Is this “space” or broken up?

[c1nderella]

Hey guys,

 

So I’ve been with my bf for about 10 months..well no longer together as of a week ago..I think..well this is why I’m here actually lol because idk if this was just a “space” kind of like a break or an actual breakup.

 

A month ago, we went together to a work event my job hosted at an ice rink. He was very excited to go with me and was very excited as well to meet my coworker friends. On our way home he asked me if I wanted to come over his house that Wednesday and I told him yes just let me know ( he’s one of those that will make plans and “forget” he had them or reschedule for another day so I’ve always left that up to him). So we didn’t end up meeting but he texted me the day after to see when I was free so we could hang out I let him know and I still didn’t see him that week. He texts me that Sunday to say he was wondering about me and hoped I had a great weekend.

 

That Monday I was feeling something was wrong? Idk so I texted him to ask him if he was still happy with me and hoped the work get together wasn’t too much pressure for him and he replied saying he was happy with me and everything was fine and thanked me for being open about that. I replied to tell him I was very happy with him and that I just wanted to make sure he was too and he said it was very sweet of me to say that.

 

I didn’t hear from him for 5 days....I didn’t think much of it because he has gone radio silence before on me for 5-6 days tops. I called him drunk on day 5 and he didn’t answer but he did texted me back when I asked him where he was. I told him I didn’t like that I hadn’t heard from him in almost a week and I was asking all kinds of reassuring questions..making sure he wasn’t seeing anyone else to get an explanation as to why I hadn’t seen him in almost 2 weeks!! He said he had just been occupied with his music production and working out etc. We continued the talk next day about the same thing and I told him that if he wasn’t happy that I wanted to know and if there was someone else to just be honest. He told me that there was no one else but that if I wasn’t happy with the amount of time we see each other that I should see someone else. Of course I said I wanted to be with him I just got sad and worried sometimes if I didn’t see him for a while ..I told him I was probably just very emotional from my time of the month and asked him to contact me once he was free to hang out...

 

Again..didn’t hear from him for 6 days!!! I broke the silence and this time he was saying the same thing that he was working on his music so he can perform soon and also assumed I had another guy!?..I was very confused and reassured him I wasn’t and that I was trying to be patient because I know his music was important to him. He texts me a couple days later saying he wasn’t going to have his phone the next day that he was going to talk to me later. I didn’t ask any questions just thanked him for letting me know and that I really missed him... no reply.

 

I waited a couple days and still didn’t hear from him so I called him after work..he didn’t answer but texted saying he was home and asked if I was ok. I told him I was just reaching out since I hadn’t heard from him. He said he was sorry he has been distracted lately and hasnt been feeling like himself. He said he didn’t like the pressure I put on him but that he really did care about me. I then got very defensive because I really hadn’t been trying to put pressure on him at all and was feeling like he was pushing me away and sabotaging us. He said after a little time passes when we don’t talk or see each other I get a little possessive. Which if I ever did was because I hadn’t seen him!!! And we were barely talking. I explained I was trying to give him space and was trying to be patient with him that I thought this whole thing was bull****. He didn’t reply.

 

A couple hours later that night..I texted him saying this “I can’t stand going to sleep mad at you. We’re obviously not happy with each other at the moment. Just wanted to tell you I won’t contact you anymore so you can have your space and work on whatever it is you’re going through without having to worry about me. You can reach out once you’re ready to talk. Goodnight”. He replied with “Thanks for the message. Will keep that in mind. Good night Hun”....... it’s been 8 days now...and havnt heard a peep....

 

Idk if he’s still taking his “space” or we are done for good. I really love him so much and just wanted him to be ok if he really was going through a lot of pressure and I didn’t want him to resent me if I was adding to that you know? I would just like to hear from him but I’m trying to keep my word and not contact him until he’s ready but idk if he will come back now. I’ve been very depressed and moody and everything this whole week. Do you guys think I should just let him come to me and stick to NC or should I reach out to him? Or just move on with my life and accept that he’s not coming back?

 

I’ll appreciate any opinions you guys may have..thank you.

Edited October 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExpatInItaly]

Were you two ever official? It sounds like he's always been less enthused, if he "forgets" his plans with you and has previously gone days without talking to you. And it seems you have been trying to overlook those signs that things weren't right. In any event, yes, it's time for you to move on.

