blind_otter Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 A friend of mine, a guy I dated briefly last year, committed suicide recently. I talked to him on the phone the day before he died and reamed him out, telling him to stop drinking and get it together. He was pissed *drunk* and out of it when we talked but I feel guilty. I feel angry. I feel sad. His family has decided that no one but the immediate family can attend the funeral. I wish I could pay my respects. He was the one who walked me to the courthouse to get the restraining order against my psycho ex. I suppose the reaction to suicide by his family is normal. I can stamp my foot and cry "unfair" all I want to but it is ultimately their decision. It makes me wonder how I could have contemplated suicide ever in my life. It's so selfish and hurts those that are left behind.
Art_Critic Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 B O , Sorry to hear about your friend .. Suicide is such a selfish act and you have a right to be angry. Instead of going to the funeral you can pay your respects at the gravesite after the family has left and before they finalize the site.
alphamale Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 .. Suicide is such a selfish act Most who take their own lives are mentally ill in some capacity. I would hardly call that selfish, A_C.
Jayhawks Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 Sorry to hear of your pain, B.O. Suicide is a desperate act. I understand your feelings of anger, sadness, loss. It is very hard on the ones left behind. I would do as Art suggested, visit the grave site and pay your respects. It will make you feel better to have some contact with him again. My condolences.
whichwayisup Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 I'm sorry for your pain, and my thoughts are with you. Maybe this will make you feel better. When it's the day of the funeral, light a candle, and write a letter to him. Thank him for his friendship, and tell him what he meant to you. I know it's not the same as being at the funeral, but it will help you get some closure. He had problems and couldn't deal with life anymore. I'm sure where he is now, he's happier and at peace.
lindya Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 B_O, I'm so sorry to hear this. I wonder if you've maybe visited this site already? http://www.survivingsuicide.com/cope.htm I guess that right now there's so much pain, grief and anger that the family members don't feel they can deal with having his life and death discussed in front of other people. Obviously, though, that makes it even harder for non family members who cared about and loved this guy to come to terms with what's happened. Perhaps in time the family will agree for you and other friends to hold a memorial service? All the best, it sounds like it's been a pretty tough year for you in a lot of ways
fusangite Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 I would encourage you to organize a small memorial gathering of his other friends, a wake or something where you guys can grieve together. This will also help you cope because it will allow you to take some action and exert some control. I had a friend kill himself a few years ago; we had just reconciled after a year of not speaking a couple of weeks before his suicide. My condolences.
slubberdegullion Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 Blind otter: Few things can be more painful than dealing with the suicide of someone close. Questions like, "Could I have done more?" and "Why didn't I see this coming?" are commonly insistent themes that rattle around in the brain of those left behind. I really like Fusangite's idea of a small memorial service for friends. While it won't completely generate the closure you may need, it will provide a forum for you and the other friends to lean on each other and talk, cry, laugh... My sincere condolences for your loss.
Author blind_otter Posted September 30, 2005 Author Posted September 30, 2005 I think a small get together for his friends here (his family is from another part of the state, he had been here for college when I knew him. er...i guess when he dropped out, i mean)... I can understand why his family is pissed. He had a bad drug problem, but it was mainly alcohol that was his demon. When I dated him we were both dealing with bad drug problems and, like those relationships based on substance abuse, we gave each other reasons to get f***ed up and made excuses that we each used in turn. It was a sad, sick dance. Hell, I'm not much better, though I've gradually restricted my substance abuse to pot rather than powder and whiskey. But he went the other way and escalated to banging sh*t. I wondered what would have happened to him...if he had had more support and less people trying to give him tough love. I honestly don't think it would have helped much. He seemed bound for it. It makes me f***ed to think that I can actually say that about someone.
alphamale Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 When I dated him we were both dealing with bad drug problems you probably want to steer clear of his family, B_O, because they may associate you with his "problems" and partially blame you also. Sorry for your loss and good to see you back on LS. Do come around again. alpha
Weird Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 Wow...it is selfish to say suicide is a selfish act. I mean come on...you dont walk in the person's shoes and know how hard life may be for him/her so to imply that they are selfish for trying to end the pain because YOU need them in YOUR life for your happiness or enjoyment is flat out selfish. People should look at suicides as either a tragedy and a shame or feel that the person is finally free of whatever pain they were feeling. I understand people getting angry and sad but come on...think about the other person and not yourself for a minute. As for this particular case, sorry for your loss and hope you can get better soon.
aklost101 Posted October 1, 2005 Posted October 1, 2005 i don't think suicide is a selfish act. my brother committed suicide ~10 months ago, and i don't think he was selfish at all. i think it takes more balls than any of you have to do it. it's a brave thing to do, not cowerdice and "most ppl who do it" are NOT mentally ill.
