FaithInTheDark Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 I want to start off stating that I am not naive going into this situation and fully understand the risks. I met this guy online 1 week ago. And we hit it off amazing, turns out were from the same town, we like the same music and even have the same friends back home. We have spent almost every day together since meeting. The connection we have was instant and he has shown to be a respectful person. He texts/ calls me everyday and makes a lot of effort with the dates. When we met he told me that he officially broke up with his ex 2 months ago after a 9 year relationship. I imminently spoke up and said to myself, this is a red flag, and im unwilling to enter something with him until hes healed from this. He understood but asked if we can at least give it a try and see where it goes. He told he she broke up with him, saying she was no long attracted to him. He repeatedly said its over with her, hes checked out, and they haven't had sex in over a year. But I absolutely dont believe that imo... its impossible to be over someone you shared your life with to that degree. Today he finally opened up about having a child with her and then continued to say his ex is moving into the city, in the new year... so he can be in the kids life more, and she has no family, and his family had become her family. He was very sincere about not saying he had a child sooner, but didnt want to scare me away since we literally only known each other for 1 week. Im not sure what to do here. We mesh so well , and I enjoy spending time with him a lot. the physical attraction is so strong too. I have gone through so many dating mishaps that I refuse to ignore the red flags the past has shown me. I do think him and I need to see each other a bit less than we are now. seeing each other 5/7 days we known each other is too much. and take things to a slower pace But I need some advice on how to go about this. Do I run for the hills? Do i take things slow in order to see how things turn out? My instincts are telling me how likely it is that she moves back into the city, wants to make it work and i get left in the dust. It seems slightly hasty to dump a guy I have such great chemistry with - without giving it a chance. - thank you for any advice.
LivingWaterPlease Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 I'm writing this while on the phone but just want to say that I'm the type who would stay in it but proceed cautiously. For me, meeting someone as well-matched with me as you write this guy is with you is so rare that I'd do whatever it takes to see it through, but also try to protect myself at the same time. Only you can weigh the risk, though. 2
snowboy91 Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 If he hadn't had sex with her in over a year before they broke up, then they were checked out from each other long before they actually did. You can still care about someone despite checking out of a relationship with them... which I guess was a dilemma they were stuck in for quite some time. Not to mention the kid is a big complicating factor. The way I see it is the ex is moving back so the kid can easily spend time with both parents, and nothing more. I see it as very unlikely they would want to get back together. That being said, I would think that he still has a lot of healing to do - not so much with the pain of the breakup, but getting his sense of self back together. I'd proceed with caution, not because of the ex, but because of uncertain emotional availability on his part. 1
preraph Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 You need to find out more. Ask him if he would get back together with her if she changed her mind. And ask him if she had been still leaning on him as a husband and how often they talk and if she has a new man in her life. I agree, it is a bad situation. He could just want sex and also to retrieve his dignity and show her he has a woman. He may be desperate to do that. Ask him where she goes on holidays. If it's his parents' house -- I say opt out. And ask him how his parents are with her now that she dumped him. If they're still close, opt out. It's only two months. And she needs to have a new life of some type and not be relying on him. And I bet she is because she's relying on his parents heavily.
