The anxiety of not knowing...

[Legatus]

I was hoping I wouldn't have to create this thread but my head is about to explode and maybe letting it out will at least help.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/691750-how-important-you-after-date-communication I asked this question without revealing my reasons as I was genuinely curious how other people perceive this subject. In some comments I referred to my current situation.

 

SUNDAY

I have been attending these intensive salsa courses every other Sunday, and 10 days ago there was a new girl. We started dancing, changing partners very often, therefore I danced with her, learned more about her, etc.. Turned out she used to live in small town where I did one I first arrived in the country, she couldn't believe that even as a foreigner I knew the local accent of that area and in general we laughed a lot.

 

At the end of the course I wanted to dance with her for a moment but other guy was first. I contemplated going home but waited and when I went to talk to the teacher she stopped dancing with the other guy and asked me if I wouldn't mind dancing with her a bit and if she recorded it as she wanted to show her mum how she dances. We danced, she bought me a drink as a thank you, and we stayed like that for another 6 hours, just dancing, having an occasional chat.

 

MONDAY

Next day we both went to our jobs. Exchanged some messages on WhatsApp. She kept joking around asking me whether I have a wife, girlfriend, illegitimate children, crippling drug habit, or criminal record, because she wanted to know what's wrong with me. We made plans for the coming Friday to go and play pool, as she said she would beat me, and later we would go dance salsa. Great! She kept saying how the time will flow slow since she has something to look forward to but we couldn't meet prior to Friday due to her being out of the city for most of the week.

 

FRIDAY

Friday comes. She looks a little bit different than last time. Red, orange, and pink eye shadows with quite strong eyeliner, beautiful black top with V shape open back and cleavage that I haven't seen before She is a confident woman and is not afraid to show off even though when we met she had a green tweed-like (no idea what fabric that was) dress.

 

She still had a cold, which could impact her pool performance but she promised she would forgive me for beating her. We played for 4h during which, when it was my turn, I would stop, sit at the edge of the table close to her and talk to her. About her work, my work, we discussed some rather concerning behaviours in the country etc. Every now and then she would touch me playfully, either my arm, shoulder, back, tummy. Even though she admitted being a sore loser we still had fun.

 

Then we went dancing for another 4 hours. This is the only place where she can completely let go. She likes me leading and her being a follower. She doesn't have to be a boss, which she is in every aspect of her life. Once she asked me if I wanted to change partners but I said no, I said I could dance with her like that forever.

 

Despite the fact that we danced rather closely at several moments I wouldn't kiss her. Dancing is not a place for that in my opinion, but once, when slow salsa was playing, we danced cheek to cheek. I did that also by having constant eye contact, something I don't have a problem with while dancing, but with her it was more like gazing into her soul. And her smile told me that she enjoyed it.

 

She was very tired at that time so we decided to cut it short. I couldn't keep it on the dancefloor any longer though she kept asking "Where do you take that energy?" haha I put her in the cab, hugged, and said goodbye.

 

So far so good. Before that date we would sometimes exchange messages even though her job doesn't allow her to be online all the time and I understood it. Sometimes she would send a picture from her break or something.

 

SATURDAY & SUNDAY

On Saturday she didn't reply to my message about how she was feeling but on Sunday she said she came down with the cold even more and slept all Saturday. On Sunday I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk. She said she would love to but she had to prepare for an exam in different city, where she'll spend most of the week.

 

And that's where my anxiety starts.

 

Monday morning - I sent a short message saying that I hope she will do well at the exam

 

Monday evening - longer message asking about her day, telling her about mine, and how people thought I suddenly loved my job because I was in such good spirits.

 

Tuesday morning - I realised she gave me her work phone number too once when she was away, to text her there in case her personal phone is dead. So I sent a message saying that I actually never asked her if, when she's away for work, I should communicate with her on this number. I added that I understand she must be busy but just wanted to let her know I am thinking about her and that I hope the exam went well.

 

NOW

By that time I've read most of your responses in the other thread and realised that of course people have different communication needs and we never had a chance to talk about ours. I still think replying to a message, with whatever, is not a task that would take a person more than 15 seconds.

 

The possibility that nothing could come out of this is not even the reason for my anxiety, and a migraine There's always a chance somebody else will come along.

