run from red flags or give him a chance? -**Updated**-

[Maddie82]

Firstly, 9 years is a very long time. It take's allot longer than 2 months to get over that. Hence why i don't believe they hadn't had sex for a year and i don't believe for one second that he is over her. It's a red flag that he wasn't honest with you in the beginning about having a child. Think about the future, this woman and child are likely going to be at his family gatherings when you are. Holidays etc. How awkward is that going to be.

[FaithInTheDark]

Firstly, 9 years is a very long time. It take's allot longer than 2 months to get over that. Hence why i don't believe they hadn't had sex for a year and i don't believe for one second that he is over her. It's a red flag that he wasn't honest with you in the beginning about having a child. Think about the future, this woman and child are likely going to be at his family gatherings when you are. Holidays etc. How awkward is that going to be.

 

its not something im up for.

[Ruby Slippers]

I would not continue dating a man who hid the fact that he is a father.

 

That is a manipulative thing to do, and reflects poorly on him as a dad. I don't care if it was one day or seven days until he came clean - you don't lie by omission that you have children.

 

Big red flag that I personally would not overlook.

I agree 100%. I don't think your initial chemistry means all that much, as he was obviously manipulating the situation to his advantage. I've learned that when men have strikes against them like this, they can really turn on the charm to pull you in. I'd feel like he was trying to dupe me and my defenses would go up. Not a good way to start.

[preraph]

Of course the problem with this situation is it kind of ties your hands to make some rules and boundaries because they have a kid. Ideally, you'd want the divorced father to have already done everything possible to limit contact with the mother and not lean on each other. That's beyond your control. It can be very frustrating.

 

I guess you just have to decide if this is the life you want to live or move to something less complicated.

[d0nnivain]

I met this guy online 1 week ago. And we hit it off amazing, turns out were from the same town, we like the same music and even have the same friends back home. We have spent almost every day together since meeting.

The connection we have was instant and he has shown to be a respectful person. He texts/ calls me everyday and makes a lot of effort with the dates.

 

You don't even know this guy. He's about 60 days broken up from his baby mama. She dumped him. There is no way he's over her. You'd be crazy to try this.

 

More importantly the parts I quoted above show me that you move WAAAAY too fast. You have know this guy a week. There is no effort in here. Calling every day is smothering / clingy. A new relationship shouldn't feel like a long term commitment. You can't fake this; stop trying.

 

What starts so fast will burn out.

 

If this had real potential you would have gone on 1 date & had no more then 3 conversations. You are pushing too fast

[FaithInTheDark]

You don't even know this guy. He's about 60 days broken up from his baby mama. She dumped him. There is no way he's over her. You'd be crazy to try this.

 

More importantly the parts I quoted above show me that you move WAAAAY too fast. You have know this guy a week. There is no effort in here. Calling every day is smothering / clingy. A new relationship shouldn't feel like a long term commitment. You can't fake this; stop trying.

 

What starts so fast will burn out.

 

If this had real potential you would have gone on 1 date & had no more then 3 conversations. You are pushing too fast

 

I get what youre saying, but im not pushing anything. yeah we hung out all week but i just said im pulling back. We went out a few times, im not saying we are in a realtionship or pretending to be.

I clearly see the red flags, it just took a few hang outs to get his full story. i understand your response though.

[mortensorchid]

You have only known each other for a week, and you already feel wary about it.

 

Remember this : If something doesn't feel right, it usually isn't. You may never know what that is or is not, but if you choose to ignore it, it will linger there.

 

So ... Hopefully, with all due respect, you should consider things carefully. If something else shows itself that makes you feel not right, then run.

[d0nnivain]

I get what youre saying, but im not pushing anything. yeah we hung out all week but i just said im pulling back. We went out a few times, im not saying we are in a realtionship or pretending to be.

I clearly see the red flags, it just took a few hang outs to get his full story. i understand your response though.

 

 

I'm glad you're pulling back because the red flags are real. You are wise to realize that.

 

Falling in love is a dizzying wonderful feeling. It's easy to get caught up in the newness, the fun, the excitement. But . . as you also realize you can't just let yourself get swept away. Restraint in the beginning is a good thing. It helps you build a real foundation. His present circumstances preclude that. He has not paused to reflect on the demise of his previous relationship. He needs a good handle on that because he is forever connected to this woman through their child.

[charliegirl816]

You said it for yourself, red flag! When people end long relationships, it takes time to heal (rule of thumb is one year for every five years in the relationship) from whatever occurred, no ifs, ands or buts. If you do not choose to get out of this situation now, then the consequences are on you-not him. You are worth so much more and I'm praying for you.

[FaithInTheDark]

I've been seeing this guy for over a month and things have been going good. We spend about 1-2 times a week hanging out. He’s always been very thoughtful and great with reaching out.

I’ve been proceeding with caution because he broke up with his long term gf about 4 months ago. They have a child together and own a house together.

I've mentioned his recent break up as a concern but he’s been very persistent saying it’s over.

