basil67 Posted October 24, 2019 Posted October 24, 2019 because he did say that he still wanted me in his life Yes, he wants you in his life...but not as friends. He wants you as a casual sex partner. Why are you so hung up on being friends with this guy? Are you lonely and have no other friends?
Author babybrowns Posted October 24, 2019 Author Posted October 24, 2019 (edited) As I read this I am reminded that people are mis-using the word friend here. Friends are platonic. Sex & dating are never part of that mix. Dating can be accomplished without sex. It's the portion of the getting to know each other phase where there is time spent together, flirting & maybe kissing but no sex. OP I think you are enjoying this aspect...... Thanks a lot for this. Everything of what you say is very true. But I am very firm with my boundaries; it takes a lot for me to have sex with a guy, I need to know that he has feelings for me and cares about me. Since neither is the case with this person, that motive for me just isn’t there. He just can’t see it, he gets angry and doesn’t see why I won’t sleep with him. Not only that, but why the hell didn't you just leave well before the 5 hr mark? I'm asking this genuinely. If you're with a guy that just wants to have sex with you, and you're not down with that, why continue to engage in that awkward back and forth of you trying to get him out for a walk and him trying to get you in bed? Exactly, I should absolutely have left his house earlier. I regret it very much especially because it ultimately made him not want to keep seeing me. I wish we had had just a normal meet-up that day instead, doing something fun outside the house. For how (painfully) platonic our other meet-ups leading up to that were, I seriously thought this might just be another platonic one and that we would chill with his housemates. You probably didn't leave earlier than the five hour mark because on some level you enjoyed that attention; feeling desired, even for just sex was better than nothing at all. Its a breadcrumb of sorts and you were so hungry for his pursual, you weren't going to pass up any attention. Zero judgement -- ive been there myself! ..... Yes for sure, you have spelt it all out. Yes I am not going to reach out to him; if he wants me in his life, he will have to come forward and text me. I am hoping to hear from him because I do value his company and really enjoy having him around. I know it sounds like it because I want exclusivity with him and want him to hang out with me. But in truth, I don’t want a relationship with him. I’ve known this for some time actually- some of the things are that he’s not as intellectual and mature for someone I want to have as my boyfriend, and also quite self-centred in a lot of the things he does. But I do have a crush on him and like him enough to want to hang out, I just can’t do casual sex. Just one example of our friendship being manifested in a way that goes out of the realm of flirtations and the like- A few weeks ago he was at the airport to get a flight somewhere but his flight suddenly got cancelled. Who does he text, me. I happen to be free at that time so I voluntarily help him look for another flight on my phone and send him to a different airport immediately to catch the only other flight that day to that destination. Something he was very grateful for and told everyone on his vacation how I had ‘saved it’. I do value having him around because I like his company a lot, and yes I do have a huge crush on him. Time will tell if he does want me in his life or not, I do hope that the dreadful last meet-up on me refusing him sex and him getting mad was not the last time I see him. Him texting me a week after that to wish me happy birthday and ask how a particular thing that week (he remembers everything I tell him) had gone, suggests perhaps he does want to be friends, or will at some point. Edited October 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
mark clemson Posted October 24, 2019 Posted October 24, 2019 But in truth, I don’t want a relationship with him. I’ve known this for some time actually- some of the things are that he’s not as intellectual and mature for someone I want to have as my boyfriend, and also quite self-centred in a lot of the things he does. But I do have a crush on him and like him enough to want to hang out, I just can’t do casual sex. I do value having him around because I like his company a lot, and yes I do have a huge crush on him. Time will tell if he does want me in his life or not, I do hope that the dreadful last meet-up on me refusing him sex and him getting mad was not the last time I see him. It sounds like you are destined to frustrate him until one or the other of you caves or quits. In the meantime, you both get a friend (no benefits).
BaileyB Posted October 24, 2019 Posted October 24, 2019 But I am very firm with my boundaries; it takes a lot for me to have sex with a guy, I need to know that he has feelings for me and cares about me. Related to sex, perhaps... But respectfully, in this and your last relationship you have really struggled to establish and enforce healthy boundaries. There are a lot of parallels with what you are doing here - just an observation, but you tend to keep these guys around for far longer than you should (five hours in this case;)), hoping that they will have a change of heart and get on board with your agenda... This is not healthy and it shows very poor boundaries. The thing is - when someone shows you who they are/tells you want they want from you - you really need to believe them. You can’t hear it, and dismiss it, in the way that you do... “yeah but, if we can just be friends then maybe I will still get what I want from this man...” A man who wants you for sex will not be your friend. If he does, he is only waiting you out hoping that you will someday change your mind and give in to his agenda - in much the same way that you are doing the same (with a very different agenda).
