Happy Lemming Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 frankly, I can't imagine dating a 30+ yo man who lives permanently with his parents. 100% Agree, I thought you had your own place. I didn't know you were still living at home with your parents. Before moving in with a woman, you really should attempt to be independent and have your own place... live alone for a while and learn about yourself. 1
alphamale Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 why can't you just move in together and just sponge off of her? 1
Londy Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 It's only bad if she dumps you because you declined her invite and that's not what you want.
Twizzlestick Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 Let me give you some advice. Despite “some” I’m presuming ladies trumpeting “I’d tell her to give him an ultimatum” be very careful my friend reacting to that. People can issue ultimatums all they like it doesn’t mean it’s right. I’ve had two different women issue ultimatums that dictated the direction of my career, the first was a short term rele - 3 months. I disagreed took the better job and we split. Good job as she was a nut case. The second was a long term rele - 11 years. I agreed, turned down the job I wanted and took the job for her that I didn’t want (I work in aviation). She split with me and I was left holding a job I didn’t want in a job market that had shrunk. There’s not a day goes by I wish I didn’t stick to my boundaries as I’m deeply unhappy with where I am. The counsellor I saw said it was not a good thing. The issuing of ultimatums form quite a few psychological leads as to key behaviours when we talk. 1
mark clemson Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 Consider emphasizing to her that, as soon as you can afford it, you'll move in.
BaileyB Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 (edited) She's certainly within her rights to want to move in together... frankly, I can't imagine dating a 30+ yo man who lives permanently with his parents. Huge turn-off. And, when given a chance to move out and live with a woman - he said no. OP, I’m all for following your dreams and if you can find a woman who wants to live separately for as long as it takes for you to make your movie while living with your parents... more power to you. If I was your girlfriend, this would give me pause... Assuming that she is hoping this relationship will progress such that you may someday move out of your parents home to create a life with a partner, you have just shown her what your priorities are right and and they may not align with what she wants for her life and her future. Two years is more than enough time to feel like it’s time for the relationship to progress to the next step. It’s not hard to understand why she would end the relationship to search for a partner who wants to build a future with her and not a grown man. It’s not hard to understand why she wouldn’t want to waste more time with a man who can’t support himself financially such that he must continue to live with his parents while he plans to chase rainbows indefinitely... Again, if this is not a dealbreaker for her, that’s great. It would be a dealbreaker for me. Edited October 25, 2019 by BaileyB
Author ironpony Posted October 25, 2019 Author Posted October 25, 2019 She's 32. Well maybe i can try to do both and progress with her while chasing the rainbow? Or is that not possible?
Londy Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 Why not simply tell her the reason you're holding off is you need to save money and cannot contribute to the rent? She might be perfectly ok with that, it's not like it's costing her more for you to live there (other than food and modest increase in utilities).
BaileyB Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 She's 32. Well maybe i can try to do both and progress with her while chasing the rainbow? Or is that not possible? It’s possible if you decide it’s possible. I would have guessed that she was younger. What does she want for her future - have you talked about that? She obviously wants to move in together. Does she want to get married, have a child, travel, where does she want to live - have you discussed any of these things? 1
elaine567 Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 She's 32. Well maybe i can try to do both and progress with her while chasing the rainbow? Or is that not possible? You need to talk to your gf about that. Find out what her plans are for the future. If she wants children with you then at 32 she will want to have them sooner rather than later. I doubt she will then want "family" money spent on risky film projects. If settling down is not what you want, then tell her asap.
