Confoosedgal Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 I dated *Anthony for only one week before deciding we weren't a match. He asked if we could remain friends. I agreed but kept a big distance. Weeks later, I made the idiotic mistake of sleeping with him, one drunken night after my ego was bruised. It only FURTHER CONFIRMED that I did not want to date Anthony (he kept blaming me for his own shortcomings that night, pun intended). I didn't want to be friends after that, feeling it was now tainted between us and stopped talking to him, although he persisted. Eventually, we became friends again. It started with flirtatious texts here and there. Within weeks they became nastier and nastier, every single day sometimes multiple texts. On top of these messages, he started becoming jealous when I'd tell him about upcoming dates and made a couple of rude comments. So, I sent him a straightforward and thorough message saying: "I have no interest in dating you. If you want to cut this friendship, I'm okay with that. Otherwise, you are not allowed to make me feel bad or guilty for my dates. And you need to cut down on some of these "jokes," you make. They don't feel like jokes when you say them 3x a day. Would you say these same things to your male friends? How would you feel if someone said this to your sister?" He apologized but claimed that ALL GUYS joke like this. He said it's just part of his personality and his other girl friends don't become upset. A few weeks ago, we went out to Dave and Busters where I had a few drinks and I didn't trust myself around him, so I stopped drinking and had an Uber pick me up. He noticed what happened and since then the jokes have started once again, he's been flattering the hell out of himself, and he's taking his perviness to another level now. I'm not trying to be conceited but he has told me and so have my friends that I am out of his league, physically. Because I slept with him once and left Dave and Busters, I believe he now thinks he's THE MAN and now has this extreme need to flirt and say these disgusting things I don't like, and constantly flatter himself. It's been 6 weeks since Dave and Busters, he keeps saying things like, "Oh yeah, if you had just one more drink, we would have been in the back of your car within the hour riding each other. Oh yeah, you would have been ALL over me, if you had just one more drink. Let's hang out tonight, but we can't drink because you know we'd be all over each other and I really don't want that." (That's ALL he wants). He feels so proud of the fact that it would take 6 heavy drinks for me to DESIRE him. And the fact that he would even ENCOURAGE it disgusts me. I brought this to his attention today and he said that he was just "joking," that i need to lighten up because this is the way "men speak" and that he told his other girl friend that he wanted to have sex with her and she simply laughed about it, and I should laugh about it too. WTF? Is this how men joke to women? All day, every day? I make jokes too, CLEAN sarcastic jokes, he & I get along because of our love for comedy & we're both good listeners for each other. But, these "jokes" aren't funny to me when repeated so often, they just come off sick. I thought dating someone would get him to stop, but he now flatters himself even more! "Well don't have a Long Island with Joey! Just like that time at D&B when you were only a drink away from ripping your clothes off for me." Should I drop his friendship? Is he just waiting for me to make another drunken mistake? Do normal men make these jokes constantly? Wtf is he expecting? *There are a lot of positives, this is his worst aspect and why I'm considering dropping him.
Flame Aura Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 All he wants is to have sex with you. And because you gave it up to him one time (why on earth did you) he thinks that's what you want too. Why are you even replying to him at all? Just stop all contact, do not reply, no need for an explanation telling him about it. Just do it.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 OP, come on. You know what he's after here, and you've chosen to "be friends" with him? For what reason? Are you secretly flattered by his attention? You say you're disgusted and upset, yet you continue to let him in your life. That makes no sense, not even on a friendship level. 2
basil67 Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 No, this is not a normal guy thing. This is an arsehat thing. 2
Maddie82 Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 Is this how men joke to women? All day, every day? No! Not at all. Men should NOT do this and most don't. Should I drop his friendship? Yes. Immediately. Is he just waiting for me to make another drunken mistake? Do normal men make these jokes constantly? Wtf is he expecting? No, normal men don't do this. This guy is an ass of the highest kind. There are a lot of positives, this is his worst aspect and why I'm considering dropping him. You haven't written a single positive thing about this guy. If this is the way he treats you then i'm baffled why you haven't cut contact and deleted his number. If this isn't his worst aspect then i dread to think what is
elaine567 Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 This is the reason you do not make friends out of guys who want to date and sleep with you. He is being a bit of an idiot and over he top with his flirty, jokey, pervy banter, but probably only because you have put him in the friend zone. Had you been interested then his banter may be better received by you and he may not have got so nasty either. Stay away from such orbiters, by staying around as his friend you are actually torturing him, he thinks one day you will cave. Stop sending out mixed signals.. By sticking around he thinks you are interested. Guys do not often get the concept of platonic friends. He is likely only friends with girls he is interested in, so he thinks if you agree to be his friend you are interested in him.. Stop all contact. Not only for his sake but for your sake too. These kind of guys can mess up any dates and relationships you have with other guys.