BaileyB Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 Respectfully, you have known each other for a week. Red flag number one. I have done the whole rebound thing - he had been separated for two years after a 12 year marriage. It didn’t work out well for me. Who know how it will go for you but are they actually even legally divorced yet? I would never entertain the thought of dating a man who was so recently split from his wife of nine years... They are still basically trying to establish their new homes and work out child custody issues. There is a lot that he has to work out before he is ready for another relationship... 1
Lotsgoingon Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 Your initial instinct was right: someone just two months out of a nine-year relationship is not even close to be ready to date. So yes, that's a huge red flag. Could have stopped there. And yes, him springing news of the kid with you ... another red flag. Ex moving to be near him ... yes, another red flag (even if ex has legitimate reason for moving near the father of her child)--red flag for you! Spending so much time together, so soon, when you don't know each other-- another red flag. This sounds like rebound. He's rebounding on you ... skipping the pain and hurt and jumping into a new relationship that provides that temporary rebound high. You report that she dumped him saying she wasn't attracted to him. Well being told your lover of nine years isn't attracted to you--is achingly painful. Devastatingly painful. No way is this guy over that pain and ready to date. No way. He needs at least a year off by himself ... a time to figure work out the co-parenting thing with his ex. So multiple red flags. Run ... Basically he'll sleep with the ex again at some point ... and he'll spring more surprise news on you. And he'll lose interest because you are only rebound. He needs to go off by himself and be in his funk ... and then gradually work his way out of it. 4
ChatroomHero Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 I think any time someone lies to you for any reason about something that is easy to stumble across, it is a bad deal. If they keep something 'secret' from you that is not really secret, like having a kid you could easily see him in public with, that is a huge red flag. So you don't believe he is over her and after telling you all about his ex, then he tells you he has a kid? I mean having an ex you just recently broke up with after 9 years is something you'd not necessarily want to go in to great detail. But having a kid when you are dating is like the 2nd or 3rd thing you tell the person after your name and how old you are. Maybe its just me and my experience but when people lie or leave out things that are a big part of defining them...especially when it's not something bad or something you couldn't find out by bumping into them at a gas station...those people usually turn out to do that often. They mislead you about innocuous things to deceive you and manipulate you. Like this guy didn't tell you he had a kid with the ex because he figured somehow if he mentioned it right away you'd be scared off but if he hid it, he could get to know you and then be like, "Oh yeah, I have a kid". That is kind of manipulative and would suggest to me that he tells white lies to get what he wants. I'd tread carefully. 4
Author FaithInTheDark Posted October 17, 2019 Author Posted October 17, 2019 Respectfully, you have known each other for a week. Red flag number one. I have done the whole rebound thing - he had been separated for two years after a 12 year marriage. It didn’t work out well for me. Who know how it will go for you but are they actually even legally divorced yet? I would never entertain the thought of dating a man who was so recently split from his wife of nine years... They are still basically trying to establish their new homes and work out child custody issues. There is a lot that he has to work out before he is ready for another relationship... theyre not married.
Author FaithInTheDark Posted October 17, 2019 Author Posted October 17, 2019 You need to find out more. Ask him if he would get back together with her if she changed her mind. And ask him if she had been still leaning on him as a husband and how often they talk and if she has a new man in her life. I agree, it is a bad situation. He could just want sex and also to retrieve his dignity and show her he has a woman. He may be desperate to do that. Ask him where she goes on holidays. If it's his parents' house -- I say opt out. And ask him how his parents are with her now that she dumped him. If they're still close, opt out. It's only two months. And she needs to have a new life of some type and not be relying on him. And I bet she is because she's relying on his parents heavily. I asked him just now ...would you get back with her , if she changed her mind. and he said "no" 1
amaysngrace Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 Whatever you do just make sure you go slow. Don’t meet him at 75% if he isn’t even able to meet you halfway. If you do that too often you’ll lose yourself. Just because his life is busy doesn’t mean your needs should get neglected. 2
major_merrick Posted October 17, 2019 Posted October 17, 2019 There isn't a "magic time period" that you have to check off before you are ready to date after a breakup. It depends on the person. Some people are over it quickly. Others never get over it. Since you've only known each other a short time, give it some time but keep seeing each other frequently and regularly. That's the only way you'll really know. There is definitely something to be said for the number of hours you spend. You probably know him a lot better in one week than some people know a person they've spent two months with but see far less frequently. My husband has never taken time between relationships. After his divorce, he married Wife #1 (the rebound girl). Their relationship has never had a problem. My husband hasn't really done a lot of casual flings, so perhaps his way was better than my way of taking time but having lots of casual sex between serious relationships. Taking "time off" doesn't necessarily mean that time is worth anything or has been used wisely. And lots of times, you won't find those things out just by asking. 1
Author FaithInTheDark Posted October 18, 2019 Author Posted October 18, 2019 i agree, i need to approach with caution 1
