babybrowns Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 I met a guy about 2 months back. I have not slept with him. Initially, things were going really great. I was even thinking he was moving way too fast. We would have a lot of fun when we would see each other, the hours would just fly by. He did a few things which displayed his interest in me very clearly, such as - texting me every single day - changing his schedule at work to spend more time with me - wanting to come along if I was going on a trip at the weekend - getting me a gift from his vacation and texting me frequently when he was on the vacation A few weeks into us dating, however, it came up that he still wasn’t completely over his ex. I brought this up, because he would mention her from time to time. They were together for 4 years and broke up a year ago. They are not much in touch anymore. He admitted that yes, he’s not fully over her and does think about her now and then. He subsequently decided that he and I should be ‘just friends’. But then he changed his mind a few days later and wanted to keep dating me. I know that a lot of people would have run away at this point, but I liked him enough to wait and see. Since then, things have been quite ‘up and down’. He has kept changing his mind. He wanted to be ‘just friends’ with me, then more, then just friends again, saying he is not ready for a relationship with anyone just yet. He even brought up that he was talking to his mother about it and she advised him to ‘just enjoy being single for now’. It was during one of these ‘just friends’ phases that he offered to cook lunch at his house for me. He really likes to cook since he used to be a chef. I went over, under the pretext that it would just be innocent and platonic like our other meet-ups (like bowling etc) were. Especially since he lived with housemates. But no, he did make moves on me at his house when we were alone after lunch. He tried to make me agree to ‘friends with benefits’. I refused, saying that unless we are exclusive, I can’t be more than platonic with him. He agreed to it at the time but I still wouldn’t let him go too far past kissing me, for the number of times he’d changed his mind in the past. He didn’t like this. He called me up the next day and said there’s no point in us continuing to meet, because ‘if I’m asking him for exclusivity, it can only mean that I want a relationship. He doesn’t want a relationship, he’s not ready for one, so let’s stop wasting each other’s time’. He did say though that he still wants me in his life. I suggested that we have a break, that we should stop speaking completely for a while, that he needs some space away from me so he can figure it out. A week after this, he wished me happybday and used the opportunity to start speaking to me again, we went back and forth with texts and he seemed to want to continue the conversation each time. I invited him to a bday party I was doing but it was quite late notice, he regretfully said he had already made plans but asked me where the party was anyway just incase he could make it. That’s where things have left off for now. I am waiting for him to get back in touch with me. I know that things don’t look too good with him and I am getting on with the rest of my life but I am still thinking about him since I am fond of him. We had fun times together and it would be a shame for it to end there. But I really don’t like this waiting game and am considering just blocking him to save this uncertainty and ‘waiting for him to text’. But what we had, was fun enough to not just give up and block him forever at this point. We do have a friendship and it would be nice to keep meeting up, but I want him to initiate the next meet-up. I don’t want our friendship to be just texting and nothing more. I am wondering how long I should wait before blocking him? Many thanks for the advice
clia Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 Block him now. You don't want the same things. You want a relationship, he doesn't. You are kidding yourself if you think you want to be "just friends" with him. Instead, you are secretly hoping he will change his mind and want a relationship with you. He doesn't. He told you that. He keeps reaching out to you because he hopes you will cave in and agree to FWB or have sex with him. This is a waste of your time and it's time to move on. 4
Blind-Sided Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 I know the thread says... "Have I lost him?" But honestly, I don't think you ever had him. I'm guessing, from the beginning, he was looking for a FWB, and was just working up to it. Sorry. I'm also guessing that even if you go out with him again... that will be his actual plan regardless of what he may say. 1
stillafool Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 It was good that he told you the truth that he is not completely over his ex and is not ready for a relationship, which is what you want. He was honest but as a man still needs sex so he will look for a FWB or casual at some point. If he wasn't giving you what you wanted you must have seen this coming. You'll be okay but you should go NC at this point.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 I know the thread says... "Have I lost him?" But honestly, I don't think you ever had him. I was about to write the same thing. I don't think this had the legs to evolve into something more. It sounded like he was on the rebound and got ahead of himself before realizing he's not over his ex. It was good that he was honest about it, but that's where you two should have stopped seeing each other completely. Friendship under these circumstances isn't realistic, and FWB would be an even more terrible idea. There is no point keeping in touch with him, since you two are on completely different pages. You only stand to get hurt here, girl. 2
Redhead14 Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 You never "had" him. If a dating partner is not on the same page you are . . . you move on. You don't string yourself along by accepting something less and hoping the other person will change their mind.