Art_Critic Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 He is only looking to get his noodle wet... The guy is making those comments hoping to have sex with you again. Like Elaine said, you can't be friends with him, the sex thing will always be out there.
stillafool Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 I agree that you know what he's after and why he makes these comments. I'm confused as to why you would accept him as a friend to hang out with when he shows you so little respect. You know he is not a friend and is only interested in you for one thing, which he is making clear as day. Stop the disrespect, take back your self esteem and get this creep out of your life. You are not confused.
Blind-Sided Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 (edited) .. Is this how men joke to women? All day, every day? ................. Well............. Sort of. All day, everyday... NO ! OK, I have several female friends, and some I joke like that with them, and some I don't. Anyone I would joke like that with would be a long time friend, and not looking to get together with them. Also, if they seemed like any off-color jokes weren't appreciated... then it would stop. For example: I have 2 female friends who have gotten me through my divorce. Both of them are married, and both of them I've known for more than 13 years. With girl #1... just last night, we were txt'ing back and forth about some girls she wants to hook me up with. At one point, she sent a picture of a glass of beer, and that she was at the local brewery. BUT, then she didn't txt back for about an hr. She apologized, but my comment back was, she was drunk, and under the table, and it's hard to txt with a wiener in her mouth. She then txt'ed back saying she was going to set me up with her friend with big teeth, and that would rip my "Helmet" off. She is clearly ok with it, and jabs back just as bad. Girl #2 on the other hand... when we txt... any joking will be MUCH less graphic. For example, she wants me to meet a friend of hers who is a little shy, and her comments would be... "you may get lucky, so wear clean underwear. I can come over to help you pick them out." So there is innuendos, but nothing graphic. OK, with that said... if he is "Joking" very graphic... he should also have enough brains to know if it's OK or not. If he can't, then he also may have issues with knowing where other boundaries are. (a safety concern) Finally... most of my other female friends I don't joke like that at all with. Edited October 21, 2019 by Blind-Sided 1
d0nnivain Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 Should I drop his friendship? Is he just waiting for me to make another drunken mistake? Do normal men make these jokes constantly? Wtf is he expecting? He's not your friend. He's a guy who wants to F*** you. Please note I picked the vulgarity because he doesn't even just want sex. He cares nothing about you. There is a difference between vulgarities & talking dirty in bed. Mostly it's about how you feel about the guy. When you like the guy, some people find the dirty talk arousing. Otherwise it's just vulgar & unwelcome. The idea that he would blame you for his shortcomings & then make comments about your other behaviors is why you can't have an EX lover in your life as a "friend." First you have already crossed that line; it's too easy to slip again, especially when you have been drinking. As a general proposition if you have seen somebody naked & had sex, do not classify any future interactions as "just friends". It doesn't work because you are not platonic. Look at it this way, if you are lucky enough to find a new guy to date, that guy will not tolerate Dave's presence in your life as anything other than an unpleasant memory. As you also admit you slept with him to stroke your own ego. That is why you put up with his nonsense. You secretly like it because it's flattering that he keeps trying. 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 He makes the "jokes" because he doesn't respect you. Quit rewarding him with your attention. Block and move on. 1
GoreSP Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 Wow that guy is a major red flag. This guy is pretty much bragging he can have sex with you because you are too drunk to say no. In some states/country this would be legally considered rape. The fact he is just waiting for you to make «another drunk mistake» is predatory as hell. Not sure why you haven’t blocked this guy yet. 2
smackie9 Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 He isn’t the problem here you are. You have made poor choices and this is why this is happening. You should have blocked and deleted him right from the start. There was absolutely no reason to keep in contact with him. He served no purpose. What.... was he too good looking to let go? Or maybe he would turn a new leaf and become a gentleman after some time being your friend? Just admit you just couldn’t help yourself because he looks hot. You have to go out of your way to control your desires and that is telling. Cut him loose, go no contact, don’t give him some silly goodbye message, block and delete his number. 2
