run from red flags or give him a chance? -**Updated**-

[FaithInTheDark]

I guess im writing this was a way to gain perspective and understanding.

sorry if this is long, just trying to give the back story.

I went out with a guy for 1 month that was fresh out of a 9 year relationship and had only been broken up for 3 months.

He had left his city to work in the city l live in now. and during that time they had broken up.

I truly saw this as a red flag, and had a couple discussions with him. He just kept saying it was over with her, and said he'd always be honest about whats going on. He told me the ex and his child were moving into town so he could be closer to the kid , plus the ex was really close with his family. Again, i said this news was too much for me but he kept assuring me it was over with the ex.

i didnt believe it was over at all but i guess i took the risk anyway

I did keep my guard up, but we really clicked when we were together, he showed to really be a decent person and thought it was worth giving a chance.

Its funny though, i had such deep anxiety in the pit of my stomach and i couldn't tell if it was jut early relationship anxiety due to past bad experiences/ uncertainty or my gut was trying to tell me something.

but every day he would call me, text and make plans to see each other/and just do really nice things for me like cook dinner and stuff like that.

Looking back i wish had asked more questions about his past/ and the break up. He said things like shed call him crying a few times a month, she needed space but, dumped him because she was no longer attracted to him. he said it didnt want to waste his life guessing what she wanted. i think

The last day i saw him he was set to leave to their city for his kids birthday party . He mentioned things like how is ex had started being really nice to him and saying she doesn't know what she wants. when he said that, it felt really open ended and since we broke it off... i realized she probably just wanted space and he set it out as a break up to move on from the hurt. i truly think it was still up in the air but he kept sayin it was over proabably because he didnt want to deal with the possibly of it not working out.

I asked him what he wanted and he said " i dont want her and if she wanted him back he would say no"

I was concerned about the idea of him going to the city to see her and the kid, he said he was renting a hotel so he didnt have to stay at the house and assured me not to worry.

well, the day he arrived he called quite a bit and texted more than usual.

the last conversation was him asking if id like to go on a trip for the holidays and even put the phone on speaker so i could chat to his kid and wish her a happy birthday.

that was the last time we spoke, which was 7 days ago, since then he ghosted me, blocked my number.

I wasnt shocked he got back with his ex but surprised about the fact he didnt even send a single word to break it off. i cant lie that it didn't really hurt my feelings. i could see if it was a few dates, but over the course of the month, we spent a lot of time together, kept in constant contact and developed a bond.

he seemed like such a nice person, and even my friends that met him was shocked he ghosted me like that.

what im trying to figure out is what goes through someones mind to not even be able to send a text message to end things? and just choose to cut someone out like that out of thin air? has anyone on here ghosted someone before? is it because you're afraid of how the person will react to the break up or you simply cant handle the uncomfortable confrontation.

in this day and age is seems like a really common thing, but does a normal person handle things like that? in my mind only someone with social issues ghosts a person.

im also curious on peoples thoughts on entering a new relationship without having trust issues? where is the line of having an open heart and not being guarded to the point you cant trust someone?

i just dont know how to go about dating anymore.

i learned 3 things from this.

1) never enter a relationship with someone that has such heavy baggage, and fresh out of a relationship. never again will i take that chance.

2) if there is heavy anxiety, our instincts are trying to tell you something, if it feels off , listen to it

3) how important is it just take things really slow, and become friends with the person first, treat it as a friendship to build a foundation of trust, then go from there.

Edited November 15, 2019 by FaithInTheDark

[sweetgirl75]

I am sorry for what you are going through. I have never ghosted anyone but I have been ghosted just this week. Ghosting is so immature for someone to do. Someone has to be pretty selfish to do it and not caring about the other person's feelings.

[Silver_star]

Sorry he has not communicated with you. How do you know he got back together with her?

Either way...It is cowardly to ghost someone, and very disrespectful of you or the things you shared with him and kindness you showed him.

Don't internalize it. Not all people do this. You should trust again, but let people earn your trust. Use your intuition. As women we have this added sense and we should pay attention to it. Your intuition was telling you something was not quite right...but you chose to listen to him instead and remain hopeful. You didn't do anything wrong in that. This is not your fault at all. It's a lesson to learn in being careful on where you place your time/energy. Don't waste another moment on him.

 

I will say though that hearing this situation I am not too surprised at his lack of emotional maturity or lack of caring for your emotions. He sounds like he is in a fragile emotional state, and likely denial. 9 years with someone and a child together would do that.