Author babybrowns Posted October 21, 2019 Author Posted October 21, 2019 (edited) Ok so I should have perhaps paraphrased it to ‘have I lost his will to keep seeing me’. Thank you for your replies so far, I agree with all of you, but what’s keep me going is how good things were when things were good with us. I’ve been played before in my earlier 20’s by someone who just wanted sex, this is very different since this guy and I have shared many good experiences together and have developed a friendship ‘outside the bedroom’. I am willing to give it some more time to see what happens, but I might have to give him the ultimatum if it’s just a case of us texting sporadically but never meeting up. Edited October 21, 2019 by babybrowns
clia Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 Ok so I should have paraphrased it to ‘have I lost his will to keep seeing me’. Thank you for your replies so far, I agree with all of you, but what’s keep me going is how good things were when things were good with us. I’ve been played before in my earlier 20’s by someone who just wanted sex, this is very different since this guy and I have shared many good experiences together and have developed a friendship ‘outside the bedroom’. I am willing to give it some more time to see what happens, but I might have to give him the ultimatum if it’s just a case of us texting sporadically but never meeting up. As someone who has been there, done that, and bought the t-shirt, I implore you to please not waste your time. You view things between you as so good and "different," but he doesn't see it that way -- or at least not good enough to want a relationship with you, and I expect as you keep saying no to FWB, even friendship. 1
Flame Aura Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 Ok so I should have paraphrased it to ‘have I lost his will to keep seeing me’. Thank you for your replies so far, I agree with all of you, but what’s keep me going is how good things were when things were good with us. I’ve been played before in my earlier 20’s by someone who just wanted sex, this is very different since this guy and I have shared many good experiences together and have developed a friendship ‘outside the bedroom’. I am willing to give it some more time to see what happens, but I might have to give him the ultimatum if it’s just a case of us texting sporadically but never meeting up. You are completely missing the point. He has been clear and honest to you that he does not want a relationship and is not over his ex. He is contacting you because as a man, he still wants to have sex. He does not want a relationship with you. You are the rebound to help him get over the ex and as his mum put it 'enjoy being single' which translates to 'sleep with women without commitment'. You are just wasting your time by not blocking him now. If you want to be a rebound and get hurt then sure keep on 'waiting'. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 Ok so I should have perhaps paraphrased it to ‘have I lost his will to keep seeing me’. The bottom line is the same, no matter how you word it. You want to date him, and have a relationship with him. He doesn't want to date you and have a relationship with you. Giving him an ultimatum is going to make you look desperate, since he's already been clear that he doesn't want what you want out of this. There's no sense in trying to force his hand. There's also no point in waiting to see how things go. There's just no future with this guy. 1
stillafool Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 Why would you chose to waste your time when you already know what the outcome will be? This is the problem with some women as they know the guy doesn't want more but somehow think they can magically change their minds. You are setting yourself up to be hurt. Don't complain later on.
