Is this “space” or broken up?

[preraph]

I understand how guys can be when they're busy with their music, but they should tell you beforehand here is what the next couple of weeks is going to be like. Instead he drops the ball and is mad at you for pressure.

 

Also, when guys are working on music, sometimes there ARE women around, so there's always that.

[Londy]

The way he's going about this says volumes about him and it's not good. Not the sort of guy you could ever have an open and honest relationship with even if he WAS interested- and he isn't. He's acting like a teenager, I'm surprised he didn't act like a prick just to force you into pulling the plug- that's what kids do.

[c1nderella]

I feel like poop today...I was feeling ok yesterday after I sent that message and today I felt like crap. To some extent I was hoping that he would reply to apologize atleast and nothing. Which makes me feel hurt because it’s obvious he never really gave a rats ass about me. Nor needed to defend himself after insulting his manhood for not being honest.

 

It’s like I don’t exist to him. Or he just doesn’t feel any empathy for his behavior and feels he is the victim not me. It’s like he doesn’t feel he’s done nothing wrong. And that really hurts. It’s not like we were together for years but after 10 months even though we didn’t see each other much due to his “busy schedule” I learned to care for him but to him I was just there for entertainment and now that he didn’t have the decency to say anything to me after I reached out makes me feel so low and worthless. i haven’t felt “love” for a significant other in over 10 years and this time when I finally did and thought it was reciprocated it felt very good. so it hurts that the first time after so many years that I tell someone I love them and tried everything to keep them with me they betray me like this.

 

I’ve been drinking a lot since this whole thing happened and it’s really taking a toll on me. I’m not doing good. At all. As much as I try to tell myself and convince myself that I’m worth more than him I just feel so small. I start imagining him with other women and it hurts to think he’s Having sex with someone else that’s not me. I feel disgusted and hurt all at the same time. I’m a mess idk what to do..I know there are other people who’s cases are worst than mine and I’m probably just being a baby..

Edited October 26, 2019 by c1nderella

[Maggiemay1]

Clearly you are not in a relationship with him. You have been sleeping with him for 10 months under his terms and conditions only. And I’m guessing others have been too.

 

Where are YOUR terms and conditions?

 

In business it’s called T&C’s, in relationships it’s called boundaries.

 

Define your boundaries and stick to them.

[ExpatInItaly]

I understand why you are hurt and disappointed, OP. It's a very unpleasant experience.

 

However, you can let this be a huge life lesson in identifying and sticking to your own boundaries. It sounds to me like you excused a lot of behaviour that made you uncomfortable because you were afraid of scaring him off if you brought it up. Him being silent for days or generally too busy to make much time for you were the big ones, it seems.

 

It's important not to give your heart to someone like this, who isn't consistently and clearly reciprocating the time and attention you put into the relationship. Don't let this guy be a measuring stick of your self-worth.

[bene]

You feel bad now but you’ll get over him and wonder what did you even see in him in a first place. Unfortunately it looks like he didn’t see it as a relationship at all. You were probably a nice enough girl to meet every once in a while but he obviously kept you at arms length. Yes, it is crappy behavior to string you along like this but not all people are decent and consider other people’s feelings. This is where you need to stand up for yourself.

 

You can learn from this experience and make a mental note for future relationships. If you find yourself in a position where you constantly need to shift your boundaries, find excuses for the guy and compromise your own basic needs then it is just not right. Everything flows a lot more naturally in a decent relationship where both respect each other.

[c1nderella]

Thank you for all the replies. Still feel very depressed but I’m starting to accept the situation. I’ve unfriended him from Facebook and messenger and Instagram but since his stuff is still public I can see his pictures. I had to temporarily delete those apps off my phone so I wouldnt go to his profile anymore to see him. And I don’t want to bring him up in conversation anymore with my friends. Hopefully I start to feel better. I’ve been through worst it’s just been a while since my last heartbreak.

 

Like they say, if your situation keeps repeating it’s because you havnt learned your lesson. I hope that I take everything I’ve learned from this so I can be genuinely happy one day.

[Maggiemay1]

You are doing well!!

 

You don’t need to cut those apps out of your life if you get something positive from them.

If you block him on those apps then you won’t be able to see his profiles.

 

Curious as to why you don’t want to bring him up in conversation with your friends?

Is that because of conflicting thoughts ? Or because you you want to enjoy their company again ?

 

You deserve to be treated well no matter what.

Don’t be aftaid in future of respecting your thoughts and what you want from a relationship.

And if the guy isn’t reciprocating then lose him rather than try keep him.

