What do I do?

[randori24]

I'm at my wits end, I really am.

 

I used to think this woman was the love of my life. Now, I'm not so sure. We'd been involved over 16 months, sometimes long distance. We really clicked in terms of personality, and in bed, and in a lot of other ways.

 

Timeline of events. Some background.

 

December 2002: We meet at a christmas party. She's going out with a friend. I'm in an LDR.

January 2003: I see my LDR in Toronto.

February 2003: I break up in my LDR with Canadian girl.

Spring/summer 2003: Various casual encounters. At this point she's in the background; still going out with my friend; although we fast become close friends.

November 2003: She is worried for her relationship with my friend. Leans on me. We nearly end up sleeping together.

December 2003: My friend dumps her.

January 2004: I kiss her on the lips at a New Year's bash in the pub to let her know I'm interested. She is still distraught over the breakup.

February/March 2004: We keep seeing each other as friends, only a lot more often.

April 2004: After much humming and hawwing, and spending a lot of time together, we start sleeping together.

May 2004: I basically get offered the job opportunity of a lifetime. Career maker. Only problem is, it's in the US. We're really getting into each other physically.

August 2004: I move to the US after tearful goodbyes. At this point we've fallen for each other despite trying to hold back.

October 2004: I fly back for a surprise weekend. We're very much in love.

November 2004: We meet each other in New York. We're very much in love. I tell her they've extended my contract - but if I stick it out they'll let me work from the UK. She expresses doubts - can't stand the LDR aspect (Neither could I...)

December 2004: I fly back to the UK. At first things are lovely. We fly to Berlin for a few days with a friend. Things aren't quite right during this trip. We have a huge argument when we get back and I get thrown out of her place with nowhere else to stay lined up.

January 2005: I have problems renewing my visa. I've ended up staying at my alcoholic friend's house. We work things out and begin seeing each other again.

February 2005: More of the same. I'm paranoid of her motives because of things the alcoholic friend has said. We manage to work through it together.

March 2005: I fly back to the US. That very morning we make love; all seems fine between us. I am in a severe project crunch and end up practically working round the clock for 6 weeks. I'd warned her this was likely to happen. We're rarely in contact and I never seem to get a chance to call, despite missing her severely.

April 2005: I fly back to the UK. Things have gone off the boil. She's begun to move on. Warns me of this before I fly back. I'm in tears. I manage to find a place 4 blocks away from hers, determined to work things out.

May 2005: Somehow we manage to get back together after a particularly nasty shouting match in the pub, and make love on the eve of her birthday dinner.

 

June 2005: Our happiness is short lived it seems. She's terribly worried about money. Being the proud and stubborn sort she plays this down and I'm really not sure how to approach the situation; I avoid discussing the issue so as not to rub her face in her problems; she won't let me pay for things still. We end up having an argument over her inviting me to dinner and asking me what I'd like. I say mussels. She hits the roof - but not at first; she turns on me with surprising force. My intention of course was to buy the ingredients for us both to enjoy. We're still sleeping together and having great sex.

 

July 2005: We haven't been able to see each other properly (i.e. sex) for several weeks because an ex of hers from years ago has been staying at her place (he has had nowhere else to go). At the end of the month, she dumps me, saying I'd financially humiliated her. I go ahead with the plans I'd made for that weekend anyway and invite her. She text messages me 6 hours too late to make the event. At this point I've given up and am out doing other things with other people. She then accuses me of avoiding her (in text). I reply, how can I be avoiding her if I tell her exactly where I am, what I'm doing, who I'm with, and invite her to take part. She replies, perhaps it's best we don't contact each other.

 

August 2005: After she runs no contact on me for just over a week, she texts me to announce that her dog is dying of cancer. I like a mug swallow it, get in touch, hoping we can work things out at a later date. One night I pop round to hers unannounced (bad idea) to drop by some books and wine while she's looking after her dog. I end up staying most of the night. I ask her if she'd like me to stay. She gives me the 'I don't love you anymore' speech; somehow she manages to turn the conversation to the subject of us, despite my saying 'That isn't an appropriate topic right now'.

I of course am in tears most of the next day.

 

September 2005: A difficult month. I had been practicing no contact for around 2 weeks, when she begins trying to contact me repeatedly online, starting late on a Friday night. I don't respond. She persists. I just want to give you these Monty Python MP3s, she says. I don't respond. Eventually I respond the following Friday and constantly run busy and unavailable, going out with other people, etc.

 

Around a week later we agree to meet in one of our usual pubs. (During my NC phase I'd dropped out of sight completely). We make lots of meaningful eye contact, we're in each other's space, she mentions she's feeling utterly worthless and that her life is on the wane, makes a sentimental comment about my schlong (her word). Doesn't go further than that, though I walk her home, suggest we go out for lunch (friendly like, we're doing 'friends' after all) no contact from her after that. Then I learn that her father was hospitalized, but he's ok now. Her sister's just given birth.

 

Since then we've had a couple of strange text message conversations by mobile phone. Both initiated by me I would add (I should really be stronger) - what puzzles me is that she'll respond to every single text. I'm not expressing neediness or clinginess outright in these messages, they are very casual and calm, asking her leading questions. She responds, but sometimes her responses are monosyllabic or quite short.

 

Now: I'm living 4 blocks away from her and I'm still not moving on. My feelings for her are ambivalent - some days I don't think of her at all, some days I'm filled with resentment for her and how she's treated me, and her unwillingness to reconcile, and other days I just miss her terribly. I got into this for the long haul, after all.

 

However. In the last week, I've kissed, cuddled, and slept with a woman we both met during our trip to Berlin who happens to be in London right now. I'm keen to take it further. She's German, and speaks English; we seem to be quite attracted to each other.

 

Both of whom are likely to be present at an event taking place this weekend.

 

i.e. Tommorrow.

 

What do I do. I really am thinking of running jealousy on her, but I don't want to hurt the German girl.

[Jayhawks]

I would take up with the German gal and move on from your crush. She seems unwilling to be in it for the long haul. She backs away when you are gone or gets bored and complains you don't spend enough time with her. She seems high maintenance and loves drama. I think you would be in for more of the same with the crush if you continue to pursue. She just doesn't seem to be into you enough to keep her interest. Easier to find someone who appreciates you more than trying to appease her appetites.

[randori24]

Just for the record... she's 40... I'm 27. We did discuss things near the beginning (last year) re kids, long term commitment etc., seemed to be in agreement, and I did bring up my possibly having to visit the US for work, although it wasn't definite at that stage, and I wasn't actively looking for it (they looked for me).

 

It gets a little bit easier every day, but I don't think I can be around her without it all flooding back; we had very passionate times.

 

The German girl is around the same age as her... I seem to prefer older women anyway. Hmmmm....