He doesn't ask me questions

[Timshel]

Well, I think I cannot make it... Today he wrote me something about our planned meeting on Sunday.....

 

 

Is this texting? There are some who would prefer to talk in person and use text to communicate the specifics of when in person will happen rather than carry on a conversation.

It may be a simple difference in communication style which could change as things progress or remain a source of frustration for you...but you won't know unless you are willing to take more time.

Edited October 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Maddie82]

I am close to simply finish this but then it will not hurt to give it a shot. If it will not improve I will know he is just self centered 100%

 

He doesn't sound self centered at all. He just sounds a little shy and like the kind of person who doesn't want to seem like they are prying by asking allot of questions.

[Lisa_Lisa]

QueenMay, writing from experience, this guy I really really liked never asked me questions or follow up questions and I randomly asked "you never ask me about myself" and he said "I don't like to pry." That could be true, but it could also mean he simply didn't care. In my case, he simply didn't care about me as I dated him on and off for the next year and a half and nothing changed or got better. So, I think you're reaching your tolerance threshold here so it may be best to slide him down your priority list and date others. I made that guy my number one, and in the end, he got with someone else.

[Timshel]

Hello all,

Over a week ago I met online a guy. He asked me out, we were talking a lot about our shared interests (we have a lot in common).

 

 

It's a little soon to write him off, in my opinion, especially because he was working long hours when you last texted him.

 

Already not enough probably does mean that it is doomed.

[Gretchen12]

I went out with a guy for a year who never knew what I do for a living or my hobbies. He never asked. If there was something I wanted to tell him, I would just say it, I don't need prompts. The subject just never came up. Guess what, one day he says he wants to end it because I was secretive and not open to share my life. He said "I tell you everything but I don't even know what you do for a living." I know I'm guilty of being secretive.

 

In your case, you do want to tell him stuff but you need to be prompted. There are some things people ask to be polite and he's not doing that either. So the conversation throws you off because he doesn't cue your entries. He may be self absorbed and you wouldn't want to continue. But since this bothers you, I think it'd be interesting to see if you can be comfortable just talking about yourself without being asked. Be a little more selfish and assertive. Say "now let's talk about ME!". See how that feels.

[Timshel]

Right, all agreed but I don't think they have met yet. OP, have you met this guy in person yet?

[QueenMay]

@Timshel...

Yes, we've been on a date few days ago and he didn't ask me questions either. Maybe few but the same ones I asked him.. now we are exchanging texts and I am talking about myself only, no one is asking any questions. I don't think it will last, I need the other person be curious about me.

Edited October 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Timshel]

Ok QueenMay, that's fair. If it's not happening for you, move on. There is wisdom in not spending too much energy on what does not work.

Don't waste time or worry over something simple...best for the future.

[Ruby Slippers]

I can't imagine enjoying a date with a man for more than 5 minutes if he wasn't expressing an interest in getting to know me by asking questions. It doesn't get much more basic than this.

 

I always try to give a guy at least a hint of feedback if I decide to move on, on what wasn't doing it for me - but be careful with this, as some of them don't take it well and get mad.

[d0nnivain]

No wonder you can't find a relationship. You have little patience & less compassion.

 

At this point you have known this man for about a WEEK. You have been on 1 date. Give the guy a break.

 

Not everybody is chatty or forthcoming. Many people like this guy have poor communication skills They simply don't know how to hold up their end of a conversation. Yet, people pass judgment on them & call their shyness lack of interest, being self centered or worse a red flag.

 

I do see a red flag but you are the one who is flying it. Do you give this poor guy a chance? Probably not.

 

Look I get it. I'm very straightforward to the point of being blunt. My husband is extremely quiet not a talker by any means. Using the yardstick you have established here I should divorce because my husband rarely initiates conversation after 11 years of married life. OMG on our 1st few dates the guy hardly said a word. You would have rejected him outright. I decided to listen to the silences. He was so happy to find somebody like me who would take the laboring oar in a conversation but who also learned just to be quiet in his presence. He tells me often without words how much he cares.

 

If you are this quick to judge -- after 1 week & 1 measly date -- you are gonna be alone a long time.

 

Instead of carrying on about what you want, sit back for at least 2 more dates & see what happens if you let him come to you. He might not, in which case you are absolutely right, he's not interested. I think it's more likely that he is shy with underdeveloped social skills who needs to be nurtured. IMO like many people today you expect that from 1 date will spring a long lasting decades tested level of intimacy. Doesn't happen that way. Two people need time --as in years -- to grow closer.

 

Whatever you do, do not confront him. That will just make you a bully. It is OK to gently tell him you would like it if he asked more Qs. It's also OK to share with him that his lack of Qs gives you the impression that he doesn't care which hurts your feelings. In short be vulnerable.