I do not believe for a second that anyone out of ANY relationship that lasted any time over 6 months is over it in 3 months...they might be fooling themselves so they can escape from emotions with distractions, or force a new situation into their lives when they are not ready, but eventually they have to deal with the realities and healing. It was selfish of him, and now cowardly to ghost you after his actions. He showed you his true colors though and he has no space for you in his life.. his loss.

[TheFinalWord]

Sorry OP.

 

Well, I think however long someone was with a person, it takes about half that time to get over them. So, I would not get serious with someone that fresh out of something.

 

If you know talking a lot is going to bond you to the person (know your love language and don't let the person do a lot of that at the beginning), keep the time you spend to once per week and don't text a lot. You have to protect your heart. People can hide who they are for about 90 days so be careful getting too close to someone if it's less than 90 days. Keep your guard up. The truth is most people have baggage, but things rarely work when thinks go too fast. Even if the person is emotionally available.

 

He ghosted because he thinks you aren't exclusive and doesn't owe you an explanation. It's also because he probably does feel something for you, but doesn't want to have to face dealing with those emotions, so it's easier just to ghost. It is cowardly, but now you've seen his true colors. Don't forget this when things go south again with his ex (they will) and he tries coming back.

[Robert]

3 threads on the same subject have been merged into one to let the reader get a better idea of the topic.

 

Thanks

[GraceAndJoy]

what im trying to figure out is what goes through someones mind to not even be able to send a text message to end things? and just choose to cut someone out like that out of thin air? has anyone on here ghosted someone before? is it because you're afraid of how the person will react to the break up or you simply cant handle the uncomfortable confrontation.

in this day and age is seems like a really common thing, but does a normal person handle things like that? in my mind only someone with social issues ghosts a person.

im also curious on peoples thoughts on entering a new relationship without having trust issues? where is the line of having an open heart and not being guarded to the point you cant trust someone?

 

It's possible that his ex-girlfriend found out about you and put the condition of their reconciliation on him blocking you. He may want her and the kid back as a "family" and complied with her request to appease her.

 

I am sorry you are hurting, but you put way too much trust and meaning into the one month relationship.

 

The truth is, you did not really KNOW him. Real KNOWING takes time--at least several months of different circumstances, events, situations, conversations, struggles. You have to know someone before you can TRUST them. So instead of having an "open heart" that is 100% trusting when you start a relationship, go in saying:

 

"I have no reason not to trust him, BUT I don't know him yet. As I discover who he is by getting to know him, I will determine whether he is trustworthy."

 

Remember, not everyone is who they appear to be, and not everyone is completely transparent at the beginning of a relationship. They are putting on their best to woo you. Time will tell who they are.

 

Take the time to let that unfold.

[ExpatInItaly]

I know. Honestly, I never thought he’d do that, I figured call me to end it. The normal thing to do. His number goes straight to voicemail (called 2x)and then I called my work number and it rang and rang to voicemail. Blocked calls goes straight to voicemail.

I’m feeling really disconnected at the moment. You cant trust anyone these days. What a 1 min text saying good bye ?

 

To be fair, this is the same guy who hid the fact that he had a child from you so that you wouldn't immediately write him off.

 

He is shady. He's been shady from the get-go.

 

You are absolutely correct that you deserve to have been told clearly and respectfully that it was over. You deserve to be treated with fairness and kindness. The problem is expecting that sort of maturity and transparency from a dude who was willing to lie by omission about something as serious as being a father. He is self-serving and doesn't operate the way most normal adults would.

 

The next time you see a serious red flag so early, listen to your gut and run. It speaks to someone's overall character and the way they exist in the world. As you've learned the hard way, that particular red flag was trying to tell you something from the beginning. He's not a good person.

[FaithInTheDark]

Sorry OP.

 

Well, I think however long someone was with a person, it takes about half that time to get over them. So, I would not get serious with someone that fresh out of something.

 

If you know talking a lot is going to bond you to the person (know your love language and don't let the person do a lot of that at the beginning), keep the time you spend to once per week and don't text a lot. You have to protect your heart. People can hide who they are for about 90 days so be careful getting too close to someone if it's less than 90 days. Keep your guard up. The truth is most people have baggage, but things rarely work when thinks go too fast. Even if the person is emotionally available.

 

He ghosted because he thinks you aren't exclusive and doesn't owe you an explanation. It's also because he probably does feel something for you, but doesn't want to have to face dealing with those emotions, so it's easier just to ghost. It is cowardly, but now you've seen his true colors. Don't forget this when things go south again with his ex (they will) and he tries coming back.

 

thanks for this, I did some reading and found out my love language is words of affirmation, so talking, texting, phone calls is something that bonds me for sure, i will keep that in mind, and limit that in the future.

