bmne90 Posted October 19, 2019 Posted October 19, 2019 So I posted a while ago about my girlfriend of 2 months and me arguing constantly: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/690817-busy-girlfriend Most of the responses were about us cut back on all the “maintenance texts” during the day, and so we did. That part got better. The problem is, when we’re together, things are great. We have so much fun, there’s never a single thing we disagree on. It’s when we go about our businesses, when I go back to my school and she goes back to her city during the week that arguments occur. Just in the past two weeks, we’ve argued 3 more times and even though we always make up each time, she always says she’s really “tired”, and understandably so. The things we fight about each time varies, ranging from topics like her being too busy and not spending enough time with me, her having too many male friends, her not putting in as much as I do, her not saying she loves me as much as I do, and her not staying over at my house as much as she used to. But she’s also done so much for me and spent a lot of time on me as well, that I find myself asking for more, like I’m not satisfied with something. The one thing in common is I always seem to blame her, like I’m always the one picking a fight with her. She almost never complains about me, and always seems to be defending herself after every argument. A few days ago, I found something else to accuse her of, because I found her texting a male high school friend of hers, even though the texts were almost all about about me. After that fight (and after we had made up), I sat her down and asked for her opinion on our relationship. It was then that she started crying and saying that she’s been wanting to bring up the fact that we should maybe take a short break, but that she doesn’t want to at the same time. She kept asking me if I think us fighting all the time is normal. She also said she does not want to break up because she loves me a lot and wants to work things out. The next morning, we met up, she said she’s really depressed and asked me if I could walk her through this tough time with her. So my question is, what’s gonna happen? I still wanna be with her too. What needs to change? What’s the problem here?
dramallama Posted October 19, 2019 Posted October 19, 2019 Quite honestly, you sound like the problem here. You complain she's not spending time with you, complain about her male friends etc. You either have to accept she's giving you what she can and trust that those guys are FRIENDS and stop having a go at her; or accept that she's not meeting your needs and move on. 1
smackie9 Posted October 19, 2019 Posted October 19, 2019 You are the problem...you are clingy and insecure. This won't stop until you stop. 2
d0nnivain Posted October 19, 2019 Posted October 19, 2019 So my question is, what’s gonna happen? I still wanna be with her too. What needs to change? What’s the problem here? What's going to happen is that you are going to break up. You are being controlling, needy & ridiculous. The more you chase, demand & pressure, the less attractive you are the less she wants to spend time with you. You can't demand that a SO give up all contact & communication with members of the opposite sex. You can't keep score on who says I love you more. You don't have enough trust in her to maintain a long distance relationship. You are needy in that you have the unrealistic expectation that she should spend all her time with you -- no work, no sleep, no outside interests. You want her world to revolve around you & when it doesn't you become petulant which causes the arguments. On some level you are poking the bear (her) just to get a strong reaction (a fight) out of her because in your mind that shows she cares; you do this because you aren't getting enough positive reinforcement from her for your tastes. The problem there is that you need & want too much. If you hope to save this, tell her you love her & that you're willing to back off. Go a whole week without fighting. Say nothing negative to her but don't contact her every day. Do set up a date for next weekend. You go to her. But be positive & upbeat during the date. Unless you can go without finding fault, this is over. 1
Gretchen12 Posted October 19, 2019 Posted October 19, 2019 You know what the problem is, but you still chose to call them "fights". If she doesn't react to your complaints wouldn't you just escalate it? It's happening because you have certain needs. It often comes from childhood.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 19, 2019 Posted October 19, 2019 This one's done, OP. She is already worn out and feeling smothered after just a couple months. It is very unlikely that she will have a change of heart. This relationship has been rough from the get-go and she's over it. Sorry, man. Learn from this and apply the lessons to your next relationship. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted October 19, 2019 Posted October 19, 2019 The things we fight about each time varies, ranging from topics like her being too busy and not spending enough time with me, her having too many male friends, her not putting in as much as I do, her not saying she loves me as much as I do, and her not staying over at my house as much as she used to. l These fights are really one ongoing fight about the same issue. You want more time and attention and focus. You don't feel like you're her priority, and you're freaked out by her contacts with other men. Typically a person acts like you're acting here ... when the other person doesn't like them as much as you like them. Your complaints will continue--because for whatever reason, she's just not that into you. Note: lots of times I could enjoy time with someone. The real test of whether I was into someone came when schedules got a little busy or we were away from each other. It was then that my low interest became clear. End the torture, bro. She's either not that into you ... or she simply doesn't have the love style you need. 1
kendahke Posted October 20, 2019 Posted October 20, 2019 What is going on in your life that you've got an insatiable appetite for attention that is killing your relationship? You're in a LDR and you have separation anxiety and don't self-soothe--that's why you start fights. She's getting sick of the drama you start and wants you to muzzle that now before she sets you adrift for good. I'd figure out a way to straighten myself out if you don't want to be set adrift. 1
preraph Posted October 20, 2019 Posted October 20, 2019 I think it's too late to salvage, but I think the obvious solution if you only get along in person and never when not in person would be to stop talking about anything until you're together, honestly. You are too insecure.
Interstellar Posted October 21, 2019 Posted October 21, 2019 (edited) What’s your age? and her? why would you want a woman to tell you how much she loves you? Are you a boy looking for a mama? Is that what a charming guy would say? “Please tell me how much you love me. I’m feeling vulnerable and unloved.” The hero on the white horse doesn’t ask his gf to reassure him of her love. Have you ever read those romance novels? The woman has to chase the guy and earn his love. Fighting never raises interest level. You’re hanging by a thin thread, if at all. You’re on your way out. If you can still salvage this relationship, go back to what made her love you to begin with. You know those positive traits like not being insecure and needy. Edited October 21, 2019 by Interstellar
Recommended Posts