 

It's the fact that it would be so easy to tell me the reason. "I'm busy", "Let's talk on Friday", "Don't want to see you anymore", "I did find something wrong with you". Any of those do not scare me anymore. But not knowing is definitely a killer. I try not to assume and come up with reasons as that's the path I try to steer clear from. It's much easier to deal with something when you know what that something is, am I not right?

 

This date was also different for me. For once I was completely myself. No agenda, no games, no strategy, I had fun, she had fun, we smiled, we had good banter, and we dance until our legs hurt. I am far from perfect but I can't find anything that I could have done that would be a trigger. If there was a trigger in the first place. Perhaps I should have called her on Saturday? Perhaps I wasn't "touchy" enough?

 

Now, I know nobody can tell me what she's thinking or even the reasons why she did it, but perhaps you can stop me from doing something wrong or even just ease my anxiety. There's probably no point messaging her since she didn't reply on those earlier ones and I don't want to send anything under such weird emotions. Even though my anxiety comes from the not knowing, it can easily be misconstrued as clinginess, which I would prefer to avoid.

 

Options I can see:

1. deal with it, wait it out, perhaps she will message first
   
2. try to call her at a time after her work
   
3. send another message - something short, an idea to make some plans to see each other or something
   
4. wait until Sunday where we might meet again at another installment of the salsa course
   

 

After all I've learned in the past two years and also by reading some of the wise people here I could list way more signals that she gave me. Though I do realise that the signals were last week and this week of course is different.

 

Apologies for the long story. I actually proof-read it twice, shortened it, and it still came out quite long

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Give her some space. You are coming across as very clingy and full on.

 

Lets look at the facts. She told you she spent an entire day in bed with a cold, and you ask her to go for a walk the very next day? Seriously, if someone tells you they have a cold they need at least a week or two to feel better. It is insensitive to even ask.

 

She also told you she is preparing for an exam which is they equivalent of saying "I'm busy, I need some space right now", but you keep sending messages, including her work number, which was unnecessary and a bit full on.

 

A simple rule to understanding her communication style is to mirror it to some degree. If she takes a while to respond then you need to scale it back and don't initiate 100% of the time, especially with someone you are just beginning to get to know.

 

You are clearly very into her and want to charge ahead 100 miles an hour, but I think that is going to scare her away if you aren't careful. It's just too much too soon. Try to slow down and give her time and space to think about you. Otherwise it just comes off as way too intense.

 

My advice is to let her be the one to reach out to you.

[Legatus]

Thanks @Scarlett.O'hara. I needed to hear it from somebody else's perspective as I probably wasn't strict enough with myself. I will wait and let her make the next move.

 

You're totally right! I am coming across like that. Little details of dating that I seem not to get quite right yet.

 

But I do have to say that normally I am not that intense. Meaning I am the shy one and wait for some clear signals to make a move. Here she was telling me how great I am one day after we met and hopefully you agree that I was entitled to get a bit "hot"

 

I do understand your point.. slow down, cool my jets, and take it easy!

[Gretchen12]

I don't know her. I can only tell you how I would react. It isn't so much an issue of neediness. For me it's the guy becoming presumptuous. Also, you say you are anxious from not knowing. But that assumes she knows. Often people don't know, especially when things happen fast. She hasn't had a chance to digest it and come to the idea of seeing you seriously. You've planted a seed that's all, but the IDEA needs to mature in her mind so that it is her wish to pursue this, not just you driving it. You're not allowing that to happen.

 

The Monday morning text is just ok. Monday evening, no. Tuesday, no. I think you should go with option 4, wait until you see her next time. Let her come to you.

[Legatus]

Ahh I knew those texts were too much but for some reason I couldn't resist. Oh well I can't delete them now but thanks for your point of view. It will make it easier to just wait

[spiritedaway2003]

The waiting is the hardest part. I would suggest giving her some space.

 

Keep yourself busy in the meantime so you don't overthink about things while you wait for a response. Don't send her any more texts until she has a chance to respond. Don't overthink it! Good luck.

[winny]

You have sent more than enough messages. The one you sent on Tuesday was completely unnecessary and should have been avoided but now its done. Your best bet at she ever responding back is if you stop texting and give her some space. You are acting over enthusiastic and needy.

