withfeeling Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 ok, i'm new here. i've been involved in a FWB relationship for several months now. we have a great time together, the benefits are outstanding, etc., etc. but i discovered today that he's actively looking on-line for someone else. when we agreed to this type of a relationship, i obviously knew that it was a possibility and we agreed to always be upfront with each other about what was going on in our lives. i stumbled on his profile while looking for a friend who said he was going to put one up for himself. so, i asked him about it. he didn't get defensive just explained that he thought he only needed to tell me if he met someone and it looked like it was getting serious. so i find myself in a state of confusion. my feelings for this guy don't go very far beyond just caring about him as a friend, but at the same time, i don't know that i want to be sleeping with someone knowing that there may be others. am i out of line in what i expect? i guess in some ways i'm not 100% sure what is the general "rules" about all of this, if there even are any!!! i don't want a serious relationship, he knows that, and i don't think he does either but i'm beginning to wonder if this has played itself out and it's time to move on. i'm supposed to see him tomorrow night, and i'm just not sure what i want to do. any thoughts, suggestions or insights are welcome!
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 1, 2005 Posted October 1, 2005 The rules are pretty simple. Sex on demand with little or no expectations that any commitments exist outside of that. If the idea of him being with someone else isn't something you can handle, you may want to reconsider the whole 'FWB' thing. The key to it working, is that you are honest with each other about your expectations in this situation. Never, ever assume that because you feel a certain way about it that your partner does (or should). You have to set the groundrules ahead of time, and be perfectly clear about what your individual roles will be in order for it to work best for you both. Communication, communication, communication (even when you aren't sure if it is what your partner wants to hear.)
Author withfeeling Posted October 1, 2005 Author Posted October 1, 2005 thanks! i guess i thought we'd set some rules since we both agreed that neither of us wanted to risk the whole disease thing and if the other decided that they wanted to start sleeping around then .... so it's not even so much the thought of him being with another it's well... i don't know, i suppose if i'm having this many concerns it's just not worth it. we both just got out of really bad relationships and had decided early on that we didn't really have much of a future together but we enjoyed each others company and the sex was great, so we agreed on FWB. when i first thought about it, i was afraid that i'd feel "used" but was surprised that i didn't since the benefits worked well both ways. i guess i just wonder at this point if he is looking for something more serious and is either afraid to tell me because he's afraid he'll lose what we have or something. he was hurt really badly and has told me that he doesn't know what he wants. so yeah, aside from trying to decide if the whole FWB thing is worth it, i guess i'm trying to decide if any type of relationship with him is what i want. and i ask myself, given the choice of staying with this and just letting it be what it is, or risk being alone for a while, i keep coming back to sticking with it. it's been on my mind for a few weeks now, and maybe we just need to talk more about it tomorrow. but i know i'll start to cry since i get emotional when i get frustrated and i know he'll misread that as my being hurt.
curiousnycgirl Posted October 1, 2005 Posted October 1, 2005 I was in a FWB relationship for 8 years. There really were no rules per se - other than this was not going to be anything permanent AND neither of us slept with anyone else. We also enjoyed eachother's company - but there was no obligation to spend time together either. To be honest upon a number of occassions he thought he wanted more from the relationship. During those times I simply stopped seeing him entirely, until he got over it. The relationship ended when I told him I had started seeing my current b/f and could no longer see him. We are still friends and speak frequently. I guess the answer to your question is that the rules are whatever YOU make them. Overall I found the relationship to be precisely what I wanted/needed at the time - and I have no regrets.
Author withfeeling Posted October 1, 2005 Author Posted October 1, 2005 this was not going to be anything permanent AND neither of us slept with anyone else. this is what i thought he and i had agreed to and i'm sure he hasn't slept with anyone else. yet. i know that he's "curious" what else is out there and i guess i am too. so, we'll see .... it's meeting my needs for the most part at this point. we both are single parents so finding any free time that matches is tough. and i had actually told him this afternoon that i had no problem going on with things as they are indefinitely, and i could see it lasting a long time. but there's always that nagging feeling knowing that part of me wants more. when you ended things, i assume he took it well since you still talk, and how does your bf feel about your past relationship with the FWB guy? thanks!
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