ironpony Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 She seemed really rejected when I turned her down on it. Don't get me wrong, we've dating for almost two years now and it's going pretty good. My reason was is that rent in her place, even if split would cost more for me still, and I might be out of a job soon, but also spending a lot of money on producing a feature film. If the movie gets distribution, I will hopefully make money back but if not, I might be in the poor house after it's over, so I don't know if I can move in right now. But she felt really rejected it seems now, that I have turned it down. Is there anything I should do, or how should I approach this?
basil67 Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 There's not much you can do. You've shown her that what is likely a pipe dream is more important to you than she is. 3
Happy Lemming Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 But she felt really rejected it seems now, that I have turned it down. Is there anything I should do, or how should I approach this? Let her deal with it... You have sound financial reasons for not moving in. Stand your ground! Let's say you move in with her and your finances go south, then you can't pay your portion of the rent... things are going to get a lot worse than a little rejection.
Author ironpony Posted October 25, 2019 Author Posted October 25, 2019 There's not much you can do. You've shown her that what is likely a pipe dream is more important to you than she is. But that's just it, or my priorities out of what, like she may think?
Gretchen12 Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 She can't expect you to move in and pay more than you do now. Is she looking for someone to help her pay the rent? Tell her no. If she can't afford to pay the full rent on her own then she needs to move to a cheaper place.
Author ironpony Posted October 25, 2019 Author Posted October 25, 2019 Oh no, she was not looking for a guy to pay rent, she just thought it would be good for our relationship and wants use to be closer with each other. I do to, just didn't think it was a good time financial wise maybe.
Gretchen12 Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 ok then surely she can understand you just don't want to pay more. So you both live alone but her rent is more than twice yours?
Author ironpony Posted October 25, 2019 Author Posted October 25, 2019 Right now I live with my parents to save some money, and not sure where I would want to live yet at the moment.
Legatus Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 I understand her reaction. After two years she thought it would be the right time to ask. Did she know about your possible financial struggles? I think you did the right thing. Of course it would be great to live with her but if it would make things complicated especially with your circumstances. One thing you could do is think hard about when you could move in with her. Don't give her false hope but a reasonable 3xplanation that if not now then when, but only if you actually see it happening. Reassure her that it is on your mind and you are working towards it even if indirectly 1
babybrowns Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 I agree with Legatus. It is a scary question for any girl to ask and at the 2-year mark she braved it and hoped you would be ready. I don’t think she fully understands that it is purely on financial grounds that you refused, perhaps part of her feels that you don’t want to move in with her per se/ that you don’t want your relationship to get to that level or what not. You need to reassure your girlfriend that it is purely on financial grounds, have a good talk with her about this else these insecurities that us women feel when a man says no to something that would bring a couple closer, will build up.
elaine567 Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 You are entitled to do what you think is right, but do not be surprised if this is the beginning of the end of your relationship. Moving in together is a big deal and the rejection of an offer puts the future of the relationship in jeopardy. Relationships need to grow and progress, your relationship just took a big backward step... As you already were thinking of moving to Vancouver to follow your film dreams and not even telling her, then you need to consider that you are just wasting her time... she may come to that conclusion by herself soon. 4
vv3469802 Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 Ironpony, I can't help you with advice but if your girl asked me advice - I would definitely answer her: give him an ultimate, either me or the film!=)
Author ironpony Posted October 25, 2019 Author Posted October 25, 2019 (edited) Ironpony, I can't help you with advice but if your girl asked me advice - I would definitely answer her: give him an ultimate, either me or the film!=) Yeah this is what happened with another filmmaker I worked with over the years, is that his gf gave him the same ultimate, and he had to choose. I also feel that my ex from before, had a problem with it as well. Where as I was hoping to be with my current gf and make the film, if possible... Edited October 25, 2019 by ironpony
Lisa_Lisa Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 Yeah this is what happened with another filmmaker I worked with over the years, is that his gf gave him the same ultimate, and he had to choose. I also feel that my ex from before, had a problem with it as well. Where as I was hoping to be with my current gf and make the film, if possible... As much as you may love and care for her, as a human being you can't put your dreams on hold for someone else otherwise you will grow old with lots of regret. This is your passion and your dream and your girlfriend's seems to be marriage and commitment so you're at a crossroads right now. Lots of relationships are usually only present tense, not necessarily meant to go down the aisle or even get to the grave (some people feel though that this is how it should be with every relationship), but that's not reality. Ultimatum's never work for either party so I think it's best that this one begin its step to the exit. Once you find success with your films and such, you'll have plenty of ladies to choose from with whom you can settle down with.
mortensorchid Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 You said no because you are doing other things now. You did jot end the relationship, you just don't want to move in together. Tell her you still want to be with her but this is not the time for you to be thinking about moving in together. I'm glad you have this dream of doing the film, truly, and she should understand that with the costs you can't do this right now.
