Great beginning awful ending to a first date. What do I do now?

October 22, 2019

To all the parents here who are proudly flaunting their parenting skills - NEWSFLASH: Most of you probably have no idea what your kids have ACTUALLY done in their dating life because of the HIGH EXPECTATIONS you had of them and so they never shared the failures they faced.

Indeed. I've done the best I can teaching my daughter. But if she never makes a mistake, misjudges a situation or person, she'd be the first young woman in history (who has a social life) to do so.

October 22, 2019

Folks, what's done is done. What she should have done, what you would have done, or what you think your kids would have done in the situation is of no real use to the OP after the fact.

OP has already expressed her regret at what happened, let's move forward and give her the advice she asked for, What to do now.

October 22, 2019

What she should do now in connection with this guy is nothing. There is no point in telling him how she feels, or in telling him off.

What she should do now is think about her own boundaries and devise strategies for enforcing them. If she's comfortable with first date sex or a ONS, there is nothing wrong with that. If the absence of a second date will lead to regret over what happened on the first, then she should take steps to clarify this for herself and think about how to handle future situations.

Above all, her own safety is paramount. Bringing a stranger home, even one who was not drunk, could have had a far worse ending.

October 22, 2019

What she should do now is understand what her mistakes were and why they were mistakes. Then she can make sure she doesn't make those same mistakes again.

Women need to exercise common sense and enforce boundaries and listen to their guts. Bottom line is there isn't anyone who can know what a strange guy would or wouldn't do if he were alone with a woman. So the best practice should be don't allow yourself to be alone with a strange man. And, if you do, you don't say no 10 times. If you have to say it twice, you leave or ask him to leave and open the door for him to leave and with your phone in your hand ready to dial.

Best practice is to not allow an opportunity like this to exist. Yeah, if someone mugs you in a dark alley, they were wrong for mugging you but its just better to stay out of dark alleys.

Consciously putting yourself in a bad position by ignoring common sense and then blaming whatever happens entirely on someone else doesn't "hit home" in terms learning how to protect yourself.

We can blame the guys and their parents for not doing a better job of raising their sons and parents of daughters for not giving them the skills they need to make sure they are safe in the world but blame is a useless, non-productive tool for shifting accountability. Accepting accountability is empowering and a tool for learning lessons that is lasting and ensures that those lessons are put into practice.

Edited October 22, 2019 by Redhead14

October 22, 2019

Problem is a lot of men believe "No, really means Yes", if he is good looking enough, sexy enough, persuasive enough or persistent enough... then he is entitled to sex.

They believe it because society tells them, other men tell them or they learn by experience... if they push it enough, lay on enough of a sob story, add in enough romantic BS, show enough pure machismo, they learn women will fall for it or be threatened enough by it, that they will cave.

Job done, NEXT...

We in society, love "winners" so men are applauded, women are shamed for being weak fools...

The OP needs to learn how life really is, it is no fairy story.

Edited October 22, 2019 by elaine567

October 22, 2019

This guy didn't do anything wrong AT ALL. Like I said earlier, persistence is not a crime.

The guy wanted sex. So what? She might want sex some time herself. She knew that that was likely the case with him and she set herself up for it PLAIN and SIMPLE. There is no crime in wanting sex. If she wanted it too that would be OK. But, you can't go back and call him a bad guy because she couldn't "man up" and enforce her boundaries. No matter how you slice this, she consented to this situation PERIOD and he isn't a bad guy because she didn't enforce her boundaries.

And, if a woman or a man is afraid of having a one-night stand, the way to at least avoid that is to wait for a while until she gets to know a guy before having him to her home or be alone with him. And, take time to have conversations about dating goals and observe whether their behavior is consistent with those conversations, etc.

Some men get beat up because "all they want is sex". So what if they do? Women don't have to give it to them and, there isn't anything wrong with not want a relationship and just wanting casual sex. There are women who are OK with that as well. Neither of these two even went to the lengths of finding out what they each wanted, etc.

In the end, really, the OPs situation was simply about safety and preventive measures not taken. Our mothers taught us a long time ago as kids to watch out for strangers . . . that doesn't change when we become adults. In fact, it becomes even more important.

Edited October 22, 2019 by Redhead14

October 22, 2019

This guy didn't do anything wrong AT ALL. Like I said earlier, persistence is not a crime.

It may not be a legal crime, but repeatedly ignoring someone's boundaries is certainly ethically wrong, IMO. If someone tells me they don't want date me, I don't wheedle them into bringing me somewhere "because I can't drive" and then ask them 9 more times to date me while they're trapped in a room with me.

October 22, 2019

Persistence may be seen as coercion. Persistence, when someone has said no either verbally or non-verbally, is one hundred percent, coercion. It’s non-consensual, and in some jurisdictions coercion is a crime.

October 22, 2019

I have had many experiences since being single of saying no to men, on, two, even three times but all of those times every single one of them has been decent enough to be aware that no doesn't mean try harder and this has been my first experience otheerwise.

Alas you have now encountered this type of guy. In my experience this pushy sort that will test your boundaries until one breaks is the more common, especially way back when I was in college.

Having encountered this, I think from this awful experience you now have better tools about how to spot this type of guy & how to shut it down early. On some level it was learning experience.

One of my BFFs had a similar but more G rated experience. Out of town for training in connection with her 1st job, she looked up an old college friend who lived about 100 miles away from where she was. He invited her to his place, a 1 BR apt, for the weekend when she didn't have training. She went. After dropping her overnight bag in his bedroom they went to a fancy romantic dinner -- candle light, white linens, heavy silverware etc. She just called it a "nice dinner" when she recounted this story to me in tears from a pay phone at a rest stop (it was many years ago, before cell phones). Anyway, they got back from dinner. He lit some candles & turned on soft music. She sat on the couch. He poured some wine. Guess what happened next? She was horrified because he tried to kiss her!