[preraph]

I bet if the subject of sex came up, he'd be plenty conversational. Sounds like he doesn't really care about your life history.

[Versacehottie]

I have to admit that I am guilty of not sharing much about myself and focusing on another person. I definately should think about that

 

I've found with this current lack of conversational skills that people really might not get a lot better with asking questions but that you can fix things a bit by sharing things about yourself unprompted. Then they will give you a question or two and usually ask about it the next time you are in touch. It's very small increments of progress but it helps move things in the right direction.

 

To be fair, as much as you want him to be reciprocal don't minimize yourself and maybe put yourself out there more just because with whoever. It's kind of the way some women are conditioned to wait for the questions and guys are conditioned the opposite way.

 

By the way, I don't think you are being needy or asking for too much. A guy who doesn't ask much would lose interest too for most of the girls I know in a bit of time. In the end, it makes him slightly boring and there is not a lot of traction to build knowledge of each other, inside jokes and that kind of stuff if it's a one way street. It's a short sighted way to build a connection and it will often fail. Somewhere between understanding that guys are guys, each person is an individual so they will do things differently from you and him showing a healthy amount of interest is the right balance. Also if you can't find his affection in the questions he asks, try to see if he does nice things for you (small ones). I think sometimes guys do that instead. Don't forget guys are like 80% (don't quote me on that one) less verbal than we are. and then on the other hand it's not a pass for him being lazy about you. Perhaps ultimately you are not compatible.

 

I agree with winny don't say it seriously but call him out playfully about not asking you anything. Give him a chance to make a change in his behavior once he knows how you feel. It's not going to change right away and may change in increments and maybe never enough for you. But at least if you give it a chance you will know if you are doing the right thing if you end up breaking up with him. There just may be someone better suited for you out there--don't get hung up on that part of needing a guy it will cause you to make bad decisions that make you frustrated and unhappy. Good luck

[crispytoast]

Wow I've learned a lot from this thread. Like I said I'm of the "not prying" type. It never occurred to me that maybe other people want to be asked about themselves. So thanks ladies

[Kellens]

I can definitely sympathize with you OP. My boyfriend doesn't ask a lot of in depth questions and it's always been something that has bothered me. This guy might be a little selfish or he might lack with the conversational skills until he is comfortable with you. I think if he is still being the same after your next date, gently say something to him about it or give up if that's too much for you.

 

I have trained my boyfriend to get better, and he does care about me, he just isn't the best conversationalist. However, in the beginning I have to say that he did ask more questions, but that was more of the basic stuff that your guy isn't. Good luck!

[Ruby Slippers]

If you are this quick to judge -- after 1 week & 1 measly date -- you are gonna be alone a long time.

Some people - including myself - would rather be alone than feel lonely with a guy who doesn't enjoy conversation and isn't proactive enough to drive one. I've heard too many older women I know complain about being with a guy who never wants to talk about anything, and how lonely it made them feel.

 

I remember my last boyfriend raving about a few aspects of our relationship that were the best he'd ever had - the fun, the passion, the communication. The communication really jumped out at me, because I felt the same way, and I agreed that our connection there was remarkable. We could talk about anything and everything easily, and both really enjoyed it. On our first date, the conversation was so sparkling from the get-go that we didn't even think about opening our menus until we'd been talking for an hour. He loved to brag to people about that, as an indicator of how easily and quickly we clicked. It was great that even during our breakup, the communication was very clear, open, honest, and easily flowed.

 

I don't think it has much to do with being a quiet type. Put me in a large group and I'm usually one of the quietest of the bunch. Small talk in a big group is about as fun for me as going to the dentist.

 

But one on one with a good friend or a potential boyfriend who interests me, I can talk for hours and enjoy getting to know someone like that. Men I date tend to be the same way - overall more introspective and quiet, but open and expressive with me.

[QueenMay]

Due to lack of questions our conversation died today (he just didn't try to keep the conversation going) and he's on a dating site the whole time. I think he is just not interested, maybe as someone else said he would like to just hook up so for that he does not need to get to know me, just to go out few times.

 

I decided to not waste my time on him Thanks for all the replays!

[Saracena]

I have only skimmed most of the replies at this stage but in my experience this can also be a gender thing. Whereas women are more 'direct' way of gaining information ie asking questions guys, esp younger ones I've know employ a more 'learn as you go' approach when getting to know someone, which involved little or no questioning, as such. Of course there will be individual differences and variations here, but all in all this has been my experience.

 

OP, if he's asked you on another date he definitely sounds interested so I wouldn't write him off at this point. After all you've only had one date! It may just be his personality and you may well find he'll relax a bit more as time goes on.