JS17 Posted October 1, 2005 Posted October 1, 2005 B.O. I've been close to this before. Two people I know attempted suicide. It's scary and upsetting. There's nothing anyone can say or do to make you feel better, all anyone can do is be there to support you. I'm really sorry for your loss.
brashgal Posted October 1, 2005 Posted October 1, 2005 Hang in there, Otter! Don't blame yourself but don't blame him either, he just hadn't managed to turn his life around. As far as being at the official funeral - it's not the only way to say goodbye. I think a gathering of friends would be good for you if you concentrate on remembering the good things he did in his life, not as a pity party.
whichwayisup Posted October 1, 2005 Posted October 1, 2005 Aklost101, I'm sorry for your loss too. I don't think we have any right to judge someone who commits suicide. We're not in their head. We don't know the demons they battle. Sadly, sometimes it's the only way out for them, even if some get help. I had a friend in highschool many years ago who committed suicide. I made myself believe he was in a better place and at peace. No more pain and suffering. B_O, Hang in there honey. Cry when you need to cry and definately don't blame yourself. Try not to allow his family make you feel bad. You're a good person with a big heart.
nosybear819 Posted October 1, 2005 Posted October 1, 2005 B.O I came to view your post because I posted a similar situation about my friend who took his life this week as well...he overdosed...the advice people gave here is very helpful I will benefit from what others have said here. My friends funeral was today and his memorial yesterday..I was unable to attend either one because of my work schedule but like others said visiting one's gravesite can be helpful. When I'm feeling down I listen and cope through music sometimes. The song When I'm Gone by 3 Doors Down is what I've been listening to - I kept saying I don't understand why or how someone who seemed to have it all together would wind up with such a tragic ending. The lyrics to this song help me understand a little: There's another world inside of me that you may never see. There are secrets in this life that I can't hide. Somewhere in this darkness there's a life that I can't find. Maybe it's too far away or maybe I'm just blind.....roaming through this darkness I'm alive but I'm alone. Part of me is fighting this but part of me is gone.....You can hold me when I'm scared but you won't always be there. So love me when I'm gone.
RecordProducer Posted October 1, 2005 Posted October 1, 2005 Depression and drugs are the main reasons why people commit a suicide. People don't have conrtol over it. While many people have had suicidal thoughts, suicide is not committed because of the regular human faults such as selfishness, insecurity, sadness, etc. It's a long-term mental state and sometimes mental illness. Sorry for your friend, BO. We miss your posts, come more often please.
BigB Posted October 1, 2005 Posted October 1, 2005 sorry to hear the hun, Good to see you around again though, I've been wondering how you've been.
flowergirl Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 Blind Otter: My deepest condolences for your friend's suicide.
Author blind_otter Posted October 5, 2005 Author Posted October 5, 2005 f*** that ****. It takes more courage to f***ing wake up every g-d- day and keep going even when everything is shyte, when you've lost all hope. You keep trudging forward because you know you can MAKE it better, not because of all the people you love you necessarily, maybe just IN SPITE OF all the f***ed up **** you've been through. It's easier to kill yourself and not have to deal with your problems, for f***'s sake, what kind of FUBAR reasoning would say it's easier to go on every damn day of your life dealing with the **** you got yourself into. It's harder to go on for the next 50 effing years than it is to f*** off and die.
hotgurl Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 BO,I am so sorry, My BF had a friend commit suicide and he still thinks about him. It is almost unreal sometimes that he is not here. Take care of yourself and say goodbye however you need to. You are in our thoughts
alphamale Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 f*** that ****. It takes more courage to f***ing wake up every g-d- day and keep going even when everything is shyte, when you've lost all hope. I would have to agree with that B_0. But we also have to remember that most folks who off themselves are in a temporary state of bad judgement caused by a medical issue or a substance abuse issue (or both)
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