d0nnivain Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 I don't see the point in blocking him but I also don't understand why you think this has any potential. You can just delete him without taking the extra step. It's not like he's going to chase you. There is no need for an ultimatum. You already know the score: You want an exclusive relationship. He wants NSA sex because he's not over his EX. He may be attentive & fun but that doesn't mean you are on the same page. If you stop responding to the breadcrumbs, he'll go away. Because you respond, he thinks you will eventually succumb & sleep with him. 3
Author babybrowns Posted October 21, 2019 Author Posted October 21, 2019 (edited) Thank you for these replies. There is a bit of a twist here though, in that, even I am not sure that I want a relationship with him. We are slightly different in some ways. But we are attracted to each other. Do I want platonic friendship with him, no, do I want a relationship with him, not really at this point. If anything I would have just kept things going as they are with the ‘possibility’ of a relationship on the horizon. To make this be at least moving in a particular direction rather than no direction at all. What I do not want is for my body to be used and to develop an attachment to a guy who just sees me as a sex buddy. That is why I suggested the ‘exclusivity’ thing, which is an option I would be ok with. But to him, even that option is not acceptable and ‘sounds too much like a relationship’ which I guess is where we do differ a lot in what we want. I guess that if he keeps texting me even after I made it clear to him that he will not be getting sex from me, it does suggest that he likes me more than a sex buddy. Edited October 21, 2019 by babybrowns
d0nnivain Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 When people have sex, their bodies release a chemical endorphin that binds them too each other. It's part of why women especially fall for their FWBs. Some people are hardwired to suppress those feelings & can have sex without emotional complication. You are not such a person. Stop trying to make yourself. If you have sex with him it may be grand. But he may also be having sex with other. At the very least occasionally being in your bed will not stop him from looking around for the woman he really wants to be with. You will get hurt. 2
Flame Aura Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 I guess that if he keeps texting me even after I made it clear to him that he will not be getting sex from me, it does suggest that he likes me more than a sex buddy. Mistake #1 - you keep thinking that men (him) think the same as women (you). We don't, we think completely differently. Been there done that, in his shoes. You will be the one who will end up getting hurt one way or another, guaranteed. 3
Author babybrowns Posted October 21, 2019 Author Posted October 21, 2019 When people have sex, their bodies release a chemical endorphin that binds them too each other. It's part of why women especially fall for their FWBs. Some people are hardwired to suppress those feelings & can have sex without emotional complication. You are not such a person. Stop trying to make yourself. If you have sex with him it may be grand. But he may also be having sex with other. At the very least occasionally being in your bed will not stop him from looking around for the woman he really wants to be with. You will get hurt. The woman that he is in love with, is his ex. But that relationship has finished. It’s the moments of realisation of that when he comes back to me. He has said to me that he doesn’t want to lose me from his life. I want to wait around a little longer and see what happens, but if what ensues is just sporadic texting without him initiating any meet-ups, eventually I’ll give him an ultimatum on this friendship and then disappear.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 It seems to me he is waiting for your boundaries to weaken, so that you'll give him what he's really after--FWB. He's not ready to date seriously, but he still has desires for companionship and intimacy. If you submit to this, you run the risk of getting emotionally attached. Then he'll say, "I told you from the beginning I wasn't looking for a relationship." 4
Author babybrowns Posted October 21, 2019 Author Posted October 21, 2019 It seems to me he is waiting for your boundaries to weaken, so that you'll give him what he's really after--FWB. He's not ready to date seriously, but he still has desires for companionship and intimacy. If you submit to this, you run the risk of getting emotionally attached. Then he'll say, "I told you from the beginning I wasn't looking for a relationship." This is very true because this is just what happened already. The last time we saw each other, he took advantage of the fact that the venue was his house. He thought he could get me to give in to sex because we are attracted to each other, but I showed him that I am not like that. He tried for 5 hours to get me to go upstairs to his bedroom with him but didn’t succeed and he wasn’t happy. I just hope that it’s not the end of our friendship because we do have good times ‘outside the house’ when this kind of thing doesn’t happen.