It’s not about externally demanding , it’s about internally accepting another as they are or not.

[c1nderella]

You are doing well!!

 

You don’t need to cut those apps out of your life if you get something positive from them.

If you block him on those apps then you won’t be able to see his profiles.

 

Curious as to why you don’t want to bring him up in conversation with your friends?

Is that because of conflicting thoughts ? Or because you you want to enjoy their company again ?

 

You deserve to be treated well no matter what.

Don’t be aftaid in future of respecting your thoughts and what you want from a relationship.

And if the guy isn’t reciprocating then lose him rather than try keep him.

It’s not about externally demanding , it’s about internally accepting another as they are or not.

 

Thank you! I still think of him all day everyday and cry at times when I hear of songs on the radio that remind me of him and his music genre but I guess I’m better than a few days ago atleast.

 

I don’t want to talk to my friends about him anymore because just saying his name or talking about what happened out loud I feel it makes me upset. Like at work my friends will ask me how I’m doing and I just say I’m good fake a smile and try to change the subject. My roommate asked me today if I’ve heard from him and I just said “no! and I’m over it! I’ve made my peace with it” and changed the subject. In a way I just want to pretend he never existed. So not talking about him with them helps me “forget” even though he’s constantly in my mind.

 

I’m conflicted at the moment as I’m living in a different state with no family here. I moved here all alone to work on myself away from family drama. I basically stayed for him because I really just wanted to move back home when I went back to visit a couple months ago. I really missed my family and I was very sad to leave them for a second time. But I told myself I had to come back because he was here waiting for me and I felt I couldn’t let go of him if this was going to turn into something special eventually. Now...he’s gone and wish I was back home because I’m scared that I will run into him here.

 

I do like it here but it’s hard when you’re all alone. Far away from home. I mean I keep telling myself that I was alone when I first moved here and basically felt all alone when I was with him and now I’m alone after him so it really makes no difference lol ..just don’t ever want to run into him. My friends say I shouldn’t care to just pretend he doesn’t exist. So idk what to do. I know I shouldn’t let him dictate what I do with my life and he shouldn’t be the reason I move away.

[Legatus]

The fact that you stayed in a different for him explains why your attachment goes beyond, even after how he has been treating you.

 

Not talking about him.. If you don't feel like it you shouldn't.

 

Pretending he didn't exist will probably not achieve anything. I "love" how people just say "don't care" and expect that those words will magically make it happen. It's not easy like that. You clearly invested a lot of yourself in this and got nothing in return. That will hurt. If you didn't care I think that would be worse. You would be becoming like him.

 

I think you're still doing great. Ups and downs are natural. With time, his name being mentioned won't cause you any grief and even bumping him on the streets will be less than seeing a stranger!

[Versacehottie]

So idk what to do. I know I shouldn’t let him dictate what I do with my life and he shouldn’t be the reason I move away.

 

I also think you are doing great. It's normal what you are going through, compounded by the fact that you live where the majority of your friends and family aren't.

 

I love that you have the wisdom in this newly hurt state to say what you said above. I think that is the right attitude. Now you just need to get comfortable "applying" it and allow yourself to move forward in a way that is best for you, not one that stagnates your progress. On one hand, a little feeling stuck or not wanting to run into him so limiting activities or people where that might happen is normal--but there is a limit where you want to keep living your best life doing the things you love with people that make you happy. If you have similar interests, ages or friend groups on some level it's inevitable that you might run into each other.

 

I think the next step is to be active with a framework of how you can see the next few weeks/months of your life to support the life you want to have and make progress that is for you. Think of activities that would be fun or stretch yourself a little--whether it's a challenge or socially a challenge to make new friends or try new things. Create support for yourself by building an infrastructure where you are--both externally with friends, new friends, interests and internally, i.e. backing off if it's too much, being kind to yourself. I think also going back to your original intention of why you moved to this area, i.e. to work on yourself is a great thing to spend time on. When you are hurting, often it's a great time to learn from the experience and about yourself and put some of the things you learn into action that you can continue learning and exploring from. Also maybe consider moving back--or for sure visiting--your hometown. Put events in the near future that you can look forward to and get ready for, however small. Actually usually small is the key. Small movements will lead to big change. Good luck

[c1nderella]

Yeah I was and still feel attached to him. After seeing him I would always get sad afterwards because Each time it felt like that was going to be the last time I was going to see him. Or I would start feeling anxious if I didn’t hear from him afterwards or if he took a while to reply or left me on read because I started to feel like he was going to abandon me. Sucks that all these fears I had came true.