 

He's not serious about you and doesn't want to have something steady and committed with you. This isn't about feeling stressed by his music or whatever he's telling you - this is him showing you very clearly that you and he want two different things. He is fine with being quite casual and not talking regularly, and you understandably would like a boyfriend who is present and consistent.

 

He isn't worried about "sabotaging" the relationship; in fact, it seems like it's his goal to get you to take the hint and move on. That is what he was getting at by suggesting you find someone else if you want more connection, and him accusing you of having another guy. I don't think he actually believes that, nor cares, but was trying to get you to dump him so he doesn't have to feel like the bad guy.

 

Don't waste more time and energy on him. There's no future here.

[Flame Aura]

5/6 days without any sort of contact and it happens often? What kind of relationship is that? It isn't one.

 

 

He is clearly not into you that much, if at all, and quite simply doesn't care.

 

 

Time to let this one go and find someone who appreciates you for you and actually wants to be part of your life, cos this one doesn't.

[Twizzlestick]

Op

 

I recognised so much of your account in my rele back up last year. I’ll keep it brief to avoid turning it into a “talk about me” rather give you the similarities

 

10 years rele. Ex changed feelings.

She came back after a “massive change of heart” but still wanted to take it slow. Agreed to be “on a break” to give more space but wanted to be on contact (confusing?).

One min talking like we were back together the next cold. This lasted months. Que regular periods (week at a time) of ghosting.

The odd phone call lasting 3 mins where she’d check in then have to go.

I’d ask questions (like you did). One min she’d be telling me she wanted a future the next cold and distant and downright angry.

I’d complain I was being mistreated by the sporadic calls. Que que lots and lots of gaslighting and anger that she “doesn’t need this and I’m stressing her out” (like yourself, spot the theme)

 

Nutshell. He’s out. It’s a slow fade. His fading is done and you’re inly hearing from him because he doesn’t have the nuts to make the final cut - yet. Don’t allow yourself to be put through the months and months of agony I did. Right now, you don’t have a relationship. Not a functioning one. It doesn’t matter what label is on the tin.

 

Arrange to talk. Sit him down, say this isn’t working like this and you need to work together. If he’s anything other than on board. Then tell him it’s clearly over (by actions without the mere words) and you need to be able to process it and move forward rather than be kept prisoner by carrot dangling in a dead rele. Then start the process of dealing with it being over - NC etc etc.

 

If you can do that you’ll have the strength of Samson. It’s really hard. He’ll likely pull you back in and eventually he’ll drop you. It might take that to happen but be aware this can go on for months. Just look after yourself. What would you advise a friend to do? Leave this non functioning “rele” I’m guessing. Bare that in mind.

[stillafool]

It sounds like he is trying to "dump" you without really saying so. No one is so busy that they don't make time for the one they love. It seems like he was hoping you are now dating another man to relieve his guilt of basically ghosting you. Do not call him again because he's no longer interested in you but doesn't want to hurt your feelings by coming out and saying it. It's over.

[Versacehottie]

Lots of good replies. Sorry this doesn't sound good at all. I even think he might be cheating.

 

So needless to say, the additional advice i would give is to not keep being nice. Don't talk to him, don't say "when you're ready to talk i'm here", etc. Right now you are letting everything be on his terms and he has no threat in his mind that he is in danger of losing you. He's treating you like he would lose you with his actions AND words, so get lost/do not hang on. Take time to create a you that is stronger, more confident and not a doormat to his bad behavior. It just may be the dynamic that has been created between you two but also there could be some work that you do to work on your boundaries and standards of what you will accept and to speak up in a way that is not only supportive and understanding (all to his benefit/desperate) but also that is strong and advocates what you want with any guy (or people in general).

 

I think he's treating you badly and not like a boyfriend at all. You should take your hall pass and run with it. I know it's not easy at first but your best bet with a guy that is like this is to be totally selfish and not understanding. During this period for sure and also if he comes back that he jumps through lots of hoops. I'm not sure he would ever change enough on his spectrum to be worth being a boyfriend though. See? you need to qualify someone to be worthy of entering YOUR life--not the other way around. Good luck.

[Gaeta]

I am sorry OP but when a man doesn't take time to reach to you for weeks, when he suggests you should find someone else, when you contact him he's surprised you have not found someone else....that man is emotionally gone for good.