She was my immediate concern because she bolted from his house without her overnight bag & was literally calling me hysterically crying from a rest stop. However I felt so bad for the guy. Here he thought the girl he was crushing on since college was showing up for at least a date with him & after setting a lovely romantic stage, she freaks.

Going forward I suggested she would have been better off blowing out the candles, turning on a light & sitting in a chair by herself if she intended to telegraph the no kissing vibe. It never even crossed her mind.

You are clearly more worldly then she was but you still have to recognize the "won't take no for an answer" type who thinks no means "talk me into it" and then take actions to back up your words. You can't assume that men you don't know all that well have integrity. This guy sure didn't.

Problem is a lot of men believe "No, really means Yes", if he is good looking enough, sexy enough, persuasive enough or persistent enough... then he is entitled to sex.

Exactly. Somebody else in this thread suggested this guy was a loser who can't get women which is why he pushed so hard here. Nope, it's the opposite. This guy has figured out this "technique" -- just keep pushing & pushing until she caves -- works to get him the ONS / NSA sex he wants so he uses it all the time. There are silly girls out there who don't want to take responsibility for their own sexual desires so they fall back on "it just happened" like they had nothing to do with it when they encounter guys like this. The poor OP had apparently never met a guy like this before but they are out there, in droves.

He probably thought he was nice guy since he came back with some sort of breakfast in the morning.

October 22, 2019

It may not be a legal crime, but repeatedly ignoring someone's boundaries is certainly ethically wrong, IMO. If someone tells me they don't want date me, I don't wheedle them into bringing me somewhere "because I can't drive" and then ask them 9 more times to date me while they're trapped in a room with me.

Coercion to be considered a crime would be accompanied by threat and/or fear of harm. If she was afraid of him and he was coercing by menacing her that's a different story. This doesn't sound to be the case with her. He was persistent, not coercive.

We need to stop all the pussy footing around and making problems where there are none and save that for the really serious cases. The OP regretted her lack of boundary enforcement and felt like she needed to make him the scapegoat.

October 22, 2019

He probably thought he was nice guy since he came back with some sort of breakfast in the morning.

He did that to check in case she was thinking of reporting him for assault or rape. He knew he had pushed it too hard.

Rapists especially date rapists try to emphasise the consensual aspect, so bringing breakfast is a good ploy, as surely if he was a rapist he would not do that...

October 22, 2019

He did that to check in case she was thinking of reporting him for assault or rape. He knew he had pushed it too hard.
Rapists especially date rapists try to emphasise the consensual aspect, so bringing breakfast is a good ploy, as surely if he was a rapist he would not do that...

Ew. . .

Really?

October 22, 2019

The guy was a jerk, sure, but calling him a rapist now? The OP didn't go to those lengths in her own recounting of this situation and admitted to consenting. Whether he wore her down or not is irrelevant. She didn't say he threatened her or used any kind of tool of fear and she didn't even relate the story with that kind of tone.

This is the kind of thing that makes dating even more difficult these days.

When it was almost morning we were making out again and even though I said no a few more times I did finally cave and we slept together.

Paleeze . . . if nothing else the message was mixed. That's so unfair to try to turn this around on him entirely and call rape.

And, maybe he just brought her breakfast because she allowed him to spend the night rather than call an Uber or a friend late at night, etc. Her first reaction was that it was a cute gesture not some demonic plot to disguise his evilness.

Edited October 22, 2019 by Redhead14

October 22, 2019

He is certainly not a rapist & the sex was consensual even if a tad unsavory. I was simply more aghast that date rapists bring breakfast in an attempt to cast the encounter as consensual.

Seriously is that a thing? I have never hear of such a phenomenon.

I really think this guy was just pushy & in his mind he was doing a nice thing by bringing breakfast because he thought they both had fun, no regrets.

October 22, 2019

The other thing that bothers me about this whole thing is that the next day she wanted to reach out to him and call him out on his behavior -- where were those "balls" at the time when she was making out with him while saying no all those times???? That was the time to "call him out."

October 22, 2019

redhead14

While it was happening candygirl1414 was believing whatever sweet nothings he was whispering in her ear to convince her to have sex. In the light of day when she realized she'd been used, she got understandably angry.

October 22, 2019

redhead14

While it was happening candygirl1414 was believing whatever sweet nothings he was whispering in her ear to convince her to have sex. In the light of day when she realized she'd been used, she got understandably angry.

I wish I could be so Polyanna about this. This is a grown woman, who consciously allowed a strange man into her home against her better judgement, as per her report, and then consciously made out with him a number of times during the course of the evening and then again early in the morning. She also reports that she is not new to dating . . . so the naive card isn't playable.

He didn't use her. She allowed herself to be used. There's a difference.

Edited October 22, 2019 by Redhead14

October 22, 2019

He didn't use her. She allowed herself to be used. There's a difference.

Maybe but I remember making some colossally stupid decisions about men -- just like this -- when I was in college.

If you believe this is the 1st time she met a guy like this, hopefully she learned her lesson.

October 22, 2019

Since we seem unable to stick to the topic I'm going to close this one up for now.

If the OP returns and would like to update it they can request the thread reopened and cleaned up via the ALERT US button.

Sign In

Great beginning awful ending to a first date. What do I do now?

Recommended Posts

basil67

Tristian

introverted1

Redhead14

elaine567

Redhead14

Els

elaine567

d0nnivain

Redhead14

elaine567

d0nnivain

Redhead14

d0nnivain

Redhead14

d0nnivain

Redhead14

d0nnivain

Tristian

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...