SumGuy Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 .... He apologized but claimed that ALL GUYS joke like this. He said it's just part of his personality.... No they don't. He is actually very far into the sleazy d**che bag part of the spectrum, but yes it is a part of his personality, his can't get it up overcompensating d**che bag personality Is this how men joke to women? All day, every day? No it's not. Those who do it all day every day are usually just a step away from a sexual harassment suit. Now it may be all the men he knows act this way, likely because even other men find him crash, moronic, childish and offensive. Should I drop his friendship? Is he just waiting for me to make another drunken mistake? Yes, drop and block. He is just waiting to get you alone drunk and take advantage of you. If this guy believes his own internal narrative, he seems like the prime kind of guy to commit date rape. Do normal men make these jokes constantly? Wtf is he expecting? *There are a lot of positives, this is his worst aspect and why I'm considering dropping him. No, it is not normal. Men do not make those kind of jokes constantly, perhaps crude boys do and men who are compensating (you already know he has some issues in that department). Who knows what he is expecting but it is likely not good for you, I don't attribute a lot of thought process to guys like that...just crude opportunists. What could the positives possibly be? Are you sure they are even real positives or what you making assumptions? I can see that a guy like this may do well in certain jobs, so maybe $, but his personality is repugnant. His behavior shows he lacks character at the most fundamental level an/or is immature. I suspect what ever positive traits you think he has don't really exist. 1
Legatus Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 What could the positives possibly be? Are you sure they are even real positives or what you making assumptions? I can see that a guy like this may do well in certain jobs, so maybe $, but his personality is repugnant. His behavior shows he lacks character at the most fundamental level an/or is immature. I suspect what ever positive traits you think he has don't really exist. Very possible that the positives are just part of the charade. He showed you the most disgusting part of himself and he is proud of it. There are things that can't be just put on a scale and expected to be balanced. Dump the &())@*#_ 1
Author Confoosedgal Posted October 21, 2019 Author Posted October 21, 2019 I'm the OP. Initially, I put his positives but it made the thread way too long. When he's NOT making jokes, he's a really good listener and he can be incredibly light and funny in other ways. My sister has severe mental health issues and I have Lupus so it's nice to talk to someone about both when things get really, really bad. The jokes will stop, he'll talk on the phone and listen for a bit, and give advice if needed and vice versa. My girl friends aren't such good listeners. One of them has major ADD and I'm lucky if I can get her to sit still for 5 minutes, another always puts her boyfriend first and if he wants to hang out she'll cancel in a heartbeat, and another I'm cool with. I don't like his jokes but I do like his reliability and consistency. That's why I'm on here. Because I don't know if the good outweighs the bad anymore. And, I can't tell if I'm being overly sensitive.
NuevoYorko Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 How is it that you consider this a "friendship," and that you're actually investing your time and emotional energy into it? 1
d0nnivain Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 When he's NOT making jokes, he's a really good listener and he can be incredibly light and funny in other ways. My sister has severe mental health issues and I have Lupus so it's nice to talk to someone about both when things get really, really bad. So he's not ALL bad. That doesn't make him good for you. The bad is definitely dominant. You have a lot going on. I'd love to crawl through the computer & give you a big hug & share a cup of a tea. It sounds like you could use a friend. Alas he feels like a friend because there is nobody else. Again, the absence of a quality reliable ear doesn't make his jokes or his predatory behavior acceptable. Don't settle. Perhaps join a support group of other Lupus sufferers or a caregivers group with others who also deal with mental illness in the family. You need kind caring supportive people in your world. They will present the contrast you need to understand how unsuitable this guy is. Your present friends aren't cutting the mustard. Time to expand the circle. 1
SumGuy Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 I'm the OP. Initially, I put his positives but it made the thread way too long. When he's NOT making jokes, he's a really good listener and he can be incredibly light and funny in other ways. My sister has severe mental health issues and I have Lupus so it's nice to talk to someone about both when things get really, really bad. The jokes will stop, he'll talk on the phone and listen for a bit, and give advice if needed and vice versa. My girl friends aren't such good listeners. One of them has major ADD and I'm lucky if I can get her to sit still for 5 minutes, another always puts her boyfriend first and if he wants to hang out she'll cancel in a heartbeat, and another I'm cool with. I don't like his jokes but I do like his reliability and consistency. That's why I'm on here. Because I don't know if the good outweighs the bad anymore. And, I can't tell if I'm being overly sensitive. Yet he doesn't listen when you ask him to stop with the jokes. Finding a man who will listen to your life woes and offers advice is easy. that is a pretty low bar and is really a baseline characteristic. Frankly, most men love to give advice to help you fix your woes, even when women may not want it . Your life experience has led you to believe that his listening and offering advice is some rare trait. It's not. Likewise reliability and consistency are pretty basic, baseline traits. However from where I sit he seems reliably and consistently pervy and disrespectful, reliably