Prim&proper Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 Thanks to everyone's advice on this board, I finally had a talk to the guy that I've been seeing for the last 3-4 months and it's finally over. This is how the conversation went: Me: Are you happy with me? Him: yes. I am. You? Me: i am too but i want to tell you that I agree with you that I don't know where this is going either, but i want to tell you what exclusivity (i.e. being bf/gf) means to me. It means two people who want to explore whether there could be a serious relationship. It's a stepping stone to opening up and finding out whether a serious relationship could be possible. So what does being a bf mean to you? Him: i don't know. Obligations. Me: do you have reservations about me or us? Him: No. It would be the same thought process with you or anyone else. It's a situation I hadn't been in in a long time. Me: well, do you want to keep the nonexcusivity door open for someone else? Him: No. There's noone else. Me: So in practice we are exclusivity. So why keep the door open? Him: Because it's been open for so long. And I guess being exclusive means being serious. And there is a lot of things I want to do and I worry that I won't be able to do them. Me: well, as you know I lead a very busy life and I have a lot going on too. Have you not been able to do the things you want to do since we've hung out? Him: No, not at all. I guess I'm just not ready for a relationship. Me: Ok. Then I guess I will have to give you space until you are ready. Him: What does that mean space. Can I not call you for dinner? Me: I don't think that will be possible. Him: I don't get how people can do that. Are you going to see other people? Me: Yes, because I won't be seeing you. Here's my personal philosophy. I would rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't want to be with me or who doesn't know if they want to be with me. I have more self respect than that. Him: That's it? so matter of factly? How do you do this? You're not even showing any emotions or anything? Me: What do you want me to do? Cry? I'm very good at not showing my emotions. This hurts like hell and I don't want it to end like this. But you know this has been bothering me and will continue to do so. Then I walked off feeling like my world has shattered into a million pieces. So thoughts?
Neptune Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 Be honest and admit it, you`re just not that into him:cool:
user1 Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 Good for you! It took a hell of a lot of guts. You maintained your dignity and pride. I wish I were like you.
DeaconFrost Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 You know that took real balls to do, but it was completely necessary. You just can't allow yourself to be tied up in mediocrity. There is no point in leaving yourself open if you can't get 110% back. Way to go. I'm proud of a fellow LoveShacker. My this be an example to all who find themselves in a similar situation!
SmallWonder Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 I know it hurts like hell because I did the same thing - that dialoge you discribe is a conversation we'd had over and over, and I was always thinking WHY are we beating this dead horse into the ground if we like each other? Because he feels trapped into a corner even though I'm not putting him there - because he's been single for SO LONG. Because he values his male friendships over mine. Because he likes not having to PLAN for a night - fly by the seat of his pants. So finally, I said those same words to him that you said to your guy, and at the tail end, which I regret (because I was all fired up) I said: "When you grow up (he's 28), please give me a call." I did see him out and he told me he liked that I said this to him - that he needs someone who will keep him on his toes. And yet, he hasn't called. I feel like we had this connection - that he won't deny - and it hurts to have broken it. But like you said, Self-Respect. I want someone who thinks about me and gets butterflies like I do and calls for no reason just to hear the sound of my voice. I don't need gifts, or tons of time with him - just knowing he likes me and respects me and wants to be with me seems to be enough. But that wasn't the case. I guess even a phone call can make a man feel boxed into a corner.
Author Prim&proper Posted September 30, 2005 Author Posted September 30, 2005 The funny thing about it all is that in practice we were exclusive. It was only a matter of semantics and a state of mind. Nothing would have changed if the label was placed on the relationship. He called fairly often, tells me how happy he is, is affectionate, makes plans, sees me every day, does things for me, etc. In effect, the obligations he so feared he was already performing. Doesn't make any sense at all to me, to give up on something great because of fear you have to do something when you are already doing it. His loss and his stupidity, I suppose.
Author Prim&proper Posted September 30, 2005 Author Posted September 30, 2005 Be honest and admit it, you`re just not that into him:cool: Then why does it hurt so badly and this pervasive sadness won't leave me.
lost_in_chgo Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 Not to rock the general "everyone should break up with everyone" philosophy rampant on this forum but.... Seems to me that in practice you both had everything you wanted. Only, you got to the "need for an exclusive declaration" stage before he did and couldn't wait for him to get there. Sure, maybe he wouldn't ever get there, but like you said, he was walking the walk, he just didn't get to the talking the talk part. Now he's likely doubting that you ever cared at all, since you threw the switch on him like that. I realize you probably agonized internally and with him for a long time. I'd say that it was good to give him this wake up call and he will either now agonize over it himself, or find someone else. Perhaps he is feeling terrible about this and someone over on his side is telling him that you aren't worth the effort, better off without her etc.. I personally think everyone should make more of an effort, but that's me. So if he calls...??? Perhaps at that point he will have thought things thru a bit and decide what he wants. Dont call him. But don't feel like you have to avoid him. If you feel like seeing him again, don't talk yourself out of it if he calls you. Talk to him and try to resolve it. You can do that without sacrificing your dignity and pride and without giving in. There is no point in leaving yourself open if you can't get 110% back Hopefully someone besides me realizes that if everyone demands 110% back of whatever they put out, no one can ever be happy. 1
Prim& Proper Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 Oh yes, if he calls, I will pick up. I just won't be sleeping with him anymore.
Author Prim&proper Posted September 30, 2005 Author Posted September 30, 2005 I doubt he will call. He has admit that he is very stubborn and his stubbornness will win. And I certainly won't call him. I lose all credibility if I call him. If (and it's a big if) he calls me, I'll talk to him. I just won't sleep with him anymore.
DeaconFrost Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 Hopefully someone besides me realizes that if everyone demands 110% back of whatever they put out, no one can ever be happy. I wasn't being literal. But why can't she have exclusivity and demand his fullest participation? In my opinion she deserves it. If he's scared to commit then what does that say about their relationship? It's just an excuse to keep things "comfortable." Besides, do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who is not ready to take that leap and stagnate rather than progress? Hell no! Sounds like he's a phobe who doesn't know what he really wants. She did the right thing.
SuperMonk Posted October 1, 2005 Posted October 1, 2005 I'm proud you called it quits, it's hard to be in a relationship where someone takes you for granted and you feel she/he isn't curious about you nor creative about future outings together. You're right about being single rather than being with someone that's wasting your time.
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