Tagalz Posted October 26, 2019 Posted October 26, 2019 (edited) But she felt really rejected it seems now, that I have turned it down. Is there anything I should do, or how should I approach this? I would call her and say the things you wrote so that she understands (: Edited October 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author ironpony Posted October 26, 2019 Author Posted October 26, 2019 Oh okay thanks, but I already said why, the financial reasons. I'm kind of surprised she asked me to move in, cause I thought she would already think the answer would be no, with the situation I'm going through. As for family and kids, we both don't want kids.
fromheart Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 (edited) Oh no, she was not looking for a guy to pay rent, she just thought it would be good for our relationship and wants use to be closer with each other. I do to, just didn't think it was a good time financial wise maybe. You said you feel the same way, but its not possible financially right now. No problem. She'll have to wait a little longer. Go for your dreams while your young, ignore the advice of the old and bitter who regret not at least trying for theirs. Edited October 28, 2019 by fromheart 1
alphamale Posted October 28, 2019 Posted October 28, 2019 As for family and kids, we both don't want kids. one day you'll both wake up and she will most likely want kids. women tend to change their minds on this subject very quickly 1
boymommy Posted October 29, 2019 Posted October 29, 2019 Is her rent the ONLY reason you don't want to move in? You two could make plans to find a new place that is affordable to both of you. Maybe there is a compromise, unless you don't want to move in with her other reasons then just her rent.
Author ironpony Posted October 29, 2019 Author Posted October 29, 2019 Yeah it's mainly the rent. I suppose we could look for another place, but I don't want to influence her to move out of her place, which she loves, if she doesn't want to move out. As for her wanting kids, she is actually infertile, she told me way back, so I don't think we will be having anymore therefore of course.
boymommy Posted October 29, 2019 Posted October 29, 2019 Yeah it's mainly the rent. I suppose we could look for another place, but I don't want to influence her to move out of her place, which she loves, if she doesn't want to move out. I wouldn't look at it as trying to influence her, as just offering a compromise to the situation. Relationships are about compromise and understanding, and this seems like a way to do it! There is always another great place, trust me on that!
Author ironpony Posted November 1, 2019 Author Posted November 1, 2019 Oh okay thanks. I could ask her if there are any places she would like to live with me and do the math on the prices then. I'm just surprised that she asked me to move in, cause I do vent to her about my money situation so I feel that she shouldn't have been surprised at me saying no, because of all the venting I do about it...
Legatus Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 But maybe, just maybe, she thought that money problems wouldn't actually be a problem when moving in, who knows! You've been together for quite a while. I can't see her asking you this question just like that, without thinking over it...
notthatintome Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 She seemed really rejected when I turned her down on it. Don't get me wrong, we've dating for almost two years now and it's going pretty good. My reason was is that rent in her place, even if split would cost more for me still, and I might be out of a job soon, but also spending a lot of money on producing a feature film. If the movie gets distribution, I will hopefully make money back but if not, I might be in the poor house after it's over, so I don't know if I can move in right now. But she felt really rejected it seems now, that I have turned it down. Is there anything I should do, or how should I approach this? I think what you say is reasonable. If you can't do it now, can you give her a approx date of when it potentially could happen in the future?
Author ironpony Posted November 1, 2019 Author Posted November 1, 2019 I would say hopefully by fall of next year if some of these things go well for me, if that's not too much of a wait..
notthatintome Posted November 1, 2019 Posted November 1, 2019 That's quite a long time if she wants to build a future with you now, especially as this is still a maybe. Tricky, something has to give or I think she may get frustrated and move on from you.
Author ironpony Posted November 1, 2019 Author Posted November 1, 2019 Oh well it's just that's how long I predict it will take to finish the feature film. It's a long process since I am doing it all myself. But maybe we can move into some other place together sooner, that is less expensive than hers, it's just I don't want to ask that of her since she really seems to like her place.
Inspire Posted November 2, 2019 Posted November 2, 2019 (edited) Finding an alternative place to live is one option. If she is happy where she is living now and can afford the rent on her own, perhaps she'd be interested in staying there and your share could be adjusted accordingly. To some that might not seem reasonable BUT its still less money then she would have to put out on her own and you two would be living together. This is IF she wants to stay where she is now. If you did go this route, you'd also need to discuss a plan forward so that she knows that the reduced share (the amount of money you're giving her) is only temporary. Ultimatums aren't always spoken. You can ask her to be reasonable and wait, but that doesn't mean she will. Edited November 2, 2019 by Inspire 1
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