Great beginning awful ending to a first date. What do I do now?

[GeorgiaPeach1]

As long as you see yourself as a victim and don't hold yourself accountable for your willingness to participate, you won't grow from this experience.

[NuevoYorko]

Interesting that it seems the majority of guys on here have put it on the woman to block him. I don't think that they understand that for a lot of women it takes practice to find that voice because girls are taught from a young age to be nice and feminine and gracious and not make a fuss.

Definitely true - but, hopefully the OP can chalk this one up to "learning the hard way" about boundaries.

 

OP, I think you'd already set yourself up when you walked him to his car because you'd be walking home - and, after that, he "couldn't drive."

 

Not your problem. Please take good care of yourself on dates. I have a daughter too.

[Els]

He kept insisting he come to my place since he lived far and couldn’t drive

 

In the future, unless you actually WANT the guy to sleep over, the best response to this is: "I'll call you a cab/Uber". Seriously, he's an adult, he should know that if you drink and can't drive back, that's what you're expected to do. He's not a helpless lost child. He was preying on your good intentions and manipulating you, and you fell for it hook line and sinker.

 

Anyway, would it be appropriate and not seem crazy if I let him know that acting like That after that night is not okay or just count my losses this time and just let it go? Thanks!

I suggest you block him, right now.

[basil67]

So all the posters here saying it's all on her:

 

If this was your daughter, would you tell her that it was completely her fault? Or would you talk about his behaviour and how it was unacceptable, the red flags to look out for and how to manage situations where there are men like him.

 

Likewise, if this was your son, and you heard what happened, would you tell him that his behaviour was fine and he did nothing wrong? That it's OK to ignore repeated No's from a woman?

 

The OP can't change his behaviour, but surely there's room to reassure her that his behaviour was completely unacceptable and to help skill her up for managing this kind of thing in future without casting blame.

[Ruby Slippers]

So all the posters here saying it's all on her:

 

If this was your daughter, would you tell her that it was completely her fault? Or would you talk about his behaviour and how it was unacceptable, the red flags to look out for and how to manage situations where there are men like him.

YES. First of all, I would have told her before she ever started dating not to let a guy come back to her place unless she was ready to have sex with him.

[d0nnivain]

So all the posters here saying it's all on her

 

It's not ALL on her. This guy clearly had an unsavory agenda that he pushed. He achieved his goal -- a ONS.

 

However there were many decision points at which she had the power to alter the outcome. She failed to ACT & acquiesced to this guy. Her voice was weak & her actions non-existent.

 

It was partly socialization. She wanted to be a caregiver, to not let him drive drunk. She didn't want to offend him; after making out for a while she was probably riled up too but thought it would be rude to either banish him to the couch or say no outright. On some level as a society we have to stop telling little girls to "be nice."

 

This guy did not rape her. She said yes. When she belated realized he only wanted one thing she sought to repair the relationship. She still doesn't appear to understand that he never wanted a relationship.

 

Going forward she needs to develop a much healthier dose of skepticism & better boundaries.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

So all the posters here saying it's all on her:

 

If this was your daughter, would you tell her that it was completely her fault? Or would you talk about his behaviour and how it was unacceptable, the red flags to look out for and how to manage situations where there are men like him.

 

Likewise, if this was your son, and you heard what happened, would you tell him that his behaviour was fine and he did nothing wrong? That it's OK to ignore repeated No's from a woman?

 

The OP can't change his behaviour, but surely there's room to reassure her that his behaviour was completely unacceptable and to help skill her up for managing this kind of thing in future without casting blame.

 

She wasn't forcibly assaulted, was she?

[kendahke]

So all the posters here saying it's all on her:

If this was your daughter, would you tell her that it was completely her fault?

 

Don't need to. My daughter doesn't do this.

 

She's got way more self awareness than that. I had this talk with her a long, long time ago and when she was a teenager, I didn't present this behavior as an example of how adults acted.

 

I would tell any young woman that stranger danger is a real thing in one's adult years and to reconsider the wisdom in inviting a man you don't know back to your bed to spend the night.

 

If you don't ruthlessly stand sentry to your own boundaries, no one else will.

[OatsAndHall]

The guy is a manipulative POS and I think you're better off if you cut ties with him completely, starting now. Honestly, you set physical boundaries, he violated those boundaries repeatedly and that could constitute assault if given how he did so.

 

 

 

If things get hot an heavy with a woman, I either let them take the lead or I move extremely slowly.... If I try to get to "first base" and they ask me to stop, my hands stop roaming completely.. If things start to progress and I get an uncomfortable vibe from them, I pump the brakes and ask them if they want to slow down.

 

 

 

And, that's not me being a a white-knight; that's just common human decency.