BaileyB Posted October 24, 2019 Posted October 24, 2019 It sounds like you are destined to frustrate him until one or the other of you caves or quits. No doubt. Babybrowns, your time would be better spent looking for a man who wants to be your boyfriend, or a girlfriend who wants to be your friend - with no other agenda.
stillafool Posted October 24, 2019 Posted October 24, 2019 You say you're not sure if you want him as a bf because he isn't as intellectual and mature as you like. Yet you are still waiting for him to want you. You claim to want to be his friend but said you would not be comfortable with him telling you about a new gf. I think you are fooling yourself but no one on this board. You are basically hanging in there for whatever breadcrumbs this guy throws your way.
elaine567 Posted October 24, 2019 Posted October 24, 2019 There is derogatory name that is used for women, who act in ways to attract and "promise" sex only to turn men down at the last minute.... Five hours of keeping him on tenterhooks thinking you do want sex with him when you had no intention... That is a dangerous game to play. 2
d0nnivain Posted October 24, 2019 Posted October 24, 2019 , he gets angry and doesn’t see why I won’t sleep with him. The anger is a red flag. I can see why he's frustrated but anger is a bridge too far. No matter how much a crush you have, maybe it's time to walk away from this guy
BaileyB Posted October 24, 2019 Posted October 24, 2019 The anger is a red flag. I can see why he's frustrated but anger is a bridge too far. It is. I agree. But I also agree with elaine. You are playing with fire, OP. You really need to get clear in your intentions and communicate that clearly with the men you date. It’s quite naive to think that you can form a friendship with a man who is pressuring for sex and becomes angry when it doesn’t happen... You are sending him all kind of mixed signals, by saying no and then keeping him around. It’s a dangerous game to play. Be careful. 1
d0nnivain Posted October 24, 2019 Posted October 24, 2019 You are sending him all kind of mixed signals, by saying no and then keeping him around. It’s a dangerous game to play. Be careful. She can say no but keep him around as in still date him. She needs to stay out of his house or any other location where sex is an option. Boundaries have to be maintained by words AND actions. 2
BaileyB Posted October 24, 2019 Posted October 24, 2019 (edited) She can say no but keep him around as in still date him. She needs to stay out of his house or any other location where sex is an option. Boundaries have to be maintained by words AND actions. Sure. But both people have to agree to date without sex, and it doesn’t sound like that’s what he wants. And therein lies the problem here. I do think that it’s totally a woman thing to think that you can be “friends” with a man. Men can certainly have female friends. But, you generally don’t see men surround themselves with platonic female friends - their girlfriends don’t generally like it. and, they certainly don’t tend to form friendships with women to whom they are physically attracted and want to have a sexual relationship. If they do, they are probably still hoping that she will develop an interest in dating him, given time... I completely agree, she needs to be clear with her intentions and boundaries need to be maintained by both words and actions. Otherwise, the signals are mixed and she could potentially put herself in a very difficult position. Edited October 24, 2019 by BaileyB 2
Author babybrowns Posted October 24, 2019 Author Posted October 24, 2019 (edited) She can say no but keep him around as in still date him. She needs to stay out of his house or any other location where sex is an option. Boundaries have to be maintained by words AND actions. This is exactly it. I would want to keep meeting up with him doing fun stuff together, if it was up to me. I feel that we could have waited it out a bit longer and got to know each other more, but the ‘come to lunch’ date ruined things and it is a shame, our association really didn’t need to end like that. We were having fun together when we were ‘not’ at his house and things just got awkward when we were. I do feel it was too early for him to just throw in the towel after all the good times we had. I was simply not ready for sex especially after the number of times he kept telling me he wasn’t ready for a relationship- I don’t do casual sex and he just doesn’t get that. He seems to be very novel to the fact that some girls need to wait for commitment before sleeping with a man; he just would not get it. He doesn’t have many women in his life- he lives with 3 guys and has a whole group of male friends that he sees every weekend. Worth mentioning too that he doesn’t have a sister back home, only a brother. His parents divorced when he was at college and his father is not in their lives. Going forward, I am staying out of his sphere for now, not texting him at all and playing the waiting game to see if he texts. As much as I do want to reconnect with him and suggest another meet-up like play a sports match together, I know that it would only be fun for me if he genuinely does want to see me and so it has to come from him. I am hoping that the good times that we had outside the house, amounted to more than him just waiting to get me into bed, something he has now seen will not happen. Only time will tell if he does contact me again. Edited October 24, 2019 by babybrowns
stillafool Posted October 29, 2019 Posted October 29, 2019 I think going forward you should not date anymore men who are not looking for commitment. You are which makes you incompatible. 1
kendahke Posted October 29, 2019 Posted October 29, 2019 I would want to keep meeting up with him doing fun stuff together, if it was up to me. What's the point when that's not what he wants from you? Do you think this tack will help you to wear down his resistance to what you want eventually? That's gambling away your youth and youth is a finite commodity. When it comes to what he wants to invest in, a romantic liaison isn't what he's looking for and he's just as much in the right for not wanting that as you are for wanting what you want---you two are just not right for each other at this point in time. A man who doesn't want a commitment acts like that. A man who does want a commitment acts like that. Instead of trying to turn a man who doesn't want a committed relationship with you into one that does, go find a man that does from the go. 3
Recommended Posts