h0000 Posted October 22, 2019 Posted October 22, 2019 I'm not against guys having female friends. And my boyfriend has a lot of friends including male and female. There is one particular girl though who is quite outgoing and passionate and sometimes I'm not sure if I should worry. I will list the facts objectively so you can judge. Some cons first She calls him endearing names, sometimes. Like "baby" or "honey". She would also send heart emojis. She touches him sometimes, like patting or hugging, or touches his face. Though I have seen her do that to other friends too, guys and girls. I dont feel her touch is sexual, but it feels like they are very close to each other. They are in touch weekly or so and hang out monthly or so, though there are always other friends involved too so they dont hang out alone. Some pros They were friends since school, now they are late 20s. She has a bf and they are very happy and in love. Dont believe she ever dated my BF. Although sometimes she calls my bf "babe" or touches him, my bf doesnt do it back to her. He acts pretty normal. I was introduced to her (and all other friends), we have hang out a few times. I dont feel she's hostile towards me. So I largely dont think there is anything fishy going on right now. But guess Im wondering whether their closeness is or will ever be an issue in my relationship in the future?
Legatus Posted October 22, 2019 Posted October 22, 2019 Most of my friends are female and I have to say that your cons do not sound drastic to me, maybe because they're normal to me. Sometimes I would call my friend "my dear", or "my lovely" but it's a bit of a banter nothing romantic. Touching, well I have friends of 15 years that sometimes just do that. Not to mention some people are like that generally. Based on my experiences what's important is whether the frequency and the type of touch changes. If she's always done the same way then it was probably established long time ago. But if suddenly the touches are more subtle, lingering, then it's a different story. Hanging out is definitely not a con. If I could I would hang with my friends at least 1-2 a month but they have lives and live them in different countries. Of course girlfriend comes first but friends are also important. I think perhaps you've just felt a little bit neglected recently? I would bring it up but in a nice, calm manner. You're not jealous of her, you just miss him. If he has nothing shady going on he will understand and adjust..
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 22, 2019 Posted October 22, 2019 It doesn’t sound like they are cheating but there is probably an attraction there. This doesn’t mean that they will ever act on it. It depends how comfortable you are with this. I personally don’t like men with lots of female friends, especially not close ones and wouldn’t tolerate touchy/feelly/heart emoji interactions on regular basis.
SammySammy Posted October 22, 2019 Posted October 22, 2019 Who knows? Trust is essential in any solid relationship. When distrust creeps in - whether caused by boundaries being pushed or paranoia - the relationship is in jeopardy. The three of you need to figure out how to strengthen the trust in the relationship or it is probably doomed.
Gretchen12 Posted October 22, 2019 Posted October 22, 2019 I wouldn't worry as long as she does the same thing to other friends in the group. It doesn't sound like she singles him out and he doesn't act like she's more than just a friend. So I think you shouldn't make it a big deal.
smackie9 Posted October 22, 2019 Posted October 22, 2019 ya this is his lifestyle. There isn't anything to worry about infidelity wise BUT this is a compatibility issue. I know a hippy type couple that have these very open "non sexual" but "intimately emotional" relationships with the opposite sex. The thing is, they are both accepting of this. What I see is that you are not. This "closeness" is a little too close for your comfort. If you don't like it, and it keeps you on edge with pangs of jealousy, then this guy isn't for you.
elaine567 Posted October 22, 2019 Posted October 22, 2019 Agreed smackie9. Women it seems to me tend to want close one on one relationships with their man, they want to be the main female influence in his life. They want to be his confidante, the person he shares his secrets with, the one he turns to for advice. His best friend... Add in a close female friend, then she may be the one he has years of history with, she may know all his secrets too, she may be the one he turns to in a crisis for advice, he may even discuss all the ups and downs of his relationship with her too. That can be difficult for a woman who wants to consider herself as his #1 to accept. She is then in a triangle and that may not be a comfortable place to be.