[Legatus]

Overenthusiastic - that's a perfect word to describe me. It takes a lot for me to be interested at all, as most of the time I very quickly know if the person is even from the same solar system or not, so I do get excited when I think there's somebody with at least a little bit of potential.

 

I will take the points on board though. No more contact from me until she initiates. But thank you everybody. Knowing that I have done something wrong allows me to think about it and improve it in the future

[Legatus]

Okay, so I have to risk sounding ridiculous but it bugs me too much.

 

Perhaps I don't know the dating rules here or anywhere for that matter, I admit. My mind has a problem comprehending how one person can go from "I like you a lot, can't wait to see you, you're sweet" to silence in a matter of hours. She didn't read my messages so those weren't the cause of the silence.

 

Even if I came across as overenthusiastic on our date and afterwords, despite simply being happy and natural, does it make sense in anybody's mind? If it does, at least I'll know that it's just me that needs a bit of a reality adjustment.

 

Perhaps I should look more deeply to find out why I can't comprehend something like that. After all we're all different, I do not expect people to apply the same logic as me.

 

I'll shut up now

[smackie9]

give it a break...she's sick (I just got over that cold, it took 3 weeks and it's a bad one), she has an exam too, so she's got other things on her mind....I'm sure she's pretty weak and trying to get as much rest as she can. I bet money on it she will be in no condition to go out this weekend. So hang back, let her reach out. If you don't hear from her by Saturday send a how are you message.

[Legatus]

Well she came back from working in the field today. The exam/assessment was on Monday - that is a work assessment sort of thing. You have to do that apparently in the medical field to make sure you're up to date.. but of course all of the above can still be true.. I'll just have to be patient

[winny]

Perhaps I don't know the dating rules here or anywhere for that matter, I admit. My mind has a problem comprehending how one person can go from "I like you a lot, can't wait to see you, you're sweet" to silence in a matter of hours. She didn't read my messages so those weren't the cause of the silence.

 

I do not believe in any dating rules. These are not universal laws.

What I do believe in is - Self-respect and trusting actions more than words.

 

What she says is meaningless until she DOES something which proves what she said. Don't believe everything that people say (even in a non-dating situation). Wait patiently for their follow up actions. That will tell you their true intentions.

Yes, sometimes you will have to give people the benefit of doubt but if this is a pattern in their behavior towards you - full of words and zero actions - then you need to believe that they do not really are people of value.

 

My life experience has taught me that how I feel about myself can be completely opposite to how I am being perceived by others at that very moment. There have been days when I was feeling anxious and yet people perceived me chilled out. Also, their perception of you comes from their own thinking and experiences. So your over-enthusiastic happy behavior could be perceived as irritating by someone else and endearing by yet another person.

 

My suggestion would be that during the first few dates you should be in evaluation mode. You should not immediately decide if you like someone or not. And you should also take it as a red flag if someone tells you they like you so soon. How can they like you when they don't even know you? You should be giving them a fair and judgment-free opportunity to show their true selves to you. And only after that you decide if this person is someone you like or not. You are starting first by liking someone... so thats why everything else you do is biased by your feelings. And when you are evaluating someone, and you have not decided if you are into them or not, your behavior will also stay in check. Once you are sure this person is worthy and your type... then you can shower them with attention. And by that time they would also have known you enough to know if you are good for them or not.

Edited October 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Legatus]

The biggest problem is that I can't believe that I get so crazy about it all this. it's no longer about that girl, it's the fact that I find it so incomprehensible that drives me crazy.

 

I agree completely about the perception. In the end people look at us through the prism of their own life and experiences.

 

I will definitely think about the evaluation mode. It's probably because I put such an emphasis on connection during dance that I went into overdrive, whereas I should have been in that evaluation mode you're referring to. I need to find it

 

Thank you for this judgement-free evaluation of my situation. That's what helps me a great deal!

Edited October 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[winny]

The biggest problem is that I can't believe that I get so crazy about it all this. it's no longer about that girl, it's the fact that I find it so incomprehensible that drives me crazy.

 

For this I will suggest that you write down what you are feeling. Or talk to a friend on phone. Vent here. Understand the triggers. Don't let these feelings show up in your communication with that girl.

And when you see her next time/or she texts you back, I want you to give very controlled and measured responses. not too many emojis and LOLs and jokes...nope! Make her work a bit to get your attention again. In fact dance with other women in the salsa class. Be nice and cordial to her but don't shower her with attention. Let her bring up the next date. You have done enough for now.

