Redguitar35 Posted October 22, 2019 Posted October 22, 2019 (edited) I’ve had a lot of dates describe me as timid on our dates and not wanting a second date as a result. It shocks me because I feel pretty comfortable talking to people and enjoying their company, I’m just quiet and introverted. I don’t know what to do to come across as more whatever without changing my whole personality? It sucks. Are there any people anymore who actually are attracted to quiet guys? Or should I just give up and let the extroverted guys get all the ladies. Edited October 22, 2019 by Redguitar35
preraph Posted October 22, 2019 Posted October 22, 2019 Timid isn't the same as introverted. If you get someone introverted onto a subject they know and like, such as you've read the same good book they have or movie, they will talk your leg off. One of the most talkity people I know is a friend of mine . She reads a lot and does some art. She has a tendency to cloister herself just with her small family circle (sister, daughter) and seems reluctant to bring anyone else in. But she will talk your leg off about a book she read or an art exhibit she went to. She is the type person who would only lurk on a website such as this or social media and never write anything! I remember one time it was a big deal to her because she worked up the nerve to message an acquaintance on Facebook. She was nervous about it (just a crazy old friend we both worked with years prior) and he didn't message back. It was like the thing she feared the most. I'm sure he just wasn't checking his Facebook. She will tell me the same story over and over and I can't even stop her even if I say "Stop." Haha 3
alphamale Posted October 22, 2019 Posted October 22, 2019 you should talk to a therapist who deals with this issue. they will help you come out of your shell 1
d0nnivain Posted October 22, 2019 Posted October 22, 2019 Don't give up. If you asked me before I met my husband I would have said I don't care for introverts -- too much work, too hard to read, tend to be home bodies. My dating history bore that out; there were lots of lawyers, salesmen, politicians & actors . . . all people who crave the spot light & being the life of the party. I still wish my husband would talk more but he's a good listener & I have learned to enjoy the silences. Do try to make more eye contact & initiate more physical contact -- crush of the hand, hand at the small of the back, picking away imaginary lint, moving hair off her face etc. during your date. Make sure you ask 2-3 questions about her, her day, her likes, her interests etc. at each meeting. It will be a bot awkward but give it a shot.
lavenderandvelvet Posted October 22, 2019 Posted October 22, 2019 First up we need to get better at differentiating between shy and introverted. Introverts are people who feel drained and de-energized when they have too much people time. Extroverts are energized by people time, and cannot get enough. There is generally a relationship between number of people and how draining something will feel for an introvert. Shy people are uncomfortable around people they do not know. Unshy people have no issues with interacting with people they do not know. You can be shy and introverted. You can also be shy and extroverted. You can be a not shy introvert. Shy extroverts like people, but people they know. When dealing with unknown people they get stressed or uncomfortable. Not shy introverts are fine in situations with new people, but when they hit their people limit they need to go home and recharge in the quiet - away from people. See the difference? Someone shy can be harder to get to know, in a dating context, and this can be unattractive for some people or challenging for other people. The best way to "counteract" shyness is to put yourself in the most comfortable possible situation when meeting someone new. That may mean going somewhere you know people, sticking with activities that are know conversation stimulants, or doing something related to a hobby. 4
snowboy91 Posted October 22, 2019 Posted October 22, 2019 I agree with others' descriptions of shy vs. introverted. If you're shy you're less likely to show enough of yourself for someone else to form a connection with. Unless you find a topic you're both excited about to break down those barriers. If you're introverted and not shy, and you're reasonably drained when you go on your date, a similar thing can happen. To other extroverts, you can seem more timid than to other introverts. If you're extroverted, you can be a lot more expressive... and not everyone you go on a date with is going to agree with your form of expression. So your strike rate falls back down to something similar to my first point above! The good thing is that both men and women can be introverts or extroverts, and another introvert is likely to understand you a lot better (and thus form a connection with you). The flip side is that other introverts, by their very nature, are less likely to end up on your dating radar since they're less outgoing! Your first step is to detangle whether your timid is due to being uncomfortable around new people (shy) or just needing your own space to recharge (introverted). Second thing is to keep in mind the things you're interested in, and think about whether you've just clicked with anyone you've met so far based on that.