 

 

 

I know you love him a great deal but that love was not shared by him.

[GraceAndJoy]

My ex was like this with all his prior girlfriends--he hated to be the bad guy when he wanted to end a relationship, so he would refuse to end it. He just treated them like this until THEY ended it. That way he preserved his "good guy complex" if you can call it that...telling himself and others that they grew apart and she ended things.

 

Sorry, but he's over you. I suggest you grieve it and look forward, not back.

[kendahke]

He told me if I wasn’t happy with the amount of time we see each other that I should see someone else.

 

He sounds married or in a relationship. Despite what he's telling you, he's on someone else's emotional leash.

 

I used to do music production back before cell phones were a thing and midi sequencers were introduced and you can carve out 10 minutes to answer a phone call--you can certainly send a few texts responding to things.

 

Anytime anyone offers you up to date other people and you're supposed to be in a relationship with them, that means they're nowhere near being as serious about the involvement as you are.

[schlumpy]

What's the problem with him telling you before hand that he won't be available because of his music activity? It would certainly show that he cares about what you think. Kind of obvious he doesn't.

 

I know you want him back but don't do it unless he pays a price for his disrespect. Make him win you back. Readjust your current relationship to day one and do start dating again.

[SumGuy]

... I told him I didn’t like that I hadn’t heard from him in almost a week and I was asking all kinds of reassuring questions..making sure he wasn’t seeing anyone else to get an explanation as to why I hadn’t seen him in almost 2 weeks!! He said he had just been occupied with his music production and working out etc. We continued the talk next day about the same thing and I told him that if he wasn’t happy that I wanted to know and if there was someone else to just be honest. He told me that there was no one else but that if I wasn’t happy with the amount of time we see each other that I should see someone else.

Your response and reaching out is reasonable. His response is total BS, and manipulative. His behavior (not responding or reaching out for 5 days!) is not how you treat someone you care about or are sleeping with, or a good friend. It is how you treat someone you couldn't give 2 **** about, or how self absorbed / avoidant people treat others.

 

My view is, sorry dude...we all have stuff going on in our lives, are you special snowflake who can't date and also maintain life responsibilities?

I've got 3 kids, date women with kids, both of us with careers and we are of an age where our parents health is failing, and we have no problem making time every day or so for each other.

 

That he told you to see someone else is the nuclear option in relationship discussions. He basically is threatening the relationship (holding to hostage) to get you to shut up.

 

 

His behavior is messed up, it is not you overreacting.

 

I was very confused and reassured him I wasn’t and that I was trying to be patient because I know his music was important to him.

Sorry, his interest or even job is no excuse to not reach out to you regularly. If he wanted to he could, unless he is a can't do person, know people who have kids, a dying parent, and a full time job with travel obligations who make more time for their boyfriend/girlfriend than he is making for you.

 

He said he was sorry he has been distracted lately and hasnt been feeling like himself. He said he didn’t like the pressure I put on him but that he really did care about me.

BS on BS and blame shifting. He is acting exactly like himself. Sorry buddy, are you a man or a snowflake, do you have any self discipline or not? Nothing happened to him, he is just too lazy and self absorbed to reach out.

 

you are not putting pressure on him at all. You get radio silence for 5 days and wonder what is going on, very, very reasonable. It is his behavior that is completely at odds for a guy who says he even just likes you; let alone more.

 

I then got very defensive because I really hadn’t been trying to put pressure on him at all and was feeling like he was pushing me away and sabotaging us.

Of course you did as what he said was BS. His action are those exactly designed to push someone away and sabotage. You are 100% correct on that. Now you can't know his intent, but there is a saying: people intend the natural consequences of their actions.

 

Now he may just be an idiot in this regard, but what comes next makes me think that is not so.

 

He said after a little time passes when we don’t talk or see each other I get a little possessive.

More BS from him. This is clear DARVO and reversing cause and effect. It's not possessive, you are wondering what is up when he goes radio silent. He is implying that his behavior is a reaction to yours, but that is not the case. You are reaching out to him with questions about what is going on AFTER he goes radio silent for days.

 

Do you guys think I should just let him come to me and stick to NC or should I reach out to him? Or just move on with my life and accept that he’s not coming back?

 

I’ll appreciate any opinions you guys may have..thank you.

Move on. Even if he came back I would not trust him. He may come back just for some sex, then disappear again and blame it all on you somehow.