 

I really miss him. I just want to know how he is. How his music is coming along..something. I logged back into my social media apps and I don’t follow him but his stuff is public on Instagram I look at his profile sometimes to see if he’s posted anything which he hasn’t. He never really posted much..he’s more of a lurker I think. I know looking at his stuff sets me back to square one. I’ve accepted we’re done but I can’t help but miss him and there’s nothing I can do.

 

I made him promise me to let me know if he ever meets someone else or if he just wasn’t happy with me. He would tell me if there were things he didn’t like at times so I trusted that he would tell me what was going on but he didn’t. He stayed silent and never sent a response to my text...never called. Really shows how little he cared for me or if at all and that hurts.

 

Sucks that I know I should be happy that a narcissist did me a favor and disappeared on me but I still love him. In a way I wish I was like him so I wouldnt feel anything right now. No empathy, no remorse, no love, no care in the world..not missing anyone. But I’m not like that.

Edited November 1, 2019 by c1nderella

[Legatus]

And thank all the gods and fairies you are not like him. The world doesn't need people who feel nothing, we do need more people like you. Yes it's tough and frustrating, and emotional pain is sometimes stronger than physical one. We do, however, get through those roadblocks with our heads held high and we come out even stronger, but still empathic and full of life and feelings.

 

Do not think that being like him is actually better! You will learn from it and become stronger whereas he will always stay who he is.. that is nothing to be jealous about..

[ExpatInItaly]

It's normal that you still feel attached to him, OP. That will take a while to fade, but it will happen.

 

It seems that while you appreciated some tangible qualities of his, you miss the idea of him more than you miss the reality of him. Feeling anxious upon saying goodbye after a date because you don't know when you'll hear from him again is a significant indication that this wasn't headed in the right direction and you and he saw this relationship differently. You hoped that it had potential, and felt good in the moment when you did see him, but there doesn't seem to have been a solid basis of mutual investment to build on.

 

He could have been more considerate towards you and clearer about his intentions, absolutely. I also certainly understand that it hurts that he hasn't replied to you at all. The best you can do is see this as the sign that this guy really isn't the one for you, and that you will be free now to eventually meet one who is on the same page.

 

Moving forward, I would encourage you to be more firm in your own boundaries and not give too much to someone who isn't reciprocating. Rather than waiting around and hoping a guy will pull through, be confident enough to walk away when someone isn't committing in the way you hoped.

[notthatintome]

Idk if he’s still taking his “space” or we are done for good. I really love him so much and just wanted him to be ok if he really was going through a lot of pressure and I didn’t want him to resent me if I was adding to that you know? I would just like to hear from him but I’m trying to keep my word and not contact him until he’s ready but idk if he will come back now. I’ve been very depressed and moody and everything this whole week. Do you guys think I should just let him come to me and stick to NC or should I reach out to him? Or just move on with my life and accept that he’s not coming back?

 

I’ll appreciate any opinions you guys may have..thank you.

 

I really felt for you when I read this. You seem like a lovely person who clearly loves her boyfriend (I assume he is your boyfriend) and you are doing everything you can to make it work.

 

I think he has been very unfair to you. Instead of showing you the respect you deserve by ending it, he has strung you along, purposely pushing you away in the hope that you will end things because he is too much of a coward to do it himself. He just wanted it to fizzle out but after 10 months of being with someone, that was never going to happen. Then he has the cheek to call you possessive when you are questioning why you haven't heard from your boyfriend for several days!!

 

From what I have read you have been really patient with him but I also read that you are pushing your own needs and wants aside for him. Unfortunately the love you have for him is not reciprocated and its time for you to move on and leave this guy behind. You deserve someone who will love you in the way you need to be loved. Give him space indefinitely and your revenge will be getting on with your life and living it to the full, without him. It is only then he will potentially live with regret.

 

If it was me I would send a polite but assertive text message airing my disappointment in him and wish him well for the future.

 

It will be hard at first but when you recover from this heartbreak you will realise that this guy was never worth your time and tears.

 

Keep strong and stay lovely You deserve more than the treatment you have been given.

Edited November 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed spacing

[c1nderella]

And thank all the gods and fairies you are not like him. The world doesn't need people who feel nothing, we do need more people like you. Yes it's tough and frustrating, and emotional pain is sometimes stronger than physical one. We do, however, get through those roadblocks with our heads held high and we come out even stronger, but still empathic and full of life and feelings.

 

Do not think that being like him is actually better! You will learn from it and become stronger whereas he will always stay who he is.. that is nothing to be jealous about..

 

 

Just FYI....I’ve been drinking and need to vent.