[Redhead14]

Seriously!!!!! Women need to accept accountability for their own actions and for the positions they allow themselves to be in. PERIOD. There is no way in H E double LL you should be allowing some strange man to come to your house. You met him once randomly out somewhere for a little while!!! You don't allow strangers to your home until after a few dates at least.

 

You set yourself up for a one-night stand and got one.

 

Block, delete, forget. You scolding him for his behavior would be moot. He doesn't give a crap what you think about his behavior. He got what he wanted.

 

what’s really really bothering me is that 1. I didn’t want him to come over after the date, I didn’t invite him and he basically insisted until I caved and 2.on top of me not being comfortable with him coming over when I said no multiple times to having sex he still continued to try and get me to have sex until I caved as well.

 

It's not his fault that you don't enforce boundaries.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but sometimes that's what's needed.

[basil67]

She wasn't forcibly assaulted, was she?

 

She was coerced. This is something our kids are taught about in sex-ed in school under the heading of Respectful Relationships. That it's not OK to coerce sex and about how to recognise and walk away from such behaviour.

[Candygirl1414]

Thanks very much all for the responses and tips, to those of you who posted helpful, non judgmental, responses.

 

To those of you who were more interested in shaming me for behavior - just as I in no way, shape, or form shamed him in my post, it was equally as inappropriate for you to shame me. I clearly took responsibility for MY part saying that I caved twice, I was solely writing a post for a opinion on how my part of this, as well as his made me feel and asking for opnions if I should send him a text saying as much. I have had many experiences since being single of saying no to men, on, two, even three times but all of those times every single one of them has been decent enough to be aware that no doesn't mean try harder and this has been my first experience otheerwise. To all of you who found it necessary to tell me you wouldn't be in this position yourself and "what did you expect" thats great for you but everyone has things they are working on, I just happened to put mine out there today and if you had done the same I definitely wouldn't have been so judgmental in my response.

 

Thanks very much again to all the helpful responses! Know better do better

Edited October 21, 2019 by Candygirl1414

[Londy]

He didn't feel the least bit guilty.

 

 

I was rooting for you right up until you said you caved. Why did you cave? Did YOU feel guilty?

[stillafool]

Until we are all teaching our girls to be strong, empowered and not be afraid of making a fuss, this kind of thing will continue. It's the old fashioned, sweet girl values which underpin the vulnerability of the women who are still being coerced into sex. It is not the fault of the girl if she can't find her voice, it's the fault of those who value and teach sweet femininity over being properly assertive.

 

You are correct and it's hard to imagine in this day and age that people would still raise their daughters with this mindset. People need to stop making beauty and sweetness a priority with their daughters and focus more on building strong minded girls who are raised to be strong. Glad you did this with your daughter. In this age of MeToo it's hard to believe that any young woman would not know about boundaries when it is being discussed constantly on social media and constantly in the news. Everyone is aware unless they live under a rock.

 

Women will never be able to control the actions of a man or anyone else. None of us can do that. All women can do is protect themselves from a bad situation. Suppose this stranger OP invited into her home and bed did more than try to have sex with her. C'mon you read the headlines and they aren't pretty. I would rather use harsh language to get OP to think hard about the situation she put herself in than to end up on the front page of some newspaper or the leading story on the evening news.

 

I do tell my nephews all the time the proper way to treat women and also how to protect themselves from women because it isn't just men who do bad things.

[Allupinnit]

She was coerced. This is something our kids are taught about in sex-ed in school under the heading of Respectful Relationships. That it's not OK to coerce sex and about how to recognise and walk away from such behaviour.

 

That Christmas song that we all loved basically made light of this very common situation women find themselves in.

 

We're to have iron-clad boundaries regardless of what just transpired over the date, be it too much to drink, a sultry kiss at the door, etc. Come on, people. We women are human and have desires, too. We're going to make mistakes along the way. Sleep with someone and then regret it, wondering how we could have avoided the guy disappearing on us - it feels like crap! And then on top of it we're told that we should have been "smarter."

 

OP - a lot of us have made this mistake. Next time if you don't wanna bone then just send the dude home in an Uber. Don't beat yourself up. I mean, was the sex at least good?

[Allupinnit]

If things start to progress and I get an uncomfortable vibe from them, I pump the brakes and ask them if they want to slow down.

 

 

All. Of. THIS.

Edited October 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[introverted1]

So all the posters here saying it's all on her:

 

If this was your daughter, would you tell her that it was completely her fault? Or would you talk about his behaviour and how it was unacceptable, the red flags to look out for and how to manage situations where there are men like him.

 

Likewise, if this was your son, and you heard what happened, would you tell him that his behaviour was fine and he did nothing wrong? That it's OK to ignore repeated No's from a woman?