Author Redguitar35 Posted October 22, 2019 Author Posted October 22, 2019 Someone shy can be harder to get to know, in a dating context, and this can be unattractive for some people or challenging for other people. It seems like most people react that way to quiet guys unfortunately. Meanwhile they flock to loud life of the party guys. It’s depressing because I am not that.
d0nnivain Posted October 22, 2019 Posted October 22, 2019 Meanwhile they flock to loud life of the party guys. It’s depressing because I am not that. Just come out of your shell a little . . .baby steps. Ask one more question during a date, make eye contact one more time & hold it longer then you would normally be comfortable with. . . You can do this! 1
Ruby Slippers Posted October 23, 2019 Posted October 23, 2019 There are tons of great free advice videos on YouTube about this kind of thing. I'm introverted and prefer introverted guys. I have had relationships with more outgoing men at times, and it was nice for the fun flurry of activity around they could conjure up in a social situation, but overall I click better with a more introspective kind of guy like me. However, you have to be outgoing enough one on one to connect with your date. All you have to do is improve a little at asking questions about her, and be more forthcoming sharing about yourself. It's tedious to try talking to a guy who waits for you to carry the conversation. In those situations I can't hide my disinterest and it's just not going to get anywhere. You're dating, which is great - you just need to step it up a little conversationally. "Timid" may also mean you're not being flirty and touchy enough. This kind of light flirting early on is what moves you from friend category to potential boyfriend/lover category. How would you describe your flirtation on first dates? Do you go for a kiss at the end? 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 23, 2019 Posted October 23, 2019 I would have no problem dating an introvert as long as he was still capable of good conversation. Introverts require a lot of alone time. I require a lot of alone time (I'm an introvert). So, I would have no problem with it at all. 2
alphamale Posted October 23, 2019 Posted October 23, 2019 come to think of it I've never dated a woman that was introverted in the classic sense. I myself am both introverted and extroverted depending on the situation at hand. But I am more attracted to outgoing women.
chillii Posted October 23, 2019 Posted October 23, 2019 (edited) l knew nothin about introvert but reading around LS lately l come to realize l've always gone for introverted women, different, love different. l'll have to read up one day , then again , couldn't care less so,,, maybe not, don't need labels. But from what l understand just from round here no not really a shy thing just more their own person own space , get tired too much socializing and blah blah. Which is a lot like l am and women l like are. Very much their own people, exactly how l am. Couldn't care less about trends or the herd or wth ever, they do their thing, like l do, maybe a few special people in their lives but that's enough. There's only been a few special women in my life , one was ex w, but they're always their own people, love that, so many hidden to most, qualities and wisdom, awareness, that just goes over mosts head. Sooo, pends which one you are op l suppose but if it's introvert don't sweat it right girl she'll be fine, although quiet too , know a few women with very quiet men, one ex mil,husband is painfu; to talk too buttt, she seems to work with it fine they've been married 60yrs. Quiet women can be very very special too, but l like someone that speaks her mind so l've never really been with a quiet woman, known a few though. Edited October 23, 2019 by chillii
Interstellar Posted October 23, 2019 Posted October 23, 2019 (edited) Do you play the guitar? there’s billions of guys in the world who wishes they can play the guitar. Take that same level of passion you have in learning to play by improving your personality. Watch Jim Carrey, Vince Vaughn they’re playful and fun right? learn how to playfully banter. Write it down, take notes but fit it in your personality. Make sure it’s not putting others down, it’s not racist, not sexist, not rude or crude. There’s billions of YouTube videos as well on how to be charming or funny so there. And oh, Don’t forget to ask for the phone number. Edited October 23, 2019 by Interstellar
Author Redguitar35 Posted October 23, 2019 Author Posted October 23, 2019 There are tons of great free advice videos on YouTube about this kind of thing. I'm introverted and prefer introverted guys. I have had relationships with more outgoing men at times, and it was nice for the fun flurry of activity around they could conjure up in a social situation, but overall I click better with a more introspective kind of guy like me. However, you have to be outgoing enough one on one to connect with your date. All you have to do is improve a little at asking questions about her, and be more forthcoming sharing about yourself. It's tedious to try talking to a guy who waits for you to carry the conversation. In those situations I can't hide my disinterest and it's just not going to get anywhere. You're dating, which is great - you just need to step it up a little conversationally. "Timid" may also mean you're not being flirty and touchy enough. This kind of light flirting early on is what moves you from friend category to potential boyfriend/lover category. How would you describe your flirtation on first dates? Do you go for a kiss at the end? I never flirt with women I don’t know. I just focus on the conversation and trying to get to know them asking questions.
normal person Posted October 23, 2019 Posted October 23, 2019 Being introverted shouldn't be a big issue for reasons explained above. But being timid or shy is essentially a fear of, or insecurity around, other people, and fear and insecurity in a grown man are incredibly unattractive to most women. Women like confidence, shyness is a display of the lack of confidence. If you're just introverted, then there are easy ways to deal with that, but if you're shy, you might want to talk to a professional to see if there's something deeper affecting you. Or, you could ask yourself why you think you're shy and try and slowly expose yourself to the issues. If you do it enough, you might desensitize yourself to it.