 

I get that different people want different levels of relationship but instead of being honest with you he made it seem like you were the odd one, that his behavior was normal for a person dating. You are not odd, and his is not normal (it is for a user and a player but not a decent guy dating). SO he never even listened to what you had to say, he just spun whatever was said into blaming you. He either didn't have the cajones to be honest or is so into himself he just cannot see it. Both are like kryptonite to any kind of relationship.

[Redhead14]

The bottom line here is that it doesn't matter what he's doing or not doing. You're thinking about and trying to do things that will make him want you, like being the cool girl and giving him "space" at your own expense - anxiety, side-stepping your needs in a dating partner. He's taken "space" a number of times according to you. What's important is that he isn't making you happy and comfortable with him PERIOD. This guy was never a boyfriend. He's just some guy you allowed to drift in and out of your life without much in the way of expectations. Don't let him have another opportunity to fade in and fade out. Block, delete, forget. Stop being his doormat. Pick up the mat and close the door for good.

[mortensorchid]

Sorry, sweetheart, but he is more or less ghosting on you and you only just now realized this. When you get to that insecure place it's not a good thing to feel, sounds like he was trying to work up his nerve to dump you but would rather take the ghosting way out. It's what it is, just move on. At this point I would either just erase his number or perhaps send a goodbye text (I did that twice recently) saying "I take it by your silence you are not interested in pursuing relationship best wishes and godspeed" then erase his number. It's hurtful, but it's what it is.

[d0nnivain]

Do you guys think I should just let him come to me and stick to NC or should I reach out to him? Or just move on with my life and accept that he’s not coming back?

 

I don't know why you would want such a lazy, unresponsive guy back. be done with him. He's not worth your effort at this point since he's not putting forth any effort or caring. Let him go. Free yourself up to date a man who actually is excited to spend time with you & hear from you.

[smackie9]

I second that he's trying to get you to dump him. When a guy says "hey if you are not happy then you should find someone else" That's him saying goodbye. get the hint...it's over. He won't say so because you are a stage 3 or 4 clinger, madly in love with him, and it's freaking him out.

[basil67]

You have been together for ten months, so I assume it's the same guy you wrote about here

 

He was only minimally interested in you back then and is only minimally interested in you now. And your texts and discussions of wanting to see him more and how he doesn't meet your needs didn't work then and they won't work now. To be honest, he's 100% correct when he says that if he doesn't meet your needs, you should find someone else. Frankly, it's what you should have as soon as you saw his disinterest. If you behave like a doormat, people will wipe their feet on you.

 

I highly suggest you read something like this Why Men Love B*tches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl―A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship. Ignore the B word in the title because that's just marketing. In all, it's about being assertive, having self respect and making good choices in a relationship.

[winny]

Block him and move on. This is too much drama.

He clearly does not treat you well and that, in turn, is making you feel super anxious and be needy.

[Redhead14]

I really don't think this is a break up. There is/was nothing to break up from.

[c1nderella]

Thank you everyone for your responses. Really opened up my eyes. We were together yes but it meant more to me than to him obviously. I had tried to leave him before and he would reel me back in. I guess he just wasn’t done yet with me lol ugh. There we’re a lot of red flags with him from the get go so I didn’t trust him fully. There were times where I really did believe he loved me when he said it. So I wanted to understand him and be patient. He always said I was very sweet to him and not once I was mean at all. But he would complain that I was “too much at times”...basically yeah blaming me for being who I am so he looks like the “normal” one. It wasn’t fair as I wasn’t getting my needs met so he could be happy with me and stay. I was happy to be with him because I loved him but I wasn’t happy.

 

As I’m typing this I’m shaking because I just sent him a goodbye text as mortensorchid suggested, “ I take it by your silence that you’re no longer interested in continuing with me. Would have been nice if you had the balls enough to be upfront and honest but I guess you’re too self observed to consider other people’s feelings. I’m moving on from you and going to find someone who actually wants to talk to me and see me regularly and not just casually like you treated me. I don’t have time for people who come in and out of my life so please don’t ever contact me. Take care.”

 

I felt like for me I had to send that so I could stop waiting for him to come back and I can move on now.

[Lotsgoingon]

Waiting for someone to come back ... waiting for someone to contact you after they've gone silent ... sorry those don't work. That's like offering to the car dealership to wait while the manager and salesman meet to figure out a way to raise the price of the car and raise the cost of financing.