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 22, 2019 Posted October 22, 2019 Also, be careful in bringing this up. I wouldn't. In an ideal world, open and transparent communication would resolve everything. In real world, this is your BF's natural style of interaction. In short term, he may stifle it to please you but in longer term, he will start to feel restricted and resentful. Either you are compatible or you are not. 1
kendahke Posted October 22, 2019 Posted October 22, 2019 Im wondering whether their closeness is or will ever be an issue in my relationship in the future? It could be depending upon your intolerance level for her.
Gretchen12 Posted October 22, 2019 Posted October 22, 2019 I think you need to decide whether or not they are close. That's the whole point isn't it? You want to trust your instinct if you FEEL they are close. But what if that instinct is just possessiveness. Are you really ok with guys having female friends? Some women don't want a guy to have any female friends at all. They admit it and insist on it, and won't date any man with female friends, so no problems. You said she touches other people too, male and female, what if she started touching you and calling you honey, would you feel close to her? You also said he doesn't do it back to her. He hasn't done anything. I can often spot emotional closeness by the way people look at each other and tone of voice. It is much more subtle than what you described, I'd have to see. I wonder if you are all from the same background as this girl. Maybe her whole family goes around kissing the mailman. I don't know. You have to observe this yourself.
preraph Posted October 22, 2019 Posted October 22, 2019 It would be nice to find out if he had a crush on her in high school, because that would tell why he's hanging in there as her friend. If he never did, stop worrying. Also, ask her and her bf over for dinner or a game or anything where you can see how they interact with each other when the partner is present, or if there's tension and they're having to be extra careful or something. Don't ask him if it's okay because he may say no, just invite them over and you'll get a much better idea of how they interact. 1
d0nnivain Posted October 22, 2019 Posted October 22, 2019 I see her as somebody who is just touchy feely & flirty but no real threat. If they have been friends all this time presumably they have gotten together or have no real desire to do so. I had a work buddy who I was close to. We spent a lot of time together. I was in a relationship. He was single but looking. I became his wing woman. My BF at the time helped too because my buddy was clueless & didn't really believe me that he could have any woman he wanted if he just opened his eyes. Anyway when he met the woman who is now his wife, she didn't care for me too much because he & I were tactile, I had a pet name for him, we spent a lot of time together because of work & he confided in me about their relationship. Heck I had input on her engagement ring & saw it before she did. I went out of my way to ease her fears & to show her that I really do think of my buddy as a little brother. By the time they walked down the aisle she made peace with my presence in his life. I would keep my eyes open. Do position yourself so you are closer to her. As they say: Keep your friends close but your enemies closer.
alphamale Posted October 23, 2019 Posted October 23, 2019 So I largely dont think there is anything fishy going on right now. But guess Im wondering whether their closeness is or will ever be an issue in my relationship in the future? on a scale of 1 to 10 how attractive is she? 1
fromheart Posted October 23, 2019 Posted October 23, 2019 If I didn't talk or wasn't friendly to every woman who flirted with me, I wouldn't talk to many women. Women flirt, it doesn't necessarily mean anything. How your bf responds is what dictates your relationship.
alphamale Posted October 23, 2019 Posted October 23, 2019 Women flirt, it doesn't necessarily mean anything. How your bf responds is what dictates your relationship. the majority of women who seriously flirt with a guy are also attracted to him. it's hard to flirt if you aren't attracted to someone, and that includes both sexes
Author h0000 Posted October 23, 2019 Author Posted October 23, 2019 Thanks everyone. I feel like they are maybe similar to what d0nnivain described. Though in everyday life I dont feel they are necessarily emotionally close. She's very close to another girl in the group and my BF hangs out with the guys all the time. It's not like they are a "pair" among all others. We also had double dates before, I didnt sense any tension. Compatibility wise, I am happy to be open minded and not judge people's life style, as long as boundary is not crossed. Some of you mentioned flirting. I'm not sure that's what she's trying to do. I didnt really sense anything sexual. But I do admit because I dont touch others, I dont know how to feel towards people who do, like are they innocent? When she does that to my BF, I do feel little odd, bit uncomfortable, or even a little threatened.