Gaeta Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 She needs to be re-assured that you love her, you want to be with her, just not under the current circumstances. I am sure you can offer her a nice weekend with extra love and attention and she'll be fine. . 1
kendahke Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 She seemed really rejected when I turned her down on it. Don't get me wrong, we've dating for almost two years now and it's going pretty good. My reason was is that rent in her place, even if split would cost more for me still, and I might be out of a job soon, but also spending a lot of money on producing a feature film. If the movie gets distribution, I will hopefully make money back but if not, I might be in the poor house after it's over, so I don't know if I can move in right now. But she felt really rejected it seems now, that I have turned it down. Is there anything I should do, or how should I approach this? Is she going to cover your half of the rent? How badly does she want you to move in? You did the right thing and you will thank yourself in about 6 months from now.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 It sounds like you are using her for your own benefit and desires, when it's convenient for you and solely on your terms. After two years, if you're no where close to wanting to live with her, then marriage must be completely out of the question. I hope she realizes this and makes a sound decision on if she wants to keep wasting her time on a go-nowhere relationship. 2
Gaeta Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 After two years, if you're no where close to wanting to live with her, then marriage must be completely out of the question. I hope she realizes this and makes a sound decision on if she wants to keep wasting her time on a go-nowhere relationship. What the heck! Says who? the 1950 edition of How To Find A Good Husband? There is more to life than to 'be married' especially when you've been married and divorced already. What does she needs that this man isn't already giving her? Love, respect, affection, support. Why does he need to live under her roof for it to be real? 1
Ruby Slippers Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 After two years, if you're no where close to wanting to live with her, then marriage must be completely out of the question. I agree. Most women want the commitment of marriage and many of those want to start building a family. So she probably sees you as a guy who's stuck in extended adolescence, living with his parents and not yet building a solid career and future. If she's able to find what she wants, she will likely move on. 1
Gaeta Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 she just thought it would be good for our relationship and wants use to be closer with each other. . OP's GF has not mentioned wanting a bigger commitment, marriage or babies.
vla1120 Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 She seemed really rejected when I turned her down on it. Don't get me wrong, we've dating for almost two years now and it's going pretty good. My reason was is that rent in her place, even if split would cost more for me still, and I might be out of a job soon, but also spending a lot of money on producing a feature film. If the movie gets distribution, I will hopefully make money back but if not, I might be in the poor house after it's over, so I don't know if I can move in right now. But she felt really rejected it seems now, that I have turned it down. Is there anything I should do, or how should I approach this? I think there is an easy fix for this. I'm not sure how you answered her, but if I were you, I would say tell her that, while it is not feasible for you to move in with her TODAY, you DO want to live with her, and maybe the two of you can sit down together and come up with a plan. I don't know if she owns or rents. If she owns, then she's not going to want to move, but if she rents, perhaps you could plan to move to a new place together that might be less expensive than where she is living now? If that is not feasible, then give yourselves a timeline of how/when you plan to be making more money and can afford to live with her. When telling someone "no" for a situation where you would have wanted to say "yes", working together on an alternative is always a good plan.
Els Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 She's certainly within her rights to want to move in together... frankly, I can't imagine dating a 30+ yo man who lives permanently with his parents. Huge turn-off. But if you don't want to or can't pay your share of the bills, then don't. That being said, I am really curious how it is that you apparently work full-time and yet can't even afford to share a room with a partner? Is minimum wage really bad where you are, or are you just bad at saving? 2
Ruby Slippers Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 OP's GF has not mentioned wanting a bigger commitment, marriage or babies. Asking to live together was her asking for bigger commitment. Very few women are happy dating a man indefinitely with no progression, and it's been 2 YEARS - more than long enough for a man to figure out if he wants to get more serious with a woman. Personally, I'd lose interest in a man who wasn't taking clear steps toward merging our lives in a more meaningful way WAY sooner than 2 years in. 1
Gaeta Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 Maybe OP's girlfriend is not part of the *most women* that view marriage and babies as the ultimate goal in life. Two years is the very basic to get to know someone, so what if they have to wait another year! Will she stop breathing all of a sudden! Lets not assume anything OP hasn't said. . 1
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