 

The whole point of a relationship is to have connection with someone. Why are you volunteering to be ignored? Where did you learn that? When have you ever heard that such a strategy works? Did you go around in elementary school and offer to be pilloried by the bully? Did you get in cabs and then offer for the driver to let you out before you reached your destination? What the heck are you doing?

 

Time to get real: No one ... not Bill Gates ... not presidents ... not kings, not queens ... not workaholics ... no one is too busy to lose touch for 5 or 6 days. Nope. That's disinterest. Can you imagine going silent for 5 to 6 days multiple times ... with someone you like? No, you probably can't.

 

Quit putting up with this nonsense.

 

Let go and move on ... don't give anyone "space." No such thing as needing space ... that's just a polite way of people saying, "I don't want to spend time with you."

 

Sorry, this isn't probably what you want to hear. Now your test is what to do if he contacts you ... just know ... you can be "nice" all you want ... he's going to repeat his same behavior. Dump him ... before he more rudely dumps you.

 

A tip: you probably would do well to start sharing your stories with friends, confident friends ... there's no way confident friends would encourage you to put up with this nonsense.

[c1nderella]

I know I put myself in this situation. I guess since my relationship history isn’t the best, I felt that I just really wanted this one to work somehow. Felt very nice to have someone finally and I didn’t want to let go and was hopeful. It sucks because I felt that I was getting used to how he was..and things were looking up..or so I thought lol meeting my coworker friends and I was feeling so happy ...he never took me out with his friends and I never met his family. I met his dad by accident when leaving his house one time but never officially. His parents would see me go to his house so I’m sure they knew we were dating. I never even slept over his house ..and when we would meet it was like an appointment. He would say “I can hang from 1-3pm or 4-7pm” lol it was just very business like.

 

I’m trying not to think less of myself and think I was just not enough for him. But it was never me the problem..he’s been like that from the beginning since the day I met him. Doesn’t change things and I’m not trying to make excuses for his behavior towards me but it makes me feel better knowing that we were just too different and wanted different things and that’s why it didn’t work. He wanted a casual thing and I wanted more.

Edited October 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[basil67]

TAs I’m typing this I’m shaking because I just sent him a goodbye text as mortensorchid suggested, “ I take it by your silence that you’re no longer interested in continuing with me. Would have been nice if you had the balls enough to be upfront and honest but I guess you’re too self observed to consider other people’s feelings. I’m moving on from you and going to find someone who actually wants to talk to me and see me regularly and not just casually like you treated me. I don’t have time for people who come in and out of my life so please don’t ever contact me. Take care.”

 

Be prepared for the possibility of him having a comeback of one kind or another to that text. Nothing like a personal attack to make someone come back with either denial or attack you in return. If he does come back with a response either begging or attacking you, make sure to ignore it.

[c1nderella]

Be prepared for the possibility of him having a comeback of one kind or another to that text. Nothing like a personal attack to make someone come back with either denial or attack you in return. If he does come back with a response either begging or attacking you, make sure to ignore it.

 

He never replied to it and I doubt he even gave a **** about it to be honest lol But Yepp if he does respond it will be my pleasure to ignore him.

[kendahke]

I felt like for me I had to send that so I could stop waiting for him to come back and I can move on now.

 

This will be accomplished when you block him and delete his contact information.

 

Sending that to him is like sending him a map back to you to start all of this over again. Going radio silent on him with no way to contact you would have been far more effective in conveying the sentiment you sent him.

[jjbarr19]

This is horrible behavior, especially if you've been seeing this person for nearly 10 months. I'm just going to assume you both aren't official, because this is just straight up disrespectful.

 

 

Look at what you wrote. It's been like what, nearly 3 weeks to a month of lofty communication? Unless you message him, he won't message you. It's almost like he doesn't care if he doesn't hear from you or not. That's a horrible feeling and i'm sorry.

 

And that should be it. You should end it. No ifs, ands or buts. Have some dignity and end it on your terms. You're obviously fighting for something that clearly isn't there. Call him to see if you could see him for a few minutes, and if he doesn't answer for a few hours, text him saying it's over. Be prepared for him not respond, or not to care because he's already showing that type of behavior.

 

You deserve better, love. Don't settle for this ****.