stillafool Posted November 6, 2019 Posted November 6, 2019 "because all of your friends are sluts"? This guy has absolutely no respect for you. Why would you even think of taking him back? 4
assertives Posted November 7, 2019 Posted November 7, 2019 He's already gaslighting, manipulating, guilt-tripping and disrespecting you and your friends before even starting (or restarting?) the relationship with you. How even is he still worth considering starting anything with? He's not even someone I would want to keep as a friend to be honest. You really REALLY need to raise your standards. This isn't going to be healthy, loving and fruitful relationship. 1
Author c1nderella Posted November 9, 2019 Author Posted November 9, 2019 If your prerequisite to reconciling with this guy is based on a clean STD report, you really need to check your standards. You are desiring a warm body. A man in your life. Aim higher. Are you going to again look past all the red flags YOU noticed from the get go because those flags don't go away. A clean bill of health doesn't change who he is. Those times he disappeared, I am sure he was out with other women. So don't for one minute think he was committed to only you. Block this guy. The more you dabble with toxic people the more you damage your self-esteem. You know he's not good for you. Remove yourself from delusion and start facing your reality. Obviously I care for my health and his since I still care for him but it’s not about the test..that’s not my pre-requisite for us getting back together, it’s about him doing something that I ask in order for this relationship to “work”. Obviously there are other things that I would like to put on the table and speaking face to face about them to him before going forward, but this is me seeing how much effort he will put to give him a second chance. if he postpones or doesn’t want to get tested as a condition for me to consider giving him a second chance then that means he will not put any effort into anything else going forward. Seeing this side of him makes me see him in a different way. This is obviously a different guy that I’m dealing with right now as his mask is off. And trust me it’s not a turn on. There’s so many clinics nearby that do the testing for free. It will not cost a thing for him, if he doesn’t get tested even though he says he’s “clean” because he made that other girl he was with after me get tested, that just means he’s lazy and he’s not going to even try to change or put effort into fixing things. So that’s what I am basing this on.
Author c1nderella Posted November 9, 2019 Author Posted November 9, 2019 (edited) "because all of your friends are sluts"? This guy has absolutely no respect for you. Why would you even think of taking him back? He's already gaslighting, manipulating, guilt-tripping and disrespecting you and your friends before even starting (or restarting?) the relationship with you. How even is he still worth considering starting anything with? He's not even someone I would want to keep as a friend to be honest. You really REALLY need to raise your standards. This isn't going to be healthy, loving and fruitful relationship. I told him once when I was drunk about a couple of lady friends that are “friendly” with guys and move on very fast right after a break up or have a side guy and he was worried at some point that I was the same way because I hung out with them. Unfortunately, there are women like this..and I don’t agree on it but there is. I confide a couple stories to him at one point just venting. Edited November 9, 2019 by c1nderella
Zahara Posted November 9, 2019 Posted November 9, 2019 (edited) Obviously I care for my health and his since I still care for him but it’s not about the test..that’s not my pre-requisite for us getting back together, it’s about him doing something that I ask in order for this relationship to “work”. Again, you need to raise your standards and expectations. You're failing to look at the bigger picture. You noted there were red flags from the beginning. This STD test is just one of many other issues he brings to the table. He disrespects you, gaslights you, manipulates you and those are big indicators for you to run. The only reason he is back is because you're currently a fallback. So even if he does the test, it isn't a positive indication as to his commitment to you or building a relationship with you. Obviously there are other things that I would like to put on the table and speaking face to face about them to him before going forward, but this is me seeing how much effort he will put to give him a second chance. if he postpones or doesn’t want to get tested as a condition for me to consider giving him a second chance then that means he will not put any effort into anything else going forward. Again, you need to come to terms with who your are dealing with. I suggest you go back and read your earlier posts about him. Sometimes we push the reality of someone away because we're too afraid to accept the truth of what's in front of us. He couldn't even make the effort to send you a text when all it takes is about two seconds when he was dating you. If someone isn't able to do the bare minimum for you, walk away. It usually doesn't change. There’s so many clinics nearby that do the testing for free. It will not cost a thing for him, if he doesn’t get tested even though he says he’s “clean” because he made that other girl he was with after me get tested, that just means he’s lazy and he’s not going to even try to change or put effort into fixing things. So that’s what I am basing this on. Forget about the clinic. If you're basing his efforts towards you on whether he wants to take an STD test, then you've set the bar too low. You shouldn't put yourself in such a situation especially after how he was treating you even before he slithered away. What are your standards? What are your expectations of a partner while you are in a relationship with him? How would he treat you? How would he show you his commitment? What would be his qualities? How would you prefer for the two of you to communicate in that relationship? Start journaling. Raise your standards by learning what it is your desire and what it is your deserve. When you fail to do that, you settle and force things to work with people that lack substance and infiltrate your self-esteem. Edited November 9, 2019 by Zahara