We hung out Thursday and then Friday he flew to another city for his kids birthday party. He even said not to worry about him seeing his ex because he’s strictly there to see his kid and got a hotel instead of staying at the house. (Kid and ex live in another city)

 

He called me Friday to let me know he got into town safely and even called twice... 1 st conversation consisted of him asking if I’d be interested in going out of town for a weekend vacation and the other conversation was saying he was out with his daughter and I wished her a happy birthday on the phone (he put ya oh speaker phone and I said hi)

Since then 4 days has gone by without a single word. He said he was flying back to our city Monday.

I texted two times and called Sunday and today which is Tuesday. Both calls rang to voicemail. I even got my friend to call from her phone just to see if he was Purposely ignoring me, same thing , so answer....I even called from my work phone, no answer.

He does have a history of forgetting his phone. Once he left it at my house and another left it at a restaurant.

I know it’s only been a month but this guy never showed me a reason to just flat out ghost me.

I’m feeling really concerned, my last message said “did you get into town okay? I’m confused by not hearing from you, please get in touch”

The only things I can think of,I is he lost his phone or is ghosting me.

He knows where I live but I can’t remember his house address since it was night when I came over and he was driving.

Hes not a social media guy and I don’t have him on Facebook but I

Did see her has an account with a very old picture.

I'm feeling on edge and would just like to know what’s going on. Any thoughts on this mess?

This is an awful feeling.

Edited November 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Silver_star]

Sorry you are going through this stress. I have been there and it feels like crap.

There is no way to know for sure what is happening. Don't jump to the worst conclusion first. Could be several reasons why you have not heard from him.

 

It's still very early to be considered a "priority" in his life especially when he has a child he doesnt get to see very often..he is likely distracted, but at the same time the beginning of relationships you should be on his mind at some point within the 24 hour day to even check in and say hi... if his interest waivers like this in the beginning I would consider that a red flag and a sign of things to come.

Stop contacting him in any way. Just stay busy with other things until he reaches out to you, and when he does he will likely tell you WHY he was not contacting you before. You can decide if his reasons are acceptable to you or not to continue on.

[stillafool]

I'm sure he is fine he just hasn't contacted you, why I'm don't know. I will tell you that you have gone overboard trying to reach him and it is best to stop. He knows you are trying to reach him. Thank goodness you don't know his address because if you had shown up at his house he may have really gotten upset. I know I would. I understand how you feel but you need to be patient, go about your business and hopefully you will hear from him.

[FaithInTheDark]

If you look at the timing- it's not boding well. He's spending time with his ex and his kids, he's only 4 months out of a long term relationship so you are clearly a rebound- put it all together and I'd say this thing is over. He probably hooked up with his ex or is at least questioning whether he wants to be back together. You are the furthest thing from his mind and yet you are clearly in distress.

 

There are 2 troubling items in your post that I'd like to address.

 

1- You were concerned about it being only 4 months but seemed satisfied with his explanation that it's over. EVERYBODY who is dating following a long term breakup says the SAME thing. I mean who in their right mind will say "Yeah, you're right I'm not over her I just need a distraction". You need to not be so naive, don't believe somebody just because they tell you what you want to hear, especially a person you've known less than a month.

 

2- It's only been a month yet you've got an awful feeling, you've tried to contact him repeatedly, you recruited a friend to contact him. This is over the top for such a short term thing. Are you even exclusive?

 

You need to keep your emotions in check when you meet someone new and not invest so heavily so quicly nor be so gullible as to believe what they say even though it clearly is to further their own goals.

 

 

I get what your saying but I never believe it was over with her. It’s impossible to be over a women that’s the mother of your child and you shared a life with.

I’m just repeating what he said

The timing is not lining up great, 1 weekend with your kid and ex , and then falls off the face of the earth. It’s not a coincidence. Something happened with them.

I honestly was just trying to have an open heart, and give things a chance.

I admit I’m emotionally invested. I can’t help it but this ghosted has helped me back away.

I rather be alone than be treated like this. For all he knows I just texted and called 2x ...trust me I won’t go further, I just wanted answers,

He knows where I live, it’s on him,

Thanks.

Edited November 12, 2019 by FaithInTheDark

[lavenderandvelvet]

Maybe he lost his phone? If he is careless, that is possible and it can take a few days to resolve. Wait and see.

[The Outlaw]

I get it, but send no more messages. It's a possibility that you were ghosted, but since he shares a child with his ex, she's always going to be in the picture no matter what. If she's truly out of the picture as he says she is, he'll get back into contact with you, but in this day and age, people don't need a reason to ghost you. They'll do it without reason. And IF that's the case, he did you a favor. But people that do aren't ever worth a second thought.

