didn't have good insight and was quite demanding? Let me guess, she stayed home with the kids while you made the bacon... Sort of. She did get to stay home. She was the office manager for my dad's company. SO, she made a "Full Time" wage. (my dad offered it to her when we said day care was expensive. He matched her current salary, and she got to stay home) Also, she made her own hours. And, now that we are talking about that... it's something else I got blamed for. She would say how she had to work long hours, and stay up till 1am finishing reports and whatnot. And yes... she did. But the reality was... she would wake up... get the kids off to school... take a shower... go to the store(s)... visit with her mom... and take a nap.... then get the kids off the bus, and make dinner. So... while it's true she stayed up late... she chose to do it, and be free during the day. Before she snapped, and went loony... I asked her time after time... "Why stay up late". Her answer was... "It's easier to work on reports when the kids are in bed." So... like all of this... it was her choice.
Author MountainGirl111 Posted November 9, 2019 Author Posted November 9, 2019 Sort of. She did get to stay home. She was the office manager for my dad's company. SO, she made a "Full Time" wage. (my dad offered it to her when we said day care was expensive. He matched her current salary, and she got to stay home) Also, she made her own hours. And, now that we are talking about that... it's something else I got blamed for. She would say how she had to work long hours, and stay up till 1am finishing reports and whatnot. And yes... she did. But the reality was... she would wake up... get the kids off to school... take a shower... go to the store(s)... visit with her mom... and take a nap.... then get the kids off the bus, and make dinner. So... while it's true she stayed up late... she chose to do it, and be free during the day. Before she snapped, and went loony... I asked her time after time... "Why stay up late". Her answer was... "It's easier to work on reports when the kids are in bed." So... like all of this... it was her choice. Hmmm. I don't have a whole lot of tolerance for people who make excuses and whine about things they could have done differently (and better)...when someone close to them may have offered some ideas to be helpful and they don't give those good ideas a good shot. By staying up so late and doing work in the evenings [after the kids were in bed], she really cut down on quality time with YOU. And, it sounds like....rather than be THANKFUL for being able to work from home, she let resentment build over the years over things she herself CHOSE to do and/or HOW to do them.....and not getting enough "help" from you. She wouldn't have been able to have a sweet job like there where she could set her own hours if it wasn't for YOUR dad.... There are so many women who would love to stay home and have flexible work hours for decent wages, especially while the kids are little! For some odd reason [also]…. I've known of people who resent those who are trying to HELP them...I don't know why that is...but I've seen it in my own family....and you'd think they would just be thankful...right? No, they resent you for helping them...is that because of pride? Anyways...I know you have thought about all this so sorry if I'm chewing things up just to spit them out again. I tend to be very analytical...blessing/curse...hahaha 1
Author MountainGirl111 Posted November 9, 2019 Author Posted November 9, 2019 What makes you think that it's too lae? Are you not able to do something now knowing what you know? Thx wtm. Maybe it's not too late for some things...thanx for pointing that out... 1
Author MountainGirl111 Posted November 9, 2019 Author Posted November 9, 2019 I found this Ted Talk very useful in dealing with my regrets. Someone on Loveshack a while back and I still watch it, to help me keep perspective on it. Its very difficult at times living with regret. Thanks Double D...I'll check that out...
Blind-Sided Posted November 10, 2019 Posted November 10, 2019 ...... By staying up so late and doing work in the evenings [after the kids were in bed], she really cut down on quality time with YOU. Honestly... the late nights weren't an "All the time" kind of thing. There was a week and a half at the beginning of the month where we have to get reports out to our clients. The rest of the month was easy(ish) for her. We even ported the office number to a cell phone so she could truly be "Free" during the day. As long as she answered the calls, and passed messages to the proper employee... she could do what she wanted. ...... She wouldn't have been able to have a sweet job like there where she could set her own hours if it wasn't for YOUR dad.... There are so many women who would love to stay home and have flexible work hours for decent wages, especially while the kids are little! You are 100% right. a few of the women in my neighborhood who eventually came to my side (because her sorties changed, and were over the top) said... why would she blame you for the "Golden Goose" of a job. (not my words) And she didn't just make a "Good wage"... she was making more than the same job at any other company. Plus all the perks of being with a family company. (dad gave her money for a down payment on her new car to get the payment were we needed it, and bought her a new washer and dryer when hers dyed. Not cheap ones... he said pick what you want) ...... . I tend to be very analytical...blessing/curse...hahaha This is a great place for that. It helps everyone analyze and talk about it. I know you read one of my other threads... so the info is there. Sorry to get off topic. Hope your regrets are starting to soften.