stillafool Posted November 9, 2019 Posted November 9, 2019 I don't care what you told him about your friends sexual behavior he has no right to address them as sluts. What is he? Sounds like the same thing to me. He has no respect for you because even you said he was acting like you won a prize by him coming back. When are women going to raise their standards? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted November 9, 2019 Posted November 9, 2019 OP, you really need to give your head a shake. This isn't just about him getting an STI test. There are a number of other serious problems with this guy. Go back and re-read your own posts about this person. Remember this: when you date low-quality men, you will get low-quality relationships. 3
Author c1nderella Posted November 17, 2019 Author Posted November 17, 2019 I wanted to give the last update on what’s going on and in case someone is going through something similar please learn from my experience. idk how to close this thread but yeah. So since I last posted not much happened...I got tested and everything came back negative, thank god. Of course as it was expected he didn’t get his test because he was “busy” the whole week lol he never made any plans to get together so we never even met up. He did text to ask me for a handjob the other day which I said no to of course. So yeah he was more narcissistic than ever this time around and I just did not recognize him anymore. Maybe because I’m not blind anymore he just annoyed me more and more. But I am totally fine..I realized that Im not losing anything with him. I’ve decided to move back home, or closer to home in the next few months. Not because of him but because I’m really missing my family and I miss my Latino food which I don’t have where I currently live. Plus it’s way too expensive to live here and I really just want to settle down somewhere and i dont see it being here. Anyways, thank you all for your support and advice. I very much appreciate it and I’m going to take every advice and the lessons I’ve learned from this bad experience and move on to the next chapter of my life. 2
preraph Posted November 17, 2019 Posted November 17, 2019 Glad you are moving ahead with your life. Yeah, you need to get back to family and that good food! He was no good, you know that now. Just taking what he can get. 1
spiderowl Posted November 18, 2019 Posted November 18, 2019 I'm so glad you are seeing him for what he is now. The guy is a player. He did not have time to text you because he was playing with other girls. He likes to be in control of a relationship. You dumping him took him out of control so he tried to reinstate his control. It was not about love for him. I suspect that when other women dumped him he tried to take control by turning up and harassing them, hence the police getting involved. I think this guy could be a serious problem. It is good you have got him out of your life. Because of his need to maintain control, I am 99% sure he will try to manipulate you again in some way. Be prepared. Finally, his behaviour towards you is not your fault. You are genuine and trusting. He is not. If he disrespected you by failing to keep in touch, etc., it was not because you are not worthy, it was because he like pulling strings and playing games. You have shown him you are worth more than him and that's the first step towards healing yourself. Great stuff!
kendahke Posted November 18, 2019 Posted November 18, 2019 He called me a liar, said he didn’t believe me because all my friends are sluts Oh. My. God. What a complete fail his understanding is on the transitive property of equality. No, he's projecting--he didn't believe you because this is the kind of mind-eff he runs on women and that has nothing to do with who or what your friends are. However, the thing that strikes me is the fact that you didn't hang up on him after he insulted your integrity and esteem in this instant and block him forever. You've discounted your worth in order to remain attractive to him. I told him if he wanted to be with me again he had to get checked, he kept saying he knows he was good because he made HER get checked. I was like “ idc about her!!! If you want to be with me go get tested show me the results and we can start from there”. He proposed we go together to the clinic to get tested. What do y’all think about all this bull crap? I think it's a game you enjoy playing with him. It says a lot about you being nowhere near done with this guy... and this is going to continue.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 18, 2019 Posted November 18, 2019 Im not losing anything with him.[/b] You're really not. He's bad news. You will be gaining space in your heart and mind for a decent guy, though, since you are dropping dead weight. Was he more narcissitic than ever this time? Maybe. I tend to think it's more likely that you've just stopped trying to excuse away his bad behaviour and your blinders are slowly coming off. It sounds like there have been issues with him all along, and you're realizing that he is not the guy you wanted him to be and you were giving him far too much credit. Moving forward, I would definitely take some time to yourself. Even a little more than a week ago, you would have been willing to give this clown another shot if he just came to you with a clean STI test. That's nowhere near enough to let someone like this in your life. In kindness, you need to work on your own standards so you don't get wrapped up with another guy like him in the future. You deserve far better.
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