kendahke Posted October 23, 2019 Posted October 23, 2019 I’ve had a lot of dates describe me as timid on our dates and not wanting a second date as a result. It shocks me because I feel pretty comfortable talking to people and enjoying their company, I’m just quiet and introverted. I don’t know what to do to come across as more whatever without changing my whole personality? It sucks. Are there any people anymore who actually are attracted to quiet guys? Or should I just give up and let the extroverted guys get all the ladies. How introverted are we talking here? A little shy or Hikikomori?
rjc149 Posted October 23, 2019 Posted October 23, 2019 (edited) Extroverts tend to be more sexually attractive to women -- not because they are extroverts per se, but because extroverted men demonstrate more 'alpha' traits, like confidence, leadership, assertiveness, self-assurance, social intelligence, charm, humor, and warmth. If you are an introvert, and you want to be optimally attractive to women, you will need to break out of your shell and acquire extrovert traits. It doesn't mean you need to change who you are -- it just means that having some extroverted personality traits, or the ability to be an extrovert even in short bursts, are pretty essential to success in dating, business, and life in general. Some women may prefer relationships with introverts, but will usually find themselves attracted to extroverted men who have the confidence and charm to spark attraction with them, over the shy, brooding wallflower who doesn't have the balls to ask her out. By nature I'm an introvert. I need lots of space and alone time, I often prefer doing things alone and rather enjoy my own company, I dislike relying on anyone for support, and I've recently learned that I have an avoidant attachment style which has stunted my romantic relationships by causing me to fear intimacy and push women away when they get too close. That's something I'm working on. Introverts tend to be less happy overall, and that's a fact I've come to see. However, I am in corporate sales which is an introvert's nightmare, but I've broken out of my shell and I've learned to be extroverted and the life of the party when I need to be -- and even when I want to be. Most people I know are surprised when I tell them I'm actually an introvert. I've gotten good at being extroverted. Being extroverted can be learned with practice and willingness to improve. You'll always need your recharge time alone, extended social interactions with lots of unfamiliar people will always make you squirm and itch to leave, you'll always prefer hanging out with a few close friends over going to a big loud party, that will always be who you are, and that's totally okay. Wonderful, even, in my opinion. But you can be an introvert who also exudes confidence and assertiveness that women will find very attractive, and have the ability to step up your outgoing charm when needed to get what you want out of life. It is a skill that can be acquired with practice and your ability to interact comfortably with strangers will get you farther in life. Edited October 23, 2019 by rjc149 1
Author Redguitar35 Posted October 23, 2019 Author Posted October 23, 2019 How introverted are we talking here? A little shy or Hikikomori? I’d probably describe myself as reserved not shy. I don’t emote much and kinda keep some distance at least until I get to know someone.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 23, 2019 Posted October 23, 2019 I never flirt with women I don’t know. I just focus on the conversation and trying to get to know them asking questions. This may be why women aren't feeling a romantic connection and declining a second date. A little flirtation is what gets her thinking of you as more than a friend. If I go on a first date and there's not even a little bit of flirting, I feel ho-hum about the guy. I think this is true for most women. 1
Author Redguitar35 Posted October 23, 2019 Author Posted October 23, 2019 This may be why women aren't feeling a romantic connection and declining a second date. A little flirtation is what gets her thinking of you as more than a friend. If I go on a first date and there's not even a little bit of flirting, I feel ho-hum about the guy. I think this is true for most women. What do you mean by flirting, because I heard a lot of women on this sub complain about guys making a conversation too sexual too quickly? Which one is it? I’m confused.
SumGuy Posted October 23, 2019 Posted October 23, 2019 I’m introverted and have no issues, never have, and have gone out with introverted and extroverted women. Going by Myers Briggs which I highly recommend looking into to better understand interactions. Sure there are women who are attracted to the loud, brash and crass extrovert but most are not. You just see it as those guys and then women attracted to them are attention seekers, whilst everyone else at the party makes fun of them. So one can be quite and introspective and still attract women, but likely ones that like deep conversation...not all personality types do though. Depending on how you meet women you will meet more or less of your type.
kendahke Posted October 23, 2019 Posted October 23, 2019 What do you mean by flirting, because I heard a lot of women on this sub complain about guys making a conversation too sexual too quickly? Which one is it? I’m confused. Flirting doesn't mean sexual talk. Where did you get that from? 1
Author Redguitar35 Posted October 23, 2019 Author Posted October 23, 2019 Flirting doesn't mean sexual talk. Where did you get that from? I give up, clearly I don’t understand dating at all.
Interstellar Posted October 23, 2019 Posted October 23, 2019 What do you mean by flirting, because I heard a lot of women on this sub complain about guys making a conversation too sexual too quickly? Which one is it? I’m confused. It’s just bantering. Watch Cary Grant movies he’s the king of that.
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