Gretchen12 Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 I wouldn't call it ghosting at this point. She spent the week in a different city. And you need to cool off anyway (but you didn't). So this Sunday is another intensive salsa? Dance with her normally. Think positive things but not carried away, and even if it doesn't work out it's ok, just don't sabotage it by thinking the worst.
Author Legatus Posted October 25, 2019 Author Posted October 25, 2019 Cool off? I think I would be even more worried about myself if this kind of behaviour didn't cause any thinking and a bit of anxiety in my mind. My lack of coolness is not because I want to date her so much, it's much more about decency now. Yes I know I know, not everybody follows the same patterns. Of course I will dance with her like normal. Once the class starts and I'm on a dance floor I'm in a different world where nothing else matters. I doubt she'll show up but that's okay, plenty of partners to dance with
Author Legatus Posted October 25, 2019 Author Posted October 25, 2019 Hehe sorry, I know you do and I appreciate it. I am angry only at myself and probably in general. Just saying that from the two possibilities I do prefer to be so anxious because it means I care. I think I would be more worried if it didn't bother me at all and I would be doing the same to people. Therefore I just meant that I cooled off about her already, in my head it's all about the principles now don't be angry with me I apologise for sounding too harsh
SumGuy Posted October 25, 2019 Posted October 25, 2019 (edited) Hehe sorry, I know you do and I appreciate it. I am angry only at myself and probably in general. Just saying that from the two possibilities I do prefer to be so anxious because it means I care. I think I would be more worried if it didn't bother me at all and I would be doing the same to people. Highlighted because in my view you don't see the many other possibilities. You're trapped in an either or type thinking, there are many other reasonable ways people approach this. Have you heard of anxious attachment style? Sounds like you may have it, not good or bad unless you let it take you over and color your world view completely. Therefore I just meant that I cooled off about her already, in my head it's all about the principles now don't be angry with me I apologise for sounding too harsh If it is all about the principles now you haven't cooled off. Worse in my view, you've made it a values thing which transforms your hurt into an unassailable fortress of self-righteousness. I get it, not a stranger to that, it's a self defense mechanism. In my experience it is very much a male type thing or one that women see way too often...and a sure fire turn off. She may be operating from principles to: about frequency of contact, you coming on too strong, feeling you are roping her into a level of communication that is too much too soon, not not leading you on and unsure of you. She may simply not care for texts and such. Some people really hate them and just want people to be chill like the old days when we rarely were able to communicate except for in person. If your old enough just imagine the frequency of your communication in the context of the 1980s that would be way too many phone calls for someone you met a few times. To imply she is not living up to principles then is pretty harsh. Now you may be incompatible, but to come at her with an attitude it is about principles...in my view that never, ever, ever works (even if you are 100% right) and is a sure fire way to kill any interest she may have in you. P.S. No anger just my 2 cents on self realization. Edited October 25, 2019 by SumGuy
Author Legatus Posted October 25, 2019 Author Posted October 25, 2019 It is quite possible that she started the process while we still exchanged occasional message. After the date we still talked and suddenly she decided not to read the messages. You're right it's harsh and unfair for me to try to make her live up to my expectations. I guess I would prefer if the world was painted in brighter colours I choose to live in when things like that are not a problem.. Like I mentioned I got through the urge of contacting her and I will be fine. I will deal with my self-righteous attitude too.. In few weeks time I'm sure it will have become a good lesson for me, also thanks to everybody In this thread
Author Legatus Posted October 27, 2019 Author Posted October 27, 2019 As suspected, she didn't show up for salsa. On Friday I had an urge to contact her but of course now I know that she won't reach out since she hasn't even read the messages. Though sending her a message wasn't as much about getting a reply as about having a say. I know, everybody wants that but sometimes we just have to accept we won't get that chance.. At least I learned something from her. What not to do and how being a coward can affect somebody. I would not wish that kind of feeling to anybody..
Author Legatus Posted November 7, 2019 Author Posted November 7, 2019 Background: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/691826-anxiety-not-knowing & https://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/691750-how-important-you-after-date-communication It took two weeks from being ghosted to regaining my mental fitness again with new perspective. To cut the story short I was just left with a hunch that the whole situation seemed rather hilarious and that there was some kind of misunderstanding. She replied to my messages straight away, her second message said she owed my an apology and that she allowed me to become too big part of something that was just for her. I totally understood it and said that I wish she had told me but it's in the past. I've tried two more times to meet but every time I got the same answer "I'd love to but I have a part at sisters/jury duty/a lot of work". That's it. Stopped asking. One thing she did say was that she's definitely coming on Sunday for next dance class. I wanted to meet with her mostly so that there would be no awkwardness between us. Since she hasn't got time for it I just need to believe that what I write and tell myself - I will be able to pull it off. I do not intend to play though. I'm not going to behave like nothing happened, like I wasn't shocked, like her contradictions weren't a reason to ghost me. I will still dance with her with a smile on my face, probably not as big as before, but won't avoid her, her eye contact, or conversations.. But that's when a little bit of old me comes back. The overthinking part. If I don't start conversations or be overly enthusiastic, will she then think I'm being awkward? Even though at the end her perception is not more important than my well-being.. Any tips on how to approach it?
fromheart Posted November 8, 2019 Posted November 8, 2019 (edited) On Sunday I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk. She said she would love to but she had to prepare for an exam in different city, where she'll spend most of the week. And that's where my anxiety starts. And that's where the stalking started. You didn't give her time to think about you, or recover from her cold. She didn't suggest a meeting time, so thats when you should simply say 'call me when your schedule frees up, would love to see you again.' And then NC, unless she reaches out to you. Instead you kept messaging her, which shows your anxiety and marks you as yet another insecure, needy guy and potential stalker. Sorry for the direct advice. Those BS romantic movies teach men to keep pestering the woman until she changers her mind, this doesn't work in real life. Corey Wayne on youtube ASAP. In all honesty, I would say that you are suffering from anxiety, and should do some self work before dating women. Edited November 8, 2019 by fromheart
Author Legatus Posted November 8, 2019 Author Posted November 8, 2019 No need to be sorry, I know now where I made a mistake even though I did speak to her after two weeks and she apologised for the ghosting but this time I didn't pursue meeting her as there's no point now. Lesson learned, that's for sure
girlinNYC Posted November 8, 2019 Posted November 8, 2019 Perceive the situation as it comes, in the moment you will know what feels right. Personally I would have an air of mystery about me, mystery is attractive universally regardless of gender. It isn't a game, think of it as preserving your dignity and self respect. Too eager and it will obvious, not to mention a bust. Be cool, calm and collected. Good luck!
Cersei Posted November 8, 2019 Posted November 8, 2019 Hang your head high and act like you don't give a f--k about her. That is the right thing to do. But what will I do if I ever see my ghoster? Let me tell you it is not going to be pretty. Lol He needs to know how bad in bed he really is, as do those around him at the time whomever that may be. Do as I say, not as I do. :rolleyes:
Author Legatus Posted November 8, 2019 Author Posted November 8, 2019 (edited) Haha I love both of your responses. After having read recent responses I realised that, as with a lot of things, nothing is ever one-sided. I was too much and didn't act cool enough, so she got scared. Rightly so she should have been more upfront but her reaction was based on how I acted. Somehow it made me feel more peaceful. Exactly what you said.. keep my head high but still be civil and definitely my usual self around other people.. Edited November 8, 2019 by Legatus 1
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