Author h0000 Posted October 23, 2019 Author Posted October 23, 2019 (edited) I think you need to decide whether or not they are close. That's the whole point isn't it? You want to trust your instinct if you FEEL they are close. But what if that instinct is just possessiveness. Are you really ok with guys having female friends? Some women don't want a guy to have any female friends at all. They admit it and insist on it, and won't date any man with female friends, so no problems. You said she touches other people too, male and female, what if she started touching you and calling you honey, would you feel close to her? You also said he doesn't do it back to her. He hasn't done anything. I can often spot emotional closeness by the way people look at each other and tone of voice. It is much more subtle than what you described, I'd have to see. I wonder if you are all from the same background as this girl. Maybe her whole family goes around kissing the mailman. I don't know. You have to observe this yourself. No I dont have problems with opposite sex friends. I even think if a guy cant maintain a friendship with any female, then he probably has no clue how to treat/respect/deal with women. And Im not sure they will be the best partner. I mean, unless by circumstances you moved away or your friends moved away, it's bizarre you cant make any opposite sex friends during your whole school/university life. I didnt feel the way they look at each other is any different. But as I said before, I simply dont know how to deal with people who touches others lol I dont touch any of my friends, even the closest ones. And when they sometimes held my arms I just froze lol. Edited October 23, 2019 by h0000
snowboy91 Posted October 23, 2019 Posted October 23, 2019 I can't see this as an issue at all. If they were going to date they would have done so already. I get this friend of his is a little more into (platonic) physical touch than you would like, but ultimately you have to trust that your BF will do the right thing if any lines are ever crossed (which seems unlikely from what I can tell).
ExpatInItaly Posted October 23, 2019 Posted October 23, 2019 OP, with respect, your posting history reveals several issues in your relationship. This is one of a rather long laundry list of concerns you have had about him. I don't personally see the problem with this current worry you have, but stepping back and zooming out, I see that you have a lot of anxiety about him and your relationship in general. You need to take a long, hard think here and ask yourself a few questions: are you two actually compatible? Is your anxiety triggered because there are so many differences between you two, and you're trying to make something work when it just isn't quite working? Or do you have significant anxiety in general, and are constantly on edge and seeking out more "tangible" things to attach that anxiety to?
Author h0000 Posted October 23, 2019 Author Posted October 23, 2019 (edited) While I do have my issues, I dont think my BF is at fault because I have those issues in every relationship. Also those concerns were quickly resolved and turned out I was worried out of nothing anyway Edited October 23, 2019 by h0000
ExpatInItaly Posted October 23, 2019 Posted October 23, 2019 While I do have my issues, I dont think my BF is at fault because I have those issues in every relationship. Also those concerns were quickly resolved and turned out I was worried out of nothing anyway And what have you done to work on those anxiety issues?
Author h0000 Posted October 23, 2019 Author Posted October 23, 2019 I actually started therapy. I guess every once in a while I will still worry, like this, for instance. But I'd like to think I'm much better at managing my anxiety now. Despite posting this, I am still calm. So compatibility: my view now is that I should focus on the principles, not how often I'd like him to text. We have the same value when it comes to core issues (marriage, family, career, etc) and he is a good guy. I used to bother myself with "I want him to do X but he does Y, is he losing interest". Now I try to let go of petty issues. Also as I said before, if it's not boundary crossing I am willing to have an open mind.
d0nnivain Posted October 23, 2019 Posted October 23, 2019 It sounds like you are growing as a person & taking steps to become more confident / less anxious. Both will make you more attractive. Harping about her will send him running. Again. keep your eyes open. Befriend her but don't get nutty about her just yet. 1
Gretchen12 Posted October 23, 2019 Posted October 23, 2019 No I dont have problems with opposite sex friends. ... I simply dont know how to deal with people who touches others lol I dont touch any of my friends, even the closest ones. And when they sometimes held my arms I just froze lol. Yes I was just throwing out all questions for you to consider. Looks like it has to do with you being not used to people who touch you socially. Some of that is cultural. If you live in western society you must have had people greet you with kisses on the cheeks (or at least have seen it). You know it doesn't mean you're intimate. 1
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