[FaithInTheDark]

Sorry he has not communicated with you. How do you know he got back together with her?

Either way...It is cowardly to ghost someone, and very disrespectful of you or the things you shared with him and kindness you showed him.

Don't internalize it. Not all people do this. You should trust again, but let people earn your trust. Use your intuition. As women we have this added sense and we should pay attention to it. Your intuition was telling you something was not quite right...but you chose to listen to him instead and remain hopeful. You didn't do anything wrong in that. This is not your fault at all. It's a lesson to learn in being careful on where you place your time/energy. Don't waste another moment on him.

 

I will say though that hearing this situation I am not too surprised at his lack of emotional maturity or lack of caring for your emotions. He sounds like he is in a fragile emotional state, and likely denial. 9 years with someone and a child together would do that.

I do not believe for a second that anyone out of ANY relationship that lasted any time over 6 months is over it in 3 months...they might be fooling themselves so they can escape from emotions with distractions, or force a new situation into their lives when they are not ready, but eventually they have to deal with the realities and healing. It was selfish of him, and now cowardly to ghost you after his actions. He showed you his true colors though and he has no space for you in his life.. his loss.

 

getting back with his ex is the only thing that really seems obvious to me, the weekend of seeing her and his kid, he ghosts me? plus saying, the ex started to become really nice to him. its the only thing i could think of.

i will never get involved with a guy fresh out of a serious relationship again, i was definitely a distraction for him.

[FaithInTheDark]

It's possible that his ex-girlfriend found out about you and put the condition of their reconciliation on him blocking you. He may want her and the kid back as a "family" and complied with her request to appease her.

 

I am sorry you are hurting, but you put way too much trust and meaning into the one month relationship.

 

The truth is, you did not really KNOW him. Real KNOWING takes time--at least several months of different circumstances, events, situations, conversations, struggles. You have to know someone before you can TRUST them. So instead of having an "open heart" that is 100% trusting when you start a relationship, go in saying:

 

"I have no reason not to trust him, BUT I don't know him yet. As I discover who he is by getting to know him, I will determine whether he is trustworthy."

 

Remember, not everyone is who they appear to be, and not everyone is completely transparent at the beginning of a relationship. They are putting on their best to woo you. Time will tell who they are.

 

Take the time to let that unfold.

 

thank you, i will take thing with me next time i go into something new.

[FaithInTheDark]

To be fair, this is the same guy who hid the fact that he had a child from you so that you wouldn't immediately write him off.

 

He is shady. He's been shady from the get-go.

 

You are absolutely correct that you deserve to have been told clearly and respectfully that it was over. You deserve to be treated with fairness and kindness. The problem is expecting that sort of maturity and transparency from a dude who was willing to lie by omission about something as serious as being a father. He is self-serving and doesn't operate the way most normal adults would.

 

The next time you see a serious red flag so early, listen to your gut and run. It speaks to someone's overall character and the way they exist in the world. As you've learned the hard way, that particular red flag was trying to tell you something from the beginning. He's not a good person.

 

i know, and i wonder if hed even of told me about the kid, unless I asked. I look back and see some things that showed he really did lack emotional maturity, tied in with some coping issues.

[Zinging]

i know, and i wonder if hed even of told me about the kid, unless I asked. I look back and see some things that showed he really did lack emotional maturity, tied in with some coping issues.

 

 

Chiming in after reading everything else about this man.... since this is a 'Tale of two cities'... I wonder if he lied about having being separated from her too. Maybe he just wanted some fun when he was alone? After all, lying about relationship status seems to be the most common form of deception with the online dating world today... and this man has misrepresented way more.

 

Seeing how abruptly he blocked you without a good bye, maybe he is cheating on her? Maybe she's a sweet lady who believes he's faithful?

unless you've seen actual exchanges between them, you'd never know.

 

Hoping you recover from this setback soon, OP.

[FaithInTheDark]

that is a good point, I think they were on some sort of break (just the way he talked about her, etc ....,but not actually  fully broken up) i really think he was in a huge denial, and being selfish on all accounts, and i was a great distraction for him.

but who really knows on account the family was moving into my city in the new year, that just sounds like the family was still together.  But why tell me that if hes cheating on her? I think he pretended to me it was over, but using me as a back up in case his wife never wanted to reconcile. 

to be honest, since this set back ...ive gone on a couple dates, and im having a hard time telling if im  emotionally unavailable or just not into the guys. I think its too soon to date. I feel stupid for the fact I still think about this guy, even though he was a shady person,  i feel like when im on dates with the other guys...i compare the chemistry i had with him.

what happened trigger a dark cloud over me and im fighting hard to take care of me and move forward.