Author MountainGirl111 Posted November 11, 2019 Author Posted November 11, 2019 Honestly... the late nights weren't an "All the time" kind of thing. There was a week and a half at the beginning of the month where we have to get reports out to our clients. The rest of the month was easy(ish) for her. We even ported the office number to a cell phone so she could truly be "Free" during the day. As long as she answered the calls, and passed messages to the proper employee... she could do what she wanted. You are 100% right. a few of the women in my neighborhood who eventually came to my side (because her sorties changed, and were over the top) said... why would she blame you for the "Golden Goose" of a job. (not my words) And she didn't just make a "Good wage"... she was making more than the same job at any other company. Plus all the perks of being with a family company. (dad gave her money for a down payment on her new car to get the payment were we needed it, and bought her a new washer and dryer when hers dyed. Not cheap ones... he said pick what you want) This is a great place for that. It helps everyone analyze and talk about it. I know you read one of my other threads... so the info is there. Sorry to get off topic. Hope your regrets are starting to soften. Huh...it sounds like you and you're family did everything they could to "ease her way"...and in the end she was ungrateful. … you know there are people who get a lot of lucky breaks in life who still whine and there are folks who don't seem to get too many breaks in comparison, but they don't do a whole lot of whining. Just from what I've interacted with..... I think perhaps the "whiners" actually have some underlying depression. And, those who are the most anxious, I suspect are depressed underneath...A lot of folks do not realize the depression can surface as anxiety. So, whenever I feel "anxious" I do some introspection and ask myself, "Why do I feel this way?". If there is a very GOOD external reason I'm feeling stressed, it's to be expected I'd be a little anxious. But if I feel anxious in even the most calm waters...I also need to do some introspection about WHY I feel anxious....is there something else going inside...perhaps DEEP inside...that needs to be addressed. Back to the whining. I have a relative that whines more than normal....she's got whining down to an ART...and yet she has had many things done FOR her for YEARS....She calls her current husband her "sugardaddy"...and STILL she whines....I don't know why this is.....? I guess people get accustomed to certain things....but maybe she is a bit depressed...she was not an overly happy child....she felt like an ugly duckling...and I don't think she has ever gotten over that...seems like to me she is never quite happy! I don't know if this is how your ex is or not... 1
scooby-philly Posted November 11, 2019 Posted November 11, 2019 I do have regrets about my last relationship. I got very emotionally invested at an early stage, and sometimes I catch myself wishing that I hadn't made it so obvious, as I suspect that this scared him off. He has big problems around intimacy and most of his relationships have ended with him getting cold feet and breaking up. However, this is exactly why my regret is futile. How he acted in those previous relationships suggests that he was almost certainly going to get cold feet sooner or later, and there's no way I could possibly have anticipated and staved off all his fears. Now my regret is changing to, "I wish I hadn't chosen someone who is emotionally unavailable", and this is something that I can actually do something about. It's hard to imagine myself in love again, as I still care deeply for my ex, but I know that one day it will happen and this time I will have learned something important about the qualities I want in a partner. Try to focus on what you can learn from the regret rather than the regret itself. OMG - if I could super like something on here I would. I just caught myself spiraling an hour or two ago. Recent breakup (2.5 months ago) where I didn't see the breakup coming cause she was literally sending me loving memes about how awesome her bf was the morning she said she didn't have time for a relationship. It was ldr with an age gap. @balletomane - I'm sorry for your pain (not sure if this a recent breakup) and OMG I can so relate! You can't fault yourself for investing. As someone on here punched me to the gut in a private message a few weeks ago and I use when I need to remind myself of things you can't be in love without being vulnerable, without trying, without hoping for better days when things go bad. You hit the nail on the head - given your ex's background he would have fled sooner or later. At least it was a quickly as it happened and it didn't drag on for days, weeks, or months (or more!) longer!!! For me, I have to accept the fact that I was my ex's first experience of love, her first mature relationship, and she's still completing her education and living with her toxic family. Even if we managed to get to her completing her degree she would have been hard pressed given her current emotional makeup to confront her parents and tell them about me and even if she did - she has a lot of issues that will need to be addressed so while I was heartbroken, in the end I got lucky in the long run. I boy - you are dead on again - we need to focus on what we can control in our choices/lives. For me, it's not ignoring my gut when I feel something is wrong or I'm not happy, not swallowing my needs, and not tolerating disrespect, immaturity, etc. Thanks for sharing!
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