[MsJayne]

My guess is he's lost his 'phone, run out of credit, hasn't charged it, or is just being thoughtless. I wouldn't call or text him again as you've made it clear you're concerned and want to hear from him. He may be getting it on with his ex, but I don't think so. If he is ignoring you it's best to try to forget the person and acknowledge to yourself that you haven't lost a friend, you've dodged a bullet. There's no excuse for the obnoxious rudeness known as ghosting and people who do it are ignorant and socially inept. It's different if you've been on one date and have no obligation to maintain polite contact, but if you've started seeing the person and made a connection, been keeping regular contact, it takes a special sort of a-hole to just cut people off with no explanation or closure. I think you'll hear from him, but if he hasn't called by Friday...then I would say it's ghosting.

[FaithInTheDark]

Thank you all for reaching out. Your views help. I’m still really confused/hurt but I’ll be ok. I’ll wait and see...continue to live my life. It just sucks being in the dark.

I’m trying not to be gullible but I really don’t think he’d just ignore me without at least calling to break it off.

[FaithInTheDark]

My guess is he's lost his 'phone, run out of credit, hasn't charged it, or is just being thoughtless. I wouldn't call or text him again as you've made it clear you're concerned and want to hear from him. He may be getting it on with his ex, but I don't think so. If he is ignoring you it's best to try to forget the person and acknowledge to yourself that you haven't lost a friend, you've dodged a bullet. There's no excuse for the obnoxious rudeness known as ghosting and people who do it are ignorant and socially inept. It's different if you've been on one date and have no obligation to maintain polite contact, but if you've started seeing the person and made a connection, been keeping regular contact, it takes a special sort of a-hole to just cut people off with no explanation or closure. I think you'll hear from him, but if he hasn't called by Friday...then I would say it's ghosting.

 

I agree, but his phone is charged because it rang and rang until voicemail.

If Friday hits and still no word, I’ll confirm it’s over forever.

[TheFinalWord]

OP,

 

Never believe stories about not being able to contact someone. In this day and age, we all have phones, social media, just a thousand ways to contact someone if you want to. If you find yourself creating a story about why they aren't contacting you. Stop. And recognize, if they really wanted to contact you, could they find a way? If you live in the modern society, the answer is yes.

 

When it comes to dating in general, you have to be really careful, especially if you met on OLD. I would say a good 50% of people on OLD (women at least) are just out of a relationship and they're looking for validation. Maybe they'll go out with you if they need a distraction, but they aren't available emotionally. Even if they want to like you, we often compare everyone else, to our ex and for whatever reason our brain puts the ex on a pedestal. Especially if it's recent or they are still in touch for any reason, amplify this by 100x.

 

I'm not saying not to go out with the guy, but just look at it as a fun time and don't let your heart open very much until you see consistency and him talking less and less about his ex. If you are the right one for him at that time, his ex will become less interesting and you will become more attractive. Most of the time this does not happen, hence the failed rebound phenomenon. But it can happen if you don't open your heart, keep it light and fun and let him work his ex out of his system.

[FaithInTheDark]

Hi guys,

Well I called again , I don’t care, I’m simply worried about the guy. It went straight to voicemail which means his phone is dead.

Basically I didn’t hear from him starting Saturday so I don’t see in a span of 12 hours the guy having a change of heart.

He had to of lost his phone, to not answer 3 different numbers and now straight to voicemail. Plus the history of loosing his phone .

[FaithInTheDark]

Well after further discovery, I found out he blocked my number.

[rightondude]

damn, that's harsh. I was hoping he'd lost his phone. how'd you find that out? Sorry, that sucks. What a crappy way to end things. At least you know now before further down the road.

[FaithInTheDark]

damn, that's harsh. I was hoping he'd lost his phone. how'd you find that out? Sorry, that sucks. What a crappy way to end things. At least you know now before further down the road.

 

I know. Honestly, I never thought he’d do that, I figured call me to end it. The normal thing to do. His number goes straight to voicemail (called 2x)and then I called my work number and it rang and rang to voicemail. Blocked calls goes straight to voicemail.

I’m feeling really disconnected at the moment. You cant trust anyone these days. What a 1 min text saying good bye ?

[stillafool]

Well after further discovery, I found out he blocked my number.

 

That's what I thought and that's why I advised not to call him again. It sucks that he didn't just man up and tell you he still wants his ex and is no longer interested. He purposely took the cowards way out.

[FaithInTheDark]

Well, my instincts are always right. Through the course of the month we dated , my anxiety was running high, not knowing if it was due to past bad experiences...struggling to know if I’m paranoid and trying to give him a chance...

The guy continued to pull all the stops to show his charm and act like a nice person.

He left town for the weekend to see his kid for her birthday...called , texted lots the day he got into the city...even had me on speaker phone to wish her a happy birthday.

During the weekend he ghosted me, blocked my number. Zero word in 6 days. I know he got back with his ex...just can’t believe he wouldn’t at least send a message to end it with me.

I thought I had the knowledge to prevent myself from being hurt.

I learned that I will NEVER date a guy with baggage like that...and if something causing anxiety like that is happening, listen to it! It felt off deep down in my soul but the consistency of his efforts ,pushed the anxiety away into a validating redemption that he was the real deal.