 

You’re right. He was lucky to have someone like me in his life. One day he will regret letting me go. But being the way he is..I don’t think he’ll ever settle down with any girl and he’ll never find true happiness ..he will always feel empty and that will be his karma. And me on the other hand whether I find someone who truly loves me and appreciates me or if I just end up finding happiness within myself but I will not have that emptiness and I will be happy. I know I have a lot of love to give and it was his loss that he didn’t want it.

 

It seemed like he always had issues with girls too which confirms that it’s him the problem. He told me about how one girl he dated got really upset when he showed up late to her house when she was expecting him at a certain time and he made it sound like the girl was the crazy one. She ended up calling the cops on him and put a restraining order on him. Obviously he didn’t tell me the whole truth because no girl calls the cops for no reason. I totally could relate to her since he was always “forgetting” our plans and rescheduling all the time. It was very frustrating. Very unreliable. I can’t even imagine the things he probably will say or has said about me. I’ve never acted like this with him at all. Gave him plenty of space and affection and made him feel good in every way. I do not deserve this bull****. How the **** do I get him out of my head?? Will a rebound help? Lol ughhhh

Edited November 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting

[ExpatInItaly]

He told me about how one girl he dated got really upset when he showed up late to her house when she was expecting him at a certain time and he made it sound like the girl was the crazy one. She ended up calling the cops on him and put a restraining order on him. Obviously he didnÂ’t tell me the whole truth

 

No kidding. A judge won't issue a restraining order just for showing up late to his girlfriend's house. You definitely don't even know a fraction of the truth on that one. How long ago did you learn that, and did you not see this as a red flag? I would have strongly reconsidered the relationship the moment I heard something like that.

 

Honestly? I don't think he will be miserable. Why? He doesn't sound like the type who wants a committed relationship. He's fine not having to answer to anyone and live life on his terms and his terms only. It would be different if he were genuinely seeking a relationship and kept getting in his own way, but I don't have the impression he truly wants a girlfriend and the expectations that come with a typical relationship. It's no skin off his back to bounce from woman to woman and never get in too deep.

 

I don't say that to make you feel worse, but rather to remind you that you were really with the wrong guy. You want what many of us do, which is a consistent and loving partner. This man doesn't ever appear to have been up for that. The important take-away from all of this is that you can't love someone into loving you back. You can be the greatest girlfriend ever, but you need to be careful about who you offer that gift to.

[c1nderella]

No kidding. A judge won't issue a restraining order just for showing up late to his girlfriend's house. You definitely don't even know a fraction of the truth on that one. How long ago did you learn that, and did you not see this as a red flag? I would have strongly reconsidered the relationship the moment I heard something like that.

 

Honestly? I don't think he will be miserable. Why? He doesn't sound like the type who wants a committed relationship. He's fine not having to answer to anyone and live life on his terms and his terms only. It would be different if he were genuinely seeking a relationship and kept getting in his own way, but I don't have the impression he truly wants a girlfriend and the expectations that come with a typical relationship. It's no skin off his back to bounce from woman to woman and never get in too deep.

 

I don't say that to make you feel worse, but rather to remind you that you were really with the wrong guy. You want what many of us do, which is a consistent and loving partner. This man doesn't ever appear to have been up for that. The important take-away from all of this is that you can't love someone into loving you back. You can be the greatest girlfriend ever, but you need to be careful about who you offer that gift to.

 

 

He told me this around the 6 month mark. He even said he wouldn’t have told me this story at the beginning because I would have probably seen this as a red flag lol there was another story he told me about another girl who called the cops on him too. But this one apparently was on drugs he said. Because of those situations he said he was always “cautious” about relationships. That he always ended up getting the short end of the stick. He also complained how other people didn’t seem to like him and used to say “I know I look good, I don’t understand why girls don’t talk to me” ..again me very confused. Why would you want other girls attention when we’re supposed to be in a relationship? He was very confusing.

 

If he’s going from girl to girl, and doesn’t want to commit he shouldn’t be saying he loves them. I don’t think he knows what love is at all. I most definitely was with the wrong person as always. Gave too much of myself to someone who didn’t deserve me. I just wish I could stop feeling sad about this.

Edited November 3, 2019 by c1nderella

[ExpatInItaly]

He told me this around the 6 month mark. He even said he wouldn’t have told me this story at the beginning because I would have probably seen this as a red flag lol there was another story he told me about another girl who called the cops on him too.

 

Funny how he is the common denominator there. That is indeed a red flag. Millions of people go their whole lives without ever being reported to police; it is a little too convenient when this person's already managed to have done at least twice (that he admits to) and had a restraining order placed on him. I bet there is so much more he hasn't told you, either. He's omitted and edited out certain details, no doubt about it.