 

I have a son and two daughters.

 

I taught my daughters not to put themselves in compromising situations that could end badly - like inviting a drunken virtual stranger into their home at the end of a first date. And I taught them that they should never feel pressured into doing anything they don't want to do.

 

I taught my son that no means no, and that he should never behave the way to man in this thread did.

 

Above all, I taught all my kids that they are responsible for their actions. That means being smart and respectful and knowing how to handle themselves appropriately in a variety of situations.

Edited October 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed spacing

[introverted1]

OP needs to own her part in this event. She sent him a text expressing how much fun she'd had and offering a second date. Only now that he is not responding is she regretting the sex.

[basil67]

And at this point, discussion about how disrespectful his behaviour was is more important than ever. I would rather empower the OP recognise that what he did was wrong and give her the tools to avoid being in a situation like that again than just shame her for making a bad decision.

Edited October 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[NuevoYorko]

So all the posters here saying it's all on her:

 

If this was your daughter, would you tell her that it was completely her fault?

 

I do have a daughter, she's grown and we went through all kinds of crap during the dating years. I have confidence that this is not a situation she'd find herself in today, in her 30's, because of how she was raised AND "learning the hard way" through her own choices, including people pleasing behavior.

 

It's not a matter of being the OP's "fault." The guy is an A-hole. If she wants to rip him a new one, that would be fine by me, though I would not advise it because I fear that she'd be hoping he'd be sorry and come around. That's a lost cause, and not a worthy cause.

 

There were very many times during this story when the OP made decisions - there was no reason not to call him an Uber immediately following the date. Why walk him to his car if he was incapacitated to drive? That part I don't get - why go to his car at all? She was not coerced to bring him home. She was not coerced to make out. And though she says she was "very firm" in her attempts to stop the making out - she chose to let him stay there. He needed to be asked to leave, and that did not happen. He was pushing her boundaries, which is not OK but she did not do anything to strengthen her boundaries. I guess what I'm saying is that if she said "no" and he did not respect her "no," the best self-care she could have shown was to NOT just "cave," but rather escalate her own boundaries. That Uber call. That never happened.

 

This is not shaming the OP. I don't think she should feel ashamed AT ALL. She did nothing to be ashamed of. He was / is a pig. But, if she did not want to have sex with this jerk there were many forks in the road leading up to it where she could have taken a different turn, and she did not.

 

Those choices were up to her.

 

Dear OP - take good care of yourself.

[Ruby Slippers]

I didn't mean to judge or shame you. Believe me, I've done stupider things than this. And learned from them.

[winny]

To all the parents here who are proudly flaunting their parenting skills - NEWSFLASH: Most of you probably have no idea what your kids have ACTUALLY done in their dating life because of the HIGH EXPECTATIONS you had of them and so they never shared the failures they faced. And I am sorry but indirectly you are putting down the parenting skills of OP's parents which is absolutely uncalled for.

 

The man in this story is a POS. He is manipulative and he is worthless. Probably never gets any girls thats why tried so hard to get her. OP can learn and improve on how she handles these kinds of men but this man will stay manipulative and worthless all his life. I feel bad for his parents, his future wife (if he gets one) and his future kids ... men like this are a burden on this earth who make the life of women hell and we women have to learn so many skills just to navigate through their 10000 manipulative actions. It's so exhausting I tell you.

[Els]

I agree that the victim blaming is classic patriarchical bull****.

 

That being said, there's a big difference between telling her "this is all your fault, he did nothing wrong, of course boys will be boys and it's your responsibility to fend them off yadda yadda", and just advising her on how she can avoid this in the future. Of course dude was an *******, which is inexcusable. But there are things she can do to prevent herself from falling prey to inexcusable behaviour again.

 

I think it's irresponsible not to suggest actionable decisions that she can make next time - if a friend of mine had his car broken into and his valuables stolen, I wouldn't say "well it's not the burglar's fault that you left them in plain sight", but I would absolutely say "don't leave your valuables in plain sight in your car next time."

 

Advice does not equal blame. It's not ideal that we have to be on guard towards burglars, *******s, and manipulators, but such is life.

[Legatus]

And at this point, discussion about how disrespectful his behaviour was is more important than ever. I would rather empower the OP recognise that what he did was wrong and give her the tools to avoid being in a situation like that again than just shame her for making a bad decision.

 

I totally agree with this. We can't change what happened, nor can we change his behaviour, but we can definitely help the OP recognise how to protect herself from such behaviour in the future

[basil67]

I agree that the victim blaming is classic patriarchical bull****.

 

Yep, I'm fine with skill building. But it was the "what were you thinking" or "you must have wanted it" kind of advice without comment on his behaviour which got me.