d0nnivain Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 5 hours??!! Seriously you put up with this for 5 hours? Guess what? He's winning. You needed to be out of there after no more then an hour of his begging. By sticking around you were indicating to him that he could possibly talk you into this. You liked the fact that he kept trying. Eventually you will give in. That is what he's counting on. 4
clia Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 Thank you for these replies. There is a bit of a twist here though, in that, even I am not sure that I want a relationship with him. We are slightly different in some ways. But we are attracted to each other. Do I want platonic friendship with him, no, do I want a relationship with him, not really at this point. If anything I would have just kept things going as they are with the ‘possibility’ of a relationship on the horizon. To make this be at least moving in a particular direction rather than no direction at all. What I do not want is for my body to be used and to develop an attachment to a guy who just sees me as a sex buddy. That is why I suggested the ‘exclusivity’ thing, which is an option I would be ok with. It really sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that you want something different than what you really want. Being exclusive is being in a relationship. I know many people try to split that hair, but there is no difference. He tried for 5 hours to get me to go upstairs to his bedroom with him but didn’t succeed and he wasn’t happy. This guy is not your friend. A friend wouldn't treat you like this. And why on Earth are you sitting at this guy's house for five hours while he tries to convince you to have sex with him? 6
Blind-Sided Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 ............. If you submit to this, you run the risk of getting emotionally attached. Then he'll say, "I told you from the beginning I wasn't looking for a relationship." I've only had a couple short lived FWB situations... and this happened in one case. AND... in that case, it was her who said she didn't want a relationship, and after a few months, when I found a GF... she got mad. My cousin (her friend) actually had to step in to calm her down. ..... He tried for 5 hours to get me to go upstairs to his bedroom with him but didn’t succeed and he wasn’t happy................... That is your answer. Stop hurting yourself... he doesn't want anything more than to just get in your pants. It could get emotionally very bad for you. Just stop. He is not your friend, and just wants some. You only have some good times outside of the house because he's TRYING TO GET INTO YOUR PANTS. 3
stillafool Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 5 hours??!! Seriously you put up with this for 5 hours? Guess what? He's winning. You needed to be out of there after no more then an hour of his begging. By sticking around you were indicating to him that he could possibly talk you into this. You liked the fact that he kept trying. Eventually you will give in. That is what he's counting on. I agree. If you put up with this for 5 hours without leaving you liked it. This guy is not a friend and you know it. 1
Author babybrowns Posted October 21, 2019 Author Posted October 21, 2019 I know I should have left his house earlier and it is not something that I will do in the near future, go to his house again. It ended in a very uncomfortable way with him frustrated that I didn’t give in to sex, he just doesn’t get that I’m not one to do casual sex. It was very very clear to him after 5 hours of persisting. The fact that he started texting me a week after this episode, normal texts asking how this and that went (he is good at remembering things I tell him), suggests that part of him does miss the friendship. How things pan out now will show whether he genuinely does want to be friends or not; if I don’t hear from him for a month then it’ll be clear he doesn’t care about being friends.
d0nnivain Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 he just doesn’t get that I’m not one to do casual sex. It was very very clear to him after 5 hours of persisting. No it wasn't. That is what you are missing. You think you were clear by saying no. But what he understood from your behavior was you saying, "Maybe, talk me into it." When you agreed to go to his house he heard you say maybe. When he asked & you said no the first time but didn't leave, he heard maybe. For every minute you stayed beyond the 2nd ask he concluded that no means yes. He thought you were playing that silly game where women say no, but stick around & the guy's hands keep creeping further. Then sex happens but she whines "It all just happened so fast" so she doesn't take responsibility for her own sexual decisions. He's played that game enough to believe that is what you were doing. I am not saying you were. I believe you when you said no but I am telling you that you were anything but clear. Clear would be getting up & walking out. You stayed. 5
Allupinnit Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 We women are so good at lying to ourselves when it comes to this. Like Clia, I have also gone down this road with a guy. And yep, I fell for him. And nope, he still didn't want to be my boyfriend. When they tell you that up front you HAVE to believe them. In my case the guy acted very much like a boyfriend when we were together, would call and text regularly but he would NOT put a title on it and I had to break the whole thing off - and I was heartbroken. Don't do this to yourself. Please. 3
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