and consistently trying to get in your pants. I would not be surprised that a big reason he appears reliable and consistent is no one else will talk to him (especially women), most women would have blocked him long ago, most men will distance themselves from him if they heard his idea of jokes. His bad traits, in my opinion, far outweigh his good traits which are just basic, baseline traits which could easily vanish. You shouldn't have to put up with someone disrespecting you and basically sexually harassing you just to be listened to. You are not being overly sensitive. The evidence is you have asked him to stop, and he continues and finds ways to escalate, and when you speak up he tries to make you think it is you not him. It's him. He is pulling a DARVO on you. His behavior is insensitive, rude, crude, and maybe even down right manipulative. 2
rjc149 Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 How old is he? Sounds like a kid. Regardless, if you've told him the sexual talk is inappropriate for your relationship and it bothers you, and he persists, he has no respect for your boundaries and generally sounds like a chode. But that's the thing -- it doesn't bother you. Superficially yes, because it's rude, vulgar, and non-compliant. On a subconscious level (the same level that allowed you to 'open up' to him) you are insecure and his attention and attraction to you is flattering and validating. Because if it was truly unwelcome and repulsive, and he was truly crossing a line, you would have cut him off already. So the question you need to ask yourself is whether his validation is worth his disrespect. For a lot of women, especially those with low self-esteem, being disrespected and sexually objectified is worth the validation. For some women, they know they can find better men to deal with. Become one of those women. 1
kendahke Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 (edited) He apologized but claimed that ALL GUYS joke like this. He said it's just part of his personality and his other girl friends don't become upset. He's a liar. All guys don't do this. Only guys with no couth and no home training do this. Well, where are his other girlfriends and why aren't they still dating him? I'm not sure the trade off for him listening to you is worth you having to tolerate him treating you with contempt. With some people, letting them glimpse your vulnerability is like chumming the waters for sharks--eventually, they're going circle around and come for you. Edited October 21, 2019 by kendahke 1
rjc149 Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 (edited) PS: I would probably avoid this guy, especially around alcohol. Last thing you want is Dickie Date Rape slipping a mickey into your drink when you're waiting in line for the ladies room. Seriously. Avoid this guy. Edited October 21, 2019 by rjc149
kendahke Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 OP--you do know your phone has a block feature on it. That'd be a good way to stop hearing from him.
lurker74 Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 ...he's a really good listener and he can be incredibly light and funny in other ways. My sister has severe mental health issues and I have Lupus so it's nice to talk to someone about both when things get really, really bad. The jokes will stop, he'll talk on the phone and listen for a bit, and give advice if needed and vice versa. My girl friends aren't such good listeners. One of them has major ADD and I'm lucky if I can get her to sit still for 5 minutes, another always puts her boyfriend first and if he wants to hang out she'll cancel in a heartbeat, and another I'm cool with. I don't like his jokes but I do like his reliability and consistency. That's why I'm on here. Because I don't know if the good outweighs the bad anymore. And, I can't tell if I'm being overly sensitive. OP, this message concerns me even more than your first. Not because of him, but because of you. You say he's a good listener...he isn't. He doesn't listen to you when you tell him to stop. Just because he's good in other areas does not balance out the fact that you are here questioning if it is appropriate for a man to make you feel objectified and joking about diminished capacity. That makes me think you have certain needs in your life that you are seeking to fill with things not meant to fill them. In fact, even you sleeping with him is evidence of that, since you say it was about your bruised ego and drinking more than anything. Yes, he's being a jerk. He's using your weaknesses against you to get what he wants, and one of those weaknesses is apparently needing someone to whom you can vent so much that you ignore really, really poor behavior. I would suggest you go see a therapist for a few weeks to see if that helps, since the therapist is literally there to hear you. Eventually, you will meet someone who listens to you at ALL times, not just when it's an opportunity to get into your pants. 2
smackie9 Posted October 22, 2019 Posted October 22, 2019 OK I knew there was something missing to the story.....your vulnerability. You suffer from Lupus, no emotional support, etc. He is a manipulator, a predator. The more you showed your vulnerability the more he could use that to manipulate you into thinking you could trust him. He looks for the weak, plays that by being a good listener, tell you what you want to hear to get your guard down. And that is how he got you to sleep with him....now he knows how to play this game. Like the other poster said...it’s all a charade. He weaves his web, capturing you emotionally. Yikes! Run for the hills girl! 2
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