 

The more you write, the sketchier this guy sounds. My guess is if you knew the full, unvarnished truth about him, you would have walked a long time ago. As such, you won't be sad over him for long. It doesn't sound like you lost out on anything, and are actually sadder at losing who you thought he was and wanted him to be, rather than who he really is.

 

Out of curiosity, how did you justify (to yourself) staying with him after finding out about these brushes with the law?

Edited November 3, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[c1nderella]

 

Out of curiosity, how did you justify (to yourself) staying with him after finding out about these brushes with the law?

 

 

Well the way he told the story made it seem like he was the victim. Like he did nothing wrong so I didn’t think too much into it. He didn’t show any signs of being a violent person at all so I just thought maybe it was a case of “wrong place, wrong time” kind of thing. He is actually a very gentle feminine guy.

 

I know there had to be so much more to him than I knew. Wonder about that a lot.

Edited November 4, 2019 by c1nderella

[c1nderella]

And thank all the gods and fairies you are not like him. The world doesn't need people who feel nothing, we do need more people like you.

 

 

Re-reading my thread drunk and your comment makes me tear up the most. Thank you.

 

I was with someone who didn’t accept me for who I was and complained that I was “too much at times” when I was just being sweet and loving ..said it was “heavy” for him at some point. Kinda makes you think ..”Damn, maybe I’m the problem!” Made me think there was something wrong with me, so I had to adjust my sweetness and the way I showed love so I wouldn’t be too clingy or “too much” for him so he wouldn’t run away..and I loved him and accepted him just the way he was. One day, after waking up from our nap.. I rolled over on top of him just to kiss him and he said with a very assertive voice, “What are you doing!?”. And I said, “just wanted to give you a billion kisses” kissed him a couple times on his cheek and I rolled my ass away.

 

After that, I felt like I had done something horrible. Who feels like that after trying to show affection to the person they love? No one lol

 

I just wasn’t meant for a relationship. But thank you for your comment. Makes me feel better about myself. I work with animals all day since I work at a kennel; they’re deserving of all the love I have to give and that’s where I’ll spread it.

Edited November 5, 2019 by c1nderella

[c1nderella]

Ugh idk what I’m feeling right now. I’m angry, I’m happy, I’m scared and I’m sad. He reached out and said “ It's too bad we got off on this note. When you got upset with me I just didnt know how to respond”, I responded like a dumbass saying anything was better than giving me the silent treatment. He was basically very selfish like as if I had won a prize after him coming back. He admitted he never cheated on me but that he did see someone else later after me but it didn’t work out.

 

I went off! He asked me if I had been with anyone and I told him no, that I had just been focusing on myself. He called me a liar, said he didn’t believe me because all my friends are sluts and that he was sure I needed that attention when he wasn’t giving it to me. I told him it was very hypocritical of him to say those things to me when he ****ed some other girl and unfortunately it didn’t work out with her and he was back to me.

 

He said he wanted to get back together but that he didn’t believe me that I hadn’t been with anyone else. I told him I didn’t care if he believed me or not. Ugh the whole thing basically was like arguing and telling each other that we did miss each other and we were happy to some extent.

 

I told him if he wanted to be with me again he had to get checked, he kept saying he knows he was good because he made HER get checked. I was like “ idc about her!!! If you want to be with me go get tested show me the results and we can start from there”. He proposed we go together to the clinic to get tested.

 

What do y’all think about all this bull crap?

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you need to block this punk for good, and work on raising your standards for the men you let into your life.

[healing light]

You need to go to the clinic alright--to get yourself tested because I don't buy this BS that he didn't overlap the sex with the other girl with your relationship. He obviously met her, did the slow fade with you, then turned it around on you so he made himself out as the victim like you were crazy and possessive when you called him on his crappy behavior (gaslighting/darvo 101, as another poster mentioned).

 

Get rid of this guy, he has nothing to offer you but heartache and potential STDs.

[Zahara]

If your prerequisite to reconciling with this guy is based on a clean STD report, you really need to check your standards.

 

You are desiring a warm body. A man in your life. Aim higher.

 

Are you going to again look past all the red flags YOU noticed from the get go because those flags don't go away. A clean bill of health doesn't change who he is.

 

Those times he disappeared, I am sure he was out with other women. So don't for one minute think he was committed to only you.

 

Block this guy. The more you dabble with toxic people the more you damage your self-esteem. You know he's not good for you. Remove yourself from delusion and start facing your reality.