Gretchen12 Posted October 18, 2019 Posted October 18, 2019 How long has he been online dating? On some dating sites it'll say when he signed up. Also, if his profile is visible (it's only been a week), have another look at what it says. Does it say he has no kids? What did he say he was looking for? OLD is full of people looking to feel better after being dumped. They call it "getting out there". It's part of their healing process. 1
Author FaithInTheDark Posted October 18, 2019 Author Posted October 18, 2019 How long has he been online dating? On some dating sites it'll say when he signed up. Also, if his profile is visible (it's only been a week), have another look at what it says. Does it say he has no kids? What did he say he was looking for? OLD is full of people looking to feel better after being dumped. They call it "getting out there". It's part of their healing process. He told me, hes been doing lots of online dating. I understand, i did the same after my ex. then once i said, im not into being a rebound, and wind up hurt, he said" I dont want to sleep around anymore, i found you, and want to see where it goes" I doesnt have a section of kids but in his details it said he was looking for a long term relationship 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted October 18, 2019 Posted October 18, 2019 Am off the phone now and rereading this thread. It bothers me that he didn't tell you he had a child when you were first sharing about your past lives. That may cause me to not stick around, I don't know. Most definitely proceed with caution. 1
Author FaithInTheDark Posted October 18, 2019 Author Posted October 18, 2019 Am off the phone now and rereading this thread. It bothers me that he didn't tell you he had a child when you were first sharing about your past lives. That may cause me to not stick around, I don't know. Most definitely proceed with caution. I agree, I def think he recognized that wasn't cool. He said, "I promise to always be honest with you, i just didnt know how to tell you" Im not excusing this, but felt the sincerity in him. I get it, though. 1
Gretchen12 Posted October 18, 2019 Posted October 18, 2019 Ok so he did not wait two months after breaking up to go search online. That's kinda what I expected. People usually go OLD immediately after break up, same day or next day. This means he did not take two months to heal from the breakup. He did OLD for distraction so he doesn't need to deal with the breakup. Anyway, it's only been one week. People have been ghosted after a super great connection. So you can only wait and see. Don't get STD. 1
BaileyB Posted October 18, 2019 Posted October 18, 2019 theyre not married. Doesn’t really matter. They were together for nine years and they share a child together. That is a very significant relationship... A man doesn’t just walk away from that and two months later, find another serious relationship. And, if he does... beware. 3
Author FaithInTheDark Posted October 18, 2019 Author Posted October 18, 2019 Ok so he did not wait two months after breaking up to go search online. That's kinda what I expected. People usually go OLD immediately after break up, same day or next day. This means he did not take two months to heal from the breakup. He did OLD for distraction so he doesn't need to deal with the breakup. Anyway, it's only been one week. People have been ghosted after a super great connection. So you can only wait and see. Don't get STD. what is OLD and Std?
Author FaithInTheDark Posted October 18, 2019 Author Posted October 18, 2019 Doesn’t really matter. They were together for nine years and they share a child together. That is a very significant relationship... A man doesn’t just walk away from that and two months later, find another serious relationship. And, if he does... beware. I agree, I knew and said this to him a few times. my game plan is to pull away a bit, and continue to live my life, not loose myself in this. Yeah, i like the guy, but no, i dont need him. I worked very hard to be the strong person I am 2
LivingWaterPlease Posted October 18, 2019 Posted October 18, 2019 what is OLD and Std? Online Dating, Sexually Transmitted Disease 1
ajequals Posted October 18, 2019 Posted October 18, 2019 I can't claim to be an expert on online dating but I do know women are not into secrets, even though he states at the moment he would not go back with his ex I feel their child is a huge issue ..Parents want to do what best for the child. the other battle you have yet to encounter is the ex. heaven knows what road blocks she will display once she arrives in town. do you want to deal with the drama?
chillii Posted October 18, 2019 Posted October 18, 2019 I agree, I knew and said this to him a few times. my game plan is to pull away a bit, and continue to live my life, not loose myself in this. Yeah, i like the guy, but no, i dont need him. I worked very hard to be the strong person I am l think that's a good way to go , if you have all that together that's too much to walk away from unless it's absolutely necessary. But he does sound like he's trying to be up front with you and honest about things. l doubt he's interested in getting back with her though , not attracted is a big kick in the guts but eh , he has that with you , huge plus on top of everything else. Do like you've said here for now , see how he pans out.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 18, 2019 Posted October 18, 2019 I would not continue dating a man who hid the fact that he is a father. That is a manipulative thing to do, and reflects poorly on him as a dad. I don't care if it was one day or seven days until he came clean - you don't lie by omission that you have children. Big red flag that I personally would not overlook. 2
Flame Aura Posted October 18, 2019 Posted October 18, 2019 He waited a whole week to tell you he has a child? There's no excuse for that - it something you tell the other person the first day you meet them. By not telling it is showing he is selfish - he was only thinking about what telling you will mean for him, instead of telling you at the start so you make your own decision whether to date him. If a woman did this to me, I would be straight out of the door, simply no excuses, do not fall for his BS.
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