[QueenMay]

I know it sounds crazy but I have fake account (I created it before to check one guy) on this website and I wrote to him as this fake person, who is looking more.. slutty than me. And his asking "her" a lot of questions, about her plans for tonight, what she's doing in free time, etc. It's just that he was not interested, now I am 100% sure. I am not going to meet him this weekend.

[basil67]

Nice catch there QueenMay. And you've made the right decision.

[d0nnivain]

It's really sad that you had to go through that to get confirmation.

 

The small silver lining: You knew something was wrong. Trust your instincts.

[QueenMay]

Today he was contacting me few times a day asking how is my trip going, how was the journey, asking for pictures... I don't know, maybe indeed I was to quick to make conclusions.. I will date other people and see how it will go and if he will put sufficient amount of effort to get to know me as a person.

Edited October 19, 2019 by QueenMay

[d0nnivain]

Is there any chance that you were chasing too hard & not giving him the chance to chase you? Maybe once you pulled back, that sparked his interest, not just the promiscuity of your OL alter ego.

 

Your phrasing here --

I will date other people and see how it will go and if he will put sufficient amount of effort.

still rings of you "testing" him. I know dating is a try out & that you seeking to determine compatibility but there is something in your posts that jars me & makes me think you are demanding & exacting without giving people the space they need to be themselves. I suspect if you can manage a bit more patience & compassion your dating life with improve. Of course there are certain things that can be an instant turn off which is fine. But his conversational style shouldn't be in that category. He may warm up once he gets to know you better; don't write him off just yet. Give him another 2-3 dates & tell him you would like more questions. If after you share your expectations he doesn't meet them, fine, end this but to write him off for not meeting a standard he didn't know existed is game playing.

 

I do think you not putting all your eggs in his basket is the way to go.

[QueenMay]

Hmm, I am not kind of person who is putting too much pressure. I just think I was hurt before and it makes me anxious and impatient and expexting the failure. Thank you for your comment, I think you are right, I am testing guys... I will just get to know him and see how it will go without pressure and will not focus on him only.

Edited October 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[d0nnivain]

You have a lot of good insights into yourself. That is quality place to start. That whole anxious, impatient expecting failure thing probably comes through to your dates even if you are trying to suppress it. Try to remember that everybody has been hurt in love. Just because one relationship didn't work out doesn't mean all of them won't. I was 39 when I finally met my husband I'm proof that not everybody meets their life partners in their 20s.

 

Do things to improve your self-confidence. Have a little faith in the men you date. Switch your mindset from "prove to me that you are not a jerk" to "I'm a good catch & I'm going to assume you are too since I picked you but if you are unworthy I can walk away to find somebody with whom I am more compatible" When you know your own self worth, you can be more generous about giving the other person time to reveal their true nature to you. It's not always apparent in the first few dates.

 

I cried my eyes out after my 1st date with my husband. Because he was so quiet & didn't kiss me goodnight I was convinced he wasn't interested. One of my BFFs assured me that I was wrong. My friend waited until the middle of my wedding reception to say "I told you so."

[mortensorchid]

When someone doesn't ask you questions about you, they are one of two things: Self centered or uninterested. Some do not grow out of their self centeredness of childhood, that's to be sure. I for one was very self centered as a kid until one day someone told me all I do is talk about myself to others. That changed me and now I stay a mystery to others and make sure to talk about other things not related to me.

 

Uninterested, however, can mean a few things.

 

First, they can be completely and utterly uninterested in you and don't want to engage in conversation or be friends with you in any way. I have known some real b****** in my day, and they would scream back at me and tell me they didn't want to hear what I was or was not saying and to stay away from them. And I did.

 

Second, there are a lot of very socially awkward people out there who don't know how to converse with others in general. Unfortunately, you two are not a good match if you are friendly and outgoing. I also thought once that if you encounter a person who is socially awkward or shy or whatever else you want to call it, if I was the understanding one who fosters the person eventually they will open up and come around. It wasn't until fairly recently that I realized this was not the case and this person cannot, will not come around to you because it just ain't gonna happen. And chances are they are enthusiastic and do the things they want to when they want to, and it doesn't include you in the mix.

 

Third, there are some people who can and do want to test limits with others, one of these means is by silence. Granted this is a small instance, but it exists. I have experienced the other extreme of those who act silly and immature most of the time, but I think it's the same thing. In these situations, remember that this person needs you, not the other way around because you're the only person who's kind enough to put up with them.

 

Sounds bitter? Yes, it does, but unfortunately that's what I have learned. If I were you I would reconsider this situation with him, you will not be happy in the long run.