[Legatus]

I do write a lot.. it's my go-to first-response measure to deal with something I can't comprehend. But I also realised that other people's opinions and perceptions might become handy in adjusting my own.

 

What you say is exactly what I'll do. If I respond it will be still positive but, like you said, not many emojis or anything. If she shows up in salsa class, that's great, I want to show her that I'm fine with that (also test myself) and I'll have to dance with everybody anyway. I remember when she told me she was jealous when she saw me dancing last time, she barely knew me! I did go out once with another girl but it wasn't a date more like a friendly salsa practice but since we know each other we dance a little bit more confidently and the current girl noticed it haha..

 

Thanks @winny, i feel much better now. Going to go out tomorrow night to play some long missed snooker and leave my worries on a table : )

[Legatus]

Weekend finally. Thought going out and playing snooker and pool will take the anxiety away but for some reason it didn't. I had an urge to call her when I saw she was online but I know this would be a bad idea. Messaging makes no sense either if she's not reading it. I never thought she would ghost me like that, but then again that's the whole evil truth about ghosting I guess. Time will tell..

[spiritedaway2003]

Weekend finally. Thought going out and playing snooker and pool will take the anxiety away but for some reason it didn't. I had an urge to call her when I saw she was online but I know this would be a bad idea. Messaging makes no sense either if she's not reading it. I never thought she would ghost me like that, but then again that's the whole evil truth about ghosting I guess. Time will tell..

 

I mean this kindly, don't keep your hopes up too high. When a girl likes a guy, she won't take too long to respond to him, even if she's crazy busy. This goes both ways. It sucks when you really like or have a connection with someone, but don't take it personally.

[preraph]

Friday, she figured out that you are into her, and Saturday, she cut you off. I think you made to much of her smile because it sounds like she was not comfortable with the way things were going that day at all. Now she's avoiding you, so let it go and dance with someone else -- or just dance with her and stop coming on to her.

[winny]

I am sorry you have to go thru this. This sucks! But stay strong and don’t contact her. She is deliberately choosing to not read/respond to your texts. Let’s see if she comes back some time.

[Legatus]

My hope is not the problem here. It's not even about this particular girl, but it's this ghosting thing that became so omnipresent I thd society these days that I have trouble with. I must have missed a memo about it haha

 

I do agree that she would respond and read my messages if she wanted to. She did that on Sunday but not on Monday, how things can change in a matter of hours.

 

It's all right, I just need to vent this frustration

[Legatus]

Friday, she figured out that you are into her, and Saturday, she cut you off. I think you made to much of her smile because it sounds like she was not comfortable with the way things were going that day at all. Now she's avoiding you, so let it go and dance with someone else -- or just dance with her and stop coming on to her.

 

Can you elaborate on the not comfortable part?

[winny]

My hope is not the problem here. It's not even about this particular girl, but it's this ghosting thing that became so omnipresent I thd society these days that I have trouble with. I must have missed a memo about it haha

 

I do agree that she would respond and read my messages if she wanted to. She did that on Sunday but not on Monday, how things can change in a matter of hours.

 

It's all right, I just need to vent this frustration

 

Yup! Things can change in matter of hours. And it's mostly not even about you. It is possible that she went out with you to make someone else jealous. And now she is talking to them. You were just used. It's a possibility. Whatever it is... you should not do anything anymore. I am interested to know if she comes back then what excuse she is going to use.. LOL

[Legatus]

Thanks, sometimes all one needs is a strong advice from other parties to not do something I will keep you posted

[Eternal Sunshine]

Back when I was dating, I have had this happen a lot. I would have a great date with a guy, he would set up the next sate on the spot, text me after I got home, tell me all kinds of sweet things, line up few more dates. Then the next day, complete silence. Day after, I write a text and get 2 word response hours later. I never hear from him again.

 

 

I can't comprehend this behaviour because I would never act this way unless I was truly interested....but people are different.

[Legatus]

@Eternal Sunshine, I feel exactly the same. Few years ago it happened to me once but I didn't care too much. Now I am a bit different and it just bugs me, not just personally but for everybody who needs to endure something like that.

 

By the way I remember you back from 2013 when I first joined!